Skinny chasers

[CowgirlJane 14,260]

@@bellabloom someday you will find someone who appreciates the full you - I agree!

I also know you feel great about yourself and your looks and there is nothing wrong with that. I think self love is very important.

I also know that a big part of the online dating pool sucks. Hey, I entered into a somewhat serious beginning of a relationship last winter with someone who I am now convinced is mentally ill. My friends all thought he was da bomb and were totally taken in by his "false front" as well. It's discouraging.

I am not sure if I believe in the MeyersBriggs personality thing - but i test as an ENFP. I was researching that a little bit and what struck me is people often feel that since that "type" tends to be so friendly and even flirtatious to everyone, they don't know how to trust it. It has given me alot to think about... that self confident, outgoing, empathetic, etc personality is often perceived COMPLETELY wrong in the dating world. hmmm

Example, I have repeatedly had men who I did NOT want a second date with me shocked and kinda... disappointed... that I didn't want a second date. From their perspective - we really hit it off. Well, from my perspective, I was polite and friendly and all that like I am to EVERYONE.

Flip side, I can also be overly business like/put up defenses. It is an artform I have perfected from my years of obesity and the way of dealing with unwanted attention too. I think this is a reason I don't meet people more naturally, organically. I am trying to practice making eye contact, smiling if I see someone that interests me. Who knows, he might be married, or not be interested in me, but a smile is hardly like I am throwing myself at him - so why not try it?

Anyway, I know I have taken this a different tangent, but the point I am trying to make is that while the comments come across as a bit harsh and judgmental, I think we all need to ask ourselves what we are doing to contribute to "the problem". But yes, a lot of it is that the online dating pool is full of messed up people - one of the key reasons I am just not doing it right now.

[SleevePerry 248]

I have to agree with @@LipstickLady , you get what you project. You created a thread about being obsessed with yourself and your posts have gone down hill since then.

You should take a break from dating and focus on yourself and get grounded in your new persona before dating.

You come off as not being comfortable in your skin. Men will pick up on that and exploit it.

This is so mean and hurtful. That post was about me celebrating my success and being thrilled about what I've accomplished. It was about self love and worth.

How does it help you too tell me my posts suck? I would never say something like that to anyone!

I didn't say your posts suck.

They do come off as being posted by an insecure person that is attention seeking. People that are secure in themselves do seek validation in others the way you do.

The way you responded to criticism in this thread just illustrates it.

Um? Yeah, you kind of did. Perhaps you had not intended to insult, but it most certainly could have been phrased in a less insulting manner.

[BigViffer 3,544]

I'm am an extremely confident woman who knows what she is looking for...

I am one of the kindest, warmest, and most positive people I know. If you knew me in person, you would know that. I'm a loyal friend and wonderful mother. People open up to me because of my gentle and welcoming nature. I'm a very sweet and accepting person. I truly care about people and their feelings...

I'm extremely down to earth, my favorite thing to make fun of is myself, I am a dorky and friendly gal that people generally really like, and I love being me...

And modest. Don't forget modest.

[bellabloom 2,467]

I have to agree with @@LipstickLady , you get what you project. You created a thread about being obsessed with yourself and your posts have gone down hill since then.

You should take a break from dating and focus on yourself and get grounded in your new persona before dating.

You come off as not being comfortable in your skin. Men will pick up on that and exploit it.

This is so mean and hurtful. That post was about me celebrating my success and being thrilled about what I've accomplished. It was about self love and worth.

How does it help you too tell me my posts suck? I would never say something like that to anyone!

I didn't say your posts suck.

They do come off as being posted by an insecure person that is attention seeking. People that are secure in themselves do seek validation in others the way you do.

The way you responded to criticism in this thread just illustrates it.

Wow you are so mean!!! ????. Hurting my feelings.

[SleevePerry 248]

I'm am an extremely confident woman who knows what she is looking for...

I am one of the kindest, warmest, and most positive people I know. If you knew me in person, you would know that. I'm a loyal friend and wonderful mother. People open up to me because of my gentle and welcoming nature. I'm a very sweet and accepting person. I truly care about people and their feelings...

I'm extremely down to earth, my favorite thing to make fun of is myself, I am a dorky and friendly gal that people generally really like, and I love being me...

And modest. Don't forget modest.

You know what? Nothing wrong with a bit of immodesty.

I, for one, am lovely. And brilliant. As, I'm sure, are all of you.

[Veronica_mm 87]

Definitely more head turns for me. I notice and definitely my teenage boys notice lol. But I have known chubby chasers too. I loved those chubby chaser guys lol.

[bellabloom 2,467]

I'm am an extremely confident woman who knows what she is looking for...

I am one of the kindest, warmest, and most positive people I know. If you knew me in person, you would know that. I'm a loyal friend and wonderful mother. People open up to me because of my gentle and welcoming nature. I'm a very sweet and accepting person. I truly care about people and their feelings...

I'm extremely down to earth, my favorite thing to make fun of is myself, I am a dorky and friendly gal that people generally really like, and I love being me...

And modest. Don't forget modest.

Hahahha. Nope I'm not one to walk quietly through the world with my head down. Thank god!!

I have as many flaws and insecurities as anyone else. But what I have learned in life is no one else will be your advocate- you have to be your own.

My insecurities in my youth led me into an abusive marriage for 8 years that almost killed me. I had to decide every day whether or not I believed the things he said to me. I was called a fat pig every day for years and I had children with him so I felt very trapped. It's was so hard to leave.

I've come out of that strong and full of love for myself and appreciation of my worth. No one will do that for us. And hating on other people- that's a sign of insecurity if I've ever seen one!!

I have no problem sitting with my flaws and shouting out my good qualities. Life is hard enough and if your not going to be your own best friend, who will?????

[bellabloom 2,467]

Definitely more head turns for me. I notice and definitely my teenage boys notice lol. But I have known chubby chasers too. I loved those chubby chaser guys lol.

So true!! Good point. Maybe I'm being too sensitive about it.

Edited October 22, 2015 by bellabloom

[Veronica_mm 87]

Definitely more head turns for me. I notice and definitely my teenage boys notice lol. But I have known chubby chasers too. I loved those chubby chaser guys lol.

So true!! Good point. Maybe I'm being too sensitive about it.

I don't think so you feel what you feel. Men are visual a holes lol and guess the majority like skinny minnies. It sucks how superficial they are and seeing how many more men are available to us now. What can we do...enjoyyyy : ))

[BigViffer 3,544]

I don't think so you feel what you feel. Men are visual a holes lol and guess the majority like skinny minnies.

That's an awfully broad stroke to paint men with. I have never liked skinny women personally. Atheletic maybe, but I like thicker or dare I say plump women. Most of my friends do as well, but not all. And those that do not like fuller figure women have something that they themselves are insecure about. So I believe they are using the "hot" woman as a way to hide their perceived shortcomings. Same thing with guys and sport cars. They assume that others will see him with a beautiful woman and think to themselves, "Man, that guy must really have his sh_t together to get a woman like that!"

I find that I have almost always wanted someone that I enjoyed their company first, the looks second. So that is the type of woman I set out to attract. bellanloom stated that she is doing the online dating thing. If so, then that means that she has a profile on a service. The men that are reading it and contacting her must have something in common with her profile. Not saying her personally, but the persona she is projecting on a service.

So I guess my advice to bella would be to change your profile to reflect the part of you that you want people to notice and attract the type of man you want. In a state as big as California, there must be someone who isn't "crazy" like your other thread nor a skinny chaser.

[bikrchk 1,313]

I'm 2 years out maintaining for a year and 1/2 now. I jumped back into my social life after losing about half my weight. Probably too early in hindsight. As I approached a healthy BMI, I attracted more attention, (not always the kind I wanted), but looking back, my accomplishment was always present in the front of my mind then. I thought about it a lot. Every time I passed a window or mirror I was astounded by the reflection I saw. I worried about when I would tell a potential boyfriend and how. Was in a 10 month relationship that recently ended and recently jumped back in the pool.

It's different now. I'm not complacent. I still work out 5 days per week, weigh several time per week, eat small meals, (like I have a choice), :-) but I think about all of that A LOT less than I used to. I've met the "fat shamer", but they are few and are between and never get a second date. I'm choosier about who I'll go out with now. I'm looking for someone who is ACTIVE, because I need that influence in my life, but not someone who's more in love with his pecs\abs\whatever that he will be with me!

Where I used to obsess over my progress and maintaining it, I just don't so much anymore. Where I used to obsess about telling a potential partner I'd had bariatric surgery and why I eat so little, I don't anymore because all of that feels really normal to me now. I'm just more relaxed about it all which I think comes with time.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I have to agree with @@LipstickLady , you get what you project. You created a thread about being obsessed with yourself and your posts have gone down hill since then.

You should take a break from dating and focus on yourself and get grounded in your new persona before dating.

You come off as not being comfortable in your skin. Men will pick up on that and exploit it.

This is so mean and hurtful. That post was about me celebrating my success and being thrilled about what I've accomplished. It was about self love and worth.

How does it help you too tell me my posts suck? I would never say something like that to anyone!

I didn't say your posts suck.

They do come off as being posted by an insecure person that is attention seeking. People that are secure in themselves do seek validation in others the way you do.

The way you responded to criticism in this thread just illustrates it.

Um? Yeah, you kind of did. Perhaps you had not intended to insult, but it most certainly could have been phrased in a less insulting manner.

I wrote what I meant and I meant what I wrote. It wasn't meant as an insult, I am just being straight forward. I can't control how other people feel about words on a screen, and I don't care to try.

She make a post at least once a week about being skinny and begging for people to validate her.

There is no way that isn't seeping into her real life, and she posted that her family and friends are tired of her, so it obviously is. These men she are dating can see it also and they are zeroing in.

[bellabloom 2,467]

????????????????????????????

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Bella, you really are focused on how skinny you are. Just go back and read your recent posts and threads you've started. You want to lose five more pounds, even though your doc has told you to put the weight loss skids on.

You've said you now value yourself so much more highly than you did when you were 125 pounds heavier.

Oh -- and your ex-husband (you just posted) spent 8 years emotionally and verbally abusing you, calling you a fat pig. Surely, that left some awful psychological scars and affected how you judge yourself. (I'm not telling you anything you don't know, I'm sure.)

And now you're finding out that some (a lot?) of men also value you highly for being skinny. And you're mad at them for judging you by the same standards you judge yourself.

Any chance you're ... dare I say it ... projecting your own discomfort and fears about your new looks onto them for reasons that you would understand better than any of us here?

The important thing is that you are probably going to figure all this out. Your new normal really will turn into something that feels normal. You'll figure out the relationship scene and find out how to relate to (and find men who can relate to) someone not just on the basis of how skinny they are or how much they love how skinny you are.

You did good recently in getting shed of that alcoholic who kept physically hurting you when he fell on you in his drunken stupors.

There's a lot going on here. A lot. A whole lot. For my two cents' worth (aren't you glad you asked my opinion?), I think your sensitivity around all this really does start with your own concerns / fears / transitions.

Good heavens -- you've been through so much lately. And as they keep telling us in classes and online and in the shrink's office: "Losing weight doesn't fix everything that we need to work on."

Just breathe in ... and out. Keep doing it.

(Big hugs.)

[BigViffer 3,544]

I, for one, am lovely. And brilliant. As, I'm sure, are all of you.

Not me. I'm one ugly mofo. But I am pretty damn charming.

Sent from my phone, please forgive brevity and misspelling