Eating meals with other people

[byebyedarkpassenger 203]

So here I am, six weeks out and doing extremely well, and so grateful that my journey has been so smooth. And now for my next hurdle: I have managed for the past six weeks to eat the vast majority of my meals alone or with close family. The thought of eating with others fills me with dread. I inevitably become the focus of attention, people comment on what I am and am not eating, on my weight and physical appearance, and then the conversation turns to how fat everyone feels (regardless of their size) and then talk of diet and exercise. Ad nauseum. Every. Single. Time. Aaaargh! So I have avoided eating with other people. Problem is, I'm going away for 4 days with people who know of my surgery but with whom I have not shared a meal since surgery. Then I come home and have a house guest for 3 weeks. So like it or not, I'm going to have to deal with eating around others. Have you felt the same way, and how have you managed it?

[jacks89 51]

Honestly, I'm right there with you on the whole avoiding going out thing. I'm 3 weeks out now? And my family is very supportive but they wanted to go out to dinner like we did before surgery...it was brutal to have to sit there while everyone else ate and I had a water bottle. They didn't say anything but I simply told them if they were to go out to eat to exclude me the next time. /:

[OKCPirate 5,323]

It has not been a problem. I just tell people I'm not a big eater, get a doggie bag and don't make a big deal of it. Some times I can eat, other times I can't. No big woop. I also get small portions of prime cuts of beef Oh the great stuff I could not afford before the surgery, quality trumps quantity any day.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

I just hit 5 weeks and I had the same issue. So far I've eaten with my parents or husband and they all know about the surgery

but this past weekend I had to go to a restaurant for my brother in law's birthday. I checked out the menu ahead of time and found an appetizer that I could eat, seared tuna. I made sure it was something that my husband would be able to finish if I couldn't. I was worried that people would comment on how little I was eating. But nobody noticed, everybody was basically too busy eating their own food to care about what I was eating. The only comment I got was "oh that looks good".

[Bufflehead 6,358]

Don't be afraid to take charge of the conversation. If people start commenting on your eating habits or your weight, just say "oh gosh, this is boring, no one wants to go into detail about how I eat" and then change the topic. If they bring it back, change it again, more forcefully -- "no really, this is an uncomfortable topic for me. Can we please talk about something else instead?"

If people are lacking manners, sometimes you have to be willing to bash the manners into them. They are being incredibly rude and thoughtless and it's okay to show them that fact as long as you are tactful about it the first time around.

[jhclikesshopping@gmail.com 285]

go with a plan....

With one group of friends (who know I had the surgery), they order and I just snack off their plates....

With husband, we share an entree and he gets salad/ app in addition

With others who do not know, I have strategies I use. Here are three of them.

1) order appetizer (always check the menu before going to make sure there is something I eat).

2) order salad and only eat meat and veggies (then I leave the lettuce and usually complain I did not like the lettuce - and no one is the wiser).

3) order from the "small plates" section if available

Hope this helps!!

[krista132 213]

It will get easier as you go along, trust me. If the conversation turns to you, just shut it down in a polite way. Make it known that you are ready to move onto the next topic of conversation. Sometimes, it is your friends trying to show that they take an interest in your new life. Its not always a bad thing. But, if you don't want to talk about it, say that and move on to the next topic.

[krash11 35]

Another tip I learned is if you hold your fork in your hand, the servers will leave you alone and not ask if your done or if you didn't like your meal. I also order from the kids menu a lot.

[CJ Porter 93]

I had to reassure a member of the wait staff the other day that I really did like the food - just couldn't eat much. It was the first time I ordered my own plate out.

You've been given a lot of great tips here. I've been mostly sharing with family or friends, or getting an "add-on" to whatever they're getting (grilled shrimp skewer, for example) and eat that. I find that sometimes it's hard - they don't cook the vegetables near enough for my needs, so I don't do veggies in restaurants. I don't drink Water with the meal. But I eat SUPER slow because I don't want to finish long before everyone else!

Good luck! You can do this!

[lachellove 486]

The thing that bothers me is when they say "oh you can't have that " or "are you supposed to be eating that"? I'm like its a small piece of chicken breast(Skinless) not cake. I said where were you when I was stuffing my face with cheese burgers with bacon and curly fries with a strawberry milkshake... Sheesh.

[Sajijoma 1,324]

This isn't my problem yet...still waiting for surgery, but my "plan" is to scout the menu ahead for something doable and then feed the majority to my toddler instead of buying him his own meal since he never likes "kid food" and wants mine anyway. Then whatever is left can go in a doggie bag and it won't look so "shocking" to anyone. They probably wouldn't even notice I wasn't eating, because the fork is in the hand most of the time, it'll just be headed to the toddler's mouth. Also, at least with me and our brood, it's not uncommon to spend our restaurant time with me feeding the kids and assisting them, then me to take my food home and eat it when it's less stressful so I think unless someone were really scrutinizing, they wouldn't notice what I was doing.

[byebyedarkpassenger 203]

Thank you for your thoughts! I have to say that every reply has resonated with me - from bristling when people question whether you're allowed to eat something, to avoiding going out to dinner... I've also "prechosen" menu items before going out. All really good tips. You guys rock! As for me, well it's time to suck it up and use all my tools to get used to eating with humans again...

[Trinn 139]

I am all about checking menus out before we go. I also just order a la carte, not worrying about the menu. "I'd love just a chicken breast, please, no sides." The other day I was out with friends for the first time and the restaurant we were at was a sports bar. There was exactly ONE thing on the menu that I could eat -- grilled chicken tenders (no breading) as an appetizer. Well, I just ate one of them, slowly, over the course of the whole time everyone else was eating. I offered the rest to others. When some people I don't know joined us and commented, I said, "Oh, I ate earlier." Which is true, but my earlier was 4 hours before that. :-)

But you know, "I'm recovering from tummy problems, I am being very careful about what I eat," has worked well when I'm at school and they're serving pizza and whatnot.

[Jim in Utah 25]

I am 11 weeks out, and it has not been an issue for me. I've had meals with people who don't know of my surgery and no one has said a thing. They do know I've lost weight, so I guess they just assume I am not eating a lot because I am on a diet. But my take is they are not really paying attention to my plate.

[CJ Porter 93]

The thing that bothers me is when they say "oh you can't have that " or "are you supposed to be eating that"? I'm like its a small piece of chicken breast(Skinless) not cake. I said where were you when I was stuffing my face with cheese burgers with bacon and curly fries with a strawberry milkshake... Sheesh.

No kidding! I took one french fry off my nephew's plate and my sister was right away, "Aren't they verboten?" No, no they're not. See, because, here's my thought - one fry. Tasted it. Felt satisfied. Keeps me from having an entire plate of them because I'm craving them so bad.