New to dating

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I think different people are looking for different things. I would NOT be interested in someone to join him in transforming his life. I am perhaps jaded, but I want to know what I am getting into and a person in the middle of big changes might come out the other side a bit different. I will take it a step further, alot of people aren't who they say they are anyway. I don't think it is malicious lying but rather lack of true self examination.

I have not tried eharmony. I think when I am ready to try to meet someone again I will give it a go - I am sick of dating and actually want a serious relationship. In the meantime, I am going back to what I used to do - I am a member of a social group that listens to music, goes dancing etc where I don't feel awkward not having a "date".

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@CowgirlJane - before purchasing a membership, poke around and see how many active users you have in your area. I was surprised how few there were in OKC. Now if I lived in Dallas, I would have been fine. You see with eHarmony they are only going to match you with people who they think you are emotionally compatible with based on the personality test, so count on maybe 20% even being possible matches.

Further note about eHarmony, before you take the test get yourself in a really good mood, or don't be in a needy or bad mood when you do it. I'm not saying that you can "game" the system, but I do know that when I was applying for a job in sales, they wanted me to do a personality inventory, and I got myself in a "Zig Ziggler frame of mind." I did so well on the test they hired me in 10 minutes. I didn't think about that this when I tried eHarmony and noticed they people I were meeting were not great matches based on my long term goals, but dang there was a great deal of sex. (I know TMI, but it was bizarre that it was happening on every date, which is really what I'm not looking for long term).

[sgc 538]

I like eHarmony's system of approaching people but I'm not sure if I'm getting as many matches as I can. On Match there are 1,028 mutual matches within 20 miles of me. eHarmony gives me 50 within 30 miles. I'm not sure if eHarmony updates those daily?

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@sgc - its updated daily, but of those 50, some are likely inactive who may not have a current account and they stay up for at least a month before they come down.

[blu2020 79]

I am a girl ???? if you ever need to talk or ask questions i will totally help you. I am so non-judgmental. I am not a guru or anything but can definitely lend a girl ear or advice.

[stuart85 28]

Being a lifer on match or eharmony, even tried tinder with a real profile and swiped yes to literally every woman until I ran out of women and got three bogus matches. Online dating isn't for fatties, at least not for guys, women are just as shallow as guys, it's either that or women just don't like nice guys, sorry I don't beat you or leave you wondering where I am all the time. I've dated on and off again but nothing has ever worked out because I realized they weren't the one. I'm looking forward to losing my weight and finding the girl I deserve.

[blu2020 79]

Hey I have no problem finding dates and love when I find out dude is an ass after I have decided to date him. Being thin isn't going to change that. Don't think thin people don't hurt, they do.

[Daveo 485]

@@stuart85 yeah being a big guy on dating sites is not easy.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@stuart85/@Daveo - Everything in dating is challenging, but if the confidence and attitude is down it shows. Now I will admit it has been easier to get dates smaller, but finding the right one, and building a healthy relationship is still a challenge. So I would suggest that if the heart attitude is "I want a woman to affirm me" or "I want a cure for loneliness" it inevitably shows.

Hey if this guy could get women, anyone could. Of course I had the body of a god then (Buddha is a god isn't he?)

[sgc 538]

I think I have decided to wait until I lose more weight. It's not so much about attracting more women, but being to do things with them that I cannot do now. I'm still not sure if I would fit in a movie theater seat, at least comfortably, and I have to worry if I will fit in a booth at a restaurant. Maybe by next summer I'll have lost enough weight to do these things.

[stuart85 28]

I think I have decided to wait until I lose more weight. It's not so much about attracting more women, but being to do things with them that I cannot do now. I'm still not sure if I would fit in a movie theater seat, at least comfortably, and I have to worry if I will fit in a booth at a restaurant. Maybe by next summer I'll have lost enough weight to do these things.

amen

[blu2020 79]

Become friends with woman, don't give up on companionship. You are selling yourself short!

[fairee 82]

Let me share my experiences and my thoughts.

I have quite a bit of experience in the love market of life. I have been married 4 times and divorced 3 times.Currently I am separated from my 4th husband.

To me, looks weren't important at all! It was all about who they were. Unfortunately, both myself and the guys put on a false face when we met and then tried to keep a relationship going after that.We tried to "connect" and establish a friendship in the marriage but the cracks began to show very early on.

In examining my true self, I have realized that I saw what I wanted to see.

I have tried online dating, actually back in the days when it was on AOL. I would meet someone who was fun to talk to, seemed to have a lot in common, but boy oh boy when we met..... it seemed like it was a different man that I met! One was married! Many people posted pictures from 10 years ago. When I met, what turned me off was their dishonesty!

I posted my current picture and was mostly honest ;}

I had 2 great connections, not for a romantic relationship but for friendships that have lasted 15 years. Even through 2 of my marriages.

And what have I learned throughout all of this? I learned that a relationship can't be sustained if you lie to yourself and don't love yourself as you are! Once you accept yourself and love yourself then you are ready for love and a lasting relationship.

Slowly my husband and I are both learning to relate to each other as we truly are, not the idealized versions of ourselves from 10 years ago. He is my best friend and we are closer than ever. He supports me emotionally now and we connect more than ever. We are currently interacting only as friends and I prefer it this way. I'm not ready to explore a physical relationship with him again. It's not because of my body or wanting to see other men. It is because I'm not ready emotionally, I still am working on me.

I'm sorry this is long, but in a nutshell I guess I'm saying a relationship based on lies or idealized versions of people isn't a strong relationship. You need to accept who you are inside, not the outer shell. Don't focus on your weight, don't defeat yourself by saying that a woman can't see who you are because of your weight. Don't put a picture of who you are going to be in the future, but rather who you are now.

I wish you good luck in your future relationships and always remember that this forum is a great place to get advice and support from others!

[gowalking 10,790]

Good post @@fairee but I need to just remind folks that like it or not, some of us are different inside when the outside changes. Some changes are for the better, but not all.

For me...I know unequivocally that I am different at this weight than I was 145 lbs. heavier. Just now as a matter of fact, a colleague from the UK who I do not know, saw my coffee on my desk and asked where he could find the coffee machine. Was a time I'd direct him and not get up from my desk. Today I smiled and told him to follow me. He introduced himself and sure enough, I will be working with him down the road on an initiative I'm co-leading with another colleague.

So now I know who he is...and he knows who I am. He told me he was interested in talking to my group to get our input and now he can put a face to a name. These are good things in the business world. And we both found out we used to work for the same company years ago. Another connection.

I'm full of confidence these days...even if I'm faking it some of the time. And while I still have body issues, I understand that I am an attractive woman now...and if you think that doesn't matter, you're wrong. We'd like to think it doesn't...but it does. I see it all the time with my interactions with colleagues, some friends and family...strangers...and our romantic partners.

If you are not a confident person, it will be hard to find a good romantic partner. Not cocky...but confident. Even if you are heavy, confidence goes a long way. I went out with a man I was very attracted to because he was a confident man. His size was of no issue. I've also been married to a slim man...who unfortunately was not confident at all, and the marriage did not last.

I said it earlier, and I'll say it again...for the OP, therapy will only help you in this area...and in many others as well. Find out who you are first...and then you can find the person who enhances your life best.

[sgc 538]

I have seen a doctor and am on some anti-depressants. Seem to be working OK. I would say the real me is a thinner me. I didn't struggle with obesity until the past five years. In high school I was 220 and averaged about 250 through college. I was overweight but it was manageable. Then at age 25 it just fell apart, and before I know it, I'm 470 pounds.