Pitty potty! Why me?

[lauri 0]

I just needed to get this off of my chest. Sometimes....Well, alot of times, I just want to scream ENOUGH!!!! I know that I haven't had as hard of a time as some people but I am really tired. Truth be known if it weren't for all of the caring, fun people here and the support that I have received I am not sure how I would be dealing with things. The thing is I feel so guilty for feeling as depressed and hopeless as I often do. It seems like my whole life has been one struggle after another.

When I was born, my lungs weren't fvery strong and I had severe allergies. I spent the first several years of my life in and out of the doctors office and such and my poor parents had to watch everything I came in contact with. My food allergies alone consisted of: potatoes, corn, milk, eggs, flour, bananas and several others things that didn't really concern me. I could not have anything with the least amount of these items. Think about it. The ONLY candy on the market that I could have until I was about 8 years old was Bottle Caps! Any one remember those? I ate alot of rice and soymilk. My enviromental allergies forced my parents to move to West Texas. I had to sleep in a recliner because my asthma was so bad. I couldn't play like other children because I couldn't breath well. I took allergy shots twice a week. I missed alot of school and struggled to make friends. Then, just as the shots were starting to work, I began to gain weight. From the 2nd grade to the 3rd grade, I gained like 40 pounds-or what seemed like it anyway. My parents put me on diets and the Dr. made me wear this awful back brace because the weight was causing me back problems. Kids made fun of me all of the time. After two years of torture, a Dr. realized that I had a Thyroid problem. The weight came off.

I still dealt with allergies and my thyroid had cause me to quit growing for two years. But the worst thing was my self esteem. I never got that back. Even though I have been told that I am pretty, I have never believed it. That can cause alot of problems. Without going over the details, I have been married three times and have struggled financially for most of my adult life. I did start college when my first child was 2 but that took 8 years for me to finish school because I had so many health problems, got divorced 2 times, and had 2 more children. I had an emergency hysterectomy after my last child and my second husband left me for the baby sitter because he "couldn't handle me being sick all of the time". I managed to finish my senior year in school-a single mom of three. Then, I got a job in Dallas teaching- I thought things were finally looking up. I had a job, wonderful kids, and then....I got married moved to Little Elm and Started a new job..

All of a sudden everything began to fall apart: I started getting sick, I found that a close family member had been abused, my weight was going up and I couldn't quit crying. The dr put me on all kinds of anti de pressants and I just continued to struggle. At work, no one knew what I was going through. I put on a smile and didn't tell anyone. Then, I missed an after school function because I had to go to the hospital. My principal was furious. I explained to him that I had been having some health problems and that I had been taken to the hospital. My dr. thought I could have cancer in my kidneys because I had been peeing blood for several weeks and tests didn't look good. I even gave him the note from the hospital. He told me two days later that he felt that it was in the best interest of the school district not to renew my contract! I had to work the next several months knowing that I wasn't coming back-I don't know how I did it. I was sick and now I knew that I wasn't going to have an income or INSURANCE soon. I felt like he had just given me a death sentence! THEN a two weeks before school was out my cousin was violently murdered. He was like a brother to me! I missed three days and came back in a daze. THEN three days later a truck ran a red light and totaled my car. I was so lucky that I wasn't killed! I spent the summer in physical therapy. Now, I am paying COBRA because my meds are more per month without the insurance than the monthly payment and I still don't have a job! To top it all off----My husband was just laid off from his job!!!! What the hell? Haven't I been through enough? Will it ever end?

[athykay 9]

Lauri,

Hang in there!! It sounds like you have had a rough time. You have to have faith that things will get better. I have this quote that I refer to often.

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

You have something to do- get this surgery done and be on your way to a healthier you.

Something to love- sounds like you have 3 children and a husband.

Something to hope for- brighter days for you and those that you love.

I hope this little quote may brighten your day. You are in my prayers.

[La_madam 20]

Hi Lauri

I feel your pain, it wasnt too long ago that I had my share of family tragedies in a BIG way and in a very short period of time...many of the people here on the boards know of my story. .. I just want to say, Im still here surviving and the band is the best thing to happen to me. I battled weight porblems most of my life too like many of us here but my family tragedies just sped up the weight gain..Its not for us to ask why things happens to us , it is for us to just deal with & accept( that is hard sometimes I know) But .. We will never know why things happen to us like they do .. as my mother always told me " Everything in life happens for a reason" I know it is rough .. but they say what doesnt kill us only makes us stronger. I'm a firm believer in that. You will survive all of this ...and be a better person because of it. What Kathy said in her post is so true..follow those words...Hang in there~

[New Hope 37]

Lauri, I'm so sorry that you've been hit with so much. I agree with everything Kathy and Michelle have told you. I've been through my share too. For a few years, I felt like I was living in a really bad soap opera and couldn't get out of it. I can tell you that things really will get better. And this was the really hard part for me to do...Live life one day at a time. A lot of the things that we spend our time worrying about never materialize. That's a lot of wasted energy and time that we can spend more wisely on getting through each day. Try to be around positive, uplifting people. Make a list of the good things in your life. I bet if you do, they'll outdo the bad. Do something for someone else - go visit someone who's shut in, take an elderly person to the grocery store, give the mailman bottled Water, walk someone's dog for them, pick someone's kids up from school, send a "thinking of you" card to someone you love and haven't heard from in a while, clean an ill person's house, volunteer your time at a school, library, nursing home, etc. There are tons of things that can be done that don't cost $$. I lost a very dear friend to a long battle w/ cancer. Up to the very end, she remained so positive and concerned about others. I always left there feeling so good. I hope I can have that type of strength and graciousness when my time comes.

I can think of a few good things for you...your grandfather's renewed health, your loving parents, your beautiful children, and your adoring husband. Now please make your "good things" list.

Sending you lots of (((hugs))) and encouragement!

[whippledaddy 5]

Sometimes, when I'm wondering on the great "Whys" of life. I think that maybe, just maybe, those of us who carry this extra load of fat got it from stress. Maybe not everyone, maybe not all the time. But I listen a lot. And I hear a lot of fat people talk. I hear some common threads: childhood illness, or childhood stress. I, too was deemed allergic to nearly everything in the universe.

Another common thread is childhood loss issues. My loss was being systematically abused by a brother sister babysitting team. The abuse was physical, psychological, and sexual. If you don't understand why that is a "loss" then you haven't experienced it. I lost my childhood because of those two.

It sounds like you, too, had the loss of your childhood to contend with.

Then these traumas follow us into adulthood. If the weight went on early we felt the sharp knife of prejudice cut us more than once. We become a little desparate, we want to love, and be loved, but the mirror, our own fickle hearts, and the world around us conspires to prove to us that we aren't loveable.

Well, if I can't be physically loveable, I'll be emotionally loveable. Perhaps some of our subsequent problems are linked to co-dependant type behaviours, maybe not. I know I go above and beyond the call to remain loveable to people I love. My first marriage proves that. I suffered every indignity just to stay feeling loved.

I notice how many of us are caregivers. Being indispensable is a way of being loved. For me it is.

So, in many ways we have all walked a mile in each other's moccasins.

So I ask you Lauri, why should you feel guilty about being depressed, even discouraged? From the life you've led you certainly deserve to feel that way. They are your feelings, you're only human too. It's okay to feel those things. My goodness, girl, you've been given enough reason, and each day brings new reasons.

As it does for us all. But there is one thing: You deserve to feel free, and healthy, and happy as well. You deserve them as much as anyone who walks the earth. And you deserve so much more. You deserve to love and be loved. And it will happen. Perhaps, if you can look around you with brighter eyes, you will see that it is already happening. You have a family. You have troubles, yes, that's how we all know we're alive.

You deserve one other thing. And you deserve it above all others. You deserve hope. I can't say it enough. Hope is the best thing, maybe the only thing. And if I have learned anything in my life, I have learned that the only really effective anti depressant is hope. It's simple, it's effective, and it's free. Reach out and grasp it. Stop being afraid to hope. Let it be. Let yourself give in to the siren cry of "Hope".

The other thing I know is that if you hope and hold on long enough things always get better. Come and read some posts. Laugh here, and find hope. Cry here and find hope. Learn here, and find hope. For there is hope, it hovers before you on the gossamer wings of cyber light. Reach out and take it. Welcome.

Read and post, and live life moment to moment, and know that here, in this place, you are loved.

[lauri 0]

I would like to thank everyone for your kind words of encouragment. I really didn't mean to unload like that but I guess that I felt in someway that if I could just talk it out- it would somehow not hurt so much. Your all right! I appreciate each of you for being willing to listen when I really couldn't talk to any one else. I do have alot to be thankful for and I am going to make that list! Well, my husband(a major blessing) is getting jealous. He says I spend more time with Yall than I do him. I guess I better go to bed.. I Love all of you -does that seem strange? People I've never met have become so important to me that I check my email several times a day to see what is going on with them??? Thanks!

[New Hope 37]

No, it's not strange, Lauri. It's love and acceptance, all anyone really wants. Now please get outside tomorrow and enjoy this gorgeous weather with that jealous husband of yours! Let him know we think you're pretty special, too.

[blossom 2]

Lauri, I feel for ya, girl! I can't add any better advice that what has already been said, but I just want you to know that you are loved.

[lauri 0]

Thanks all. It means sooooo much to me that you care. Today, Steven and I are going to get boxes to start packing things. He have to start putting things in storage so that we can get ready to show the house. I am trying to think about this in a positive way. I mean, even if we sell the house and have to move in with my parents, that maybe where God wants us. Maybe, there is a teaching job in Humble, Cleveland, or Kingwood that is waiting for me. My Mom won't be so lonely! She will be able to help me with the kids while I look for a job. I will be able to get my daughter away from this boyfriend of hers. (I know that sounds mean but she can do soooo much better) I'm sure that everything will be ok. Hey-atleast you guys will go with me when and if I have to move. I will talk to everyone later.

[Zoe 6]

Lauri, I'm glad you're able to look at the bright side -- although, as Ryan wisely pointed out, why shouldn't you be unhappy after going through such a rough time? But you are moving in a healthy direction. Just thinking about getting the band, even waiting for it, is a hopeful step. You're looking for change in your life, and you're taking action to try to make it happen. That's a whole lot. I hope the move goes as smoothly as possible and that you hear some good news soon.

[whippledaddy 5]

There is that old corny twelve step chestnut:

"Everything will be all right in the end. If it's not all right, it's not the end."

[New Hope 37]

Humble, Cleveland, or Kingwood? You'll be in our neck of the woods...Lisa Green, Claraluz, and me!

[lauri 0]

Thanks Zoe!

Whippledaddy-LOL You always make me smile! Thanks!

New Hope- That is cool! (My mom actually called me from KEMA Friday night! She and my dad were celebrating his new promotion!!!! He works for Eagle Oil in Houston. I couldn't believe THEY were where I wanted to be! I really hope that Steven gets a job this week so that we don't HAVE to move but at least I already know people if we do. Heck-I know great people all over the place now.

Thanks everyone! It was nice to get up and see that you are with me. XOXOXOXOXO

[QueenMichelle 0]

Until you deal with live with GRACE--it will stay in your FACE--

i know this sound silly but start saying THANK YOU for the lesons that you have learned and let go of the "anger" you still hold on these issues-you will be surprised how live will change whey you change your pesception of life---the hardest thing is coming from a place of thankfulness when things are less than wonderful-i wish you peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lauri 0]

Thanks all! Little up date: Hubby got a job, starts Monday. Less pay but better benifits(sp?) We are going to struggle some for a while but with the help of family and friends we are working things out. I feel much better.