Extramarital temptations...

[Lallylocks 111]

Hey ladies...I've found myself in an interesting, complicated, exciting situation...

Background: 36 years old, HW 374, sleeved Sept. 24, 2014 at 327. Current weight 203. In a common-law relationship 5 years.

I've struggled a little in this relationship with attractions to other men and have come close to acting on them...well I guess have crossed the line a bit, but stopped short of actually bumping uglies with anyone else. At times I feel frustrated with my partner...he doesn't talk about his feelings much even when I ask very specific questions, he sweats the small stuff so much it makes me crazy, the sex is decent, he is not able to participate in the kind of intellectual discussion I crave. I do love him very much though.,We moved to a new place far from my lifelong home 3 years ago. I have had a harder time making real friends than I anticipated, largely due to the shiftwork my job requires. The best friend I have made here is a man who works in the same general field as me, but not with me. I have had a passing attraction to him from the moment I met him. At some point in my weight loss journey I admitted as much. Our friendship has always been a very open, no holds barred type. This spring and summer we became increasingly flirtatious and then nearly did cross a line. Once this happened there was no going back. The temptation was too strong. I wound up suggesting an open arrangement with my partner, offering him a "hall pass" but not actually directly saying I wanted one. I told him I love him desperately and want to spend my life with him, and never want to betray his trust or hurt him. He declined the offer, but told me to do whatever I want, just not to tell him. Soooo, I have been enjoying a "friends with benefits" situation with my friend. It's working very well for me in terms of meeting my physical and mental needs. I am so happy, and less frustrated with my partner...but part of me feels guilty.

I guess what I want to know is have others struggled with increased confidence and energy, the surging hormones released by fat loss, and outside temptations? I'm not alone in this? Thanks.

[parisshel 1,892]

I would suspect you are not alone, and it sounds to me like you've asked for what you need and have been given it. There are many people who live in these types of arrangements (let me state that I'm not one of them, but I totally understand those that have them). Hey, Europeans have been doing this since the earth cooled.

Where it could get even more complicated is:

1) You secondary partner (the work guy) will not want to share you with your primary partner and you'll have to make a choice

2) You will find that emotionally and physically you can't balance the two relationships

3) Your primary partner, who has given you a green light to see other men, decides that this is not tolerable and will come to resent the situation. He may not express this outright (since you state he doesn't discuss his feelings) but he'll make you pay for it in subtle ways.

In any case, how this moves forward will reveal itself in time, of that I'm certain.

In answer to your last question, statistically WLS patients end up leaving a relationship in which there were issues prior to WLS. I can't remember what the statistic was precisely, and I'm too lazy to Google it, but this happens. We decide we are worth more, and/or we settled and now want more, or (as in my case) the fierceness acquired by the weight loss just transfers over into other areas of our lives and makes us willing to take the risks necessary to having the life we've always wanted.

[newmebithebypass 713]

both me and my hubby are prone to poly or open relationships the only thing holding us back is our weight because we are both morbidly obese but were looking to expand our relationship. so being attracted to other people and loving your partner can and does happen but not discussing the details is a mistake. you need complete and total honesty in open relationships jelousy is a nasty beast when it rears its ugly head

[magicalwoman 190]

I have to chime in here. After being the wife of a cheating husband (three times) I can say if you don't want to be in a committed relationship then LEAVE.

My husband and I have been to years of therapy, I told him early on LEAVE, DO NOT DO THIS TO ME.

It has been years since that all happened. I love him dearly, completely trust him, yes, but there are times the devil's child perches on my shoulder and puts thoughts in my head.

An open relationship will only lead to vast problems down the road.

In my opinion you are in or out. Nothing wrong with being out, but don't deceive!

[Elode 8,093]

Nope, hasn't happened. Good luck with that though. I'm married so there's no way in this world I would allow or tolerate a "don't ask don't tell" kind of relationship. I'd rather be alone than be in something like. You will never find one person who will completely satisfy every cell in your body. Trust and respect play a huge role in my relationship. I wouldn't trust or respect my husband if he even thought about doing something like that. I wouldn't stay with a man that thought it was ok for me to do something like that either, it shows an extremely lack of self respect for ones self to allow someone to do that to you. Self confidence is a very attractive quality to me. I defiantly wouldn't want to be with a man who thought it was ok to do that to another man either, that's not a man in my opinion and not the kind of person I would seek to have any kind of relationship with. If he'll do it with you he will do it TO YOU! My morals wouldn't allow something like that. Hey that's just me though. We all have to live our own lives, do you.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

One of these days we are going to have a frank conversation about the idea of monogamy. It is a universal failure. What percentage of people do you know have only had 1 partner for life? Nearly everyone is a serial polygamous when you think about it. The idea that one person will always be sexually, intellectually compatible with you your entire life is mathematically improbable. The only options are:

1) Get divorced and give up half your stuff and break up all your relationships

2) Quietly cheat, hope you don't get caught and live a double life.

3) Live in quiet desperation, deprivation and misery.

I think there is another option, which requires a serious change in people's views of sex and relationships. We need to really start to ask ourselves where this idea came from. How much of it was designed to control women. Who are the sex experts we have been listening to anyway? (Most, like Dr. Kellogg [who was a closeted homosexual, but his ideas still out there] were really screwed up people). Its a serious conversation that needs to be had.

Edited September 14, 2015 by OKCPirate

[tssiemer 85]

I sooooo understand!!! I have a work guy too that I am sooo attracted to I think he's attracted to me too and probably will be even more as I lose weight after the surgery. He knows about the surgery and supports me 10000000000%. He'll text me throughout the day and ask how I'm doing. He's literally always there. My husband is supportive but he never asks how it's going or how I'm doing or how I'm feeling. When I begin to talk about it he just looks so bored. He's only interested in sports right now. It's frustrating. I can barely get him to talk to me for 10 minutes and he and my mom can talk about baseball for an hour. I tried to get into sports. I'm into basketball and football but I just can't do baseball. It's frustrating. He knows about work guy and him supporting me and says he's ok with it since he's not "that available" whatever that means but he doesn't know about the attraction.

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[Elode 8,093]

[Babbs 14,681]

This isn't a "morals" question. If your SO is able to look the other way without having any reservations about what's going on, so be it. Consenting adults and such.

Just don't be surprised when the situation turns ugly and complicated. I've seen very few of these "arrangements" where both parties are actually open enough to not let those pesky "feelings" get in the way.

As long as you both understand the consequences of your actions, by all means, carry on.

[Babbs 14,681]

@@OKCPirate

I get what you are saying. I really do.

But destroying the trust of someone by "quietly cheating" is never okay. And besides, women know. They may be in denial about it, but in hindsight, they always knew. Nothing "quiet" about it.

[tssiemer 85]

Well monogamy was always designed to control women. Kinds had their queens and mistresses. Queens never had a lover. What is a male mistress even called? Nothing because there is no word for it. There was even "an official mistress" title for kings. Look it up. Henry the 8th was notorious for it.

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[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@Babbs - I agree, these are not easy conversations for society nor couples, but for far too long the conversation has been dominated by Victorian Prudes and Irresponsible/Idealistic Libertines as the two extremes. I don't think either view is realistic.

Two very interesting books worthy of consideration in the conversation:

Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What it Means for Modern Relationships

Why Women Have Sex

The Pill has allowed us to talk about sex outside of "you will get pregnant" though shall not, and women are getting tired of "sl*t shaming" so maybe it's possible to actually start talking about how this makes people feel.

Edited September 14, 2015 by OKCPirate

[BigViffer 3,544]

Well monogamy was always designed to control women. Kinds had their queens and mistresses. Queens never had a lover. What is a male mistress even called? Nothing because there is no word for it. There was even "an official mistress" title for kings. Look it up. Henry the 8th was notorious for it.

Oh my, not only is that untrue but there are some famous examples!

Queen Victoria, Marie of Romania, Marie Antoinette, Catherine the Great... it goes on and on!

As for a male mistress, I think the word would be Paramour or Cavalier, but I can't remember my college Renaissance era classes 20 years on! I think gigolo might be close, but it is closer to a prostitute than a mistress or concubine.

As for the OP, this is an intensely personal issue and I don't think that anyone is going to have a situation that is exactly the same as anyone else's. There will be some judging on this thread, just be warned. Me personally, I would never do it nor condone it. But if someone else does it and it doesn't affect me, meh.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I'm a "situational ethics" kind of girl. There are few behaviors and decisions I find to be universally righteous or sinful. (Funny words, those.)

Just as with all other behaviors and lifestyles, it depends on the people, the society they live in, their families, their friends, their intelligence (intellectual and emotional), their patience, their style, and their luck.

I simply don't think I could pull it off. For one thing, this would be a deal breaker for my husband, whom I adore and cannot imagine living without. He'd leave me. Plus, it would wound him horribly. And I would destroy the life I love.

But all that has nothing to do with the OP's decisions and actions. Everything that happens to her is on her.

[Sharon1964 2,530]

I have close friends in open relationships, some in closed poly relationships, some in open poly relationships, some in closed triads, etc.

When someone brings up this topic (usually with some degree of horror), I always tell them that we must each make our own choices, and what is right for one person isn't necessarily right for another. Maybe the OP's man really is okay with her having her needs met elsewhere, as long as he is getting what he needs out of his relationship with her. Some people really don't feel jealousy. Some people don't feel jealousy if their needs are being met.