So it turns out my wife is gay...

[Folly 308]

@@Smye

My husband joined a support group for people who had a spouse/partner who "came out" after establishing a heterosexual relationship.

He was sandbagged - 12 years, two kids, etc. There was a long cooling off period for him, he felt so lied to. She could have been a little less cold in the way she treated him and the kids. Ultimately he was able to get past feeling like he was her "skirt" until her father died. The anger was pretty bad from what I heard. He still can be triggered, if he dwells on it, into being resentful about her "wasting years of my life under false pretenses" (Those are his words).

By the time I met him they had been divorced for a few years and had managed to become friendly if not actual friends. He ended up liking some of the partners that came and went in her life. The problems he has with her are really about other things but not actually about her being gay.

One thing I can tell you is I have personally known several people who had a spouse "come out" after years and one after decades.

The ones who seem to have the least destructive and hurtful transitions into whatever comes next are the ones who keep their eye on not personalizing what their partner needs. It has nothing to do with you. The other thing that seems to be helpful is recognizing that feeling lied to is probably a normal and even justifiable feeling but it isn't really fair to assume it was intentional. Most of the time it seems like people get into marriages with heterosexuals when they are gay because they are still struggling to accept or understand what, on some level, is not OK with them.

I actually think it's kind of brave to face it. I think it's brave to put aside angry and hurt feelings. I think she must feel very safe and loved by you to have the courage to face it with you.

It might be helpful to get in touch with a support group so you have a place to share this, and to vent the negative feelings that inevitably come when relationships change in ways we did not want them to.

I hope that helps. *HUGS*

Peace

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I don't see how there could be a single-size-fits-all interpretation of any of these break-ups.

People are much more than "gay" or "straight." They're honest, liars, empathic, assholes, smart, stupid, aware, delusional, or have countless other attributes.

Interpreting Smye's and his wife's situation and future prospects in terms of the experiences of other male/female couples who disbanded because one partner was gay and came out is likely going to miss the mark.

Divorces are all pretty unique to the people involved. (Mine sure was.) Smye's and his wife's divorce will be the way they create it.

[Dar200 285]

I have no words of wisdom or suggestions for you, but I do feel empathy for you. Know you have some friends here you can turn to during this difficult time. Hugs to you.

[Smye 694]

@@VSGAnn2014, Thank you, thank you, thank you! I want to say more, but nothing can say it better. Thank you. Please keep speaking truth to power (and to bariatric pals).

@@Dar200, thank you. I do.

@@Folly, Thank you again for sharing your experience - although mine will undoubtedly be unique, I am thankful to learn what has happened to/for others. When I reached out to TSSN, their response was... less than supportive. They were well-intentioned, but the assumption of duplicity on Mrs. Smye's part at the least was a given for those I spoke with. Serious bummer.

[AnA92212 577]

I can't even imagine what you are experiencing. I have nothing to say but I hope for the best possible outcome for the both of you.

[Smye 694]

@@AnA92212, thank you for your support, sitting with me in my grief is precisely what I need. That and I may invite advice on the process when I start dating - though less about my current relationship and more about simply "what the hell is dating?" But yeah, it hurts like hell. And it's exhilarating. And scary. And, well, everything.

[Smye 694]

Just a quick update - Mrs. Smye is still working through her process and debating whether/how to tell her parents. I, on the other hand, am continuing to realize more and more how much of the grieving of our marriage I've already done. 6 years ago when she first told me she didn't think she was actually attracted to me, I started grieving the 'mutual attraction' aspect. 5 years ago when she told me (with the utmost kindness and honesty, not out of spite or anything) 'I really don't enjoy sex and, you know, if we never had it again, I'd be thrilled,' I started grieving the 'sexual intimacy' portion. When she told me 'it really bothers me/makes me uncomfortable when you a)suprise me with something special; B.) tell me I'm beautiful; c) arrange a special evening even with my foreknowledge; d) do anything else typically identified as 'romantic,' I began grieving the 'romantic' aspect of our relationship. 2 years ago when a surgeon who was working on something else entirely essentially destroyed her vagina (the bas****, he's still the only person I've ever had violent dreams about - even without sex it hurts her to walk more than 5 minutes at a time...), I began to grieve the 'sex at all' portion of our relationship.

Everything else, our deep love and respect for one another as parents, as best friends, as co-learners and cohabitators, those I don't have to grieve. Except for the last, but that's a ways off and I can start that grief process now. I don't mean to claim that I'm 'over it.' Holy hell it still hurts. I'm nowhere near over it. I don't know if I ever will be. But I feel, in many ways, a sense of peace that my feelings of never being 'enough' for her were not only justified, but had nothing to do with me. AND I'm shocked at how excited I feel for both of us to move forward while doing our damnedest to keep our friendship solid whatever comes in terms of the pain/frustration that's inevitable moving forward.

All that said, though a piece of me is screaming "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" I've recognized that this has all been going down for as long as we've been wed. Not that she knew she was ***** (her currently chosen term), nor that we would inevitably divorce some day, but that our marriage wasn't all of what either of us wanted it to be, despite being nauseatingly idyllic in so many other areas. And I never, ever, have to sacrifice those idyllic pieces if I don't choose to, even if and when we divorce.

And so the next step - dating. I'm not interested in dating around, sleeping around, or trying to 'get the most bang (sorry) for my buck out of my new body.' But if I'm decided to find a new partner (and I am), I'm eager to get going. I'm thinking I'll start with an OKCupid account here in the next couple of weeks after my next meeting with my counselor. How weird to be simultaneously nauseated and utterly thrilled.

Does that make sense?

Edited September 13, 2015 by Smye

[VDB 800]

Whatever makes sense for you is what is right. Just remember, normally true healing does not start until a divorce is final. The average person has to heal at least two years prior to remarriage, or the risk for another divorce is in the 80% zone... one of my cousins got divorced after years of stress, waited 6 months, fell in love, married and at three years post divorce realized he had married on the rebound. It is natural to want to reconnect into a serious relationship. A therapist I know says one is ready for another serious relationship when one goes 24 hours without any painful memories of the other person.... that makes sense to me. Sorry for being preachy... just be careful, every instinct in you will be to get another relationship, get hitched, and that is not fair to yourself or the other person.

[Smye 694]

@@VDB, Not preachy at, all - thank you. And I agree - I'm not headed into anything just yet, more allowing myself to explore the possibility at this point and all under the careful guidance of a Straight Partner-experienced therapist.

I don't typically make decisions until I've overthought them for at least a year - so although I'm excited to form a newbond of some sort, I'm 100% upfront about each step of the way and don't see marriage until quite a ways out.

Edited September 13, 2015 by Smye

[bellabill 253]

The whole thing takes time. When I first found that my ex had feelings toward men, it was an ongoing process to work things out. Not an overnight thing. Yes, it was a grieving process, little by little you feel better later. Take your time finding your way and eventually things will fall into place. There was no Facebook or Bariatric pal to find support back then so you are lucky to be able to reach out to find people who have been through this. Remember, this is not your fault!! Keep your head up high ????

[gowalking 10,790]

Was in a wonderful first marriage but he died. Was in a lousy second marriage and got divorced in 2003. Didn't date again till spring of last year and did so only under the auspices of my therapist who has been helping me avoid some pitfalls along the way. Got really really lucky and found a great guy about four months ago. So far, so good.

Yes...take the time you need to get Mrs. Smye in the place she belongs in your head and work closely with your therapist. Good luck!

[fairee 82]

You are an incredibly understanding and perceptive man. It sounds like you have been grieving over parts of your marriage/relationship for awhile. You've learned to adapt to the changes, but it isn't the same as accepting them.

I admire the open and honest communication the two of you seem to have had throughout all of your relationship.

She has been your one and only since you were 5....... how many people can even fathom this? I know I can't, although I wish I could

I personally know that living in a marriage without any type of intimacy is very hard to do. My husband quit touching me in any way 3 years ago. I tried to reach out to him but was only frustrated in return. Last year, I moved out and found my own place. Since then we have actually become closer, but as friends. Neither one of us has any intention of dating or looking for anyone else and this is working for us.

I guess what I'm saying is, there is no one size fits all for the human race. You have something special with her and you will find a way to make it work together.

Believe in yourself and do what you need to to keep yourself happy.

Hugs to you

[Smye 694]

@@bellabill, thank you so much for sharing your experience. You're right, I'm incredibly fortunate to find people like you to help me through this. You're a huge support!

@@gowalking, I'm so sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing, I'm honored you would share your process after the loss of your first husband with me, I am wrestling with a deep desire to fully love and be loved and the need to make sure I'm making healthy choices - your reply is hugely supportive.

@@fairee, Thank you for your compliments - they carry a lot of weight for me right now. I'm sorry for your loss also, congratulations to you for doing what was right for yourself. It's incredibly hard. And yeah, having been one and only since 5 is amazing, it's part of what's so scary about looking elsewhere - there's nobody else from my kindergarten classroom that's remotely interesting.

Curiously, my therapist and I created my OKCupid account recently. In response Mrs. Smye made one of her own. It's weirdly terrifying and exciting! I've got a date lined up for the first weekend in October. On the flip side, once I had that set up, Mrs. Smye asked for more emotional distance between us - we're still best friends and coparents, but she'll no longer be processing externally with me through the deep stuff. Something else to mourn, but I think that stopping my own process to 'keep' her wouldn't be healthy for either of us.

Thanks all for reading.

[Mandala27 14]

Hello Smye,

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, and I speak from experience. I was married to a man who realized he was gay 14 years into our relationship/marriage and I have survived. We went through therapy together and separately, and then divorced. For me one of the hardest things to do was to come out as someone who was married to a gay man. After we divorced we did not see each other or communicate for 6 months just to get our bearings individually. He and I have remained great friends, and we speak oftern. I still visit his parents once a year.

I know if it complicated, but with time you will be fine.

Namaste.

[Smye 694]

@@Mandala27, Thank you, thank you, thank you. It sucks, it hurts like hell, but stories like yours help me make some semblance of sense of it all.

Update: So I made the OKCupid profile, I even messaged someone on the advice of my therapist, essentially detailing the whole story and linking her here - just to test the waters. She wrote back, was entirely supportive and over the last week have struck up a conversation. I like her, she seems to like me. This afternoon she asked to set up a date next Saturday evening. Hooray!

Or not. At that moment, it clicked - what the hell am I doing? I'm not ready yet. I've got a hell of a lot of work to do on myself before I go trying to form a committed partnership with someone else - not to mention the fact that I'm not remotely comfortable with casual dating.

I feel awful, but I'm going to be emailing her after I post this to call it off and ask "may I contact you again in a few months? I'm so so sorry." And to top it off, there's that little voice screaming "you idiot! What are you doing? You've had huge gaps in your needs from the day you got married, they've only grown over the years, and now you don't even get a goodnight peck from your wife. Why are you throwing away the closest chance you've got to getting to kiss, cuddle, love and be loved?" But I think if that's the reason I'm pursuing a relationship, because I'm terrified of continuing not to have those things, that's the wrong reason to enter a relationship. And so on it goes.

And oh yeah, Mrs. Smye already pulled back emotionally when I created the OKCupid account - still my best friend, but I'm no longer her primary emotional support. Dammit. But I believe waiting (for now, we'll see how I feel in the morning) is the best choice [totally joking about the 'in the morning' part].

Edited September 27, 2015 by Smye