Feeling defeated :(

[LoseItKacy 347]

I've been in the process for 6 months to get this surgery. I've worked really hard to follow my rules that my nutritionist gave me. My surgery is less than 8 days away. Over the course of 6 months I've lost 17 pounds on my own. 8 of that was liquid diet. Well one of my friends said this to me today and I don't know how I feel. How have other people handled push back lack this?...

"So I guess I'll just come around and be that exasperated ass since I have been seeing this stuff nonstop for months. I completely understand where you are coming from. Weight loss is a journey for life, and literally the toughest one anyone will ever encounter. I lost over 100 pounds myself, so I am not talking out of my ass.

I don't know you anymore. We were friends when we were kids. I don't know how you think or how your life is (from what I read you are very busy, congrats!), but to be brutally honest, you could do this without this surgery. I know you could because you had to lose weight to get into the surgery in the first place and you did that seemingly without issue. I don't care if I get attacked by trolls, but this surgery is for people who legitimately NEED it. You have been losing weight the correct way this whole time before (AND telling fb all about it) then turning around and getting upset when someone says you don't need the surgery or can do it yourself.

My mom had this surgery. She can barely ever eat, and when she does, she throws everything up. Not only that, but she reverted back to her old eating habits so she gained all the weight back and is now just going to be sick the rest of your life. This isn't always the case, but it is most usually the case, at least from all the former gastric bypass people I have met.

This is your life and you can do whatever you want with your body, but dont delude yourself into thinking this isn't the easy way out when you are perfectly physically capable of doing it on your own."

I don't feel like I can do it on my own. I have acid reflux, sleep apnea, and PCOS. She doesn't know all my battles but just because I lose weight doesn't mean I shouldn't have the surgery right?

[Sajijoma 1,324]

Don't listen to her. She doesn't know you or your struggle. She doesn't understand how hard you've found for those pounds. When I started my NUT appts, I lost 22lbs and since then, I've been fighting like mad just not to gain anything! I've got 1 more spot left and pray to GOD that I haven't gained anything and I am still following my diet and exercising. It's just doing what always happens. I lose 20lbs or so then I have to fight to keep it off and then slowly it comes back on while I am fighting and screaming to keep it off. Most people don't get that. They just convince themselves that surgery is the easy way out. It's not the easy way out and honestly, you don't need people like that in your life. Those are not friends. Those are defeatists. Toxic people who just want to make sure you don't succeed, because if you do succeed, when you do succeed, they will have to take a look both at how they treat you and others, but also at themselves and what they need to work on themselves. Might not be weight, but more how they hurt others and that makes them uncomfortable, but not enough to change themselves. It's easier to drag you down than to lift themselves up.

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

She does not matter. I would ignore/block her, but I have a pretty low BS threshhold and have no issues cutting people out of my life or compartmentalizing to 2nd or 3rd tier friends. If you feel you must reply, simply say, "thank you for your concern, but you are not my doctor and do not know my life."

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Dont let ONE person derail YOUR journey to health and a better life ! She doesnt have to deal with your problems 24/7. Just because her mom had issues doesn't mean you will too. 17 lbs in 6 months is good, but part of that was from a liquid diet, something that you cant possibly stay on forever. You have done your homework, followed the Dr,s rules, and passed all the tests. She has not. So do what YOU have to do ! Good luck !!! (P.S. " A tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep " )

[LoseItKacy 347]

I think what I struggle with the most is I can't exactly say she's wrong.

1. She's been obese before. If she was some skinny girl who had no idea what it's like to be overweight, she wouldn't have a leg to stand on

2. She has every right to feel the way she does about wls because that's her experience with it. She watched her mom get sick and eventually fail. I can't say she's wrong when that's what she knows and sadly it does happen. I don't think she knows that's there's more success than failure. And wls done years ago are not the same as what they are now. Just because it's her moms experience doesn't mean it will be mine.

Here's what really bothers me. I posted my entire journey on FB and that was my choice and honestly I'm glad she said something about it because I'm sure other people think the same thing. I have been losing some weight on my own. I lost 17 pounds from the beginning of my program over 6 months ago. So me being excited, shared that with people. So people see that I'm losing some weight but don't understand that 6 of it was liquid diet and the other 11 was following the guidelines my nutritionist laid out for me to be successful after surgery. So does just because I'm losing weight now mean I shouldn't have the surgery? I mean I don't think so. But how do I respond to that. How do I educate people on how this works. She isn't the first person to say things like this. But I never know how to answer the question. I wanted to share my story so it changes the stigma of wls. I'm not giving up the surgery. I know I will be successful. But I feel like losing some weight doesn't mean I can lose the other 100+ pounds I have.

I will admit also that I am on the smaller side of this and my photos do really well at hiding my weight.  

[IncredibleShrinkingMan 437]

I advocate forgiveness in general, but with your health and mindset, there should be a one strike policy against people. No matter how important she is to you (indeterminate from what I read, even though the friendship is lifelong), she can no longer be a part of this. You can't be hearing voices telling you that you are doing the wrong thing. That will just make it harder to deal with the eventual, inevitable setbacks. You need to surround yourself with people who agree with your decision, or at least will support the decision you have made. Even if she stops these criticisms, I don't see how you could possibly see her as a positive influence from this point forward, and I think the more likely outcome is that she begins making light of your weight loss by reminding you that you had the surgery (like you need a reminder) and that it's cheating.

At the peril of being a complete and unmitigated ass, I will say I hope she gains all her god damn weight back and then you can ask her if the surgery is still the "wrong way." But my more responsible advice is to just be done with her. Be thankful that this is not family or a spouse.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Personally, I don't understand why people dramatize their life this much on Facebook. Either you or your friend.

Yes, I'm on Facebook, but I don't consider that it's a forum in which to debate the significant issues of my life.

I realize this is a personal choice -- I'm just saying it would not work for me.

With regard to your post, what are you asking this group to do?

[LoseItKacy 347]

Personally, I don't understand why people dramatize their life this much on Facebook. Either you or your friend.

Yes, I'm on Facebook, but I don't consider that it's a forum in which to debate the significant issues of my life.

I realize this is a personal choice -- I'm just saying it would not work for me.

With regard to your post, what are you asking this group to do?

So I feel like I should explain why I chose to put my stuff on Facebook

1. I chose to be upfront with everyone I know because I shouldn't have to feel guilty about what I'm doing to be healthy.

2. Education. Most people judge what they don't understand. If people don't know about it, see it, or hear about it, weight loss surgery will continue to have the same stigmas it always had. It's a VALID form of weight loss and people don't understand unless they have been there or seen someone they care about go through it.

3. Support. For the two people who have had something negative to say about it with my updates. I have had at least 5 times the amount of support. People who I NEVER thought would be excited for me or happy for me have been asking really GOOD questions to try to see my perspective so they can understand (education). I didn't realize how much support I actually had until I gave people the opportunity to support me. If I wouldve only told the three people I initially planned, I wouldn't have any support. It's interesting how the people who I wanted to support me didn't and the people who I didn't think would, did. I also just moved to Minnesota. I have two friends here. So everyone on my Facebook is important to me because as of right now, that is the extent of my social life. And it's pretty much all of my friends who I had before I moved here.

4. My life isn't "dramatized" on Facebook. She responded with that comment to a post that simply said "I survived half my liquid diet! 7 days down, 7 more to go"

5. What I was hoping for on this post. First, is it common to lose weight in the preop process. Is it a bad thing? Just because I lose twenty pounds doesn't mean I can lose 100+. But do most people lose weight during the pre op phase? Second, how do you respond to negative people. Because even if you only tell a few people, someone can be negative about it. Third, how do you explain to the people that are close to you who see you losing weight in the preop process that you should still press forward with the surgery. She's not the first person to say something like this. My employer knows (had to take off work and needed to let me have Protein drinks on the floor so I couldn't exactly keep it a secret from him). He made a comment that I'm losing weight and "do you really need the surgery", so how do you respond?

[ShrinkingPeach 1,291]

When people are negative with regard to any aspect I often wonder what is it in their own life that compels them to tell others what to do. She is probably not in a good place herself or maybe jealous of you. Maybe she is scared she will no longer be the skinny friend.

Regardless, this is more about her than it is about you. Surround yourself with positive people and with those who treat you as you deserve to be treated. I would respond to her that she has no idea of the struggles in your life and that she cannot possibly predict the future for you with this surgery.

She can either come along for an amazing journey with her friend or be left behind. If she cannot be supportive then she isn't your friend. I also would say let her go and move on with your life. The best revenge is happiness!

[pink dahlia 2,513]

No support ? Its kinda like growing flowers. You have take out the weeds to let the beautiful flowers grow. So , what kind of flower are you ?

[gowalking 10,790]

FYI, my boyfriend is in HR so I know that the comment by your boss was out of line. Tell him/her not to discuss anything of a personal nature with you including anything weight related. That will take care of at least one person who is giving you a hard time.

[Graciesmom04 184]

I guess I'm one of a very slim few. Why does anyone, anywhere need to know what we do with our bodies?? I don't ever tell anyone anything about me, health wise. I had a hysterectomy, my husband and mom knew. Wasn't anyone else's business. I had C Diff that ended me in the hospital for 2 days. My hsb texted both of our families and i was so upset. I didn't tell anyone about this wls. It's no one's business! And....I don't have to listen to anyone else's stupid, uneducated opinions! I feel if you share this news, then don't be upset that people tell you what they think. Are they wrong, YES! It's not their lives and not their business....except when you allow it to be.

Honestly, I think you look gorgeous even without the surgery! But I certainly understand your wanting it if you feel it's going to help you succeed. I feel the same about myself or I wouldn't have done it.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Thanks for posing your questions to us:

1. Is it common to lose weight pre-op? Of course, it's common to lose weight in the preop process. That's sort of the point of your surgeon's pre-op diet, although the more specific reason to lose the weight is to deplete your liver of glycogen and the Water in your liver that's there helping to store the glycogen, so your surgeon will be able to move the liver and navigate around it during surgery more easily and not nick / cut / damage your liver in any way. That could lead to a very bad surgical complication.

2. How do you respond to those who are negative? I decided to avoid that problem altogether by telling only my husband and two friends who I knew wouldn't be negative. I've purposely not publicized my WLS because I had no patience or any energy for dealing with those who are massivelly ignorant about WLS. I honestly had zero interest in educating the world about WLS.

3. How do you explain to the people that are close to you who see you losing weight in the pre-op process that you should still press forward with the surgery. (See answer to #2 above.)

And if you're wondering how I lost 93 pounds in a year without people asking me if I'd had WLS, I've yo-yo dieted all my life and lost and gained a lot of weight in broad public view. This time it was obvious I was dieting and exercising hard, and those who commented on it simply congratulated me on my great success. And I took my bows.

One final comment -- I think that for someone who wants to live transparently you're over-focused on convincing others to think as you do. You don't have an actual obligation to convince others that you're right -- just as they don't have an obligation to convince you that they're right. It's called living transparently. Does it really make you wrong if they don't agree with you? (That's really worth thinking about. Hard.)

[Djmohr 6,965]

I would just add that it is very very clear you're friend may be obese but clearly does not understand this disease at all.

The issue is rarely about losing the weight it is about keeping it off permanently. Our bodies are programmed to focus on keeping that fat over the long haul. I have lost hundreds of pounds over the years only to put it all back on and then some. I bet most people who have had WLS have had that same problem.

Oh and by the way, the older you get the harder it is to lose any weight at all to begin with and the easier it becomes to pack on more weight. It is a metabolic disease.

In terms of her mothers failures, I bet it would be very difficult to gain back all her weight if in fact she was throwing up constantly. Her mothers failure likely came from not following the plan and eating around her surgery.

Don't let anyone cause you to fail. You are in control of you and that is really all you can and should be focused on.

You have let others opinions into your life. I would simply ask your friend for her support and tell her if she cannot do that you will simply remove yourself from the situation. She will likely try to sabotage you in the future given her beliefs and that is truly not a friend anyway.

Good luck to you! I hope all goes well with you're surgery. You are doing great so far, don't let small minded people suck you down.

[KristenVSG2014 1,872]

Well I was going to comment but @@VSGAnn2014 and @@Djmohr covered every point I thought of. Awesome work, ladies!