Husband rant

[Ashlegal 525]

I was unprepared for the mental changes I experienced after surgery. My husband couldn't have been more supportive of my decision or my recovery. But we had problems/issues long before I had surgery. Once the weight was mostly off those issues were exposed on the surface of my soul. It was difficult to say the least. We went to counseling but neither of us put much effort into it. In the end, we separated and are divorcing. The surgery/weight loss wasn't the cause but it was the catalyst. After months of agonizing and not sleeping over this decision I am now happier than I've felt in a long time. We had many obstacles in our marriage so much worse than this that divorce by comparison wasn't that difficult. But I had to save myself. And show my daughters that if you're life isn't making you happy, you change it and make your life happy.

My good friend went through something similar a couple of years ago after she had WLS. It was strange that the issues not related to health, self esteem, confidence or security were the ones that stayed on the surface after she lost her weight. But the truth of the subject is that there is a problem with divorce in the WLS community.

Many young ladies get married to the first man that sees past their weight and when the weight comes off the realization that the relationship was never healthy comes to light. Most women that lose the weight have husband that don't know how to handle the transformation and instead of working on themselves, they take their issues out on their wife.

[finediva 979]

I just want to say I enjoyed the rant! No advise or other comments. ..just enjoyed reading it....okay. ....i also laughed out loud.

[Elode 8,093]

@@twinmomC Men can be so insensitive. He may also be stressed and in a fowl mood due to the finances. It doesn't give him a green card to be rude to you. I say if you want that job you go and get that job. He will surly get over it and if he doesn't he can find another job. You need to make you own money if it will make you feel more secure. When you are less dependent on someone else you are better off IMO. I wouldn't pay him to much mind. And get the damn beef sticks, put that stuff up and don't feel guilty about I'm sure you do plenty for that family. I'm a smarta** though so if my husband said something like that to me I would start eating them right there in the store.

[Jefferyc79 103]

now that I'm loosing weight I have more self confidence and I feel more outgoing so I have asked if I can join him. Every time I ask he just says something like you hate social situations, or, if you come you're just going to be miserable and will want to leave early and make me leave before I want to

no matter what I say I can't get it through to him that I am different now that I've lost weight and feel better

This is not a good sign. Do you see the pattern or lies here? When he wanted to go eat at the Mexican place he LEFT you and went alone because he didn't like the fact that would you just eat Soup. Now, that you're interested in going to his groups he tells you that "you'll be miserable". I'm sorry but it's 100% insensitive to tell a woman how she feels. How does he know that you're going to miserable? From a man, I will tell you that's code for "I DONT WANT YOU TO COME" and if he doesn't want you to come that's a SUPER red flag. You need to go to one of these meetings to see what he is up too. I hope he's not doing anything about of pocket. But, I smell a rat! Good luck!

[twinmomC 12]

@@twinmomC Men can be so insensitive. He may also be stressed and in a fowl mood due to the finances. It doesn't give him a green card to be rude to you. I say if you want that job you go and get that job. He will surly get over it and if he doesn't he can find another job. You need to make you own money if it will make you feel more secure. When you are less dependent on someone else you are better off IMO. I wouldn't pay him to much mind. And get the damn beef sticks, put that stuff up and don't feel guilty about I'm sure you do plenty for that family. I'm a smarta** though so if my husband said something like that too me I would start eating them right there in the store.

Yea... We go round and round. This is NOT a pleasant place to work and his job is very stressful (and dangerous) to say the least. I'm probably not going to get hired, but still it's worth trying. It would be in an entirely different area- more clerical in nature. GET A JOB- just not at my place of employment that actually pays well just doesn't sit well with me. I seriously think he looks for stuff to come home and be a big jerk about. If it isn't obvious in the first 10 minutes, he'll find something to bitch about. I am not innocent mind you, but really since surgery 3 weeks ago, i have really cooled my jets and am trying to be the best me I can be to the kids and him. His attitude about my surgery changes from day to day. One day he's supportive, the next he's being an ass!! Thanks for listening.

[TammyDTM 391]

Ummhmm, what Jeffery said.

[snickysnack78 131]

_{I think for most of us, relationships do change with the weight loss. My situation isn't as bad ad others, but I have noticed that my relationship with my significant other has changed since I had surgery. He was super supportive of me having the surgery, and even went to the pre-op classes and knew what I was going to be doing for the rest of my life, but somehow it didn't stick into his head after I had surgery.}

_{From the first day after surgery, he was already getting upset with me because I didn't want to share his drink, or even share his dinner with him ( he likes to share). He doesn't eat the healthiest, so most of the stuff he wants to share he cant have. Once I was able to eat solid foods again ( about 6 weeks) he is constantly arguing with me because I don't want to share what he is eating and he doesn't get it through his head that I cant eat that.}

_{So after all of that, our relationship has changed. I am not the same person I was 6 months ago, and I am almost certain that he is insecure and is scared that I am going to leave him. I have lost a significant amount of weight, dressing nicer and stepping up my game, getting noticed in public, and going to the gym a lot more than I did. At first I kept telling him that I am with him, however I am slowly noticing that I am drifting myself way from him. I am not doing it on purpose, but I am doing things to better myself and he is doing nothing to showing that he wants to do better, except for complain that I am doing too much. I am going out more with friends and being active because he doesn't want to.}

_{I finally had to tell myself, after being told by him that I am done losing weight, ( yea right! I still have more to go), that I am doing this for myself and he wants to go on this ride with me he can, and if not that is okay too. I kind of expected this to happen and if we stay together or not, I can say that I at least put an effort and am not upset if I lose him or not.}

[drmeow 323]

<<

You should call your insurance company - I was under the impression that there is a mandatory coverage for up to 5 sessions per individual with a psychologist. I was told mine covered 10 visits. I think there was a co-pay of $25 per visit - you might only need 1. But my pre-op class mandated visits.

Individual counseling, though, can be very helpful in helping you decide what to do about a marriage to someone who does not support you. There are likely other things that have been ignored throughout the marriage that will be uncovered as you lose weight.>>

Insurance is mandated to cover psychologic counseling for things like depression, and to be sure you're OK for WLS, but not marriage counseling. I think the OP was saying she couldn't afford marriage counseling.

Edited October 9, 2015 by drmeow

[Sophie74656 1,572]

This is not a good sign. Do you see the pattern or lies here? When he wanted to go eat at the Mexican place he LEFT you and went alone because he didn't like the fact that would you just eat Soup. Now, that you're interested in going to his groups he tells you that "you'll be miserable". I'm sorry but it's 100% insensitive to tell a woman how she feels. How does he know that you're going to miserable? From a man, I will tell you that's code for "I DONT WANT YOU TO COME" and if he doesn't want you to come that's a SUPER red flag. You need to go to one of these meetings to see what he is up too. I hope he's not doing anything about of pocket. But, I smell a rat! Good luck!

now that I'm loosing weight I have more self confidence and I feel more outgoing so I have asked if I can join him. Every time I ask he just says something like you hate social situations, or, if you come you're just going to be miserable and will want to leave early and make me leave before I want to

no matter what I say I can't get it through to him that I am different now that I've lost weight and feel better

he went to the restaurant with a friend of his. When I asked why he went without me his typical answer is "you can't eat anything anyway" and I've told him about a million times that I can eat small portions or a cup of Soup or something like that.

[kvoneye 210]

Wow, I can relate to everyone. My first husband never complimented me when I lost weight, but when I put it back on he sure noticed. My now husband is my biggest enabler. I've told and asked him to help hold me accountable. What does he do, if I want pizza he says "ok" and orders it. I just smh and tell him "I can't eat that or you know I can't have that" men! Lol.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

So after a long talk I think things might be looking up.

He invited me to join him and his friends for dinner the other day and when he mentioned another event coming up asked me if I wanted to join him.

He also mentioned that he wants to see a psychologist. not for marriage counseling but for his own issues which I think would be a very good idea for him. I hope that will help him and therefore help US

[katesuccess 990]

YAY! That's great news.

I found my hubby and I doing a bit of drifting as I lost weight and he actually started gaining. I figured it was depressing to see me do so well when he wasn't losing at all. Plus that whole go-to-the-gym thing when he never wants to go with me. He was seeming all depressed and forlorn about it, until last month when he got defensive about not wanting to work on his health; I said, "You will do that in your own time. You didn't harass me or judge me or give up on our marriage for the last 30 years because I was so overweight, I'm not about to do that to you! I love you and am with you."

If we didn't have a good marriage to start with though, that conversation would have gone MUCH differently! He's been a great supporter, cheerleader, proud-hubby, and never ever tried to push food on me or act like surgery was 'cheating' or anything. And while the compliments are fewer now (I'm not actively losing right now) he does say so when I look nice.

I truly hope your guy's behavior means a turnaround for him, and that you two have some fun going out together!

[newmebithebypass 713]

My husband is a rock star and even though he really needs the surgery more than I do but won't get it he's super supportive of me getting it. He's been helping me buy my Protein Powder and go to my appointment and making sure we don't eat crap food any more