Anorexia treatment :(

[bellabloom 2,467]

I've been debating wether to post on this. I've decided to because I've felt very alone on this forum as it seems there aren't many wls patients who have also struggled with this type of eating disorder and I want to share my experience in case anyone is out there and afraid to speak up about this issue.

I've had an eating disorder for about 15 years. I've gone through periods of anorexia, bulimia, and obsessive binge eating. My weight has gone from average(145-150) to overweight (250) to now underweight at 115. Five years before I had wls surgery I went through a rough period of bulimia/ binge eating and sought out treatment. I was in a 30 day outpatient program. It helped me get past bulimia but I was never able to stop compulsive binge eating which got me up to my highest weight and lead me towards wls.

I knew going into this that wls surgery could trigger my eating disorder and it has, big time. I am now truly anorexic with some bulimic behaviors also, and although I've been telling myself when I get to goal weight I will eat to maintain that is simply not happening. My goal weight keeps dropping and I'm sure I'm not going to be able to stop losing on my own.

I've been in weekly therapy with an eating disorder therapist and dietician since I had surgery and sadly it just hasn't been enough to keep me from slipping into this. She has been watching me literally waste away for months now and is very concerned. While my BMI is still technically in the normal range, I've recently begun losing about 3 pounds per week again because I've simply stopped trying to maintain and it's only going to go downhill from here. I look in the mirror and I can see all of my ribs and my body looks like a little girls. But as soon as I walk away from the mirror I feel fat again and want to lose more. Body dysmorphia is a real thing.

For me the issue is complicated, wrapped up in fear of regaining, a deep sense of satisfaction and safety in seeing the scale drop, anxiety around most foods and the inability to see how thin I've gotten and feel comfortable in my skin. Dieting and losing weight is the way I feel in control of my life, and eating is an emotional comfort that goes very deep in me and leads me into guilt and an ugly cycle of feeling guilty about food even in small portions.

Being overweight in this world is very difficult. I was tortured about it as a child and simply equated my own self worth with my weight regardless of health and logic. Having an eating disorder is an indescribable horror. It consumes your life and makes it impossible to function normally and be successful and happy.

I promised myself that if I got to this point where I felt out of control and in a full fledged relapse I would admit myself into treatment before it took over my life again and I hurt myself. Being post wls I feel like I'm already fragile enough and to be unable to adequately eat is putting me at major risk for serious health issues. It's gotten so bad lately I'm having trouble even taking in Water and I'm resistant to Vitamins, basically I'm unable to care for myself correctly. Thoughts about food and weight take up all of my attention and I'm suffering in my relationships, work, family life, etc.

I'm going to go into a live in therapy program for 30-90 days and hopefully get past this so I can enjoy my life and maintain my weight in the future.

If there is anyone out there struggling with an eating disorder I'd love to chat with you. I'm grateful for the support I've received on this forum from so many wonderful people and though I may not post for awhile my heart is with you all in your journey.

Edited October 29, 2015 by bellabloom

[KindaFamiliar 3,867]

@@bellabloom

I've no idea what it must be like to go thru such a thing..

I can but imagine..

As such, I've nothing to say that could be of any use to you..

However, I wish you nothing but the best and I truly hope that it can be all of the help that you need..

You've made a very big decision and of that you should be well proud..

Take care...

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I wish you the very best and think you have made the best decision for yourself you possibly could -- to seek treatment in a live-in setting.

We'll all be thinking of you and hoping you're healing.

Ann

[jane13 2,256]

@@bellabloom - wishing you the best of luck

Keep us posted, if you can, and get back online when you are released. Eating disorders are real.

jane

[marcossleeve 8]

This whole thing it's all mental, for us all, you got to stay positive, don't let the bad stuff win, you are better than that, you are a beautiful person and must stay strong !!!!

My best wishes for you !!!

Get well & stay well !!!

[Tssiemer1 549]

Sweetie I think this is best for you. Really. Take the time for yourself and focus on what you need to. We just want to see you healthy.

[hollybower 122]

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR RECOGNIZING THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING HERE IS YOU!!!! You GO!!

[Victoria Mora 40]

Wishing you all the best. Eating disorders are so real, Im glad you can get help.

Hope you will able to let us know how your progressing.

[The Candidate 3,215]

Congratulations for seeking the help you need, and best wishes for the future.

[KristenVSG2014 1,872]

"Being overweight in this world is very difficult. I was tortured about it as a child and simply equated my own self worth with my weight regardless of health and logic."

Wow. This just made me realize I also have always equated my self worth with my weight. Mine also stems from childhood.

I'm happy you are smart and aware you need help before it is too late. Please keep us updated on your progress!

[glitter eyes 1,398]

I wish you all the best. Eating disorders are difficult to live with. Just remember that you are a beautiful woman who seems very kind, focus on your inner qualities and take care of yourself.

Keep us posted, we are all cheering for you.

None of us should feel valued by a number on the scale.

[glitter eyes 1,398]

I also think you are very brave and intelligent. First, for speaking out about your struggles and for seeking treatment. These are actions of a survivor.

[Dub 9,922]

I wish you the very best.

I think you are doing the wise and healthy thing in taking this step to help you sort this out and get the perspective that you need.

You've been through a great battle and by most accounts you've done great....come so far. Prayers that your actions will lead to being able to see your incredible progress and enjoy life. You've earned it and should be able to be completely enjoying things at this point....not tormenting yourself.

There is a lot of value to being able to look at yourself, pat yourself on the back and know you earned it.

[fernandfj 469]

This is just one more example of how strong you are. You are on the right path. God Speed.

[peaceout 273]

I'll certainly be thinking about you, and wish you the best of luck. Take care of yourself!