Husband rant

[TammyDTM 391]

Congratulations on your weight loss!

Buy that man a clothes hamper and tell him to wash his own clothes!

[OKCPirate 5,323]

There may be several causes of this case of HMS...(helpless male syndrome)

1) He is just an insensitive guy (as seen in t-shirt story)

2) He just may need to be taught to give vocal encouragement, which may or may not be important enough for you to coach him through

3) Or the power dynamic of the relationship shifted because when you were heavier, you were less likely to leave and he may not be able to face that reality

Intersting article on this: http://www.thestar.com/life/health_wellness/2014/09/20/how_losing_weight_can_be_hard_on_a_marriage.html

But this is why I always felt that doing the work in the Barbaric Emotional First Aid Kit http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-First-Aid-Kit-Practical/dp/0976852659/ref=sr_1_13?ie=UTF8&qid=1436729032&sr=8-13&keywords=bariatric+book%C2'> be done before the surgery. They are many aspects of relationships which can be really altered. But remember, ultimately you made this decision for your long term health. As to your emotional health...decision time looms.

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

Husband rant

@@Sophie74656

everyone is giving good comments/ advice

can't add anything else

on the "lighter" side

my husband is very smart

after all he married me

on the "serious" side

yesterday tom didn't throw his dirty socks in the hamper!!

people have been shot for less!!!

ok, back to your originally scheduled program

kathy

[rebeccaburlinparrsih69 14]

Sophie,

some men are this way, was her like this before surgery. Instead of getting yourself upset ponder this.

you are looking nicer, you are losing weight, getting attention. He may of wanted you the way you were. Now stop looking at him getting upset and start thinking of how to make your relationship happier. Unfortunately many of these surgeries can lead to lifestyle changes in both spouses and many times if you do not be careful it can lead to divorce. If you love your husband talk to him, show him a pic of you before and plan a date night.

Rebecca

[Sophie74656 1,572]

in regards to the laundry...I really don't mind doing it. I'm not working right now and don't have much to do during the day anyway.

i think a part of the probem right now is that my husband is very social and outgoing and I'm an introvert, partly because Ive been embarased of how I look. He recently joined a few groups and after work has been going there. So he comes home and goes right to bed. So my theory is that all of his fun and good moods get used up in these groups and by the time he gets home to me all he has left is snark and anger.

also when he is home in the evening all he does is text the people he sees in these groups every other night

Edited October 5, 2015 by Sophie74656

[gowalking 10,790]

in regards to the laundry...I really don't mind doing it. I'm not working right now and don't have much to do during the day anyway.

i think a part of the probem right now is that my husband is very social and outgoing and I'm an introvert, partly because Ive been embarased of how I look. He recently joined a few groups and after work has been going there. So he comes home and goes right to bed. So my theory is that all of his fun and good moods get used up in these groups and by the time he gets home to me all he has left is snark and anger.

also when he is home in the evening all he does is text the people he sees in these groups every other night

Even if you don't want to, pretend you are interested and start going to these groups. If you don't, he'll find someone who will enjoy them with him. Even better..you'll go and find that you actually do enjoy these social outings. That can help you both tremendously.

[TammyDTM 391]

@@Sophie74656

I'm sorry, but I see some red flags in your post. You are excusing his behavior towards you.

You may want to check out these groups and get in on the "fun."

in regards to the laundry...I really don't mind doing it. I'm not working right now and don't have much to do during the day anyway.

i think a part of the probem right now is that my husband is very social and outgoing and I'm an introvert, partly because Ive been embarased of how I look. He recently joined a few groups and after work has been going there. So he comes home and goes right to bed. So my theory is that all of his fun and good moods get used up in these groups and by the time he gets home to me all he has left is snark and anger.

also when he is home in the evening all he does is text the people he sees in these groups every other night

This is the post I was referring to.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

now that I'm loosing weight I have more self confidence and I feel more outgoing so I have asked if I can join him. Every time I ask he just says something like you hate social situations, or, if you come you're just going to be miserable and will want to leave early and make me leave before I want to

no matter what I say I can't get it through to him that I am different now that I've lost weight and feel better

[nilamji 22]

Funny, my girlfriend and I were talking about husbands today. We decided marriage should be similar to cell phone contracts! You have a husband for 2 years. At that time you can decide to upgrade to a newer model or keep the one you have. But after the 2 years, you can upgrade at any time. ????

[katesuccess 990]

now that I'm loosing weight I have more self confidence and I feel more outgoing so I have asked if I can join him. Every time I ask he just says something like you hate social situations, or, if you come you're just going to be miserable and will want to leave early and make me leave before I want to

no matter what I say I can't get it through to him that I am different now that I've lost weight and feel better

So sorry you're going through the angst of dealing with this! I really think you've gotten lots of good input and ideas, and a plethora of ways to try to make things healthier between you two. I hope they help. Sadly, it's not very encouraging that he fills his time with things that exclude you, and then turn you away when you try to join in. Talking is definitely called for, though he sounds like he might not be super-receptive.

In marriage it absolutely takes two of you to do that work. I do a lot of marriage counseling (part of my profession), and sometimes (maybe not you, and I'm not saying it is!) but sometimes I've had to say that I can help them (or one of them if the other is refusing to work on things) to have a healthy separation or dissolution, but that without both on board working on the marriage, it isn't going to get any better. And it's okay to ask yourself if this is really how you want to live.

People do change, you just can't make them change. I hope things go better soon--and that you enjoy those friends who DO cheer you on! Good job on all you're accomplishing!!

[twinmomC 12]

Just reading this. I can relate. I'm 22 days out. I've been a stay at home mom for 13 years. I've worked some on the side to contribute and went part-time, but completed my Associate Degree in May. I've been "looking" for employment, but prior to the surgery is was iffy- "I really want this job, but I need X amount of time off because I am having surgery, OK?". Now I'm feeling somewhat better, but finding and staying in work clothes that fit will prove quite a challenge at this point. In fact, I wore a suit to an interview recently and could barely keep my britches up. Anyway... back to husband. I went to bed at 8 tonight because I was just so sad and upset. Money is tight. I go to grocery store and buy he and the kids as much as I can and pick up a couple things that I think I can eat.... turkey snack sticks. He's immediately all over me about my "special snacks" and whatever else. Never have I said no-one else can eat them, except I've asked them to leave the SF stuff alone for me- obviously. I come across a job in postings tonight that is in a round about way related to my husband's and he says- "you'll never get it, they just post that as a formality". I say sure, probably right, but maybe I should take the tests and whatever and get on a list anyway as it's a good paying job and if not this time, maybe something else will come up. He says, "I don't want to work with you." I wouldn't be working "with him", but more or less at the same facility in a different location. Wow!! Real moral booster. In a huge rush this evening to get everyone where they needed to be and fed. They had pizza and salad. I think I'm doing well, I'll scrape the toppings off a piece and have a little lettuce with dressing. OH NO I DIDN'T. Severe chest pain and right back up it came. Hubby has been REALLY insensitive to anything pertaining to me, my struggles, pains and insecurities. He knew what was coming and agreed to be my "support" person. ( I have NO family left aside from my husband and three kiddos.) People say I lost X amount of weight when I left him, etc, but I have NO-ONE in this world, but him. I woke up a few hours later, had a good cry and here I am. I've had a run in with him bringing home all kinds of bad food from his folks (pasties, sweets, etc) and its been tough. I've asked that if he and the kids want to have Desserts and such they just go and do it, I don't need or want to know. He's turned it all around now and everything is my fault, this was my choice, and he's just been mean. I would be heartbroken if he went out to eat without me too, Sophie. I'm wondering if my skin is just thinner now or I'm seeing things clearer since I'm feeling more vunerable and less like fighting? I feel like in the last three weeks, his promise to be supportive has been anything but and really just the opposite. Sorry for the ramble, but I'm there with ya... I don't even want to argue... just cry.

[Tssiemer1 549]

now that I'm loosing weight I have more self confidence and I feel more outgoing so I have asked if I can join him. Every time I ask he just says something like you hate social situations, or, if you come you're just going to be miserable and will want to leave early and make me leave before I want to

no matter what I say I can't get it through to him that I am different now that I've lost weight and feel better

That is SO my husband. That's why I wasn't invited to his family thing the day before my birthday!

[Ashlegal 525]

I feel really sad for those of you without the support you need. Husbands (or partners in general) should be our "rock" and the same is expected from us.

Over the course of mine and my husband's relationship we have had our share of extreme ups and downs. Major surgeries, life changing financial situations, unexpected deaths and everyday stresses. Every time we have hit a bump (big or small) we have grown closer and our love has grown stronger.

From my first Protein shake pre-op to present day, my husband has been nothing but encouraging, loving, flattering and empathetic. He did once eat my favorite pizza, wings and bread sticks and left a mess for me to clean up but he doesn't let a day go by without a hug letting me know it is all going to be okay or a sneak up from behind with a whisper in my ear "you are looking so good babe." I can't fathom anything less from the man I married. The man fathering my child. The man I have always been there for or the man that vowed to always be there for me.

My best advice is to always take care of you (and of course your children) and focus on being the best version of yourself. You can't change anyone to be what your need them to be and you have to let go of trying. Expecting people to behave the way you think they should will only lead to disappointment.

[TammyDTM 391]

Don't ask "can I go?" girl, get dolled up and be ready to walk out the door with him! You hang out as long as he hangs out!

[MountianGirl 109]

I was unprepared for the mental changes I experienced after surgery. My husband couldn't have been more supportive of my decision or my recovery. But we had problems/issues long before I had surgery. Once the weight was mostly off those issues were exposed on the surface of my soul. It was difficult to say the least. We went to counseling but neither of us put much effort into it. In the end, we separated and are divorcing. The surgery/weight loss wasn't the cause but it was the catalyst. After months of agonizing and not sleeping over this decision I am now happier than I've felt in a long time. We had many obstacles in our marriage so much worse than this that divorce by comparison wasn't that difficult. But I had to save myself. And show my daughters that if you're life isn't making you happy, you change it and make your life happy.