To tell or not to tell...

[DaisyAmy 561]

My surgery is coming up in Dec. while reading these forums, I've noticed so many different thoughts on telling people you're having the surgery.

Personally, my family knows, my close friends know and my close co-workers know. I won't advertise it on FB or anything, but I feel confident in my decision and don't really care what people think. I am blessed to have supportive family and friends.

I'm just curious what guides others' decisions to tell or not?

[♥dreamable 189]

I have said this before and I will say it again here

I am not out shouting to the world that I had this surgery. However, I have no shame in telling anyone if they ask.

I grew up and have a special needs daughter and fight everyday to erase the stigma around mental illness. That means being open and honest with people and NOT hiding the truth from them. I feel the same about this surgery.

There is a stigma that this is "the easy way out" or "cheating the system" or whatever. So everyone who who fails to mention surgery and will only tell people, "Oh it's just diet and exercise" are only feeding into the stigmas that so many of us are trying to fight and educate people on. People hear that and think, "well so and so lost 100lbs by just changing her diet and exercise, I don't see why all obese people can't do it" etc.

That's my .02.

[TiredOfMyself 141]

I have been working on getting my insurance approval for months and have only mentioned it in passing to my bestie. I just told my husband last weekend. He was shocked. My parents will be told because we will need childcare help. I don't want to tell my inlaws or extended family.

I don't want to tell anyone but I don't know what to tell them when they ask. I am always at my kids school volunteering and I know people will ask, I am dreading it because I don't know what to say.

I am not a private person at all but I guess my embarrassment wants to keep it quiet. I'm ashamed.

Edited October 28, 2015 by TiredOfMyself

[Linaka 92]

It's a really personal decision. I didn't tell anyone when I had a hysterectomy because I'm a private person and it's none of their business. I didn't tell anyone other than my husband about this surgery. There's no place for the word "shame" in this discussion. Not telling people does not have anything to do with that. I wanted to focus my time and energy on getting well and following my surgeon's guidelines, not answering curious people's questions, explaining my medical choices or listening to the opinions of people who are not in my shoes.

[shellyd88 463]

You don't need to feel embarrassed you are not obligated to disclose medical info to anyone who is bold enough to ask you are entitled to privacy and decide who you want to know and when if ever it's your life and your body no one else gets a vote and if they ask anyway give the, a shocked look and say excuse me? Change the subject to something else or simply say I only discuss medical issues with my dr but thank you for asking I'm fine...

[Linaka 92]

@@TiredOfMyself

I've noticed (so far) no one has asked. If they do you are not obligated to provide intimate details of your weight loss or medical conditions or procedures. You'll be going low carb and exercising your fanny off, that's all they need to know if that's all you're comfortable saying.

Edited October 28, 2015 by Linaka

[sbrainwater 44]

I'm only telling my partner. She's going with me and is completely supportive. She has loved me through thick and thin, literally for ten years. She only wants me to be happy and has never said a word about my weight going up and down and then just up.

I'm very private. I'm not on Facebook or any social media except for this website. I have a few very close friends who would try to talk me out of it because they think I'm perfect just the way I am. Or the naturally thin ones would tell me to just eat more salad and work out more. All said with love but I don't want to hear it. I don't think it's anyone's business.

I do not want to hear any unwarranted advice and hurtful comments. I've had enough of that from family since I was a child.

If people ask, I will just say diet and exercise which will be true. Because surgery or not, we will always have to watch we eat and exercise.

[Dub 9,922]

My surgery is coming up in Dec. while reading these forums, I've noticed so many different thoughts on telling people you're having the surgery.

Personally, my family knows, my close friends know and my close co-workers know. I won't advertise it on FB or anything, but I feel confident in my decision and don't really care what people think. I am blessed to have supportive family and friends.

I'm just curious what guides others' decisions to tell or not?

You just summed it up well for me, too.

[shellyd88 463]

Hi I feel the same way I don't talk about it but if asked I say yes I had surgery a few ppl close to me know but I never cared what anyone thought about it it's my life and I have to deal with the effects of being heavy and all that comes with it ... I find it interesting that people will comment on how heavy you are and why don't you do something then the same ppl make negative comments on the surgery to them I say ok have it done live with it a while then we will re visit this conversation and you can tell me what about you feel is so easy... They get quiet after that

[Proud2BMe 1,016]

Everyone who lies and doesn't tell the truth is part of the problem and not the solution. There's no shame in surgery but there is shame in people who lie about it.

Every time I have someone ask me if I've lost a lot of weight I always tell them I had weight loss surgery.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

The OP asked:

I'm just curious what guides others' decisions to tell or not?

There's "ignorance" that stems from not having relevant information or education, and then there's "ignorance" that comes from never having had the kind of specific experience that delivers knowledge and even wisdom to those who have had that experience. Examples include being a parent, being a combat veteran, and (yes) having been obese most of your life.

It's my observation that those who have never been obese have a very different view of what it takes to overcome obesity. They simply don't get it. That is how most of my friends and family feel, many of whom are confused if not downright disgusted by fat people.

Therefore, what guided my decision to remain on the down low re WLS (I was sleeved 14.5 months ago) was that I simply didn't want to have any of those conversations wherein I had try (over and over) to explain and educate people who have never been obese.

Plus, when you have those kinds of conversations, there's also an element of seeking agreement and even approval for my most personal decisions that sneaks in. And I didn't want to get even close to that emotional monster. This is my body, my decision, my life.

[Klolojadie 46]

I've only told my family, no one else. I'm going to have the surgery soon and I will feel it out after. I'm not telling Facebook, I'm not telling even friends. Maybe I'll feel differently afterwards and shouting it from the rooftops will be exactly what I need. For now I don't want to have to explain myself or defend my choices. Hopefully the changes in my health will do that for me in the end. Maybe I'm just weak too.

[PayItForward 207]

I have said this before and I will say it again here

I am not out shouting to the world that I had this surgery. However, I have no shame in telling anyone if they ask.

There is a stigma that this is "the easy way out" or "cheating the system" or whatever. So everyone who who fails to mention surgery and will only tell people, "Oh it's just diet and exercise" are only feeding into the stigmas that so many of us are trying to fight and educate people on. People hear that and think, "well so and so lost 100lbs by just changing her diet and exercise, I don't see why all obese people can't do it" etc.

I agree completely and could not have said it better. I don't want to help perpetuate the myth that everyone can lose weight by just dieting and exercising. I needed the surgery and I am not ashamed.

[hollybower 122]

I have told my husband and my kids. I wish I felt OK to tell my closest friend (my sister!) but I feel bad that it will make her feel even worse about herself. Then again I think, I've don't so many things to try to lose and it keeps coming back.. So since I have tried so hard for so long, I DESERVE THIS!!!!! I still don't think I'll mention it, but when the weight starts falling off, I'm sure there will be questions asked!

[sbrainwater 44]

Everyone who lies and doesn't tell the truth is part of the problem and not the solution. There's no shame in surgery but there is shame in people who lie about it.

Every time I have someone ask me if I've lost a lot of weight I always tell them I had weight loss surgery.

You sound really judgemental and rude. That's not the point of this website. This is supposed to be a supportive, helpful site. I cannot believe you are judging other people's very PERSONAL decision. What part of the "problem" am I since I'm not telling people? And yes, I am well aware I seem angry. I am angry at your comment.

Do you judge me for having two surgeries for endometriosis and not telling people about that? This has been my personal struggle and battle. It is my story to share if I decide to.

I think you shaming others for not telling is part of the "problem." And by problem, I mean obesity. We know we are being silently judged at all times just walking into a room. We know how hard it is to stick to a diet and exercise regimen and fail over and over again. For most of us, surgery is the last ditch effort. And we are still afraid of failing. Everyone has their demons, issues, and their right to privacy.

I'm glad you feel so confident in telling everyone about your surgery. But do not try to shame me and make me feel like I'm doing something wrong by keeping my experience to myself.