New to dating

[sgc 538]

I'm 30 years old and I never really dated. I haven't had weight loss surgery, I'm trying to lose weight on my own without surgery and doing well. I've went from 470 to 430 in about two months. I'm not ready to meet women yet as I wanted to be under 300 before I do that. I'm not sure how to do it. I've always avoided socializing but I feel a big reason I gained so much weight was due to loneliness. I created an online account but didn't add any information or pictures, just wanted to look. I see a lot of women I am interested in but I have no idea how to introduce myself or what I should say. If it progresses to a date I have no idea what to do or where to go on a date. I don't know when I should kiss a woman or request a second date. I feel like I shouldn't need to be figuring this out at 30. This seems like something I should have learned in high school. Is there like a tutorial for this? I feel like it just gets harder to find someone after 30 and throw in the fact I have virtually no dating experience.

[Daveo 485]

Dating is not something I know much of, I have been in two relationships and they were women I met at work. Never went on dates with but relationship just happened. So I have no clue how to date. Now that I am wanting to date, I find myself not knowing what to put on my online profile and what to say to a woman either. For now I just see someone I am interested in and send a quick hello with some sort of comment on their profile. No responses yet so don't know how good that advice is. lol

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Here are some links to other parts of the site:

http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/336754-unsolicited-online-dating-advice/

http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/341947-the-science-of-attraction/

This is a very new world for you. Get a good counselor. You are more vulnerable than you know, you have been using fat as a metaphorical shield for a long time, be careful there are many bottom feeders who will do their damnist to derail your progress. As you lose weight, your confidence and self esteem will improve which will make you more attractive as you go.

Enjoy the process. It all works together, believe me.

[Debbie3sons 1,936]

Finally some guy's (Men) are posting in this forum thank you for being so brave & please post where you live what State so US Women & Men know just in case WE may want to PM you , I have a variable schedule but after so many years it's nice to be able to enjoy some one else's company every once in awhile or just go out once to have someone to talk & see how it goes .

[Sophie74656 1,572]

Try some dating websites. I know people still look down on online dating, but I met my husband online and we've been married for 10 years now

for me that was the best way to meet someone. I am very shy and we talked online a lot before meeting in person, so whe we met it wasn't like meeting a stranger, it was like meeting someone you've already had like 10 dates with

[sgc 538]

Finally some guy's (Men) are posting in this forum thank you for being so brave & please post where you live what State so US Women & Men know just in case WE may want to PM you , I have a variable schedule but after so many years it's nice to be able to enjoy some one else's company every once in awhile or just go out once to have someone to talk & see how it goes .

I live in the Detroit area. Luckily it's one of the most overweight regions in the country so I'm not alone.

Try some dating websites. I know people still look down on online dating, but I met my husband online and we've been married for 10 years now

for me that was the best way to meet someone. I am very shy and we talked online a lot before meeting in person, so whe we met it wasn't like meeting a stranger, it was like meeting someone you've already had like 10 dates with

I prefer online sites. I'm not a bar guy. I don't have any pick up lines and I'm not looking to score. I made a dummy account on Match so I could look around. I don't know what to say in a message to a woman. One of the hardest things for me to do is start conversation and it's the same with both men and women. I know if I message someone now she will see a 430 pound guy and my message will be deleted on sight. I was hoping to get to 300 pounds or less to seriously approach women online. That is likely a minimum of a year away so at least I can prepare before hand.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

I cant and wont give you specific dating advice, (ive been with my husband a long time ) but I will say good for you for trying something new ! Dating or meeting people isnt easy, but to start somewhere, you have to have some things to talk about, so start getting involved with some hobbies etc. You'll have "something " to put on your profile and/or things to talk about should you meet someone. Good luck !!

[gowalking 10,790]

After my divorce, I didn't date for 20 years. You think it's hard dating after 30? Try dating after 50...

I would also suggest you work with a professional. This dating thing is fraught with danger for us folks who scare easily. You need a tough skin and a therapist will help you to realize it's not about you most of the time, and you can't control what someone else does, or how they feel about you.

Know what you want. Don't overlook someone the first time around. I was lucky enough to have met a great guy online and was going to shoot him down initially as I was more interested in someone else. My therapist helped me to see that I was going after the one who would not be there for me and when I made him go away, I was able to focus on the better choice. We've been together since early May and finding that we enjoy spending time with each other the more we get to know each other.

As far as specifics about how to meet, or how to act on a first date...all I can do is suggest you go online and look for sites that meet your needs. And as far as a first date, I can only give you my opinion. Nothing more than a chaste kiss on the cheek or a short hug if you had a nice time. More than that is in my opinion, taking too much liberty.

Good luck!!

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

@@Daveo

You are lookin' good, son! Your new picture is great!

As for the dating thing, I am a firm believer in letting God help you, He made you, He made your soulmate. Now let Him put you together! It is called faith, and it works. All of the above mentioned suggestions and advice are awesome ways to start, but don't forget to call on the One who made you to find what you are looking for. "Ask and ye shall receive". Worked for me, and everytime I think about how a guy born in California, and a gal in New York met, married, and after almost 20 years are STILL married, it amazes me.

Everytime I tell our story, how I asked, and was given the man made for me (he is EXACTLY nine months - to the day - younger than I), I marvel at all the effort that went into finding him: I have moved over 40 times in my life, he over twenty, my being previously married and divorced, all the twists and turns throughout each of our lives, yet HERE WE ARE! Together, going through life's ups and downs (cancer has reared it's ugly head), still as in love and as strong in our commitment to each other as ever.

Faith and Trust in God....I can't say it enough. You will KNOW when it's right, without a doubt. Trust and Faith, give THEM a try!!!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

If you want some additional specific advice, ask away. I know it is really hard to get going on this topic and things are REALLY different over 50. I became single in my early 30s and that was EASY, even though I was obese, compared to what I experience now. Long story....

Anyway, I do want to re-emphasis the point about seeing a counselor. Dating and some of the people in it... can give you a real head trip. A specific example - I started seeing someone who was crazy about me. We did a ton of stuff together, similiar lifestyles etc. even though we didn't ever have a physically intimate relationship. I wasn't seeing anyone else at the time though - we spent alot of time together.

As time went on, and he became more emotionally invested some of his baggage reappaered. I came to realize this guy was NOT ready for an actual relationship. He realized it too... and apologized as he felt he had "lied" about his intentions. i dont think he lied, I think he was just not that self aware. I was in fact worried he was heading for some sort of emotional crash. This all went down many months ago and i considered myself lucky to have "dodged" getting seriously involved with someone who had a lot of emotional stuff to work through. Just this morning, I was perusing a dating website for grins(my profile is inactive as I am not actively seeking right now) and who do I see pop up - this guy again! What really annoyed me is he used a picture of himself on my horse in his profile. I suddenly started taking it very personally, felt rejected or whatever. Then I had to say...whoa, wait, hold on a minute... I know for a fact this guy has significant "work to do" on his inner self and I am lucky I didn't get sucked in.... why then am I feeling rejected? I had to slap myself and realize he is just repeating the pattern he is destined to do until he faces some things - not my circus, not my monkey! I am self reflective enough at this stage to process all that without a counselor, but I use it as an example to tell you how weird this online thing can be.

If you are low confidence, inexperienced, etc you might really feel hurt by the people who have issues (my example) and the frankly "users" that are out there in dating land. I have heard this from men, that they have met women who are finanancially or otherwise desparate and seek out someone to save them online. On my side, I have run into alot of men who are in a mid life crisis and just aren't good prospects for a real relationship. I have spent a couple of years casually dating and frankly at this point, don't want to play with players.

gowalking makes a great point too... you can get interested in the wrong person pretty easily that blocks you from meeting a better match.

I know it is always a gamble, but i am really only interested in getting to know someone if we have a chance of making a go of something that might last....

Right before I got rid of my profiles i met someone who persuaded me to keep seeing him. It is still very light and casual, and going okay, but what is really in my mind is to continue to get my own house in order and perhaps 2016 is my year that the winds of love blow my direction?

Kudos to you for getting out there and trying. It is really hard for all of us, but especially if you haven't been in relationships or dated. I find that dating sucks, but I am a relationship type of person and it seems you are expected to "date" to find that.

[newmebithebypass 713]

@@sgc check out the blog ask Dr nerdlove he has all sorts of articles for people in your situation you might find them helpful

[Daveo 485]

@@CanyonBaby Thank you! In that pic I was trying on new clothes at the big and tall. Can't wait until I don't have to shop there anymore!

[sgc 538]

I'm not really worried necessarily about finding someone at age 30, but rather my inexperience is going to show and scare off women. I feel like there is more pressure as a man as I suppose I'm expected to lead the date and ask the girl out. Is this dated thinking?

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Interesting question. Here is my basic advice if you are doing the online thing. Exchange a few messages, maybe talk or text or whatever she wants to do.... it is very important that women don't get "scared off" but they also like to be pursued to some extent. It is a fine line.

Anyway, in a reasonable period of time... that might be a few days... might be a few weeks... depending on the persons involved and ASK HER to meet you in a public place for a walk, or a cup of coffee... something that a person only committs about 20-30 minutes to. I always appreciate it when a man suggests the meeting and place and activity and is sensitive to the fact that I will feel safer if it is during the day, in public etc.

So, if things go well, maybe you follow that walk up with a lunch, or some activity that you enjoy. Nothing stressful, just something easy going that gives you a chance to feel comfortable. Maybe it doesn't feel right to do anything right that same day... but if you are interested maybe say something like "I'd like to see you again. Would you like to go out for XXX (music, dinner, pick something you like and you think she will be comfortable with).

The worst thing that could happen is she says no. You have to just accept that risk, not take it personally and move on to the next prospect. If you DON'T ask, you might be missing out on something kinda cool!

I'm not really worried necessarily about finding someone at age 30, but rather my inexperience is going to show and scare off women. I feel like there is more pressure as a man as I suppose I'm expected to lead the date and ask the girl out. Is this dated thinking?

[Sophie74656 1,572]

when my husband and I met in person, we met at the mall in front of a store that we agreed upon beforehand. That way I figured we could get some lunch in the food court and it could be quick if I didn't feel comfortable