The Stumbling Block

[HappyInKC 3]

This is my first post, mainly I am needing to vent, but also wondering what others, who might have experienced similar, did to handle a situation such as mine.

My RnY is Nov. 9. I am so ready, so excited to move forward. My family has known about this decision for months and have always voiced their support. Until this last week.

Now I am hearing that, "You're not really that big," "are you sure you really gave dieting your best effort," "couldn't you just do the same surgery diet without having the surgery." And on and on.

Even my wife has hit me with how hard it's going to be for her because she likes to cook and bake for me and now she won't be able to have that pleasure again.

It's been crushing the last several days. My resolve has been questioned, my reasoning challenged, my dedication impugned.

In my mind I can recognize that all this is just fear of the unknown and the general anxiety that comes from a loved one having major surgery, let alone good old fear of change. But all this coming out now, 10 days before my surgery, is emotionally difficult.

What have those of you who have experienced an apparent collapse of your primary support system done to strengthen yourself and keep the eye on the prize?

[HappyInKC 3]

By the way, I have not been deterred from my focus, but it does make the nights restless worrying how my loved ones will handle this.

[miiasan 370]

Hi ...I had some of the same types of comments before my surgery. Although it can be rough and throw you off balance - for me, it made me go through all the reasons I wanted to do this in the first place. The end result was that I got stronger and even more resolved. I think a lot of the comments made to me were only people's concern for me because I was going through such a huge surgery.I found that reassuring them of my decision - and I was able to put it into medical concerns about my co-morbidities - helped. And for those who couldn't understand, I ignored their comments. After all, this is a major change in our lives and one that, in the end, we need to be responsible for.

I would be concerned about the comments your wife made. From my viewpoint they sound a little selfish - but then again, maybe she couldn't find a better way to express her concern. First - perhaps she can find a way to use her love of baking and cooking to contribute to some other worthy cause - maybe a charity, homeless shelter, etc. Second - she needs to realize that her making food for you doesn't equate to love - especially now. It also doesn't sum up who she is as a person. I am not an expert, but a little counseling probably would not hurt. One thing you hear about in this forum is how relationships change. It might be wise for you both to talk about and explore now the many other things that make your relationship strong and have a frank discussion about the changes that are to come. My husband and I have been married for 40 years and as I look back, many big changes for one or the other of us has been accompanied by a session or two of counseling. Things work out much better if we are on the same page and move forward together.

I wish you luck with all of this and with your surgery. It is a life changing decision and a life saving surgery.

[The Candidate 3,215]

I would tell your wife that you would still love for her to cook for you. There are tons and tons of bariatric recipes out there that she can whip up. Maybe her comments stem more from worry, for your safety and health. Plus things are going to change and the unknown is always frightening.

But the bottom line is if you aren't around because of escalating health issues related to your weight, than she won't have anyone to cook for at all someday. Which outcome is more concerning?

Best of luck to you! I have zero regrets!

Edited October 31, 2015 by The Post Op

[Djmohr 6,965]

Hi there! Congratulations on getting to your surgery, that in itself is a heck of a lot of work. My process took 9 months.

Little did I know that it was the easy part. The hard part is dealing with all of the change that happens because you have chosen this path. All of this change is for the better, your wife just hasn't realized it yet.

She will be able to cook and bake for you, it will likely come a little later and it will look much different than it does today. Which by the way, will likely be good for her health as well.

Everything takes time, you have already accepted that things will change, your family needs a little longer as they are not far enough along in the journey. Also, you are right they are probably a little scared for you right now.

Keep reminding them why you have chosen this path and teaching them about this disease. If we could all change our metabolism and keep it that way, we would not need the surgery for help.

Good luck with your family and your upcoming surgery! I am sure you will do great.

[MitchieMay 27]

I agree with everyone (and you) trying to help you make sense of "Why now?". The fact that you have been able to stay focused despite the not so helpful concerns says a lot about the level of commitment you have to changing this thing in your life. It will take all of that commitment to stay the course from what I understand in listening to others. Once your family and friends realize that you are in this for the long haul, that you are done letting food and inactivity control your life, they will respect and appreciate your decision. Kudos to you!