So it turns out my wife is gay...

[gowalking 10,790]

I'm actually very surprised your therapist has you creating this OK Cupid account. This isn't a dig, but it's obvious you are in a very vulnerable place right now and adding the feelings/emotions of another person seems very dangerous.

I worry that this woman wants to fix you...support you, nurse you, etc. I'm so sorry Smye but I really think you are right...you are so not ready for a relationship. Tell this woman now that you jumped the gun. She will either tell you it's OK, or tell you to F**k off.

My biggest challenge in the dating world was to understand that I had no control over someone else. That was hard because I always felt it was my fault. Not pretty enough..not funny enough, not good enough in bed. God..the list can go on and on.

You want to be the best Smye you can when you start to look for a new partner. Enough with the dating... Work on your issues first and be the healthiest emotionally you can.

I don't mean to sound superior but I'm living proof of this strategy. I was so desperate to remarry after my husband died that I did marry four years after his death to a man who was as desperate as me. He thought a wife would make his life wonderful. He got everything he wanted. A wife, a nice house, more money than he was used to...and he was still a miserable son of a bitch. He hated his own life so nothing I did or tried made any difference. I knew from that experience not to date again. And I didn't. Not for 20 years. And just to make sure nothing would ever ever happen with the opposite sex, I made myself so unattractive that no man would want me.

When I had WLS, it was for medical reasons. Only after I lost all the weight, did I realize I was getting interest from the opposite sex. For a year after going online, I made mistake after mistake and only with the therapist's help, was I able to be smart about who I was attracting..and who I was attracted to. I'm currently with an emotionally healthy man and we are having a great time together.

Sorry for this long post, but really...you are heading in a very bad direction in my opinion..and I also feel bad for this woman you are likely going to disappoint.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I too am surprised your therapist is having you date right now. I "fell victim" to seeing someone who was "out there " at his therapist's urging. It was an epic waste of about 3-4 months of my time and that guy was in no way ready for a relationship but he also didn't want to casually date. I think it is not quite right to date when you are still entangled in a previous relationship. ..I think if nothing else should fully disclose to women on okcupid.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

Therapists advise married people to date? Really? That is messy as hell.

I would really focus on myself not dating. You are still on an important personal health journey. Focus on that and the right partner will come when the time is right.

[Smye 694]

@@gowalking - thank you for your frankness. And no longer heading in that direction. On the bright side, the woman I disappointed is interested in being pen-pal friends when/if I'm ready for even that. Phew.

@@CowgirlJane - I'm so sorry that happened to you. And you're absolutely right - I would never, ever contact someone with romantic intentions without full disclosure. When contacting this gal, my first message was the following:

"

• Hi XXXXXXX,
  
  I'm in a bit of a unusual situation, but you seem like we might be a good match.
  My wife and I have been best friends since we were 5, we married 7 years ago. However, she recently discovered she is gay. It explains a whole lot of the challenges we've had in our relationship, but I have to admit, it totally rocked my world. That said, we intend to stay good friends and to fully coparent our 2 year old son together, but are both beginning to explore other relationships. We do NOT have and are not interested in an open marriage, we are looking for our next 'forever partners.' Reading through your profile, you seem like we might be compatible. I don't have a profile photo at the moment out of respect for Mrs. Harra's privacy - she has yet to come out to family and friends but I'm happy to email you a photo or post for a minute and then remove if we happen to be online at the same time if you like.
  A little about myself, should you be willing to connect given my rather unusual baggage (though it's entirely amicable): I am a high school principal, I love my son with all my heart, in my free time I socialize with friends, raise 80% of my own food, and binge-watch the X-files. I LOVE a good book, hiking in the woods around my house or swimming in our lake. I am not looking for 'hookups' and have never actually dated anyone, I just married my best friend, so I'm certainly nervous to be starting down this road, but I'm excited about being in a relationship with someone who is as attracted to me as I am to her and willing to accept that my soon-to-be ex-wife is still a part of my family.
  If you're willing to explore whether or not we'd be a good match, please let me know. If not, no worries, but I'll admit that confirmation of that would be great. I'm willing to be vulnerable, but, as Brene Brown would say, that includes asking for a 'no' if I'm not an option for you at all.
  Take care,
  Smye"

  It was intended to be a 'try one just to have done it' which now feels admittedly crass

  @@OutsideMatchInside, Yep and yep

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

Think about the kind of woman willing to entertain a married man in any kind of way (she has no idea if you are telling the truth about your wife, married men tell worse lies), and then think about if that is really the kind of person you would want to associate with.

[jess9395 5,449]

@@gowalking - thank you for your frankness. And no longer heading in that direction. On the bright side, the woman I disappointed is interested in being pen-pal friends when/if I'm ready for even that. Phew.

@@CowgirlJane - I'm so sorry that happened to you. And you're absolutely right - I would never, ever contact someone with romantic intentions without full disclosure. When contacting this gal, my first message was the following:

"

• Hi XXXXXXX,

  I'm in a bit of a unusual situation, but you seem like we might be a good match.

  My wife and I have been best friends since we were 5, we married 7 years ago. However, she recently discovered she is gay. It explains a whole lot of the challenges we've had in our relationship, but I have to admit, it totally rocked my world. That said, we intend to stay good friends and to fully coparent our 2 year old son together, but are both beginning to explore other relationships. We do NOT have and are not interested in an open marriage, we are looking for our next 'forever partners.' Reading through your profile, you seem like we might be compatible. I don't have a profile photo at the moment out of respect for Mrs. Harra's privacy - she has yet to come out to family and friends but I'm happy to email you a photo or post for a minute and then remove if we happen to be online at the same time if you like.

  A little about myself, should you be willing to connect given my rather unusual baggage (though it's entirely amicable): I am a high school principal, I love my son with all my heart, in my free time I socialize with friends, raise 80% of my own food, and binge-watch the X-files. I LOVE a good book, hiking in the woods around my house or swimming in our lake. I am not looking for 'hookups' and have never actually dated anyone, I just married my best friend, so I'm certainly nervous to be starting down this road, but I'm excited about being in a relationship with someone who is as attracted to me as I am to her and willing to accept that my soon-to-be ex-wife is still a part of my family.

  If you're willing to explore whether or not we'd be a good match, please let me know. If not, no worries, but I'll admit that confirmation of that would be great. I'm willing to be vulnerable, but, as Brene Brown would say, that includes asking for a 'no' if I'm not an option for you at all.

  Take care,

  Smye"

  It was intended to be a 'try one just to have done it' which now feels admittedly crass

  @@OutsideMatchInside, Yep and yep

You had me at X-Files ????????????

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I think that is a really nice letter and full disclosure. . You are a good man!

I think that if we all step back we would reach the same conclusion you did...way too soon!

My ex is a wonderful man in any ways but we didn't have a physical relationship the last 5-6 years of our relationship. I surely missed it so I understand the desire to seek that intimacy. I think it is crazy talk to go from your situation (love of your life turns out to be gay!) to seeking a life partner. How about a bit of time....then dating...then maybe life partner?

FWIW I think you are awesome. ..I just think we all need time to get over this type of thing....

[Smye 694]

@@OutsideMatchInside, great question!

@@jess9395, HA! If only you were between the ages of 25 and 35, willing to relocate to the PNW, single, and eager to wait from 1-90 months for me to get my stuff together?

@@CowgirlJane Thank you, and agreed on all counts. Thanks so much for your support. And by the by, I'm absolutely going square dancing in the next few weeks, as soon as Mrs. Smye is free to watch the little one.

Oh, and I've gotten a few PM requests to share the 'it's over' message. After thinking about it, I think it would indeed be therapeutic to post rather than PM back, so here it is:

"Hi XXXX,

Sorry this has taken me so long to get to you - I want to make sure I get it right and, if I'm totally honest, I don't want to send it. Please do me the favor of reading to the end.

Remember my comments about always striving to be transparent and live with authenticity? This is one of those times when it sucks, a lot.

Let me begin by saying that, if you can trust this, at no point was I false, did I lie, or attempt to conceal anything from you. I like you a lot and have come to care for you a great deal. I really want to date you, to give a relationship with you a try and see where it goes. But I realized this afternoon that I don't think I'm ready like I thought I was.

I've meant every word I've said to you, and I still do, but when I imagined our date, for real, suddenly I felt wrong... Nothing about you, just about me.

I feel awful, but I wanted to be entirely up front with you.

And to top it off, there's that little voice screaming "you idiot! What are you doing? You've had huge gaps in your needs from the day you got married, they've only grown over the years, and now you don't even get a goodnight peck from your wife. Why are you throwing away the closest immediate chance you've got to getting to kiss, cuddle, love and be loved?" But I think if that's the reason I'm pursuing a relationship, because I'm terrified of continuing not to have those things, that's the wrong reason to enter a relationship. That isn't remotely the entirety of why I wanted to date you, like I said, you're funny, kind, intelligent, strong, beautiful, and someone I genuinely enjoy. But I'm not certain I'm in a place yet where I wouldn't be motivated, from time to time at least, more by simply the desire to be loved than by my future love for you, and that's not fair to either of us. I've clearly got quite a bit of work left to do before I start pursuing another partner.

I'm so sorry XXXX, I'm letting you know as soon as I realized it (well, within a few hours anyway), but despite my best intentions, this is in no way fair to you. What a way to start your vacation. I'm glad you've got support people close at hand.

Take care,

Smye"

And after rereading that - wow that reads melodramatic, but there it is.

[Joz31 90]

@@Smye

I respect you so much as a person who is so transparent and real. Wow, just wanted you to know how incredible you are. You will certainly find the happiness you deserve when the timing is right.

[Smye 694]

@@Joz31, thank you. Your support means more to me than you can know. And, on a completely different note - congratulations on your weight loss so far!

[Smye 694]

I thought you all might appreciate this. I'm at the point where I'm beginning to explore the possibility of feeling attracted to other people beyond Mrs. Smye and allowing myself to appreciate that fact. So far, there have been 3 women where I've though "wow, she's lovely, intelligent, attractive, pretty cool, etc." And I just got confirmation that the third (after earlier learning of both 1 and 2) is a lesbian. I feel like I'm cursed here.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Maybe you are rushing things a bit too much. This all just happened. ..seems like a little time to adjust is in order.

[Smye 694]

@@CowgirlJane, not quite sure I understand your meaning - can you clarify? I'm not remotely pursuing these, or any other, women at this point. Just allowing myself to see and appreciate attractiveness - none of the three have a clue (all are from television, not folks I know) nor have I allowed myself to think 'wow, she's very attractive' with others prior to now. I suppose you could say I've got a developing sexuality of my own and felt frustrated that the first three women I felt attraction towards are gay.

Edited October 10, 2015 by Smye

[Chrystee 838]

Perhaps you have a certain type or look you are attracted to. Unless you have sought them out for a date or whatever, I wouldn't let it bother you.

[Smye 694]

@@Chrystee, I won't, and I didn't. It's just frustrating in an "I'll look back on this in 5 years and laugh" sort of way.