I'm tired, this is hard, waaaaaaaaaa

[bellabloom 2,467]

I'm feeling.... Tired. Wls surgery has been a hard road for me. And I'm scared too.

It's all too much to write here but suffice to say I've had a complicated path. I now have a sleeve and I also have a stricture in the middle of my sleeve. I've had it dilated once.

I'm pretty much at goal. My goal keeps dropping. I'm scared to stop trying to lose. I thought 125 was my goal but now it's 115. I'm pretty sure that's as low as I'll go. I'm TERRIFIED of regain and of falling back into old habits and patterns.

My stricture makes it very difficult for me to eat many things. I didn't do well with vegetables and meats. For months I thre up everything I ate!! Now I've discovered to my horror that Taco Bell, for some reason, most of the time stays down. I can sometimes eat a small salad or some Pasta, a few bites of a sandwich. I can eat tuna and cheeses.. It's hit or miss. I throw up about half my food, down from 90% of my food.

My doctor wants to do another dilation but a part of me likes how restricted I am. It feels like a safety net. And yet when I'm forced to eat Taco Bell or other carb rich slider foods, I don't like it. I want to be able to eat a salad and meat! But I don't trust myself to eat those things. The stricture really keeps me in check.

But I'm tired. I'm tired of throwing up all the time, of never knowing if something is going to stay down.

I'm falling into eating some of the things I used to eat like Bagels, sandwiches, eating out a lot.... It frightens me. I won't gain now because my portions are so small but someday that could change.

I don't know what I want it do. But I'm tired. Really tired. This isn't easy.

[pindoctor 49]

Keep up the good work and sorry to hear you are having complications. I am 9 days post op and doing well although I haven't pushed myself that hard physically. I felt compelled to answer you because I was feeling guilty today about slipping a bit and having a few bites of chocolate chip cookie dough. Just enjoy that your sleeve is working well and preventing you from overeating. From your description it sounds like perhaps you are eating too much carbohydrate. Try to up the Proteins a bit. Good luck!

[_Kate_ 2,224]

I can't really offer any advice bella but just wanted to say try to not to get hooked up on liking how restricted you feel. You are probably feel tired because you aren't getting the nutriants from food, that you need to be getting. I really hope you and your Dr can resolve this so you can start feeling better and have more energy. Perhaps some therapy would help? Best of luck

~~Hugs~~

[Daisee68 2,493]

Go get the second dilation! I had 2 about 1 week apart and I cannot even begin to express how much better I feel. You are potentially losing nutrients if you are vomiting. You will still have restriction. You just won't have food backing up in to your esophagus. You are at goal which is amazing! Get this physical complication behind you so you can focus on eating a healthy diet and not fear of what you can keep down. I understand you are tired of this! No wonder if you have been dealing with this so long! I'm just 3 months post-op and was tired of dealing with it so I can only imagine how hard it is to be so far out and dealing with it. So very sorry you have had so many issues but Girl, you made it to goal which is to be celebrated! You did that! You can absolutely make good choices once you are healthy. Best wishes! Hugs! And promise you will call Monday to schedule your next dilation. ????

[Babbs 14,681]

Keep up the good work and sorry to hear you are having complications. I am 9 days post op and doing well although I haven't pushed myself that hard physically. I felt compelled to answer you because I was feeling guilty today about slipping a bit and having a few bites of chocolate chip cookie dough. Just enjoy that your sleeve is working well and preventing you from overeating. From your description it sounds like perhaps you are eating too much carbohydrate. Try to up the Proteins a bit. Good luck!

I always have to laugh to myself when someone who is at goal or below basically is proclaiming the beginnings of or already have a full on eating disorder and posters are always like "Wow you look great! Keep up the great work!"

Enjoy the restriction?? She has a STRICTURE that keeps her from eating properly for God's sake!

SMH

[Babbs 14,681]

@@bellabloom

Get your stricture fixed. The idea of the surgery is to get healthy and continue to eat and be healthy, not to see how skinny you can get. You can't possibly feel well at this point when you can barely eat protien and when you do eat certain things you throw them up. That's no way to live. Go talk to someone about your fears about gaining, too. They can help you navigate through getting to a healthy point in your maintenence process.

It's time to take care of yourself.

[AvaFern 3,516]

I didn't realize a stricture could develop once you were so far out from surgery. I'm 2 years out and at about the year mark I started barfing up a good portion of what I ate. I still puke a solid 50% of the time although I'm never quite sure if it is because maybe I ate too fast or too much, since I figured I was past the point where there were any major complications. I will be honest though, I probably won't go find out because I like not being able to eat a lot. The vast majority of bad for me food (oils, fats, milk, sugar, and anything covered in that stuff) tends to make me sick and I've taken the curse as kind of a blessing. I maintain at the weight I'm at now without a ton of effort and like you I am also terrified of regaining. So...even though I'm not sure if I have a stricture or just a picky sleeve, I can appreciate that you don't really feel great.

[Daisee68 2,493]

The FEAR of regain is real. I get that. In fact, just this morning (before reading this post), I was thinking I needed to talk to my therapist at my next appt on Tuesday on how to beat this. We have talked about it before, and she just keeps reminding me this is one day at a time. Fear has controlled my life for WAY too long and I have no intention of allowing it to continue. I want to enjoy a new healthy life, not be in fear of losing it. That is no better to me than the trap of this unhealthy body and running to food for comfort that I have lived in most of my life. This journey is about becoming a new healthy person - mind ad body, not about a diet and getting skinny.

Eating disorder is also very real. We can easily shift from overeating to undereating. Do not fall into that trap. Please go see a therapist.

FYI, stricture occurring this late is unusual; however; it can occur. There was someone else that just posted in the last week or so about getting a stricture at 18 months out.

[bellabloom 2,467]

Keep up the good work and sorry to hear you are having complications. I am 9 days post op and doing well although I haven't pushed myself that hard physically. I felt compelled to answer you because I was feeling guilty today about slipping a bit and having a few bites of chocolate chip cookie dough. Just enjoy that your sleeve is working well and preventing you from overeating. From your description it sounds like perhaps you are eating too much carbohydrate. Try to up the Proteins a bit. Good luck!

I'm not trying to be mean, but I'm concerned about you already slipping on something so sugary so soon! Be careful and stick to your decision. Cookie dough is not a welcome thing in your life any longer!!!

[bellabloom 2,467]

@@bellabloom

Get your stricture fixed. The idea of the surgery is to get healthy and continue to eat and be healthy, not to see how skinny you can get. You can't possibly feel well at this point when you can barely eat protien and when you do eat certain things you throw them up. That's no way to live. Go talk to someone about your fears about gaining, too. They can help you navigate through getting to a healthy point in your maintenence process.

It's time to take care of yourself.

I do see a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. I had one before I had wls and it's still something I am dealing with. I don't want to look anorexic, I don't want to look skeletal, but the fear of regaining and the relief I feel when I see my weight go down is hard to deal with. I've had an eating disorder for years so it's not surprising that it's still an issue.

For me the surgery was a must, I had crippling back and foot pain and my weight was escalating like crazy. I was eating out of control and I was going to continue gaining. I knew that this surgery could trigger my eating disorder and it has. Anyway, hence the therapist.

I know I need to get more Protein and less carbs and I really want to stop throwing up. I'd like to live without worry and get to a place where I can eat and enjoy and not worry.

This is a physical journey for us but also a mental and emotional one. It's a journey I am on to try and find balance and health and happiness.

[bellabloom 2,467]

The FEAR of regain is real. I get that. In fact, just this morning (before reading this post), I was thinking I needed to talk to my therapist at my next appt on Tuesday on how to beat this. We have talked about it before, and she just keeps reminding me this is one day at a time. Fear has controlled my life for WAY too long and I have no intention of allowing it to continue. I want to enjoy a new healthy life, not be in fear of losing it. That is no better to me than the trap of this unhealthy body and running to food for comfort that I have lived in most of my life. This journey is about becoming a new healthy person - mind ad body, not about a diet and getting skinny.

Eating disorder is also very real. We can easily shift from overeating to undereating. Do not fall into that trap. Please go see a therapist.

FYI, stricture occurring this late is unusual; however; it can occur. There was someone else that just posted in the last week or so about getting a stricture at 18 months out.

I've had the structure since the day I had surgery. I've never been able to eat correctly. I had surgery in March so I've been dealing with this for 7 months.

[bellabloom 2,467]

The FEAR of regain is real. I get that. In fact, just this morning (before reading this post), I was thinking I needed to talk to my therapist at my next appt on Tuesday on how to beat this. We have talked about it before, and she just keeps reminding me this is one day at a time. Fear has controlled my life for WAY too long and I have no intention of allowing it to continue. I want to enjoy a new healthy life, not be in fear of losing it. That is no better to me than the trap of this unhealthy body and running to food for comfort that I have lived in most of my life. This journey is about becoming a new healthy person - mind ad body, not about a diet and getting skinny.

Eating disorder is also very real. We can easily shift from overeating to undereating. Do not fall into that trap. Please go see a therapist.

FYI, stricture occurring this late is unusual; however; it can occur. There was someone else that just posted in the last week or so about getting a stricture at 18 months out.

I love what you say about it not being about weight as much as living a healthy life in all ways. I get way too fixated on numbers. I can't even connect the number to what I see in the mirror. It doesn't seem to matter how thin I look, I'm more concerned with the scale shows. I know it's really unhealthy. My therapist and I discuss it all the time.

I don't want to live in fear either and I am. I so relate to what your saying. Why did I do this if only to live in the same sort of fear prison.

Having an eating disorder is one of the most difficult mental illnesses to live with. I've struggled with this since I was in college and it's hugely affected my life. It was a risk doing this surgery because of this issue I have, I knew it could go the other way and trigger anorexia when I did the surgery which is why I've been seeing a therapist the whole time.

It's not that I want to hurt myself or be unhealthy. My therapist says fear of regain is really common especially for someone like me.

I feel better today anyhow. Not sure what I'm going to do about the structure. Having the one dialation made it so much better than it was and I hate to have another surgical procedure as I've already had five surgeries this year. I am able to eat a lot of the time now and I'm going to keep working on it.

Edited September 12, 2015 by bellabloom

[tssiemer 85]

Ok. What's a stricture?

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[Babbs 14,681]

Good luck sweetie. I hope you figure it all out. Keep us posted!

[Babbs 14,681]

@@tssiemer

Where the sleeve gets a little twisted and parts of it are constricted....