How can I get my family in my corner?

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Some families have so many internal power struggles going on among the members -- between generations, siblings, in-laws and others. When I read here about some of the challenges WLS patients struggle with they remind me of nothing more than Jane Goodall's studies of extended-family colonies of chimps.

Trying to become more evolved, more civilized human beings, rather than mere primates, requires us to step outside the political squabbles that we have been trapped in ever since we were born. Sometimes simply refusing to play the old games can give us a tremendous amount of fresh power to focus on our own development.

Just imagine all the energy you will save by no longer playing those old games, which are probably rigged in others' favor anyway.

Find your own way.

[Bandora 136]

I'm sorry that they are not being supportive and unfortunately you cant always "bring them to the other side" . As many have posted before, education and information is the best way to sway a negative opinion. If this doesn't work, they simply may never change their mind. You have to follow your surgeons recommendation as well as trust your gut feeling. Sometimes there is jealously and other issues that go deeper than the actual procedure. I wish you the best !

[Halfagain 68]

In 2001 when I had my lap band placed, I remember my Mom asking why I couldn't just pretend I had the band and eat like that. Bless her, she was serious. It was her pull yourself up by the bootstrap attitude. (I can't hardly bend enough to reach them these days, let alone pull myself up). After much explaining, and more so after the surgery was done, she came around and was a big supporter. Mom passed away a year and a half ago, but I know she would support me in my revision to a sleeve (even if it had to be after I had it done to get there).

Best wishes to you. I'm glad you have a plan in place.

[tamirn 90]

Im kinda in the same boat. I just have to accept that i may have to go though this ALOne!!! Hunny you are doing this for you so not to be mean but screw what anyone else thinks

[toler48 120]

I disagree, you are not alone! You have all of us!! Keep that in mind!

[con con 142]

I would focus on you. I've been on my own since I was 16. My life my life's decisions not my family. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but you are your own person. You are allowed yours especially when you are attempting to improve your life. Focus on your decision and just allow them to be family. Period. They have no room in your life's destiny. Sounds like they need some hobbies one that doesn't include you if they are coming form negativity. I made the decision for my surgery and only told my primary dr. And my boyfriend. It wasn't anyone else's business.

[BarrySue 602]

If someone is a destructive force in your life, cut them out of it. It is not your duty or obligation to convince unsupportive people to stop being jerks in what is an incredibly important life-altering decision. Enlist the aid of a friend, and don't rely on your family for support.

[tamirn 90]

If someone is a destructive force in your life, cut them out of it. It is not your duty or obligation to convince unsupportive people to stop being jerks in what is an incredibly important life-altering decision. Enlist the aid of a friend, and don't rely on your family for support.

Love this comment so on POINT

[tamirn 90]

I disagree, you are not alone! You have all of us!! Keep that in mind!

Thank u

[Terri Lynn1383837796 139]

I had a few family members that were scared for me...I appreciated their concern and did it! I have never looked back...should have done it years ago!!!

[Chanti_ 27]

...., but I don't really understand why that caused you to reschedule your surgery. Its YOUR decision.

It was because I am a single mother of 4 children and without my families help, I wouldn't have anyone to take care of my kids (the youngest is only 2) for the 3 or 4 days I will be in the hospital. They threw such a stink and basically everyone who would have been able to watch them, refused to help because they were against the surgery. I now have a different plan set in place for the kids instead of relying on family. (First surgery date was much sooner than expected so I didn't have time to make the preparations in advance and needed my family to help), I also work for the family business, so I was getting a hard time about taking the time off because last year I broke my tail bone and was off work for almost 10 weeks, There was a lot to it. While they aren't on board with me still, they at least are keeping their mouths shut (aside from the constant barrage of, "you should try this diet with me!").

Thank you

So it's not just that they don't support you and your choices about your health, They are actively sabotaging you. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I hope you have someone supporting you through this process it's not easy and we all need encouragement from time to time.

[♥dreamable 189]

UPDATE TIME!!!! (I'm sorry I cannot respond to each of you individually now, but I was reading every single comment and you all helped so much and are so supportive, it really touched my heart- so much great advice!)

The last time I rescheduled my surgery (around when I wrote the original post) I was talking to my sister on the phone. My sister has been my rock. Her philosophy and she has always told me this, "I am supporting you no matter what your choice is. I don't know what you go through and it's your life and your choice and I support you, no matter what you do!" So we were talking and I was unsure if I was going to cancel my surgery or not. I REALLY needed to get my ducks in a row with my time of work (from the FAMILY business) and with childcare. I could manage between myself and my kids after I was home, it was just the part about while I was in the hospital and then someone who could help drive while I was still unable to after surgery.

I was just very unsettled about keeping my date and I was very unsettled about rescheduling it AGAIN. Also, because of all of the rescheduling and cancelling and family conflict, I had gained nearly 40lbs since March (when my original surgery was) having food funerals. I was feeling a bit depressed. So anyway, back to my story. I was telling my sister on the phone that I just didn't know what to do and her reply was that she couldn't make the decision for me. We went over the pro's and con's. Then she said she would talk to my family with me and basically they could either support me, or not, but she wanted to help me educate them.

Since I couldn't decide to keep my date or not, she jokingly said that I should do what her and her husband always do (seriously, if they can't agree on something- they use this method- the only rule: whatever the outcome is, they have to stick with it), flip a coin. I laughed and then said, "Do you have a coin?" (I was sitting at my desk in my office and didn't have one near me).

So------- she flipped a coin--- and it landed on Tails, which I had picked was "reschedule surgery for 30 days out- get things in order and tell everyone that's the date, no more changing or anything- support me or get out of my way" lol

So I rescheduled it- only there was nothing available in 30 days, I had to wait until October 19th.

Soooooo my sister helped relay this to my family (because I wasn't really talking to many of them at this point). Just this actually helped some of them creep closer to being more supportive of my surgery. I was talking to my mom again, although I never brought up my surgery to her, I just kept it to other topics. I cut out all caffeine and was trying to eat better so I wouldn't gain anymore weight having food funerals. It was a huge wake up call on my end to get ALL of my sh** in order before my surgery.

So 2 weeks before my surgery (actually the morning of my pre-op class) one of my cousins (about my age and a mother of 6) unexpectedly passed away. This was DEVASTATING to our family. It was such a huge shock and such a sad and heartbreaking loss, especially for her beautiful 6 children and my aunt and uncle. That morning I went to my sisters house because we were all upset over the news and my uncle was over. I broke down and told them I didn't know what to do- I really felt like I should go with them out to my aunt and uncles to be with them for the day and not go to my class (knowing if I didn't go to my class, they wouldn't let me have my surgery and it would have to be rescheduled). I felt like I was being so selfish, all things considered. They told me, like always, they couldn't make the decision for me, but that I had worked hard to get to this point, and that they would all be there and so would a lot of other people, that it was OK if I didn't go.

So I chose to go to my pre-op class, even though, I was crying almost the entire time, and wasn't even really "there". (Thank goodness we got print-outs of each of the power point slides LOL) At some point during the chaos of that day, my mom and step-dad told my uncle why I wasn't there (I should add, this uncle is the uncle who previously had a sleeve done!) My aunt and uncle completely understood me going to the class and my uncle talked to them about my surgery.

They did a complete 180. I am not sure if it was the timing, or if it was just because my mom needed her brother to explain it (I seriously told my mom everything he did) but my mom finally LISTENED and when she heard it was the same surgery my uncle had and everything- she was totally fine with it. Her and my step-dad talked to me, and they expressed how they wished I wasn't choosing to have surgery done, but that they were completely supportive of my decision and would help me in anyway they could.

My grandparents still aren't supportive, but I just don't talk about it with them. They are in their late 80's and they have never been overweight, honestly they just aren't ever going to understand. However, they still are there for me, and supportive and help anyway they can, but we just don't talk about my surgery.

So like I said at the beginning, I had my surgery on October 19th, and my mom was there by my side cheering me on! My family all came together to help watch my kids and get them to soccer and band and youth group and everything else. My surgery went AWESOME! With the exception of the day of the funeral, I followed my pre-op diet EXACT for the entire 2 weeks I was on it. The sleeve surgery and hernia repair went awesome. I was SUPER sick during recovery, but they gave me so many meds, I went back to sleep and don't remember anything else until I was back in my regular room later. My mom and grandparents were there for support during that time.

They made me get up and walk every 4 hours. I made it a personal challenge to myself, that each time I got up to walk, I would go one more lap around the floor. By the next day I was up to 6 laps. The nurses were floored and told me most of the people didn't even manage 1/2 a lap at a time. I was feeling AWESOME after my surgery (and seriously after having 4 c-sections, this surgery felt like nothing!) I went home the next day. The fact that I was doing so well seemed to be a HUGE surprise to my family, I think they all honestly thought it was going to be like my c-sections where you can hardly move for 2 weeks. By the weekend I was off my pain meds and taking my kids to their soccer tournament, making them meals etc.

I went back to work the next Monday (exactly 7 days after my surgery). I still take it easy, and one of my incisions is still sore, but I feel so great. My mom complimented me the other day on how I have a glow about me now, where I am just radiating. My mom and my step-dad have become my biggest cheerleaders! My kids are being awesome about it, and it's been a great learning experience for us so far!

I did find it cute that all of my nieces and nephews thought I would come home from the hospital skinny. My sister told me they asked, "will she look the same when she gets home?" lol

Sorry for the wall of text!

TL;DR - Flipped a coin, rescheduled surgery for the last time, now mom is my biggest cheerleader!

Edited October 29, 2015 by ♥dreamable

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

Congrats!

[newmebithebypass 713]

awesome its so nice to have family in your corner. i totally get working at the family business and when i have my surgery i know they will want me to take off as much as i need but honestly ill just have to take it day by day because my pattern seams to be feel fine 3-4 days after surgery then i feel wiped out until the healing is finished

[marcossleeve 8]

Wonderful ! That's what I say to myself , my wife and others that are going thru the same thing like us, stay the course, stay strong,it's 99% mental !!!