Admission of Failure

[tam_mandala 33]

When I first started telling my close friend that I was considering surgery, I had a moment when I realized that getting surgery is, in some ways, and admission of failure. That I've failed every diet that in have tried. That I have failed.in my ability to control.my eating on my own. That I have failed my attempts at weight loss thru fitness... it was a hard pill to swallow.

But, it was the truth for me. And once I accepted that and stopped running from that reality, it has become easier to tell people that surgery is actually something I am DOING, not simply THINKING about. That I can't lose weight on my own, and I do need help to get there.

It doesn't mean that I am unworthy, or that I am a failure. It means that I am honest and real with myself.

[AvaFern 3,516]

I'm ok with feeling like a diet failure, although calling the surgery a failure tends to encourage strong responses from people. Ultimately though, if the end goal is to be thin, and surgery is what gets you there, are you really a failure? If you start off in life and you want to be a doctor but you can't get past the MCAT, so you take the LSAT instead and you end up being a super successful attorney, are you really a failure just because one means to get to an end goal didn't work out for you? I think you are a failure when you quit, not when you find a different way to accomplish your goals.

[tam_mandala 33]

I get that it will get strong reaction, but it is the truth. For me. I don't think the surgery is a failure but turning to it does make me have to come to terms with why I couldn't lose the weight and keep it off "on my own". And it also makes me stop beating myself up, and feeling like a complete and utter failure in general and every other aspect of my life. My food issues are real and deep, and I have ignored them and I am really having to face those as I prepare for surgery.

[_Kate_ 2,224]

It takes such strength to have WLS and to live the life you need to keep the weight off.

You're not a failure, you are strong!!

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

Interesting take on it. I don't view my poor eye sight on an inability to heal my eye no matter how well I take care of them. I don't view cancer on a failure of mine. We don't call people with mental illnesses a failure for seeking treatment and/or medication. Obesity is a disease, not a matter of will power. I didn't ask for early menopause, or an out of whack pituitary, both of which contributed to my weight issues. I had surgery to correct my eyes, surgery to cut out my cancer and surgery to correct my weight issues. I am not ashamed of any of these things. Calling oneself a failure and seeking help for something beyond your control is too close to self hate. It shrouds bariatric surgery in shame. The only way I could have been a failure is by not taking action.

[tam_mandala 33]

Here's the deal. I know I have a problem with overeating. I use food for comfort. I indulge in amazing food to the point of discomfort and excess. I have finally come to the point where I kinda enjoy working out, but it is a struggle to mentally get past feeling like I have to battle with my body for every mile. I don't see those actions and feelings as a "disease". I do however see surgery as a tool to help me in succeeding. Being successful at not overeating. Being successful at finding other ways to deal with stress and anxiety. Being successful at working out. And, ultimately, being successful at losing weight and keeping it off - something that I have failed at in other attempts.

For me, the narrative that obesity is a disease doesn't work.

I don't have other conditions that have led to my being fat. I eat too much and don't move enough. So, I see surgery as something that will help me to move past those things and get control in an area of my life that I feel very out of control over.

Others don't have to accept that. But, I do wonder if others do and just aren't able to or comfortable enough to admit it. Why are we afraid to admit that maybe we have failed at taking care of ourselves when it comes to our weight. I don't mean it as value judgement of my entire being, just that I have screwed up and gotten out of control in this particular area of my life. I don't hate myself. I love myself enough to be honest with myself. Finally.

Edited September 26, 2015 by tam_mandala

[tam_mandala 33]

I never said that surgery is a failure. I said that I have failed at the more conventional ways of staying and being thin. But yes if you wanted to be a doctor, but couldn't pass the MCAT, that does mean you failed in your attempt to become a doctor, if that was your goal. If your goal was to be a success and you found another way to do it, then mission accomplished. I guess the question is, what is your goal.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I understand where the OP is coming from.

But here's my take on it.

My parents had seven children. We all had the same general childhood food options (my father's hunting and vegetable garden and my mother's cooking) and the same access to general child-rearing, medical and philosophical ideological applications.

Yet we didn't turn out identically. One was a childhood diabetic. Four became heavy smokers. Two became alcoholics. Six didn't go to college, the seventh got a Ph.D. Two were blonde, one was a redhead, and four were brunettes. Two were tall, two were short, and the rest were of average height. One has a slight / petite build, and the other six are fairly muscular -- two were quite athletic.

I was the only one who was overweight during childhood. By the fourth grade I weighed 100 pounds. I was the heaviest girl or boy that year in my class. In high school I weighed 165-170. In college I got up to 185. In my 20s and 30s I finally became "slim," but my weight fluctuated dramatically -- from 120 to 185. By my 40s my highest weight was 205. By my 50s my highest weight was 225. In my 60s my highest weight (just before WLS) was 235. During all those years I dieted "successfully," losing and gaining weight over and over again. And until my siblings hit their late 50s or early 60s I was still the only one of us with any kind of weight problem at all.

I don't know all the medical / physiological / psychological reasons that combined to produce the obesity that my sibs didn't suffer from. But very clearly I had challenges they didn't have. I tried my hardest to overcome my overweight. But, in the OP's words, I "failed" to do so.

For over 60 years, dramatic diets didn't work. Weight watchers didn't work. Exercise didn't work. Diet pills didn't work. Self-shaming didn't work. Trying harder and harder and over and over again didn't work. Honestly, the only thing, at age 68, that finally worked was becoming so unhealthy that I became more immobilized than I'd ever been. It was crystal clear to me that without some kind of dramatic intervention -- and doing something very different than I'd ever done before -- I would turn into an agoraphobic, chair-bound, miserable person and turn my husband into my caregiver.

That was not a future I was willing to accept. That possible future was dire enough to motivate me to have WLS.

Thus far, it has turned out to be exactly what I needed. It has been a wonderful success. My knee replacement surgery has been deemed no longer necessary. I can walk 3-4 miles without rest at 3+ miles an hour. I can stand for hours without sitting down. I am no longer agoraphobic. I am satisfied by how much I eat and physically nourished by it.

And I am definitely not a failure. I just had not found "the right medicine" to treat and resolve my condition.

That's how I'm looking at it -- at least for now.

[tam_mandala 33]

I'm glad that surgery has been a success for you, and it is definitely an encouragement.

[MoReal 7]

@AvaFern....you are absolutely right!! I concur!!

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

Like alcoholism and drug addiction obesity is a disease. Thankfully one that can be conquered with interventions, but whether biological or environmental for many people is is much more than a matter of willpower. It's not something we "get over". That doesn't make the pre-op side of my life a failure. It means there were things beyond my control that required medical intervention to tend to. Attaching shame to them much like other addictions is part of what makes people reticent to seek help. Pre-op me was a cool chick. One who was smart enough to identify a problem and address it. She was never a failure.

[tam_mandala 33]

Like alcoholism and drug addiction obesity is a disease. Thankfully one that can be conquered with interventions, but whether biological or environmental for many people is is much more than a matter of willpower. It's not something we "get over". That doesn't make the pre-op side of my life a failure. It means there were things beyond my control that required medical intervention to tend to. Attaching shame to them much like other addictions is part of what makes people reticent to seek help. Pre-op me was a cool chick. One who was smart enough to identify a problem and address it. She was never a failure.

Good for you.

Again. I am not saying you or anyone else is a failure. I don't think of myself as a failure. Nor, do I feel shame or putting that on anyone else. I'm telling MY story and sharing MY experience.

[Yaberhoo 358]

I agree with you @tam_mandala. I see my inability to control my weight a failure. My life isn't a failure, I have just failed in my goal to get to a healthy weight on my own up until now. People fail at goals all the time. You dust your self off, review what went wrong, and try again in a different way.