So it turns out my wife is gay...

[MEL0129 9]

You seem so very kindhearted and thoughtful. A rare find. I don't know what a therapist will tell you, but I believe you should share all of your feelings with your wife. You two are in a partnership, this is a problem for both of you. As her husband, you really owe her your honesty, as she does to you. Honesty, trust, love and friendship, you two have the fundamental basics of a solid relationship covered.

[Smye 694]

@@Djmohr, thank you! I'm weirdly still unable to let go of the hope that as she continues her work with her counselor she'll somehow find an attraction to me as the exception to the rule or that this is the apocryphal (and, if I'm honest, horribly intolerantly minded) 'phase' she's going through before discovering she's hetero or that it's like what I went through when I was 8 or so and was attracted to any and everything just because WOW, TESTOSTERONE! But I think I know that none of those fit. After all, we've got everything else in place for a nauseatingly idyllic marriage - so it would make sense that as her sexual identity is forming she'd form a sexual/romantic attraction to me along with, if not instead of, anyone else. After all, if she's not truly a lesbian, how on earth could some stranger on the street who's attractive compete with best friend/spouse for the last for what amounts to our entire lives. Thanks for letting me vent a bit more.

@@MEL0129, thank you. And I agree, I will keep her fully abreast of my own process - I just wish I didn't find myself coming sobbing to her about her every 20 minutes or so. But yes, it is our problem. Honesty's never been an issue, nor will it be.

[katladee 156]

I commend you for the understanding and compassion you are showing your wife during this difficult time for you both. Not many men that I know of would be this kind receiving this news. Please don't let this interfere with your weight loss journey. It's just a speed bump in the road of life! You both will get stronger through counseling and since no one can predict the future, who knows what lies ahead. She may realize after experiencing a relationship with a female that it is not what she wants after all, and come running back to you. Just always leave the door of communication open. Stay the friends you were before you married, and let her know you will always be there for her whether it's a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen with! Prayers to you for strength, and know that all your friends here have your back! We will always listen as well!

[Smye 694]

@@katladee, thank you! And yeah, the hardest part WLS-wise right now is eating at all.

Also, to be clear, I have no illusions that she'll "try the lesbian thing" or "get it out of her system." Human sexuality doesn't work like that. Nor would she EVER be willing to actually act on her attractions until our marriage was over and over. I'm more open to that than she is and, well, let's just say I'd rather set the house on fire (though I wouldn't). It's more that I find myself hoping it's a phase similar to what a preadolescent goes through rather than a 'phase' that the parents of those in the LGBTIQ community hope their children will 'grow out of' when they're in denial. Most likely though, I'm just in denial.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Smye

[SleeveandRNYchica 1,155]

Wow, the fact that you said you don't want to unload your grief in her...that is so profound in the fact you want to give her the time and space to figure herself out even in the midst of your pain. You sound like an amazing husband and friend.

I am sorry you both are going through this. I hope you find the necessary avenues to assist you.

[Smye 694]

@, Thank you! Me too, I just wish I knew what they were and that they could fasttrack us - I'm so sick of being in pain/afraid.

[FocusOnMeNow 599]

Big hugs! Hopefully your strong friendship can remain no matter what. It sounds as if you both really care for each other. I got in therapy which brought me to also seek/choose WLS after a tough break up. Just take care of yourself in every way you know how: eat right, excercise, try to get some sleep, go to a good therapist, support groups etc. And not to point out the obvious but your posts seem conflicted. You say that she has never been attracted to you, even though you've known her since kindergarten. And then you say that you are hoping this is a phase. Both of these statements are somewhat discordant. It may be surprising to you that she is now attracted to women. And sounds like it may also be surprising to her. I certainly hope that you both find the true love that you deserve and that you are able to maintain a strong friendship through co-parenting. Sounds like you'll still be family no matter what.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Just sending you virtual big hugs. I do understand that watching a relationship change so dramatically and imagining that it will *end* (only because it won't be the same as you thought it was and imagined it would continue forever) is horribly disorienting.

It's like the world has shifted on its axis. Trite, I know, but still a good description of what that feels like.

The only thing I can say pretty much is a platitude, but here it is anyway: You're going to get through this, no matter what happens or how it turns out. And given how smart you are you're going to be ... wait for it ... just fine.

Sorry. I'm old. I get to say shit like this. Because it's true.

(((((you)))))

[lmm300missouri 95]

Will be wishing each day gets better.

[VDB 800]

Smye, I know this must be REALLY tough. But, one thing I deeply believe about marriage is that we owe our spouse unconditional love -- no conditions, just absolute acceptance without judgement. For example, my wife of 35+ years has a chronic illness and due to her pain, has no interest in sex for three years now. Yes, it was tough I was not pleased but I also know she has tried everything to get better, and nothing has worked.

I just fell back on good old absolute acceptance, and we actually have a deeper love than ever, we enjoy each other's company, physical affection without sex, and continue on our road as a couple. In your situation, the greatest gift you can give your wife is unconditional acceptance without any qualifiers. You say to her "If you are gay, you are gay. You deserve to be with someone you are attracted to, whom you can connect with at every level. I also deserve this, and don't want to lose you, and want to stay close, stay in contact, still be best buddies."

Thanks for sharing this with the group. As far as I know, none of us have ever met, but I find the support here to be invaluable.... and I love your recipes!

[Pinkgirl1234 761]

You deserve to be happy....I listen to your inner self...and protect your heart.

[katladee 156]

recipes? ???? A man that cooks! You certainly are a keeper!LOL I'm new on here so I haven't seen any of your recipes, but I'll be watching you now with my "one" eye! LOL

[Daveo 485]

That is definitely a difficult situation and I cannot imagine what you are going through. All I can say is hang in there and be as supportive as you can. Don't forget about yourself and your needs though, you are important. Keep your head up.

[mtraverse 327]

I wouldn't know what to say or do in a situation like this. I know sorry doesn't help much but I am sad for you and your loss. Big hugs from me and many more I see.

Btw I think this is as good a place as any to bring this subject as this will also affect you with your journey in weight loss!

Hope you are getting some comfort from everyone!

[Smye 694]

I just wrote amassive update/response, and my laptop died. Short version - THANK YOU EVERYONE! I have a LOT of grieving to do, but we are and always will remain best friends and family. We are (I know this sounds fake but it will make sense when I post next) closer than ever, will likely divorce in the next few years, but are in no rush, and honestly I've never had such a satisfying or intimate evening than tonight was. I'll post the full deal later, but basically life hurts like hell and is INCREDIBLE all at once. It's incredible what having been best friends for 17 years before we married can do for us. Thank you thank you thank you. More to come.

Oh, and because things feel super stable and wonderful right now, @@katladee, oh yes. I cook. Check out this blog for a good place to start.

I don't actually know any of you, haven't met a one of you, but I love you folks! Thank you so much for helping me through the most painful day of my life - without you all I would not have been in the right place to come home to my wonderful wife and reach such a wonderful place as where we are now. Again - I'll explain in full when I have more time.