Best Friend... Not so much

[kranky813 477]

So I have a very close friend who has never really supported my surgery decision. My therapist warned me about friends who would be jealous of the weight loss and the success I would see but I really don't understand her. She is 5'7, 130 pounds, long blond hair, smokin body and implants

She always has something negative to say about surgery. She tells me all of these stories about people she knows who gained all the weight back or had complications or what ever.

She is honestly my best friend and I finally broke tonight and told her that she doesn't have to agree with my decision but as my friend she has to support me.

Why is she doing this? Why is she being so snarky or negative? Has this happened with other people? I am finding myself distancing myself from her more and more because of her negativity. I haven't told a lot of people about my surgery but she is suppose to be my friend. I am 5 weeks out from surgery and she couldn't even support me during the hardest part but then got mad when my hubby didn't tell her I was re-hospitalized for dehydration the week after surgery. what gives?

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I don't know but, it sounds to me like she isn't a very good friend. Apparently, she seems to think your decision about your health is about her.

You might need to set some boundaries put some distance between you for now. If she can't give you the kind of support you need, then she will just drain your energy.

You have a perfect right and obligation to take care of yourself.

[jane13 2,256]

@@kranky813 - green eyed monster...IMHO. she will either grow up or still be snarky and jealous of the attention you are getting.

[Daisee68 2,493]

​Same thing here. And honestly I knew before I told her what she would say. The thing is, as someone who has never struggled with her weight, I think she just flat doesn't get it. It just makes no sense at all to her. Maybe that is the same with your friend? Or maybe you always spent time with her over a meal or drinks? I know I did previously and we are really having to adjust to spend time together not over a meal or at least over a healthy meal. Hopefully she will come around. Very good for you for standing up for yourself and your relationship and telling her she has to support you. Maybe that will sink in and things will get better....

[Elode 8,093]

Well I can see how YOUR decisions about YOUR life could really be a hard decision for her, it must be a real burden for her to have to make that decision, go through the process, the surgery, recovery, learn a new lifestyle, deal with being re-hospitalized...ect. How dare you inconvenience her life in such a dramatic way! You should be ashamed of yourself for making a hard life long decision like that!!! You would almost think it was YOUR own life you were living for?! Crazy!! I think you should call her up and insist she not pay that hospital bill!!! In the meantime you focus on yourself, if she's a real friend she will see that none of the above is really any of her actual business so she doesn't need to put her snaky two cents in. She just needs to take a step back into friend zone, your grown and they operated on your stomach not your brain. You still have that to make your own life decisions with.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I think some people are scared for you and it comes out the wrong way. They can't verbalize their fears of losing a friend.

[Sojourner 2,446]

When to comes to other people, including those we regard as friends, having an expectation that someone " has to support you" with a decision you make is not being realistic.

If you have never taken the first steps on a WLS journey, your friend likely has no accurate understanding of what changing your life style means. Give her an opportunity to understand as time passes. Another poster suggested healthier boundaries...that seems like a good choice.

When it comes to success with a journey towards better health, I always keep in mind the old mantra from Weight Watchers.."If it is to be, than it is up to me."

Best wishes for a successful journey...

[jhclikesshopping@gmail.com 285]

This has been a struggle for me too. I have two close friends who have gotten closer during my experience and I have one friend who has distanced herself. I am totally amazed at how they are responding.

Regarding my friend who was no supporting me, I finally had a discussion with her asking why. She confided, she thought I was cheating - surgery was the "easy" way out. I must admit - I sorta lost it..... I then explained how hard dealing with food has become after surgery. My relationship with food is different and I cannot believe how she was not being a friend for me. Now that I have been looking at it for the past 2 months, I personally think she is sad because I cannot be her "eating" buddy anymore. In other words - I made her feel good about her food choices because of mine and now I do not provide that for her.

I had to say goodbye to over 7 years of friendship. I am truly sad but I am also confident it is the right thing for me to do.

I wish you luck - this is really hard... we know.

[MrsKarenC2008 622]

@kranky813 I have to say ... I had a friend like this .... HAD being key word here ... She was thin and pretty and bubbly personality ... the total package .... I was the fat friend ... the one who was sweet enough, but everyone looked past me to see her ... Then when good things like my surgery started happening to me ... the weight was coming off ... and people started noticing ME instead of her ... that is when she turned on me ... She didn't like having competition .... I am starting to NOT be the fat friend anymore ... and she cant handle it ...

Sounds like your so-called friend is acting the same ... A fool.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

@kranky813 I have to say ... I had a friend like this .... HAD being key word here ... She was thin and pretty and bubbly personality ... the total package .... I was the fat friend ... the one who was sweet enough, but everyone looked past me to see her ... Then when good things like my surgery started happening to me ... the weight was coming off ... and people started noticing ME instead of her ... that is when she turned on me ... She didn't like having competition .... I am starting to NOT be the fat friend anymore ... and she cant handle it ...

Sounds like your so-called friend is acting the same ... A fool.

I'm going with this theory, too.

It's a true "type" of woman. The kind who has to be the drum majorette and lead the band into every bar in town. Everyone else behind her is just there to be her backup group and make her look good.

Honey, you're no longer going to be her fat friend.

[kranky813 477]

Thanks everyone! You all have actually shed a lot of light on the subject. Things I never really thought of before. I do have to admit that for the first few weeks after surgery I was really focused on me. Getting me better, learning this new lifestyle.

I think (I can only assume) her biggest problem is that I am not going to be her weekend drinking buddy. My hubby and I go out to her house every weekend and have some beer, grill some tasty food and sit around the bonfire. I have completely changed in the past 6 weeks. I don't drink, can't eat those fatty burgers and brats and am so FREEZING lol. She may be mourning the loss of that. But that doesn't mean I haven't been a friend to her. I still go out to her house for bonfires. I bring my Water bottle and food that I can eat. Maybe it is that I am her "fat friend" and she is nervous that when I lose the weight people won't notice her as much. Who knows.

What I do know is that she sent me a text last night saying she needed "a break" from our friendship. I just responded with "ok" At this point I think I have lost my friend. But when I think about all of the negative things she has said and done over the past few months I really am "ok" with her taking her break. I am an AWESOME friend and honestly, it's her loss I'm glad my surgery make us both losers.. at least mine improves my life

PS. 200lbs today.. karma wanted me to wait one more day to hit ONEderland, hahaha

[MrsKarenC2008 622]

@kranky813 GOOD FOR YOU !!!!!! Way to stand up and be heard and be counted ... You shouldn't mourn that loss ... could be she wasn't truly a friend after all ...

Congrats on hitting a WL goal ! I'm not far behind you!

[MIMISAN 404]

It's hard to say what people are really thinking and feeling and usually they don't even know, but I think many things are involved. Many people know that when your life style changes that will affect them too. You will no longer be willing to go out to eat at the drop of a hat, you will no longer be the fat friend that makes them feel hotter, you will no longer always be available to their whims because as you get more fit and healthy you will have a life of your own. If they are heavy too but can't have surgery they may just want you to stay hefty because it gives them company.

The truth is that the cream always comes to the top so when you and your friends start shifting you will find yourself with the people that really like you for you.

PS... I think it is hard sometimes to be friends with someone that has just lost a lot of weight or in some way drastically improved their looks because suddenly they are a swan and so excited about it that they become all about them and drive you nuts for a while. I hope that isn't me.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

LOL!

"I need a break from our friendship."

What a ridiculous thing to say.

I don't think you lost a darned thing.

[wildcat74 44]

So far, my negative reaction has come from my family. One sister still won't speak to me, another will, but changes the subject real fast, and my mom is still sure I'm going to die soon. I haven't been back to work yet, I took 3 weeks off and have one more wonderful week. Don't wanna go back, but hey, gotta pay the bills, right? lol It's sad that people can't be happy for you and just let it be that way. I've told my mom several times everything fell into place for the surgery, great doctor, hospital, got time off, but she still calls, scared to pieces something will go wrong. You can't change the way people react. But you can do the best you can in your power for YOU, and give the rest to God. Let Him sort it out.