Husband rant

[Namaste6 82]

@@Sophie74656

Is he not interested in the surgery? Maybe it's a mix of both jealousy as well as nervousness/being scared that people mentioned before. I would assume, but I do not know him, that he has been very comfortable with the both of you being larger together, and he is scared of everything changing. There was a forum on here a few weeks ago where someone mentioned her husband had the fear that when she got thinner, that she would leave him for someone not obese. Maybe he needs reassurance too? Then he can let go of his own insecurities and just be supportive.

[Namaste6 82]

I have had quite a few family members have bariatric surgery (6 actually) and my cousin and her then boyfriend used to get into arguments because she would complain that he was eating too much in front of her (She never really fixed her food issues)

Anyway, she took him to a few psychology appointments and it seemed to really help them.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

I'm sorry to hear things are like they are.

Being a husband........I can speak from experience that I do some pretty boneheaded stuff at times.

Boneheaded by own admission, yet most likely worse from my wife's perspective. She must think I'm a moron at times.

I do feel that a lot of stuff in my marriage can be cleared up just by getting it out in the open. Discussing it.

I sure as hell don't have a crystal ball......I work long hours......usually in pain in numerous areas.......so I don't "see" a lot of stuff. Sleep-shower-work-shower-sleep.....

Things work out best for us when we stay in communication and I'm not expected see and know everything.

Long weekends and days off are different. We sort of fall into the same pace and relax.

I also think this bariatric stuff is a huge deal.....tremendous part of life that our spouses may not understand.

They may not realize how much you put into it. They may not acknowledge your efforts.

One thing for certain is the old adage, "Ignorance is bliss" is a bunch of hogwash.

As I husband, I benefit greatly from being kept in the loop on stuff.

The best times we have are a few minutes a day when we block out all else and just talk.

No mysteries and guesswork.

In sync.

oh I do my share of bonehead things too, but I apologize for them and I can admit when I've done something stupid. he can never ever ever admit that he's done something wrong or accept his share of blame for something.

[Madeleine Renee 77]

Sophie, I am sorry that your relationship with your husband is not the best. Unfortunately, he might be very insecure with all the changes that are happening. I have been married for 38 years and professional help might be a solution here if your husband accepts to go with you.

You are not happy and he is not likely to change unless you discuss it with you. Therapy would open the door and facilitate a healthy exchange.

Congratulations on your weight loss, it is fantastic.

Keep working on yourself and see if you could get outside help.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

Sophie, I am sorry that your relationship with your husband is not the best. Unfortunately, he might be very insecure with all the changes that are happening. I have been married for 38 years and professional help might be a solution here if your husband accepts to go with you.

You are not happy and he is not likely to change unless you discuss it with you. Therapy would open the door and facilitate a healthy exchange.

Congratulations on your weight loss, it is fantastic.

Keep working on yourself and see if you could get outside help.

I definitely want to go to counseling but our insurance doesn't cover it, and it'snot something that we can afford on our own right now

[Sophie74656 1,572]

@@Sophie74656

Is he not interested in the surgery? Maybe it's a mix of both jealousy as well as nervousness/being scared that people mentioned before. I would assume, but I do not know him, that he has been very comfortable with the both of you being larger together, and he is scared of everything changing. There was a forum on here a few weeks ago where someone mentioned her husband had the fear that when she got thinner, that she would leave him for someone not obese. Maybe he needs reassurance too? Then he can let go of his own insecurities and just be supportive.

no, he's terrified of doctors and surgery and he doesn't want to do anything about his weight. I really don't think it's a matter of jealousy, he's just not a very romantic or considerate guy I'm finding out

[Namaste6 82]

That's a shame =\

Do you watch Extreme Weight Loss? There was an episode a few months back about a couple losing weight for their wedding. And the woman realized that her fiance was actually holding her back and she was much happier when they had their mandatory separation.

Maybe since you are re-evaluating yourself, you need to make more drastic changes. But involve him, express your feelings. Maybe he will realize that he needs to change for you.

You should call your insurance company - I was under the impression that there is a mandatory coverage for up to 5 sessions per individual with a psychologist. I was told mine covered 10 visits. I think there was a co-pay of $25 per visit - you might only need 1. But my pre-op class mandated visits.

[Dub 9,922]

@@Sophie74656

Is he not interested in the surgery? Maybe it's a mix of both jealousy as well as nervousness/being scared that people mentioned before. I would assume, but I do not know him, that he has been very comfortable with the both of you being larger together, and he is scared of everything changing. There was a forum on here a few weeks ago where someone mentioned her husband had the fear that when she got thinner, that she would leave him for someone not obese. Maybe he needs reassurance too? Then he can let go of his own insecurities and just be supportive.

no, he's terrified of doctors and surgery and he doesn't want to do anything about his weight. I really don't think it's a matter of jealousy, he's just not a very romantic or considerate guy I'm finding out

I was in a similar mindset up until last year. Didn't believe in going to the doctor for routine stuff.

A strong disciple of the "if it ain't broke" school of thought.

I started off having to make more appointments with my regular doctor for things.....he'd refer me to specialists who'd ultimately treat the various maladies.

All the specialists had one suggestion in common......."You need to loose weight.....a lot of it, too".

I'm dumb but not stupid. Heard that enough times to realize it was time take a serious approach to my weight or else the huge medical bills and maladies would escalate.

Dumb that I let the financial side of be the catalyst more than the physical concerns.

I'm just glad my focus arrived before my weight paved the way to an early death.

Hopefully he'll come around and realize life doesn't have to be lived like that. Maybe your progress will inspire him to be open minded and make healthy changes.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

As "bone headed " as my husband can be sometimes, (Me too !! ), he never fails to notice or compliment me on my weight loss . ( You 've gotten so tiny !! ) Some people just have to be taught ( your husband ) so tell him ! Say ", I would really appreciate it if you would acknowledge my weight loss / hardwork, etc, just like I acknowledge your hard work when you do X ! Whatever X is, compliment it ! It sounds like he has no interest in the WLS world, and it could be he's just not that interested in this part of your life, just as you may not be interested in certain parts of his life. Just a thought ! Hope things turn out well for you, good luck !!!

[chrisredjeep 357]

Elide

That's a brilliant comment!

[kristenkek 3]

This has me so worried!! I have been married now for 1 year and 6 months. We have been together for 5. My husband is all kinds of supportive but I am so afraid he will resent me and be jealous. He himself lost 100lbs with just diet an exercise before he met me. Today he was telling me that I'm in for a shock of how hard it is actually going to be. I just want to be happy and healthy. I Especially want to feel beautiful when he tells me I am. Right now I'm don't believe it. I really hope this will make us stronger, we have been through so much medical stuff already.

[dhrguru 1,238]

I just need to get a few things off my chest. I don't have many friends to vent to and this has proven to be a supportive place

Rant one....begging for a compliment. From the day of my consultation to today, I've lost over 80 lbs. My parents, brother, grandparents are all super amazed and have told me how visible my weight loss is, especially in my face. But my husband has never said anything to the sort. I even flat out asked him if my weight loss was visible and all he will ever say is "it's hard to tell I see you every day" Come on man I've lost 80 lbs, you HAVE to be seeing a difference

Rant two...never admits his share of blame for anything. Usually if my husband needs some laundry done he will leave what he needs washed on the bed when he goes to work and I will wash it that day. He has a favorite Tshirt that he wanted to wear tomorrow, so tonight he asked me if I had washed it. I told him I didn't because it wasn't in the pile he left me. He insist it was and I told him that I had washed everything in the pile and if it was there then it would be hanging on the drying rack. It wasn't there and he started getting mad that I hadn't washed the shirt and more than that now he can't find the shirt. Eventually I found the shirt crumpled under some other clothes on his nightstand so obviously he never gave it to me. Instead of admitting that he never gave it to me all he said was "well I have no idea how it got there"

Rant three...going out without me. Two weeks after my surgery he mentions that he wants to go to a mexican restaurant that we love, I told him that after 4 weeks I can eat and that I could get a cup of Soup there, This morning he tells me that he went to that restaurant last night without me. His reasoning was "you can't eat anything anyway and I told you I wanted to go". i know it's silly to get mad over a restaurant but I told him more than once that I could go with him and have a cup of Soup but of course he claims I never told him

sorry this was so long

I had as husband rant post not too long ago and it touched on the lack of compliment thing too. My hubby rarely compliments me. But that was the case pre op too, so I know he's not intentionally avoiding acknowledging my weight loss, it just bugs me more since there so much he *could* acknowledge now. I've resolved not to pester him about it, and have a network of cheerleaders outside of him: my sister's, cousin nieces and these online forums. I can see the dunce /clueless look he gets when I'm complimented in front of him, and I secretly love it. Makes me wanna shout "see dummy, normal people say nice things about ones appearance!!" I can also tell he's in awe of how my body has changed during intimacy. Just those things are priceless for me. I will not fish for compliments.

I have few words on the laundry thing... I stopped doing my hubby's laundry YEARS ago. Makes for a peaceful life for us. Regarding him never fessing up... You can't expect him to live by the same moral code you do. Certainly voice that you are irked by his actions, or else he'll never know there is something he needs to work on.

[gowalking 10,790]

I'm not trying to be flip here...I was married a long time and understand how wonderful and difficult marriage is, but after reading these posts, I have to say that there's something to be said for being single.

[Jefferyc79 103]

Here's my take on it. I hope that I don't offend anyone. But I'm just being honest. What we all have in common is the issues we've had with our weight. Some of us also have other issues i.e. insecurity, and depression. The people we are with in our relationship have learned to like those things about us. A man that is with a heavy woman might love heavy women. But he may love more what that heavy woman does to his ego. If your man can't give you a compliment after losing 80 pounds as a man in my mind it's saying that he doesn't want you losing weight. Your weight lost is now making him become insecure and he can't deal with that. It's OK for you to be insecure though to stroke his ego but he can't fathom that for himself. You need to sit him down and ask the tough questions. First starting with how your weight lost is effecting him. That's my take. Congrats on your current weight lost you should be proud of yourself. Hopefully your man can get on board and realize that not everyone is trying to lose weight to go find a new person. Good luck to you @@Sophie74656

[Mistie 201]

I can't speak from the 'sleeved' perspective, as I'm still working to get there (10/26!). I will speak from a counselor's perspective.

Visualize this. There's a nice, calm pond. On top of the pond, there is floating some leaves, some flecks of dust, maybe a pine needle, a feather or two from passing birds or ducks. Someone then takes a pebble and tosses it right into the middle. While the pebble only hits the one area, it ripples. As it ripples, it touches and disturbs the leaves, the dust, the pine needles, and the feathers which were all previously floating calmly on the pond. The pebble, while not directly impacting these items, has now disrupted the entire area.

Imagine the pond is your life, and the pebble is your weight loss surgery. ANYTIME we, as people, make any significant change in our lives, it impacts those around us. The closer to us someone is, the more of an impact.

When it comes to relationships, some survive, some sink. Why? It disrupts the 'status quo.' Even when people come in for marriage counseling, a good many of those relationships end in divorce, because one person makes a change the other cannot accept.

For your husband, it could be jealousy of you getting healthy. It could be fear that you will look so hot you'll leave him, so he's going to leave you first (emotionally). He could be simply be a jerk. He could not understand how to express affection and not be an affectionate person - and you've not really noticed or demanded this from him in the past because until now, you haven't felt WORTH it. It could make him feel better about himself feeling he has someone in his life he is 'better than,' and he doesn't want to let that go. It could be ANY number of things.

One thing is for certain. Unless there is open communication, things will not improve. And by open communication, I mean sitting down and having a conversation (not yelling), and telling him how you feel (not accusing/blaming), and what you need. Throwing in positive comments along the way could work wonders, as well.

Sadly, the stats on marriages surviving a partner making a major life change are daunting (even when I was completing my PhD, they forewarned us about how many marriages failed during this process). Does this mean your, or anyone elses' marriage is doomed? No way! It just means it's going to take a bit of work, and both partners have to be willing. But you might also have to make some hard decisions about what is right for YOU and take care of YOU and put yourself FIRST, something those of us with weight issues often have a hard time doing. You ARE worth it...

Best of luck to you!

(and apologies for such a long post!)