Why don't I want them to see me?

[Alexandra 55]

This afternoon we're going to a party for a friend we don't see much. (Hell, we don't see ANYONE much anymore; you know what life is like with kids.)

The last time I saw this particular circle of people was probably in the summer of '03, when we went swimming at their lake club a couple of times. No one in this crowd is close enough to know about my banding, but they are close enough to remember what I used to look like.

It feels like I should be excited and proud and happy to be seen, but I'm not. What's wrong with me? I can't even decide which would be worse, them asking about my weight loss or them not asking. Rather than a win-win situation, it feels like lose-lose. Blech.

And the weird thing is that this feeling is coming on a day when I had an amazing NSV. Doing the laundry today I was moved to try on my husband's jeans. THEY FIT!!! I'd definitely even consider wearing them if I needed to. Holy crap!

[Penni60 45]

Alex: It all stems from our old way of thinking that we use other peoples opinion of us to validate or show our worth. STOP THAT THINKING!!!!! You are an awesome person and giving and a GREAT MOTHER. None of us NEED anyone to validate our self worth. We see it everyday in our children, our works, our values, our actions. IT is not GIVEN to us by other's opinions or perception of us. So go see these friends and put a HUGE smile on your face dress up and put on your best outfit and be the self-confident person I know you are. It is all in the attitude darlin. Ain't that right Lisa??

[lauri 0]

I'll be thinking about you. You need to hold your head up high and smile. Be proud of yourself! We all are!! Just know that if they don't say anything it could be that they don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. My sister in law had a gastric bypass. She lost about 70 or so pounds from the last time that I had seen her. I knew before I saw her that she had lost the weight but I wasn't sure what to say or how to say it. I didn't know if she knew that I knew about the surgery. My mother in law had let it slip when talking to my husband one day. She looked great but I never had been one to care much about someones weight! I was happy for her because I knew she must feel alot better physically and mentally. I finally (the next day) was able to say something when she asked me what size I was wearing. She said she had a dress that was made much like the one I was wearing and thought it would fit me. She said that she had bought it without trying it on -after she had lost some weight. (she brought it up-I was sooo relieved) They were too short on her. She is quite a bit taller than me. That was when I casually said," You look great. I wish I could lose some weight." She then told me she had had the surgery. It was nice to have it all out. We were able to talk about it and that was when I deceided to look into weight loss surgery myself.

Anyways-go and have a good time! It really doesn't matter that you had surgery to lose weight the important thing is that you look and FEEL great and that you are loved! You go girl!!!

[New Hope 37]

Alex, I understand! My DH's company just had their annual party 3 weeks ago. I hadn't seen these people in a year. I looked for weeks to find something to wear. I was almost sick at my stomach by the time we got there. But it really went well. DH's old boss is the only one who said, "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight!" But he's a real sweetie, so it was a compliment coming from him. My DH talks about our bike rides, so I guess they think that's how I'm losing. Still a closet bandster here. Their Christmas party is next month. I'll see others I haven't seen in a year, but I won't be so scared this time. Sending you (((hugs))) and a little boost of courage!

[claraluz 2]

Alex, only you can know, of course, why you feel the way you do. Maybe after the party it would be good to do a little journaling to see if you can put your finger on it. I just know that we have so many intense feelings bound up with our obesity and also with our weight loss. Maybe you just don't want to share any of it with people you don't know that well. Go, have a good time, and be your fabulous self! Oh, and congrats on getting into your husband's jeans (in the size-wise sense !

Nancy

[samy_love 0]

wow alex you look so fabulous woooooow

[lapbander081004 7]

Alex,

Go out and take the world...Its yours now.

You didn't do what you did for compliments but for your family and yourself. The compliments just happend to be good side effect. Just tell people exactly what you did and only tell them how you did it if you want. I tell everyone that ask how I did it but only after telling them That "I took my life back and NOW I AM in control not food, habits or anyone else".

If people don't ask or compliment you don't worry they noticed.

Never worry about what others think about you. You know you deserve a good life with family and friends and be proud of your accomlishments like we are of you.

Hmmmm Wish I could get into my wife's jeans LOL

[blossom 2]

Alex, your gonna do great! Just remember that you only have to tell them as much as you want them to know. Even if they don't say anything, you know they're gonna be thinking, Wow she has done an awesome job. Bet that was hard to do, she must have some willpower!!!

[La_madam 20]

Alex I think alot of us who have been obese most of our lives get into ruts where we stay close to home and do not want to be seen..I know for me it is true. We have a perception of ourselves even when we have lost the weight. I was just saying today to a customer of mine who commented on how good I look with the weight loss that alot of overweight people still see themselves as being overwieght regardless of what the scale says. I look in the mirror and see NO difference even though I have lost 62 lbs..It is strange how we percieve ourselves sometimes..but you need to go today and hold your head up high and be proud of the job you have done, you owe these people no explanation if you do not want to..If they ask I'm sure you will come up with an answer that you are comfortable with. GO HAVE FUN>>BE PROUD!!!

[Alexandra 55]

Well, I'm back. There were three women I knew at the party, and all three of them expressed a good deal of amazement at how I looked. Thankfully, none of them came right out and asked how I did it, so I didn't have to deal with that question. Two of them, though, did make a comparison to themselves and how much weight they're steadily gaining as time goes on.

I've been thinking about why comments about my weight are not welcome, and I figured out it's because they feel to me like attacks. Of course they're not, but in an otherwise-successful life my weight has always been my one vulnerability; having it addressed directly by anyone has always felt like a body blow. Even compliments seem to belong in that category, still.

Oh, well. Another 20 years of talking about myself in support group meetings and maybe I'll be able to handle attention with more aplomb.

[momhappe1 0]

I am so glad. I am a closet bandster. I told everyone at work that I was having surgery for something else. I figured that the weight lose would be slow enough that they would not think too much about it with me on a "diet". I am not embarred that I did this, I just really did not want to hear about everyone opion on it and have to explain myself. My family knows and so far that is it. I am sure after I travel with some of them and we have meals together they will "think" I did something. I work in a large office and man do people love to talk.

I am glad that no one asked you how you did it and put you on the spot. You have done so great. I remember your photo when this site first went up. I remember when you went in for surgery. I am so proud of you and I feel that it is no one's business how we have done this.

Frankly, we did this for ourselves and our kids. Not for the rest of the world.

Congrats!!!!

[whippledaddy 5]

The afternoon is over, and it sounds as if it went well. So probably you're better off without my advice. But here it is, late, but maybe it'll give someone a chuckle.

If you want to keep how you lost weight close to your chest, then do what I would do in the same case. Lie. That's right, lie and make it so outrageous that they won't know if you're telling the truth or having them on. Something like this:

"Oh yes, I've done quite well on those new chocolate suppositories. Pop one in every morning and you don't crave sweets any longer. Too bad they're only available over the internet from a Swiss company."

I can't be a closet bandster, I wear my heart on my sleeve (in case no one could tell), but I hope it will have a good outcome. Maybe I'll save a life. Maybe if I can be successful and open about it someone else will be inspired to help themselves to a better life.

Though, I"ve had a couple incidents where I wished I had just not told anyone! lol.

Well Alexandra, congratulations on a good day. I suspect this day meant far more than you were willing to tell. Even to yourself. Enjoy your victory.

[Zoe 6]

Alex, I'm so glad you wrote what happened at the party! I started reading this thread wondering if the afternoon would go well. I'm delighted, and relieved, that it did.

I don't know about you, but I am sick to death of having my weight be such a big focus in my life. Whether miserable while gaining or elated to lose, sometimes it all feels the same: Enough about the fat already, when can I stop obsessing? I suppose my LapBandTalk addiction is just another manifestation of this. Then I remember: oh, yeah, I'm an American woman, and almost all American women of all sizes are bizarrely focused on weight. (In an unfortunate side effect of gender equality, plenty of men have this obsession too.)

First this preoccupation is forced on us by others who draw often cruel attention to our size. Then we seize it as our own and come up with excruciating ways to torture ourselves without additional help from the outside.

Sorry, I'm starting to rant and ramble. But your story touched a nerve!

[babsyintx 0]

Hi Alex,

COngratulations on the NSV!!!! Regarding other folks and what they notice or dont notice, I think it comes from years of being invisible. Many obese people dont like attention. When they get it, they cant handle compliments when they are doled out. I am trying to learn how to say "Thank you" when someone notices me and also trying not to get upset when people dont. Its hard to do because as individuals we care what people think even when we tell ourselves we dont. So hows that for words of wisdom? Didnt help much did I?

Babs in TX

334/192/170

-142

6/23/03