New here, having second thoughts

[Carol Brower 1]

29/f, I've been overweight for about 8 years now. This past summer I reached my fattest point, but oddly, I also started having sex again after about a decade of not dating at all.

Now I've been swinging back and forth with this decision for years. At least 5 years. In 2013 I started looking for a surgeon but backed out because of unnecessary fees and general hassle with my local surgeon/hospital. Now I've found another a bit of distance away, and I'm working on getting my clearances done. the earliest I could get the surgery (sleeve) is in december. But I'm having second thoughts.

No one I know is supportive of my decision. Not family, friends, or the men I've been having sex with. I'm afraid of losing my shape, my boobs, my butt, etc. I'm afraid of the loose sagging empty skin. I'm afraid my vagina will look like Larry King's neck.

Sometimes I get into a frame of mind that I look ok. This is mostly when I'm looking at myself naked in the mirror up close. But then I have a moment like I did yesterday, after having sex, I went to a friend's house and caught a glimpse of my reflection at a distance in the glass of the back door. And I'm just shocked at how big I am. I'm grossed out. I wonder how I could have allowed myself to even have sex. I wonder how could these men even look at me let alone have sex with me. And I resign myself to the fact that I need to get this done for my own sanity.

On top of that, sex has been a real problem. Penetration specifically. My thighs are just too big, and even when the men push my legs back my belly is too big and in the way. I can't get on top, and even when I can I can't even move so it defeats the purpose.

I don't know what to do. I'm terrified and confused.

[con con 142]

IMHO All I can say is if you have any doubts don't do it. I can't imagine a surgeon would approve if you are not definite in your decision. This is your decision not your family or friends. Give it truthful thought and base your choice on what is best for you. It sounds like there might be other issues at hand. It's an option and a rush judgement would only hinder vs. help. We all had questions and doubts at first, but that usually passes once you decide that this will improve your life. Just don't rush it.

[Cheri_j 117]

Second thoughts are normal.

You seem to be putting your sex life above other things in your life. A lot of obese women have sexual issues - especially women who have been sexually abused as children. I spent five years in therapy with the same issues. I'm not saying this is true for you, but sometimes overweight women value their self worth through sex. You feel great about yourself when having sex because someone desires and wants you. But those feelings are short-lived when you aren't having sex and you see yourself in the mirror.

You are 29 years old. I am 56 years old. I've been through the obsessive sex thing and you know what? Having sex didn't keep me from getting diabetes, sleep apnea, obesity related asthma,GERD and two bad knees.

I'm eight weeks out from surgery and have lost 58 pounds. Sex now, 58 pounds lighter, is so much better. As I lose weight, I know it can only get better.

Part of the pre-op process will be a psych evaluation. Discuss your concerns and second thoughts with the doctor. The doctor might give you some insight as to why you are feeling the way you do.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

How much do you weigh?

[mzdevoted 1]

I like cher_j's reply,, sounds like the voice of wisdom,,and experience,, I am brand new,, i do not know the difference in procedures,, and i have not even found a dr in my area, or know if there are any,, a few years back i was inthe hospital for a really bad diverticulitis flare-up,, and adr who was called in for advice or something,, wanted me to have weight-loss surgery,, and he was probably right,, but at the time,, i did not even know who he was,, and the way he approached me about it,, just was not cool at the time. Now i have been seeing before and after pix on another fbforum and the excellent results,,and " i'm like, ok there is hope& help after all,,,". So I decided yesterday that i would actively pursue this,, at least get educated, find out my options, locate a dr, check my insurance etc,,, Im in Michigan, ,outside Ann Arbor,, so any help/tips/advice is needed and appreciated.

[Carol Brower 1]

Thanks cheri. It's true, even before I got fat, that I value myself through sex. American upbringing I guess. I know it's wrong but it's deeply seated in me and I can't shake it.

VSGAnn: I'm 5'6 and 300 pounds, but most people peg me at around 250.

[gowalking 10,790]

Thanks cheri. It's true, even before I got fat, that I value myself through sex. American upbringing I guess. I know it's wrong but it's deeply seated in me and I can't shake it.

Carol....before you move forward with WLS, work with a therapist to figure out your other issues. This is not American upbringing sweetheart, it's a warped sense of self value. Believe me...I know. You are not enjoying sex..or more to the point, you are not connecting with someone at a multitude of levels.

I was so full of self hatred that I hated anyone who even looked at me twice. So I made sure that no one would look at me and got so heavy that I could barely walk.

I've been at this almost three years and in therapy for nearly two. It's only now that I can actually have a healthy relationship. Oh and I'm still in therapy because I know without it, I'd have made some pretty bad decisions.

Good luck hon and keep us posted.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

A couple of things - everyone fears excess skin. It happens. However, after losing 150# and i can hontestly say i looked way better with some excess skin vs weighing over 300#. Hands down, no doubt, no question. More importantly, I am so much healthier, can move easier and enjoy life more.

In addition to your focus on sex, i am hearing (maybe I am wrong) a certain tone of self identifying with the big boobs etc and fear of losing that sexual allure or whatever.

I can promise you that your health, and healthy relationships are way more important than boobs, excess skin or any of that. Thanks to carrying excess weight for decades, now that i am slim i have advanced arthritis in one of my hips. I will need a hip replacement and I am only 51!!! That is the type of thing that will be in your future (or maybe diabetes, high blood pressure etc - i had an very obese niece die of heart failure at age 40)

Regardless of what you decide, I do think some talk therapy might be a good idea to help you clarify your real wants and needs. Talk good care of yourself - body, heart and soul.

[drmeow 323]

I agree with the others here, and it does seem like your focus is on sex. Not on a relationship, but sex. It's a way of feeling close to someone when there really is no relationship, and being overweight you justify to yourself that you're desirable, etc. I was married for 25 years and thought things were fine, until the ex was unable to perform several years ago. Even though I was extremely supportive of him and would never leave him b/c of that, it allowed me to see that outside of sex, we really had NO relationship. He was (and is) emotionally abusive and I took it for years b/c I felt I didn't deserve anything more, and the good sex tricked me into thinking things were OK.

You mention "men" plural so it does not sound like you are having a relationship with any of them. Despite what the popular culture says, sex without a true relationship is meaningless and eventually catches up to you.

I would strongly suggest getting into therapy and working on your self-image first, before pursuing surgery. Without improving your sense of self-worth, I am afraid that losing a lot of weight is going to make you feel very vulnerable. Some people expect losing weight will make their life perfect afterwards, but it won't, and you may be miserable if you don't change your own mindset first.

I hope you aren't feeling attacked by our honesty and we do wish you the best in your journey!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I hope you can afford therapy. Because I think you need it.

BTW, I'm American, too. But I never calculated my value in terms of how many men I've slept with.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

@ VSGAnn2014 you know I respect your voice on many subjects but I don't think she exactly said that. What I really can't stand is a thread starting to head down the "shaming" path. I do not believe that is your intention but it might be read that way.

Life is hard in many ways and I think that obese people sometimes struggle with finding their place in the world. I feel fortunate that I self identified with my intellect and career. I was always respected in that arena and it went along ways toward defining my self worth and frankly place in the world. My midlife crisis seems to be about realizing that I don't value that much anymore, my looks are awesome since losing weigbt -haha- but don't make for happiness either. Like many formerly obese, there is repair work to be done.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

CarolBower, first off, welcome to this WLS forum, you're always welcome here whether you do or don't have WLS. You seem very upfront with things, not only are you posting under your real name, but your interest in WLS is only in relationship to how it will affect your sex life. Thats it. Nothing else. While you have valid questions concerning that subject, you haven't told us anything about your life, struggle with weight, family, job etc. No comments about plans, hopes, a healthier life, hobbies. Nothing. Most of the women on this forum are "American women " too , and yet not once do I remember anyone stating their sex life as a reason to have or not have WLS. As usual Gowalking is right on the money, I would suggest a good therapist to help you see that you are so much more than just a sexual object, but a human being who deserves love and respect from others , and yourself as well. I wish you all the best.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

@@CowgirlJane ... thanks for the "check." Seriously.

And no, I didn't intend my comment as shaming. Truly. But it was much too terse a response.

@@pink dahlia's advice was a much, much better version of what I also meant.

[Carol Brower 1]

Well I guess it's an over simplification but in terms of body image and how I relate to men sex and desirability is a big deal for me. I wasn't always fat. I used to be a fox. And it's been torment for me to not be one anymore, if anyone can understand or relate to that. I'm very confident in my mind and intellect but I have absolutely no self esteem when it comes to body issues. This was a problem even when I was attractive. I stopped having sex 11 years ago, before I gained weight, mostly because I was repeatedly used for sex and got fed up. I think part of my weight gain was a defense mechanism -- I didn't want to be leered at anymore. But once it stopped, I realized I needed that sort of attention and not getting it made me depressed and it spiraled out of control.

i've been in and out of therapy since age 10. No shrink has been able to "fix" me.

[AngelaWilliamsMD 290]

Your second thoughts are perfectly normal. I was the 29, similar in age as you, and started to realize that I no longer wanted to live my life as a depressed, morbidly obese, and generally unhealthy person anymore. I just knew there had to be something better for my thirties. Have you reached your breaking point yet? I think everyone who is true serious about surgery has one of these. JMHO