So it turns out my wife is gay...

[Smye 694]

Mrs. Smye came out to her dad today - I'm so proud of her! He responded well for the most part, but I'll admit it was also incredibly hard because it made the 'real-ness' and finality of it all sink in just one layer deeper. I will say I was thoroughly impressed with her use of an FAQ to help her deal with having to answer all of the questions she didn't want to be asked and to encourage the questions she wished would be asked. I have included it below:

FAQs for Dad (and maybe Stepmom too)

Q: Why are you telling me this? Now?

A: I enjoy the authentic relationship I feel like we have built and I want to maintain that. I don’t want to live different lives around different people. Also, I could benefit from your support as Smye and I move forward in our process to consciously separate, and I don’t want to hide half of the story.

Q: Have you always “known” (experienced same-sex attraction)?

A: No. Until now, I have largely identified as asexual (someone who does not feel attraction toward either men or woman). It never occurred to me to wonder whether I was attracted to women; I simply knew I had never experienced attraction toward men.

Q: Is this a phase?

A: I’ve thought about this very seriously before sharing with you and hope you can trust that I am telling you something significant versus something that is a passing phase. Sexuality fluidity is often predicted by the intensity and frequency of attraction. Based on my current experiences, I don’t imagine I will later find men attractive (but it would certainly be more convenient if that ends up in my future!).

Q: How do you know for sure you are attracted to women?

A: How do you know for sure you are attracted to women?

Q: Are you attracted to women because you were abused as a child?

A: Correlation is not causation. Early childhood experiences shape sexuality (and the rest of ourselves) and there is no way to determine who I would have been attracted to without those early experiences. It is certainly a complicating factor. I always assumed I’d have challenges connecting with males based on my early childhood experiences so I never sought out other explanations. Regardless, I’ve done enough years of therapy to trust this isn’t something that needs to be “fixed.”

Q: Maybe you just haven’t found the right man?

A: I could say the same to you. J

I don’t think anyone is 100% gay or straight: research shows there are certain situations or contexts in which people will stray outside of strongly identified orientations. That said, I am not hoping to find “the right guy” any more than you are. There are plenty of women I am attracted to and accept that.

Q: Why are you making this choice?

A: This is not a choice I am making. In many ways, if I could choose to be straight I would as there are many benefits to being part of a dominant group and keeping your life status quo. I have worked very hard and sought much help to be attracted toward men without success.

Q: Does this mean you are going to turn “butch”?

A: No. I don’t really identify with terms like “butch” (or its opposite, “femme”). I consider myself feminine in appearance, analytical in mind, and loving at heart. Over time, my style may change, just as anyone’s does through different life phases. Someday I might try having shorter hair or wearing pants but that is less related to my sexuality and more about transitioning out of old habits.

Q: So what kind of person are you attracted to?

A: Women who are intelligent and kindhearted.

Q: Will you ever have a steady girlfriend or get remarried?

A: I hope to—at some point when I am ready and if I meet the right person.

Q: What about God? And the sanctity of marriage?

A: This is more a question for you to ask yourself. This part of who I am is not in conflict with any of my spiritual beliefs/practices. Of course, I hope you will find a way to reconcile your faith with this aspect of your daughter. If you can’t, I hope you can find enough space in yourself to hold two opposing things, and find a way to maintain your love for both.

Q: Are you still the same person you’ve always been?

A: Yes. J

Q: Did I do something wrong? Is that why you are like this?

A: No. This isn’t a case of right vs. wrong or something that should have been prevented. (If you want to go down that path though, you can think instead about what you can do “right” in this moment to support me…)

Q: Did you cheat on Smye?

A: No. We have been very open and supportive of one another and neither of us has done anything behind the others’ back.

Q: Is Smye okay?

A: My status as “asexual” had been a known factor in our marriage since its beginning so this was not a complete surprise to Smye. It was a joint decision when I decided to re-enter counseling to specifically work on this aspect of myself. He is getting the support that he needs and has been very supportive toward me. Still, this is very hard for Smye. Of course, he wishes the outcome were different if for no other reason than because he had hope for our future.

Q: Are you and Smye staying together?

A: No, not in the traditional sense. We have never had a true “full” marriage and we both deserve that. We have been living together platonically and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future—even as we separate some emotionally. He is committed to helping me become financially self-sufficient and we are both committed to an arrangement that is most supportive of Little Smye. We don’t know exactly what that will look like but trust we will figure it out in a loving way as time goes on.

Q: Does this mean Little Smye is more likely to be gay?

A: No. Whether he is raised by a set of same-sex, opposite-sex, or a combination of parents, his likelihood of identifying as something other than “straight” is about the same. (There is some evidence, however, that men with ASD are more likely to identify as gay or bisexual than men without ASD.)

Q: How will this impact your career?

A: I am not “out” at work (though a few close friends know) and do not anticipate I will be in the time that I remain there.

As I transition to a new career pathway, I do not imagine I will advertise my sexuality any more than I ever have—it simply is not relevant. (At no point in working with clients did I ever volunteer that I was asexual, or partnered—let alone the gender of my partner). I do plan on working/living in New Hometown and do not expect to keep this part of myself a “secret” from my community.

Questions you may not have, but I wish you would ask

Q: What do you identify as?

A: I hate labels because they can mean different things to different people and I want more control over how people perceive me. I do not identify as bisexual (attracted to men and women) or heterosexual (attracted to opposite sex). I would say “lesbian” (women attracted to women) is the closest label. When I talk with people I just say I’m “queer” (an umbrella term which loosely which is no longer considered derogatory).

Q: Who knows? What can I say? Who can I talk to?

A: Right now, I’ve shared with Smye and all of my close friends in addition to M and B. I have not shared with any other relatives, or most childhood friends from Hometown. So far everyone has been incredibly supportive and I am very grateful.

If you would like to talk with people, you are welcome to share with your friends and extended family. I would like to save T/A (and my mom + her family) for myself when I am ready. I ask that you get support and educate yourself about the myths around sexuality (so you do not perpetuate them/misrepresent me when talking with others) before you discuss this with other important people in our lives. (I know I have no control over that.)

When talking with people, I am fine if you use the term “lesbian” or “gay” (often used to describe men or women who are same-sex attracted) as these are the most descriptive/accurate labels. If you don’t want to share with other people that’s fine. This may change over time, and certainly will change if I become re-partnered.

Q: What support do you need?

A: I need you to be the same Dad you currently are to me—supportive, caring, and encouraging. I need you to respect my entire self (including this part of me). I need you to ask questions as they arise for you instead of making assumptions. I need you to find a primary place outside of myself to work out your disbelief, confusion, anger, disagreement or whatever other complicated feelings you may have. I need you to remember that although sexuality is an important part of any person, I am a multifaceted human being and I have not ceased to be a mom, a professional, a friend or a quasi-farmer. Mostly, I need you to stay present.

I also need you to remain open to my current relationship with Smye, without taking sides or criticizing (to me) our use of marriage for its companionship, financial stability and other logistical benefits.

Q: Is this process hard for you?

A: It is terrifying for me. Both because I don’t want to lose people I care about (which I know happens to folks) and because the idea of loving and being loved fully is a very vulnerable thing. In other ways, it is exciting and I couldn’t feel more at ease—it feels like coming home into myself.

Q: Wow, this is a lot to take in. Are there resources for me?

A: I would be thrilled if you went to a meeting with other parents and could learn/get support. Check out your nearest PFLAG (www.bfpflag.com or https://www.facebook.com/BFPFLAG/info/?ref=page_internal). I’m sure they could direct you to other resources.

Q: What do you need from me right now?

A: I need to know that you love and support me the same as you always have or that if you can’t/don’t that you’ll work to get there.

[butterfly23 423]

Oh Smye, thank you for posting this. I will admit it made me cry, but in a positive powerful way. I have observed your and Mrs. Smye's process from afar, and I've been so impressed with the integrity, honesty and respect that you have for each other and this process. I truly hope that she gets the inclusive love in return that she is putting out to her dad and others as she comes out. Thank you again for sharing, I hope that it's therapeutic for you it definitely has been for me.

[Smye 694]

@@butterfly23, thank you. And I'm right there with you, every time I post to this thread, even a sentence or two, even to say thanks, I find myself crying. This is by far the most painful experience I've ever been through, but simultaneously one of the most beautiful. I'm glad to hear my posts have been of benefit to more than myself - and yes, it's absolutely been therapeutic - taken literally even, as I've continued posting as part of my work with my therapist

Oh, and she's getting all kinds of support - it's beautiful really. We've lost 1 friend so far, and it was my friend, not really hers. Beyond that, her dad's response was the 'worst,' which is to say, the best we could have expected or even hoped for from him.

[RussD 5]

Syme, big cyber hugs to both you and your wife. I was not strong enough to come out on my own. My Father found out I was gay and outed me to family and friends and disowned me with a 5 page letter he mailed to me certified saying he wished I would die like every other faggot and dyke in the world. My point is I had no one I could turn to to come out on my own and deal with my feelings, no one I loved enough or felt close enough too. I think that for her to tell you this that she loves you to the moon and back and that she has tremendous respect and trust in you. I know it does not ease the pain, but only time can do that. My x girlfriend and her wife, and I with my boyfriend of 7 years are good friends. It sounds messed up to some, but my x and I still love each other, just not in the sexual way. Just still love your wife and be willing to listen to every word she wants to tell you. It could help you as much as it might help her. But I give her huge credit of being honest with you and not having affairs behind your back and waiting until the day she would leave to tell you why. It has to be the hardest thing you have ever had to listen to from the person you least wanted to hear it from. But for her, it has to be the hardest thing she has ever said to anyone and I am sure with the love she has for you that you were the last one she wanted to tell or to hurt. In the end she deserves huge credit for her honesty. But you also need to take care of yourself. I wish you both nothing but the best. Please take things one day at a time.

[Chrystee 838]

Big hugs to you and her.

[Smye 694]

@@RussD and @@Chrystee, thank you - the hugs are very much needed and even more appreciated.

@@RussD, I'm so sorry for the trauma your father's reaction must have caused. Thank you for your support and yes - she is indeed an amazing woman.

Also, there's finally a straight-spouse network meeting happening A) close to home and with folks who don't want to vilify Mrs. Smye for being gay. Sunday, here I come!

[Smye 694]

Well that was interesting.

Last night I attended my first straight-spouses network meeting. Some good, many blah, one very bad. All in all worth it, I think. It's monthly, so I'll certainly be attending again in December and we'll just see how it goes.

For those wondering: Straight Spouse Network is a support group for people whose spouse, or other committed partner - in an assumed heterosexual relationship - have come out as LGBTIQ. I'm actively working on expanding my network of friends and peers and figured hey, why not attend an event of folks who've been through a similar trauma experience - turns out we didn't have as much in common as I'd hoped, but there were one or two gentlemen with whom I connected. It was good to connect with folks, but there was this one guy who was absolutely full of S and kept demanding everyone acknowledge what an incredible husband he was while citing bogus stats while spouting about the 'ridiculous charges' he's facing (8 counts of assault, all from different women - suspicious to say the least) - he about drove me crazy.

I'll also admit (on an entirely separate notes) that it's tough to always be the youngest person in the room by a good 15-20 years - whether I'm at work, the straight spouse network or elsewhere. The comments of " wow, you're so lucky to be doing this now" or "you must be ________ to be here now, my son is five years older and he only just now managed to ______" are entirely aggravating and don't serve to move the conversation in the least. The odd genuine question is fine - but belaboring the fact as though I'm some sort of marvel or else overly ambitious and whatnot is frustrating - thanks for reading my venting... Done now.

And thank you again all for allowing me the space to air my process here and get support.

Oh, one more thing. Last night Mrs. Smye did confirm that, although she's in 'absolutely no rush... may be 3 years even,' she does, indeed, want a divorce at some point so as to pursue other relationships. She is not open to an 'expanded family' model. Poop on a stick!

[betrthnever 107]

Life is too short, Mr. Smye. She has told you straight that she will want a divorce, that she's not interested in anything alternative. Why waste your time? There is no future with this woman. Great stay friends but move on. I wish you lots of luck!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Y'know, the classics are classics for good reasons.

Divorce works.

[2goldengirl 2,076]

So much good counsel and support you've been given here!

I haven't much to add, except to say that my husband's former wife took 20+ years and a long affair to unravel her own sexuality. You are blessed indeed that your wife talked with your about it first, before acting on it. I can tell you from the experience of our family that the alternative has even more hurt within it. My husband was far more hurt over the betrayal of the affair (and its length) than his former wife's orientation. She lost many friends over the lies, not her orientation.

What I can offer more than ten years down the road is that not only does healing happen - but change does, too. As you heal, the things you hold as absolute today may also change. I completely believe that you and your wife can re-formulate your friendship and partnership into one that makes room for you to both be fully loved as you each deserve, and to be faithful parents to your son. What you can hope for is that you will heal, and grow, and make room in your heart and your life for someone who will be a full partner to you. One blessing of your relative youth is that you won't be parenting teens through this process, because let me tell you, that's no day at the beach .

Peace and healing be with you all.

Edited November 9, 2015 by 2goldengirl

[Smye 694]

@@betrthnever, although I'd agree with you for many couples in my situation, you are grossly mistaken. I appreciate your willingness to do the unpopular, go against my wishes and 'tell it like it is' - no sarcasm, I really admire your commitment to authenticity. However, I hope you'll agree (and if you don't, oh well) that you don't quite understand the dynamics of my marriage. Short version - we'll both be finding new exclusive partners when we're each ready as individuals, divorcing at that time, but maintaining our incredible friendship through it all and maintaining our wonderful partnership in the meantime. I'll even likely help write her OK-Cupid (or whatever service she uses) profile and walk her down the aisle - and vice versa. As a society, all we can do is accept that the experience of folks who discover their sexuality "late" in life and the choices they and their partners make (keep in mind, we're significantly younger than you probably think we are - we both graduated high school and college very early and were married at an age most could call unconscionable) might not reflect our own but is still real for them, and support and love those around us in spite of not understanding or even thinking they are completely out of their minds. But seriously, your apparent internal outrage on my behalf is weirdly comforting . I will say though that your advice did have the effect of making me feel silenced by you rather than helping me 'find my voice.' For what it's worth.

@@VSGAnn2014, See above. Also, that's why it's the plan, just not today Thank you again for your support throughout.

@@2goldengirl, Thank you. It's valuable to hear the enormous variety of stories out there.

[nrssmile7499 2]

Hi All,

I know this is a little (or a lot) out of the ordinary for this site, but you all have been a huge support on my WLS journey so far and, well, I need an outlet and some support.

I want to start by saying I have not gone through what you are. I, as a fellow human being, feel sad and proud. I love that you are supporting her in this. I am proud that you love her that much. I am sad for you that you are enduring this pain for her. I understand that kind of love. I suggest that you get into your own therapy if you aren't already. This is not something you can go through alone. It may be that you lose your wife, but not your best friend. Feel free to message me anytime I am a good ear and do not feel the need to tell you what to do. I send you a huge hug and will pray for peace for you.

Nrssmile]

[betrthnever 107]

You are right! All of our paths are different. As well as the dynamics of your relationship. I think I was deflecting from my own personal relationship with my ex. now that I'm in a wonderful relationship I look back and ask myself why did I stay in my relationship as long as I did. It wasn't fair to him or me.

[Chrystee 838]

Life is too short, Mr. Smye. She has told you straight that she will want a divorce, that she's not interested in anything alternative. Why waste your time? There is no future with this woman. Great stay friends but move on. I wish you lots of luck!

Obviously, we don't know her, but I feel like she is using you..

[Smye 694]

@@Chrystee, you are mistaken, but that's fine