So it turns out my wife is gay...

[betrthnever 107]

Ok I've been out of the loop ... Have u decided to divorce or will u be dating while u r still married?

[Smye 694]

@@betrthnever, great question. Your answer is here.

[Smye 694]

Well, the Actress seems to have ghosted entirely (or is legitimately seeking her own therapy/doing her own work, in which case, well done Actess, I can't wait to reconnect - be it as friends or more - when you're ready).

On the other hand, The Cartographer has now emerged... more about her to come.

Mrs. Smye has started dating (though she doesn't use that term just yet) and I'm so excited for her! She also met The Cartographer last week and they seem to get on quite well thus far.

Lastly - The Cartographer made my therapist cry, in a good way. This is going to be fun!

[Smye 694]

A slightly more detailed update: http://gaywifeconfusinglife.blogspot.com/2016/02/the-cartographer-brief-introduction.html

[Smye 694]

Updates: The Cartograher and I started dating exlusively Jan 29. I've met her family, she's met mine. Everyone likes one another quite well. But...

I've been wondering about my future with The Cartographer since Friday. She's delightful, wonderful, fun, smart, funny, and incredibly depressed/panicky.

Were I in a committed relationship, the solution is simple - we'll work through this, I'll support you 'in sickness and in health' etc.

but only 1.5 months in... Well... I'll continue

Oh and she's been talking kids, marriage, etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking for a forever partner, not casual dating - but I'm not there yet... nor do I want to be at this stage. Anyway...

On Friday we were watching Agents of Shield on her couch, and all of a sudden she pulled the blankets over her head and trembled, nonresponsive for nearly an hour. I did my best to support/comfort etc., but to no avail.

Eventually she came out, bedraggled and exhausted and let me know that "Smye, your love is the only thing that kept me here, that keeps me going right now."

Since then, she's had to go home early every day this week due to panic attacks. I don't blame her in any way, or think any less of her as a human... but I do wonder "is this how I want to spend my life? And is this someone who could effectively co-parent my son given the incredible emotional demands that being with him takes?

Since then, she's talked about how my love keeps her going over a dozen times in ways that feel co-dependent/unhealthy and, frankly, I can't reciprocate even if I wanted to. I do love her, to be sure... but shit.

Then yesterday I came over for our usual Wednesday night dinner date and, well, shit... when she kissed me, it actually felt negative.

I didn't think I could feel such a thing as a desire to not kiss someone... I always thought I was that guy who'd be psyched to kiss a wall if it kissed back.

So there's that. And tomorrow she's getting her IUD - damn - and I've been planning her birthday with her mom for next weekend AND we've got that cabin reserved...

Oh, and then one other complication...

There was recently a moderately sized gas leak explosion in a large nearby city. It was also in the same general area where The Actress lives (I think its several blocks away - not sure though)

And my first thought was "OH SHIT! THE ACTRESS!?!?!?" And The Actress has been on my mind since

And then, not 20 minutes ago, I receive the following texts from The Actress:

"Hey! So... I'm gradually emerging from my radio silence. It was much needed. Are you interested in hanging out again at some point? I can't promise more than friendship but I really enjoyed spending time with you and would like to again if you're open to it!"

And just now got: "Also, I downloaded coffee Meets Bagel a few days at the recommendation of a friend, and guess who I saw there today??? You!! I was going to 'like' you, but didn't need to because I already have your number, ha. ;)"

DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN

Sure... I could say "ABSOLUTELY" to The Actress, pursue friendship and continue with The Cartographer in the hopes that her declarations that "I'm not usually like this" are true and it clears up soon... but that feels slightly slimy as I definitely still have feels for The Actress.

OR - I could turn The Actress down (not doing it) because I know I want more than friendship.

OR I could meet up with The Actress, see how it goes, and then break it off with The Cartographer before it goes more than friendship (probably not a good idea - definitely 'cheating,' at least emotionally and just not something I'd feel good about)

OR...

OR...

OR...

I could tell The Cartographer "Hey, I love you, I like you, but I need us to turn down the intensity until you're more stable." and go back to 'casually dating' if she's game... and lose that relationship if not and at least get friendship (hopefully more... DAMN IT) with The Actress.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

What I don't want to do is bail on The Cartographer prematurely... or on just an emotional whump-surge

BUT - there's no way in hell I'm staying in a relationship on false presences

Any thoughts, suggestions, questions, virtual hugs, ideas, anything related are all much appreciated

[Smye 694]

Yeah... I cant be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally dependent upon me for more than in the midst of crisis... I need to be in a relationship where we compliment one another, not complete each other... Damn.

And The Actress? Am I interested? Yes. But does she actually have anything to do with The Cartographer? Nope. I think that may well have been my guilt over hurting The Cartographer trying to find a scapegoat. I've been faithful to Mrs. Smye, in a sexless, romance-free marriage, for over 7 years... The Actress isn't it.

Edited March 18, 2016 by Smye

[lachellove 486]

So are you going to break things off? Have you thought it all through?

[Smye 694]

@@lachellove, I think so. In the process of writing the above there were so many red flags that jumped out at me. If I didn't have Little Smye to consider, perhaps I'd give it longer to see... but I'm looking for his next mama and his wellbeing wouldn't be well served with The Cartographer where she is. Perhaps she'll heal, make gains and then we try again, but I don't think he can afford to have me 'wait it out' as it were.

Now the only question is how to go about this in a way that is as honest, as compassionate, and as caring as possible while remaining entirely authentic.

And the 5-years celibate streak continues!

[lachellove 486]

@@Smye Thats a tricky one letting someone down easy ...I hope that goes well for you, she might understand and she might not. I agree,children are always the first priority so there's no time to wait it out. My girls are very smart and retain a lot of their surroundings, so you are right to want your son around someone that is emotionally stable. You will get to where you need and want to be. I personally feel the actress would be a good start. Friendship that is. That's the best way to start!!

Edited March 18, 2016 by lachellove

[gowalking 10,790]

Get out. Now. Right now.

Moving forward, DO NOT and I repeat, DOOOO NOTTTT have any exclusive relationships right now. I'm with my 'better half' nearly a year and we've only mentioned the 'L' word to make sure neither of us are using it. Believe me..it works for us, and likely many others as well. Point is, you seem like a very intelligent man based on the posts I've read. This is not the time for your little head to be making decisions. Use the head between your shoulders and not between your legs. You can't be in love with anyone after 6 weeks of dating. You are in lust. And now the lust is gone because you are seeing the red flags.

Tell her whatever you need to in order to end it. She'll hate you no matter what you say and you know it. Just man up and do it.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Here's the deal -- the goal isn't to make her adore you after you end the relationship.

The goal is to end the relationship.

[cookarue 233]

Don't stay anywhere too long with someone who can't even take care of her own issues. As far as the actress goes, she's told you she's not interested in the long run. She disappeared, and now she's back to using you in order to regain her confidence (most likely after someone broke up with her). I, myself, am guilty of that in the past. String along a man that's interested so you can feel good about yourself, even though he's not what you want and know it.

There are PLENTY of fish in the sea, and it's time to go fishing again. Stop looking at the old fish in the freezer you already caught.

Dating shouldn't be so serious. It should be fun, and exciting. So if you're over the woman who clearly needs you more than you want her... Find someone who's fun and wants to rip your clothes off!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

1.5 months is nothing... people don't even start to reveal their whole nature until well after that.

The kids aside, the anxiety attacks aside, I would consider the premature discussion of your future as a major red flag. It is less likely to be love, more likely to be neediness.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using the BariatricPal App

[Smye 694]

@@gowalking - Thanks for your passion. To be clear - I like The Cartographer, I've avoided the L word (with her, if not internally) and well... we've not slept together, kissed on two occasions, and held hands - not quite sure that counts as 'in lust' or thinking with the 'head between my legs,' but thanks for your support.

Edited March 18, 2016 by Smye

[Smye 694]

@@VSGAnn2014 - agreed, though I do have the cooccuring goal of being kind and compassionate while remaining authentic.

@@cookarue - HA! Thanks. As for ripping my clothes off - we'll see. The ones who've wanted to do that have been either insufficiently intelligent or else just plain crazy - but hopefully. As for the Actress - what did I miss in terms of 'not interested in the long run?'

@@CowgirlJane - Agreed on all counts - excepting the 'kid aside' part

Edited March 18, 2016 by Smye