Going through surgery single

[Shainadelphia 69]

Until recently, I had been in an 18 year relationship, married for 10 of them.

Sadly, part of the reason the marriage ended was my huge weight gain.

I've read a lot of posts about amazing and supportive partners/spouses and I wonder what it is like to go through this alone. I do have close friends but it's just not the same and most of them live other places. Where did you get your support? Does it feel lonely? I have to admit one of the big reasons I'm doing this surgery is so I can find a partner again. (Where I live in NYC no one would touch me with a 10 foot pole (or anyone for that matter, unless they are a size 6 (?) or below!))

Anyway just looking for inspiration from some others!

[tssiemer 85]

I don't think I've ever been a size 6 in my life. Where do you live?

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[Bufflehead 6,358]

I had surgery and went through recovery and all that as a single person. In a way, it's good. There isn't anyone hanging around to sabotage your efforts, make critical comments, eat ice cream in front of you, or bring pizza home. You can eat whatever you want without worrying about whether your partner wants something else. If you want to work out at three in the morning with the music blaring, go for it. If you want to spend your money on the most expensive Protein powders, workout clothes, and digital kitchen scales available, no one is going to argue with you and tell you that you should be spending money on Nintendo games or HBO subscriptions instead.

I guess I am by nature an independent person -- generally, the fewer people hanging around to bother me, demand compromises from me, and expect me to spend my time and energy accommodating their needs, the better. Yes, there is a reason I am single -- for starters, I like it!

I had the support of my medical team and my close friends and family. That was more than enough for me.

[LessOfMe0503 157]

I went/am going through the process single. I had lap band on Aug 4. I have an 8 year old son. I have the world's best family, friends and coworkers. I was very public with my decision and got so much support. There was some negativity... I just walked away from it.

I get tons of support from here and a fb group of people who banded the same month I did. Since we all started at the same time, we are going through things together.

I would guess that in a city like NYC, there would be support groups that meet. Those would probably be good places to start.

[paintergirl 41]

I too am single. I'm 16 days post op. I do get lonely from time to time. My social life is pretty nonexistent right now, but I hope that changes soon. I just try to stay positive and look at the big picture. I keep telling myself that I have to love "me" and focus on "me" right now before I try to let someone else back in my life. Do this for YOU and YOU only! You deserve that and hopefully the happiness that it will bring you. I'll be glad to chat anytime

[Shainadelphia 69]

Thanks for the support - I guess I am not a very independent person - or at least I haven't been for the last 18 years of my life! This seems like very scary decision and process to do alone.

I do need to join some face to face support groups - and of course use this amazing site as a resource.

Thanks!

[FocusOnMeNow 599]

Hi! I am about 2 and 1/2 weeks out. I recently went through a break up of my own. I decided when it was over that I was going to start taking care of ME and focusing on me (hence the screen name). I did not do the surgery to meet someone else's narrow expectations, but rather for my health. Around the same time of the breakup I went to visit my 87 year old dad in the hospital which was further motivating for me not to wind up in the same place. I decided then and there I was going to take care of myself and my own health now that I didn't have to care for the other person's health issues. I started going to weekly therapy and after about 4 weeks of that I decided that weight loss surgery was the way to go, and THE BEST THING I COULD DO to take care of myself.

While you may feel now that the marriage ended because of the weight gain, do not be surprised if what you find is that you gained the weight because of a marriage that did not meet your needs. My mom even made a snarky but true comment to me that if I was "really" happy that I would be losing not gaining weight (when I was in the relationship). One of the things I am working on this year is getting my needs met without being in a relationship and then at some point seeing if there is someone who fits into the life I choose, rather than twisting myself into a pretzel to fit into someone else's life. And in all honesty, I'm sick of being such a martyr. It was exhausting. Now that I'm off the sugar and caffeine rollercoaster, I have a lot more energy too.

At the beginning of my journey I felt resentful that I had to go through this surgery "alone" when I had "been there" for him through many health issues of his own. My sister came to stay with me during the week of surgery, and my neighbors have been great looking after my pets when I was in the hospital, and helping me carry in "groceries" ie liquids that I could not lift post-op. Everyone I work with who knows has also been extremely supportive. Honestly, I have never felt so loved and cared for in my life, and want to know why? Because I am loving and caring for MYSELF. At the moment I could not be happier that I was liberated from that relationship (don't get me wrong, I licked my wounds for a while first).

In addition to therapy, I also come here to bariatric pal to hear others stories, I spent a lot of time on you tube following sleevers Clusie and Kstar, and I attend support groups and OA. What else I have learned? I am not alone. You also are not alone.

Be the change you wish to see in the world. Take care of yourself the way you wanted your husband to take care of you, and you will be amazed at the results INSIDE and OUT.

I recently have been reminiscing about those Whitney Houston lyrics from all those years ago about the greatest love of all:

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows

If I fail, if I succeed

At least I'll live as I believe

No matter what they take from me

They can't take away my dignity

Because the greatest love of all

Is happening to me

I found the greatest love of all

Inside of me

The greatest love of all

Is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself

It is the greatest love of all

I wish you peace, joy, happiness and love throughout your journey!

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I think surgery and recovery as a single person is great. I don't have the pressure or temptation of people with partners. I don't have to worry about ruining date night, or dinners out. I don't have to watch someone eat a steak and baked potato while I sip on broth. I don't have to prepare meals for kids.

The only food in my house are things I am allowed to eat. There is no way to mess up being in my house. Even if I made Cookies with the stuff in my house, they would be low carb.

I am an independent kind of person. I have never been in a long term relationship, I value my freedom too much.

If you are used to support I think it might be difficult. There is a lot of support available though. You can make a surgery buddy on this site. You will meet people in your pre-surgery meetings. You will meet people when you are in the hospital (if you walk! you have to get up and walk around). This forum is a great resource.

I think it is better to go it alone, and stuggle a little than to go through it with an unsupportive spouse and family.

You also live in a major city. I am sure there are meetup groups and other things for people that have had surgery. That might be a better option for some of your concern than posting on here. NYC and the NYC dating scene is another animal (I used to work in NYC). People in the middle of the country just aren't going to understand what it is like.

Also your support doesn't have to be WLS. Try to find a gym or some exercise classes now, before surgery that are not packed with assholes. If you keep your surgery to yourself (you don't want to be the source of gossip for petty *******), and just connect on a fitness weight loss level, you might make some supportive friends.

Another great thing about living in NYC or LA or large metro is that everyone is doing some weird diet. No one is going to care about your weird diet. You can fit right in.

I suggest one solid personal friend that can be with you for surgery. I had a friend fly in from out of state. Someone you really trust and feel comfortable with. If you have a family member that can fill that role, even better.

You can do it, do not be discouraged. Think about all the services you have available in the city at your disposal. When you are recovering, you never even have to leave your home.

Also, at around 4 weeks out, I got a rescue dog. I have built in company and a walking partner. My dog thinks even my baked fish is delicious and begs for it (even though he never gets any). I promised myself if I survived surgery and was okay I would get a dog and it is the best thing post op I have done. We walk multiple times a day and one very long walk at night.

@@Bufflehead

You sound like me. I like to be alone so I don't have to compromise.

Edited September 3, 2015 by OutsideMatchInside

[Elode 8,093]

@@FocusOnMeNow Love it!

[Shainadelphia 69]

@@FocusOnMeNow

Wow. What an empowering response! I love what you are saying and it so true - it's got to be about me first. And I agree with you (and your mom!) that most likely it was the relationship that was the problem. I'm so quick to blame myself.

I can't tell you how much better I felt after reading you reply and I went to sleep singing Whitney! Learning to love yourself is the greatest love all. Amen and thank you.

[Shainadelphia 69]

@@OutsideMatchInside

Thank you for your thoughtful reply - I DO have kids so I won't be alone and will have to prepare dinner and lunches and wish I had someone else to take that on while I get into my new habits. I do have a dog and he is the love of my life right now! I couldn't get by without him. And my mom is here for the surgery, so I'm really not alone alone, just single alone, which like you pointed out, is different.

I live right around the corner from a great Y that has a new pool and I plan to start Water aerobics ASAP (and the nice thing about that is usually it is older, less judgmental ladies!).

I guess I need to just hunker down and do what I need to do and stop feeling sorry for myself!

[bikrchk 1,313]

Divorced 6 5 years ago, sleeved 3 years later. 2 fur kids, other than that, I live alone. Personally, I think it's easier. No one to cook for but me, no one influencing my health decisions and food choices but me, my success or failure is totally, ON ME, (like it is for anyone, but I really have little outside influence, I guess). I have a very small handful of supportive friends and family. Was it lonely, eh, maybe, but to tell the truth, unless they've walked in our shoes and had most of their stomach removed to get healthy, others can't possibly "get it" anyway. I had a great local support group from the hospital's program where I made friends that "get it" which helped A LOT. Best of luck to you!

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@Shainadelphia

Children, Mom, and a dog. It seems like you have a great support group! Check if the Y has Aqua Zumba or Water in Motion, those are more intense and a better workout.

Yes the older ladies at the Y can be very supportive but I have also found they talk about food the whole time and go out to eat after working out

[RetroGirl 210]

I'm 18 days out and I've been single for the last couple of months.

Honestly, I think going through major changes like these can be easier without a significant other, as long as you have friends and family support. It seems such a rollercoaster, I seriously don't think I could manage carrying for someone else's expectations, fears and mood swings related to my WLS at the moment. I have too many of them myself.

When I get bored with myself and my newly found ability to be selfish, I guess I'll make a little room for someone else!