New to dating

[sgc 538]

So an update. I went on a couple dates with the original girl. We had gone out to dinner on the last date and everything seemed fine. She had talked about her cooking and said she would need to cook for me. We decided to go out that weekend. I texted her the day before and she said she had a fever. I told her I hope she feels better and let me know when she is ready. She never texted again. She has since moved changed her status to moved on so I guess that's it. Haven't generated much interest from women. What I thought would happen has. I've plateaued on my weight loss. I've begun to question the point of losing weight. I probably wasn't ready to jump into this.

Your remark about questioning the point of losing weight is bothering me. Did you decide to do this hoping to find a girlfriend? I hope not. Love yourself my friend...and everything else will fall into place...even if you never find the 'right girl'.

I decided to start because I had high blood pressure and sleep apnea and am only 30 years old. Finding a girlfriend was a high priority. Even if I get down to a normal weight, my body is still ruined. I started questioning why I was dating on the last date. We went to a restaurant and sat in a booth and I barely fit into it. How can I date when I have to worry if I'm going to fit in places? Now wasn't the right time to start. In the past 6 weeks I gain a pound. Granted I didn't undue what I already did but I was losing about 3 pounds a week. I'm about 20 pounds behind schedule.

[gowalking 10,790]

So an update. I went on a couple dates with the original girl. We had gone out to dinner on the last date and everything seemed fine. She had talked about her cooking and said she would need to cook for me. We decided to go out that weekend. I texted her the day before and she said she had a fever. I told her I hope she feels better and let me know when she is ready. She never texted again. She has since moved changed her status to moved on so I guess that's it. Haven't generated much interest from women. What I thought would happen has. I've plateaued on my weight loss. I've begun to question the point of losing weight. I probably wasn't ready to jump into this.

Your remark about questioning the point of losing weight is bothering me. Did you decide to do this hoping to find a girlfriend? I hope not. Love yourself my friend...and everything else will fall into place...even if you never find the 'right girl'.

I decided to start because I had high blood pressure and sleep apnea and am only 30 years old. Finding a girlfriend was a high priority. Even if I get down to a normal weight, my body is still ruined. I started questioning why I was dating on the last date. We went to a restaurant and sat in a booth and I barely fit into it. How can I date when I have to worry if I'm going to fit in places? Now wasn't the right time to start. In the past 6 weeks I gain a pound. Granted I didn't undue what I already did but I was losing about 3 pounds a week. I'm about 20 pounds behind schedule.

Ah...OK, now I get it. I agree...you're likely not ready for this yet. It's too soon. Focus on yourself and your goals right now. I agree...dating can get you off track for sure. I know that it's happened to me. I used to go to the Y three times a week to swim. Now I go once a week..if that. And when it comes to food..I had to explain to the BF that Chinese and pizza were just not a good choice for me except once in a while. I really had to reiterate this more than once in order to not sabotage myself.

[bellabloom 2,467]

I honestly know if I met a guy and really liked his humor and personality and there was chemistry, a less than perfect body would not matter to me. Don't worry. You'll find someone amazing.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

@@sgc I am quoting myself as a reminder that dating is fraught with emotional ( and for women physical) risks. You have not ruined your body, you have a WHOLE LIFE ahead of you. For now, focus on building the life you want to live. Don't use dating as some sort of emotional validation of yourself. I am sure I did that, and just had someone do it to me....it six and never works.

You are worthy of all the good stuff... just give it time to find yourself.

If you want some additional specific advice, ask away. I know it is really hard to get going on this topic and things are REALLY different over 50. I became single in my early 30s and that was EASY, even though I was obese, compared to what I experience now. Long story....

Anyway, I do want to re-emphasis the point about seeing a counselor. Dating and some of the people in it... can give you a real head trip. A specific example - I started seeing someone who was crazy about me. We did a ton of stuff together, similiar lifestyles etc. even though we didn't ever have a physically intimate relationship. I wasn't seeing anyone else at the time though - we spent alot of time together.

As time went on, and he became more emotionally invested some of his baggage reappaered. I came to realize this guy was NOT ready for an actual relationship. He realized it too... and apologized as he felt he had "lied" about his intentions. i dont think he lied, I think he was just not that self aware. I was in fact worried he was heading for some sort of emotional crash. This all went down many months ago and i considered myself lucky to have "dodged" getting seriously involved with someone who had a lot of emotional stuff to work through. Just this morning, I was perusing a dating website for grins(my profile is inactive as I am not actively seeking right now) and who do I see pop up - this guy again! What really annoyed me is he used a picture of himself on my horse in his profile. I suddenly started taking it very personally, felt rejected or whatever. Then I had to say...whoa, wait, hold on a minute... I know for a fact this guy has significant "work to do" on his inner self and I am lucky I didn't get sucked in.... why then am I feeling rejected? I had to slap myself and realize he is just repeating the pattern he is destined to do until he faces some things - not my circus, not my monkey! I am self reflective enough at this stage to process all that without a counselor, but I use it as an example to tell you how weird this online thing can be.

If you are low confidence, inexperienced, etc you might really feel hurt by the people who have issues (my example) and the frankly "users" that are out there in dating land. I have heard this from men, that they have met women who are finanancially or otherwise desparate and seek out someone to save them online. On my side, I have run into alot of men who are in a mid life crisis and just aren't good prospects for a real relationship. I have spent a couple of years casually dating and frankly at this point, don't want to play with players.

gowalking makes a great point too... you can get interested in the wrong person pretty easily that blocks you from meeting a better match.

I know it is always a gamble, but i am really only interested in getting to know someone if we have a chance of making a go of something that might last....

Right before I got rid of my profiles i met someone who persuaded me to keep seeing him. It is still very light and casual, and going okay, but what is really in my mind is to continue to get my own house in order and perhaps 2016 is my year that the winds of love blow my direction?

Kudos to you for getting out there and trying. It is really hard for all of us, but especially if you haven't been in relationships or dated. I find that dating sucks, but I am a relationship type of person and it seems you are expected to "date" to find that.

[sgc 538]

I figured I would bump my old thread. About a year ago, I noticed a woman I work with was on eHarmony. At the time I decided not to approach it. I always liked her and we seemed to get along well. Fast forward to today and I think she just asked me out. I'm not really perceptive so maybe it's just a social thing. She obviously knows I lost a lot of weight so it doesn't appear that scared her off. She was always nice to me and would talk to me when I was big and I always felt she was in to me but again I'm not a perceptive person. I accepted her offer. Even if it is just a social thing, I guess it wouldn't hurt to have female friends. I'm actually not sure how I would know if she is expecting this to be a romantic thing or if she is waiting for me to take it up a level? Good thing is, we both have work from home jobs so if it doesn't end well, we never have to see each other again.

[doxaholic 252]

Wow how exciting for you even if it is not a date hey it can always turn into one. This was posted back in october im assuming you had your date how did it go if you dont mind me asking.

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[sgc 538]

Haven't had it yet. She invited me to play this month. I'm not very perceptive so I could be misreading this. I know she's single and this doesn't seem like something a single woman would ask a single guy to go to. I don't understand why me though. She's so outgoing and is friends with everyone at work. She knows obviously I have lost a lot of weight. She's always been friendly towards me. A while back she was at my desk and commented about how I had nothing on my walls so she drew me a picture. Don't know what it is but it is nice. Maybe it's common place for women to do that just because. We are also friends on Facebook and after she invited she posted a video to her wall that had some kid singing about having a crush on you. My concern is she may not have the same intentions as I do and I may look like a fool.

[doxaholic 252]

Sgc why not you! Sounds like she is into you. She drew you a picture like literally drew you a picture i take that as flirting. She probably seen you on e harmony too and decided to go for it. However i am not there i cant see the glances and the smiles some share when there is a connection. Why dont you test the waters before the play and see where things are at? Invite her out for a coffee date or even lunch or dinner. What did she draw for you if you dont mind sharing?

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[doxaholic 252]

I have to admit im intrigued by your story i am a sucker for romance.

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[sgc 538]

Sgc why not you! Sounds like she is into you. She drew you a picture like literally drew you a picture i take that as flirting. She probably seen you on e harmony too and decided to go for it. However i am not there i cant see the glances and the smiles some share when there is a connection. Why dont you test the waters before the play and see where things are at? Invite her out for a coffee date or even lunch or dinner. What did she draw for you if you dont mind sharing?

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I'm not sure if she saw me on eHarmony or not. At the time, I didn't have any pictures and didn't completely fill out my profile since I was just looking around.

Not sure what exactly it is she drew. She's Hispanic and it appears to be a more Spanish type thing. It's colorful with a lot of fish. Best way I could describe it is, I would expect to see a sculpture of it somewhere in Miami. Similar to the sculpture the Miami Marlins have in their stadium.

Now that I look at the picture, I see she dated in November 13th 2015 (Didn't think it was that long ago). I searched my email and noticed we were matched on November 8th 2015. Maybe she did see my profile after all? I notice these coincidences like her insinuating she has a crush after she talked me and posted it on Facebook knowing I can see it.

[doxaholic 252]

Omg go for it! As far as looking like a fool its something your going to have to chance in order to find love. Hey you already took a chance with wls go for it. You have waited long enough. Plus you were matched. You cant ask for more.

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[sgc 538]

The play thing kind of fell through as tickets were sold out pretty quickly. She really hasn't talked much about doing anything else. I'm really not sure what to do. She does share some things on Facebook about finding love. She has over 800 friends who knows if she is posting them for me or someone else. I still can't get past the fact of why me. She is so outgoing and bubbly and makes friends with everyone and I'm quiet and not outgoing. I can't believe she wouldn't have a boyfriend.

[BelgianGuy 350]

After 4 years of (almost) nothing dating-wise and having my self-confidence completely shattered by my only ex-girlfriend (3years and a half of relationship), I have remet a girl again at my university (had to skip it half a year due to health and depression stuffs), she was surprised to see me since I had gone without giving anyone much news and that I barely ever checked my Facebook stuffs.

So basically, she added me on facebook on the very same day and talked to me on a daily basis, at first I was not answering much but she would always try to restart the conversation with questions, or jokes or pictures or gifs. I hadn't received this much messages in a while so yeah I chatted more and more and she invited me to some events I unfortunately could not attend to, making more and more hints she would like to see me.

At one point, she invited me to some halloween party, on that day I had to go back to university for some exam (it's 50minutes away by train, Belgium is a small country so many students don't actually live on campus but travel from home to uni every day), so yeah I accepted her invitation even though I only just knew her and none of her friends. The party went on well, my bad, I got a bit drunk on red wine (stomach regrets in the morning) and so was she.

Everyone was pissed off, only her and I were still in acceptable conditions and she absolutely wanted to go to some club, I drunkenly told her I hated those and hated dancing (I am a joyful fella am I not), but she still dragged me there and after a while she kissed me and it went on for a while before we went back to her place and fell asleep like garbage because of the tiredness (studying for the exam almost all night+alcohol).

Anyway, I had to leave really early in the morning because I promised a friend I would help him move out, so I went away before she awoke and later during the day she called me to say she was sorry she was a bit drunk and that she didn't even hear me leaving.

Of course, what happened didn't leave me cold (don't know if it's a thing to say in English, my bad) and in the conversation I asked her if we could see each other in a while again, she said yes but that she also said she was not usually as demonstrative as she had been (but she also stated she really enjoyed the whole party) and that it could be nice to get to know each other better.

So I went back next Friday, we were just the two of us, and it was indeed way more quiet, we went to the cinema, walked around and had a drink and nice talks, the evening ended and we parted ways also knowing I would not see her for a while since she had a placement for university nearby the German border and that she would have a lot of work to do.

So far so good, we still talked on facebook and agreed to meet up on a Friday again to an art expo in Brussels.

But of course, two days before the expo, she didn't reply much anymore (which I can understand because placements in Belgian high schools are no fun and you get shit tons of work, I have been through there) and cancelled the plan in the morning claiming indeed she had much work to do.

I tried to take some news, asking if help was needed with her work, but I only get some small sentences back and "seen", so I didn't send anything anymore and didn't receive anything either for a few days now.

Of course she is probably overflooded with work, but she already was when she was talking to me a lot and it leaves me kinda sad wondering what I did wrong or if there is actually anything wrong with me or why you would give someone attention and then just ignore the shit out of them.

I kinda am sad/angry with myself at the moment because I had been an emotional wreck for a long time: the death of my dad when I was 16 from a very long brain cancer followed by a very bad break up with my ex alongside with financial difficulties because my mom lost her job with three kids in charge and massive gain weight has made me as a very closed and cynical person always using self-deprecating humor.

And now that I am fit again and that people actually tell me I look "handsome", that I look like a new person, that I got back on track with studies and that I am looking for work, I truly thought my confidence was back on again.

But that such a silly event (two dates and no more answers must've happened to tons of people) is actually able to open some emotional wounds so easily and makes question myself so badly leads me to wonder if dating is actually made for me.

I wish I was not overreacting so much and I also wish I didn't write an actual book about my life on a bariatric surgery forum but the whole thing actually kinda haunts me and right now. I actually wish I didn't take a step outside of my shell.

Congrats to anyone that was able to go through this uncoherent mess (English is not my native language ) of raw emotions, don't know what else to add... Cheers everyone.

[doxaholic 252]

Belgian guy i can't tell you what may have happened but you should not let this one incident take away from your confidence. You have overcome so much in life and were still able to get fit again. You were able to go out on a date and even a second date and she may or may not call you back but you can not let this one incident take so much control of your feelings, confidence, or life. Begian guy you are fit and handsome and going to a university which is probably filled with beautiful women. When you take a tumble you get back up and dust yourself off and get back at it again. You will be fine ☺

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[doxaholic 252]

Sgc sorry about the sold out tickets but you missed a prime opportunity to see if she would have liked doing something else instead. If your really into this girl just ask her if she would be interested in going out on a date. If she says no then you at least tried and not left with would've could've should've. If she says yes then hot damn you better figure out where your taking her.

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