So it turns out my wife is gay...

[Smye 695]

@@katladee, Your post made me cry, a lot, in a good way. Thank you!

@@funredneckgal, I'm glad you and your partner were able to find something workable - the more I research the more rare I learn that is. And thank you for your support. Unfortunately (for me anyway), she's not bi in the least, just hesitant (and I don't blame her) to accept any particular label.

@@PokeyJo, I'm so sorry for your struggle/frustration/grief. And you're right on - we can indeed, we believe, maintain the core and the foundation of our relationship throughout this with honesty & openness.

[Smye 695]

So I've found two possible counsellors - one who specializes in giftedness (a condition that makes most counseling a difficult process for most of those who fall into that category - yay me ), and one who specializes in LGBTIQ issues. I've got an appointment with each in two weeks - I'll just have to see if either is a good fit.

Also, a VERY surreal experience today. I found myself sobbing on my drive into work, I am very literally giving up my longest held dream (I first decided I would marry my wife when I was 5) by considering going forward with our plan. And throughout our marriage, I've been entirely faithful to her, both with my body and with my mind - not even considering other women as anything more than purely platonic, struggling at times to even appreciate their beauty more deeply than I do a mountain range (a lot of appreciation and wonder, but nothing romantic or 'yearning' or sexual). In short, she's been my everything. So today when I suddenly realized that I was looking at the left hand of every female bodied person I saw to see if a ring was there and if so on which finger. Well, it was a huge rush of shame initially mostly now it's just a curiousity, something I'm working to understand more than on a cognitive level...

... especially when I realized that I am married. I love my wife with my entire self. I fully intend to keep loving her just as deeply until the day I die. And I'm utterly psyched (and more than a little terrified) at the thought of making love with another woman.

Wait, what? Really? I want to have relationship, fall in love, and have sex with someone other than Mrs. Smye? Meaningful sex, not just affair sex? And still love Mrs. Smye? And somehow this isn't wrong? Yes. That's exactly what I mean. Don't get me wrong - I'm not actually ready to build my OKCupid profile, I've no idea when I will be. Heck, if the cute barista at starbucks asked me to dinner, I'd say no right now. But that doesn't mean I'm not excited and working hard to accept that this excitement is neither taboo nor any sort of betrayal.

What a mind-f****.

Edited August 29, 2015 by Smye

[funredneckgal 17]

Glad you have found counselors that may be able to help. Good luck! :-)

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Just consider this experience the same as every other tough experience in life -- an opportunity for personal growth and the chance to have an even better life than you'd ever imagined you could have had before all this happened.

If I had achieved and experienced in my whole life ONLY what I'd aimed for when I was 20 or 30 or 40 or even 50 I'd never have had the fuller life I have turned out having.

You / we / I cannot limit our dreams and goals to our initial ones. We dream like babies when we're babies. There's so much out there that's possible than our first dreams revealed to us.

When you are through grieving over your old dreams, you'll create some new ones.

[Jessica Ellison-Correa 66]

im sorry your going through this i know its hard but as long as you can salvage the friendship i think you will be better in the long run it hurts right now but it will get better.

[Folly 308]

My husband had a similar experience with his former wife. 12 years into the marriage she "came out" to him. I'm sure a case could be made by an outsider for being angry and punishing toward someone if they're self-righteous enough but honestly, this is such a painful and devastating thing to happen. I just can't see any sense in making it worse with ugliness. I truly hope you both get through this unscathed and intact. *hugs*

[cusoon 18]

*Smye, I completely understand what you're going through. I married my best friend and high school sweetheart and we had a beautiful baby boy. We were married young and got along beautifully, but sex always fell short of my expectations. Because we were best friends, we were able to talk honestly and support each other through his realization that he was gay. There was nothing he could do to change and nothing I could do to change him. So we agreed to always love and help each other, plus pursue other relationships. He came out 25 years ago and we are still best friends. I am remarried to a man who makes me extremely happy. He gets along beautifully with my ex-husband. When you love someone, you want them to be happy. To be honest, I am much happier that he is gay. I was never jealous of the men he dated. I hope that 25 years from now, the two of you are still best friends and participating in each others' lives. I am also hopeful you both find new spouses who can accept the strong and loving relationship that you and your wife have. Good luck to you and your wife. She must be very strong to be able to finally admit her truths to herself and to you.

[jane13 2,256]

@@Smye - keeping you and your family in my prayers.

[Smye 695]

@@Folly, thank you so much for sharing your story, the perspective of the new spouse of a formerly straight spouse is one I haven't heard and it is a huge asset to me to hear it. And thank you for the *hugs* as well, received and warmed! My sympathies & congratulation to your husband. If you don't mind sharing a little more, what was the experience like for you? I'm at the point of considering the possibility of actually, really, truly, coming to love someone else and want to ensure that I am able to support my future spouse through what will undoubtedly be challenging for her as well.

@@cusoon, I'm so sorry you and your ex went through that, it hurts like hell. But I'm so glad to hear your story! I too hope (and trust) that 25 years from now we'll be where you are, but the getting there in the meantime is daunting. For now, we share a bed still, we live together, and ideally will do so until one of us is repartnered, but, for example - how do we navigate this when we start actually seeing other people? What about when/if Mrs. Smye doesn't make enough to support herself, I don't make enough to support a mortgage AND a rent, but (assuming I repartner first) my new partner has moved in etc etc. Long story short - thank you. And yes, Mrs. Smye is made of stronger stuff than I can even conceive of.

@@jane13, thank you!

[Smye 695]

@@VSGAnn2014, thank you.

@@Jessica Ellison-Correa, Agreed on all counts, even the caveat.

[cusoon 18]

@@Smye, My ex and I lived in the same house for quite awhile after we started dating other people. Plus, we worked for the same company many times through the years, so we could stay close. The people who couldn't accept my relationship with my ex weren't worth my time. It was a great way to screen out the bad ones. We have helped each other financially through the years. Your wife started as your best friend and she should continue to hold that role, even if this transition hurts. Once you take the time to grieve the loss of the marriage, it does get better. We had a rocky couple of years at the beginning. Communicating (especially when it hurt the most) was what made it possible to get through the rough times. Don't expect your friends and relatives to understand at first. They feel like they need to pick sides, and that's not what this type of thing is about.

A close girlfriend of mine was married when she came out. She remained living with her ex-husband. When she fell in love with a woman, the three of them lived in the same house until her ex was able to afford to live on his own. They coexisted for years this way. If you put aside what society deems as "normal" for families, you can come up with a solution that works for everyone. My thoughts will be with you. I wish you much happiness.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

These issues really give me a chance to consider what love means. By which I mean "love" that has no other label but "unconditional."

Wow.

[Rogofulm 2,440]

For now, we share a bed still, we live together, and ideally will do so until one of us is repartnered, but, for example - how do we navigate this when we start actually seeing other people?

Ehhhh..... This part makes me nervous. Many years ago I lived next door to a girlfriend who decided we needed to see other people because I wouldn't marry her. We both agreed that would be best, but stayed "together" without actually changing anything, until one day she met someone at a party. They started dating, and shortly thereafter he moved into her house. Well --- All of a sudden I felt strongly about her again. I guess it was more of a possessiveness thing than a true romance thing. But I went into a deep depression, quit eating, lost about 100 pounds, and mourned the relationship until I finally moved away from her and stopped watching her and the new beau through my window. After I moved, I started getting better almost immediately. But my point is, that the proximity may be fine... until one of you starts seeing someone else. Then the pain can be unbearable. And for you, that would be another major hit. You might want to talk to a counselor and/or lawyer about the advisability of moving out before that happens. Just a thought.....

[betrthnever 107]

Somehow this is not cool!!!She is just figuring that out now!!!????Give me a break...what's important that you understand that life is short and you need to live your life happily..lI am not like others..,I am going to tell it like it is...you deserve better,You deserve someone who is going to prefer men and most of all you..."YOU"...ditch this wifey who doesn't wAnt you...you can remain friends if you want.GET YOU BACK..LOVE YOURSELF AND GET OIT THEREAND FIND YOU SOMEONE that will loveYOU...want to have a fulfilling intimates do meaningful relationship with YOU...this wife needs to be EXED.Live your life...this is coming from a cancer survivor!

It isn't uncommon for someone to discover or "admit" to their sexuality later in life, even to themselves. A good friend of mine came out (to herself and to society) after her children were adults.

[Smye 695]

@@betrthnever, HERE HERE!

@@cusoon, thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable and share!

@@VSGAnn2014, no kidding, that's two of us!

@@Rogofulm, I'll admit, were it anyone else, even now going through this myself, I'd give roughly the same advice to them. However (and I admit this might be naive), I don't plan on following it entirely myself - excepting that ABSOLUTELY we're going to be seeing a counselor to help guide us through this process and the deal is 100% open honesty at all stages and a willingness to change the plan when/if need be. Of course it's going to hurt like hell, but I think that's inherent in the vulnerability necessary for us to stay a family in the way we want. Check out Brene Brown (like, read the books more than just the TED talk), it's great stuff.