So it turns out my wife is gay...

[Smye 695]

Hi All,

I know this is a little (or a lot) out of the ordinary for this site, but you all have been a huge support on my WLS journey so far and, well, I need an outlet and some support. I'm not looking for advice or condemnation of my wife, just support and listening ears, and maybe a bridge if anyone on here has gone through something similar. It's a bit of a long story, so thanks for reading.

I met my wife in kindergarten - by the end of September, I'd already proposed. Curiously, she said no. I tried again in December, again, she said no. In all, I think I proposed to her 8 times before we had finished second grade, I asked her out throughout middle and high school, and then, during her senior year of college, after having been best friends for most of our lives, she finally said yes. My dreams came true.

Our marriage has been wonderful, she always has been and always will be my best friend. But sex was never particularly satisfying - I loved it, but knew she wasn't getting much out of it and wasn't attracted to me sexually. It was hard, but our relationship was well worth it. She wasn't gay, we thought, she may not have been attracted to me, but she wasn't attracted physically to anyone. Maybe she was asexual.

Two months ago, we decided together she should pursue counselling to help her work through her own sexuality, to help her know if she was asexual, or repressing her sexuality as the result of some childhood trauma that I won't get into, or something else altogether. We put all sex and physical intimacy on hold to give her the space to go through her process. It was hard, sex is very important to me, but worth it. I never really imagined that what happened last night would come.

Last night she said she wanted to give me an update on her process. "Smye," she said. "I wanted to let you know that in the last few weeks I've felt some stirrings of sexual attraction for the first time and it's scared me really badly. But it's absolutely been happening."

HELL YES, I thought. FINALLY!

Then came the bomb. "And I want you to know, Smye, it's only been towards women. I'm not going to put a label on it yet, I'd give anything to have attraction to you, and maybe I still will. But so far I'm only attracted to women."

S***, S***, S***. I love her, she's still my best friend. And I'm thankful as hell that there's no affair going on to deal with.

I wouldn't trade the 7 years we've had as man and wife so far for anything. And I know she still loves me as much as ever. But it hurts like hell, I don't have a clue what's next, but the research I've (perhaps foolishly done) suggests that only 1/6 of mixed-orientation marriages survive more than 2 years after disclosure. I don't want to lose my wife, I don't want to lose my best friend. But, even if magically she wakes up tomorrow and is attracted to me as the one man she finds attractive, the marriage I thought I had is dead. No matter what happens, I know I need to grieve that.

And I've reached out to the straight spouse network. But while I'm waiting to hear back, having no clue what's next or how I'll even survive the next 10 minutes, I know I need to tell someone and come out of my own closet, so to speak. Has anyone else here been through something similar? Or do you have words of support? I do NOT want "it's god's will" or "it'll be okay" or "it all happens for a reason" etc, nor condemnation of my wife, my marriage, etc. I trust her implicitly, know that this blindsided her as much as it did me, and know too that our marriage was/is based on an incredible friendship that still exists. So don't go hating.

Neither do I want advice. I don't have a clue what it is I'm asking for exactly, but I hurt like hell, I'm terrified, and I know I ought to reach out to keep myself sane. Thanks!

EDIT - PLEASE READ BEFORE REPLYING:

To everyone, thank you again for your support! This is still very much a work in progress and I will be keeping everyone here up to date - for my own therapy if nothing else. A quick note though before lending me your love and support (unless you just want to say 'I hear you, I love you, here are some digital hugs, and take care/let us know if you need anything' - then go for it.)

I HIGHLY recommend you read the entire thread before posting yourself, I know how therapeutic this has been for me. I've received several PM's from folks about how your responses have helped them and/or given them grace for a loved one they didn't previously understand and even one from a person who is considering whether or not to come out to his/her partner him/her-self. And there's also the selfish reason I'd like you to read it all first - the few responses I've gotten that have felt more hateful towards Mrs. Smye and, despite the authors' intentions, hateful towards me and my choices as a result could, I think, have been prevented had the author had the entire up-to-date picture.

Edited August 26, 2015 by Smye

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I am sorry you are going through this. My EX was not gay but had no interest in physical intimacy of any kind. There were signs early on, but over the years it became soul crushing to not be hugged, kissed or receiving any intimacy. i blamed it on my obesity for a long time, but turns out that WASN'T it. I have no answer for it because I still care deeply for him, still miss him. I am single now and at times regret that decision, but truth is I was so terribly lonely being in a relationship where i felt neither part of a couple nor free to be single. This was way beyond the sex part, it was the whole way we interrelated with each other and the world.

Since you clearly love her, i hope you are able to give the process time before making any "permanent" decisions. This must be terribly difficult however.

[Smye 695]

@@CowgirlJane, Thank you! I feel so desperately alone right now, and your post helps some. I'm sorry for your loss also. And yes, I'll definitely wait.

[Babbs 14,681]

@@Smye

I don't have much to say except I'm very sorry you are going through this. How hard this whole thing must be for you!

Please keep going to counseling, even without her, to work through what I know must be terrible pain. Hang in there, buddy. We are all here for you!

[Smye 695]

@@Babbs, thank you!

[lauraellen80 855]

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I'm sure this must be a gut-wrenching thing to deal with...I'm so sorry that you're that you are going through this, @Smye. I agree with @Babbs--going to some counseling by yourself may be helpful as you process the whole situation.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@Smye

I don't know if you use Reddit, but that would probably be a better place to talk about this than here.

Also everyone deserves to be loved, and desired. I'm not going to say anything else, but keep that in mind when you are making your life choices, you deserve someone that loves and desires you, everyone does.

Edited August 24, 2015 by OutsideMatchInside

[Smye 695]

@@lauraellen80, thanks! I've got a few calls in to various psychs in the area and am just waiting to hear back.

[Smye 695]

@@OutsideMatchInside, thanks. I'm loathe to use reddit as the one other gentleman I found there who had submitted something similar received a great deal of bile and venom from those on the site - I'm not in a place where I'm resilient enough to take that right now.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I am not sure which board you looked at, but /r/deadbedroom is understanding, and they have some sub forums. Your situation is a little different since its not just a sexual issue, but a sexual orientation issue. Even if you don't post you can read, there are lots of people that live in marriages without sex and them seem okay.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

My 39 year old daughter just got married on August 15th to her gal pal. As her mother, I oftened wondered if she would lean in that direction eventually. She has had a few short-term boyfriends, but just did not have personal fulfillment in those relationships.

They had a beautiful back yard wedding with supportive friends and family to Celebrate their love.

Coming from a very judgemental and traditional religious background makes it hard to wrap my head around this whole concept of same-sex relationships, but this one thing I know: it's not who you love, but how you love. My daughter has taught me so much about acceptance of people very different from myself.

Just the same as I would support your wife in following her happiness, I would encourage you to do the same. If you had to go your separate ways to accomplish that, it sounds like you could have amicable results. You deserve full companionship as much as anyone else.

Life is too short to be unhappy with a mate who does not reciprocate your affection. She can still be a cherished friend. If you both recognize a disconnection, I wish you the best in finding a way to cope. This is a good time to be open and honest with each other.

Counselling will expose the true dynamics of her sexual orientation one way or the other. If nothing else, maybe the counselor will help her find ways to accept your love and learn how to return that love back to you in an intimate way.

[leag78 469]

Well, I'm sorry that you are going through this and maybe this is something you don't want to hear, but I feel it needs to be said, and I apologize if you take offense, but I believe she's always had these feelings, deep down, and that's why she was never really able to connect with you beyond the friend level. She had intimacy issues because she was sorting through her own repressed desires. Also, even though you love her, and it appears very much, you are very brave to stick it out till she decides whether she does love you or not. Counseling is a great way to deal with all that, yes, but in the end you are going to have to face worst case scenario on this, because eventually she will decide to pursue women. If that happens are you still going to be cool enough to wait and see if she gets the "lesbian" out of her system, sort a speak. Again, if this is not what you want to hear, I deeply apologize but I needed to say it because I really do feel for you and your present situation. Good luck, and stay strong!!

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I have no personal experience to share, other than lots of my male friends being unavailable because they are gay, and a few friends of friends having gone through something similar to your situation. I just know that you are not alone.

And, you will get through the next 10 minutes and the next.

Life won't look the same for you after this new information, but isn't that also what happens with anything significant, like WLS.

It sounds like you are dealing with this in a healthy way: counseling, talking, sharing your feelings.

Trying not to give advice and platitudes is hard!

Sending hugs and prayers your way.

[dhrguru 1,238]

Hi All,

I know this is a little (or a lot) out of the ordinary for this site, but you all have been a huge support on my WLS journey so far and, well, I need an outlet and some support. I'm not looking for advice or condemnation of my wife, just support and listening ears, and maybe a bridge if anyone on here has gone through something similar. It's a bit of a long story, so thanks for reading.

I met my wife in kindergarten - by the end of September, I'd already proposed. Curiously, she said no. I tried again in December, again, she said no. In all, I think I proposed to her 8 times before we had finished second grade, I asked her out throughout middle and high school, and then, during her senior year of college, after having been best friends for most of our lives, she finally said yes. My dreams came true.

Our marriage has been wonderful, she always has been and always will be my best friend. But sex was never particularly satisfying - I loved it, but knew she wasn't getting much out of it and wasn't attracted to me sexually. It was hard, but our relationship was well worth it. She wasn't gay, we thought, she may not have been attracted to me, but she wasn't attracted physically to anyone. Maybe she was asexual.

Two months ago, we decided together she should pursue counselling to help her work through her own sexuality, to help her know if she was asexual, or repressing her sexuality as the result of some childhood trauma that I won't get into, or something else altogether. We put all sex and physical intimacy on hold to give her the space to go through her process. It was hard, sex is very important to me, but worth it. I never really imagined that what happened last night would come.

Last night she said she wanted to give me an update on her process. "Smye," she said. "I wanted to let you know that in the last few weeks I've felt some stirrings of sexual attraction for the first time and it's scared me really badly. But it's absolutely been happening."

HELL YES, I thought. FINALLY!

Then came the bomb. "And I want you to know, Smye, it's only been towards women. I'm not going to put a label on it yet, I'd give anything to have attraction to you, and maybe I still will. But so far I'm only attracted to women."

S***, S***, S***. I love her, she's still my best friend. And I'm thankful as hell that there's no affair going on to deal with.

I wouldn't trade the 7 years we've had as man and wife so far for anything. And I know she still loves me as much as ever. But it hurts like hell, I don't have a clue what's next, but the research I've (perhaps foolishly done) suggests that only 1/6 of mixed-orientation marriages survive more than 2 years after disclosure. I don't want to lose my wife, I don't want to lose my best friend. But, even if magically she wakes up tomorrow and is attracted to me as the one man she finds attractive, the marriage I thought I had is dead. No matter what happens, I know I need to grieve that.

And I've reached out to the straight spouse network. But while I'm waiting to hear back, having no clue what's next or how I'll even survive the next 10 minutes, I know I need to tell someone and come out of my own closet, so to speak. Has anyone else here been through something similar? Or do you have words of support? I do NOT want "it's god's will" or "it'll be okay" or "it all happens for a reason" etc, nor condemnation of my wife, my marriage, etc. I trust her implicitly, know that this blindsided her as much as it did me, and know too that our marriage was/is based on an incredible friendship that still exists. So don't go hating.

Neither do I want advice. I don't have a clue what it is I'm asking for exactly, but I hurt like hell, I'm terrified, and I know I ought to reach out to keep myself sane. Thanks!

I'm so sorry for the pain this is causing you. i have a good friend who just married her GF this weekend. I knew her when she was married to a man. I never asked any questions, but can say I saw it unfolding while she was married. It's hard for an outsider to wrap thier head around; so I can only imagine how you feel.

I hope you find the support you need to get you through this.

[Smye 695]

@@Inner Surfer Girl, thank you thank you thank you. It's so weird, I know I'll get through this, but I feel so deeply that the world should just stop spinning, how can anything normal carry on? But it does.

@@leag78, I'm not in a place to hear that right now, but when I am (as I cognitively know I will have to be at some point), I will read your post thoroughly, thank you.

@@Miss Mac, but I truly can't fathom being happy with anyone else either. Sure, I know I could love again blah blah blah (I don't buy the one-and-only soulmate stuff), but I think I'd always feel like I was emotionally cheating on my future spouse should I go that route because deep down I'd always be longing for my current wife and best friend rather than really deeply loving newspouse the most.

@@dhrguru, thank you! Your last line was phenomenally supportive.