Can men and women stay friends?

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

Did you ever see the movie "When Harry Met Sally" In the beginning of the movie he says men and women can't stay friends, because they will always end up in bed.

I have this guy friend who wants to be more than friends. I just see nothing but red flags with him as far as relationship material. As far as a friend goes, I value his friendship and hate to lose it.

He told me the other night that by us staying friends, I am just teasing him. I asked him if wanted to stop hanging out, and he said no. I've gotten to the point now though that I've realized I can't be alone because he will always start with the touchy-feely stuff and start asking me why I won't at least

'"give us a try" Things are fine if we are out with a group of friends. We have friends in common.

To complicate things, he is my go to person for problems (which come up often) with my rental or my house. He will fix things on my rental much cheaper than anyone. The other handymen or contractors will charge almost triple what he will charge me. Right now there's a problem with the roof, and I really can't afford anyone else.

I don't understand how things changed for him. He's always come to me for dating advice in the past before he talks things over when he's having a problem with the person he's seeing. I want to keep this friendship but it's getting harder all the time.

[pr_pitbullgrl 1,039]

has he been your friend since you were heavy?

[Cervidae 2,389]

If you say no and he continues to be touchy feely, you need to smack that down now. By continuing that behavior after you've told him to stop, he's showing you he has no respect for you and has no problem pushing intimacy on you without your permission. If he's truly your friend, he will listen to you when you tell him to knock it off OR ELSE.

[Bufflehead 6,358]

Frankly he sounds like a total creep. I'd rather put tarps up on my roof and investigate financing the roof replacement than spend any more time with him. What he is doing is not okay and he is not respecting you.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I have male friends who have no intimacy interests or expectations so I do think it is possible. Doesn't sound like he is really interested in that and to some extent taking advantage of the situation to push his own agenda. When he asks you why you don't give it a try...what specifically is he suggesting?

[Pillar2butterfly 391]

You've set your boundaries, and he is ignoring them. No means no...regardless of what it is. Honestly, if he cannot handle only being friends with you, then you need to distance yourself from him. I understanding losing a male friend like this...its hard, but it is also hard loving and caring for someone that doesn't feel that way back...if he can't handle it, then you need to cut the friendship string...until he can handle it. A friend respects you at all times.

[BarrySue 602]

A woman is not a machine you put friendship tokens into until she decides he has paid enough to deserve sex. A nice guy whose friendship is conditional on you returning his affection IS NOT A NICE GUY. And to be honest, you're taking advantage of the situation by paying him a fraction of what a contractor would use for repairs. It's unhealthy from all sides.

Cut him lose.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

The answer to your title questions is "YES*." But the * is for emotionally healthy people. I have some former lovers that are very good, dear friends. I also have some that I will never speak to again (and I am very sure the feeling is mutual). I had lunch with a lady the other day that I really liked and had hoped she was "the one" that I saw too many red flags. I never made it personal nor one sided, but I think the red flags were too big to ignore. I didn't completely close the door, but I let her know my boundaries and why I needed to pull back. So I think it is possible for adults to have these conversations.

Now, I have had the other extreme where the other party is not willing to discuss, but instead engage in personal attacks and make threats.

At this point in my life I'm just not willing to play games, I prefer honest dealings with people and if they are emotionally unstable, well that's not my fault, nor is it anything I can do anything about.

Just my $.02

[toasty 371]

Like @@OKCPirate, I think that it is possible to have female friends, so long as there are no romantic entanglements. But as soon as one or the other party starts having those feelings, strict friendship is very very difficult. The person with the romatic feelings ends up feeling upset that the other person doesn't feel the same way, which is magnified by the facts that they are constantly in contact and they have a close relationship already (friendship).

Unfortunately, I think in your case I would at least suspend your friendship for a while, at least until he has another love interest, if not permanently. I realize he is an inexpensive handyman for you, but probably one of the reasons he is so inexpensive is his interest in you. To keep him on in this situation would be essentially taking advantage of his feelings for you, and if he gets upset in the situation he may decide to walk or do substandard work in the middle of stuff.

Like any relationship, friendships can go sour really fast, and very good friends can suddenly become very bitter. The closer the friendship, the more hurt and resentful the friends can become. This can become a powder keg, and you need to end it very quickly and carefully, being sensitive to his feelings but not giving in to them.

[ThreeFifty 166]

I would say do him and yourself a favor and cut all ties, don't hang out, don't chat, don't ask for help, don't give him any reason to think that there is any hope.

I don't think it has anything to do with people being stable or not. its more situational than that. In general, Id say no. there are some situations where it can work. a childhood friend, a coworker, a neighbor, there are situational examples, most of the time the bringing together is because of an outside source....Not a guy/girl you met at a party. other than that, the only way it works is if there is no romantic interest on either parts.

even still, if there is no interest by either person, and it doesn't fall under those "certain situation" ...chances are you will not have a friendship beyond the occasional "hi" when you happen to see each other.

I always say things are one way or another based on how one person feels. If you aren't interested, you may think he's creepy but if you are interested you may think he's sweet. Usually in situations like this and why my answer to your original question is usually no....both people get things or want things out of the "Friendship"

What I usually see in these situations is that the person that doesn't have the Romanic interest wants to have a "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship without romance. dating, hanging out, talking but no romance. that's ok if both are on the same page but usually the other person wants romance

one person may not be interested in a Romantic relationship, but that person likes the conversation or help or the person to lean on when they are lonely or need a companion to go see movies, or dinner etc.

the other person may have a romantic interest and want to be with the person in a relationship form.

it works briefly because both are thinking the person will swing to their side. but both are in the wrong (and being a little selfish).

the person that just want companionship is and trying to get that... when that person knows the other person wants romance is no more right than the person that wants romance knowing the other person doesn't. both are wrong. both know what the other person wants and both are ignoring and trying to get whey they want.

you have to stop everything. he probably should've already stopped everything on his own but maybe he keeps thinking there is a shot or thinks he will win you over. it takes some experience to know. sometimes you can win people over it does happen.

[4MRB4PHOTO 3,900]

"....but it's getting harder all the time..."

That's the source of his problem.

Edited September 30, 2015 by 4MRB4PHOTO

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I have hundreds of men friends about whom I have zero romantic feelings and, I'm sure, they don't have any romantic feelings for me.

This has been true for me when I've been happily married and when I've been single.

Of course, women and men can be friends. And co-workers. And enemies. And confidantes. And pretty much anything else.

I will admit, however, that there are some creepy men and some creepy women with whom I would have a tough time being friends. The trick is not to be friends with creeps of either gender.

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

Yeah, I haven't heard from him at all this week, and I have no intention of contacting him. I gave him all the reasons why we would not work as a couple the last time I saw him. I also told him it was pretty obvious that we couldn't even be friends anymore, since he takes that as "me teasing" him.

It's too bad because we worked as just friends fro a long time.

He didn't know me when I was heavy. He knows I've had surgery, but it's been 9 years since I first got my lap bad and I've only known him a couple of years.

[mark1733 224]

Short answer is yes.

[Ashlegal 525]

In your particular situation, no. He wants something different than you do and thus you cannot remain "close" friends. You can spend time with each other in large groups, in social outings, with more than each other but ultimately if you continue to spend one on one time with him, the relationship will implode.

If you value his friendship, you will take the necessary steps to put some space between the two of you. Allowing a cushion between feelings to be built. Maybe once he sees things from outside of where he is currently standing, he will get a better understanding of your feelings. He may even see things from your POV.