My dad and his wife....

[choosehope 233]

As I get closer to the time of my surgery (one month), it is becoming more and more difficult to not tell my dad. He knows I'm having surgery and wants to know why. I've told him its a personal issue but feel like I'm not being honest. I have a very close family, and my dad has supported me through several treatments for food addiction. Frankly, I want my dad's support and encouragement.

However, dad got remarried ten years ago - five years after my mom's death- and his wife is difficult. She tends to be a know it all and to be very judgmental. Even though there are only twelve years between our ages, she likes to tell me and my sibs how to live. She has a quick easy answer for everything and is one of those southern ladies who can smile, saying bless your heart, while she stabs you in the back. I'm being a bit unfair as she does love my dad and makes him happy. However, I just don't want her to be a part of this journey. I'm so torn between wanting to talk with my dad (86 years old) and wanting to keep it from her and I just don't know how to do both.

Anyone in a similar situation? I'd love to know how you handled it? Thanks so much!!

[choosehope 233]

Btw, yes I am working on these issues in therapy as I obviously need to. Probably the real issue is that at 56, my first thought when it comes to surgery is "I want my mommy!"

[Cervidae 2,389]

This journey is not an easy one, as I'm sure you know, and the more support you can get, the better. If you think your father would be supportive and a help to you during this time, then i would say, just tell him. Perhaps try to talk to him on his own, and then you two can discuss if it's worth telling his wife. I told very few people in my life for this same reason; I did not want to judgement from people who have no idea what they are talking about, or pity, or ridicule. People can be downright cruel, especially when they think they know everything but in reality know nothing about your situation or your perspective. But don't let one.. ahem... busybody prevent you from connecting to someone who loves you and cares about you and could be a big help for you during this long and difficult journey. You deserve far better than that.

That's just my opinion though. whatever you choose, good luck to you. At the very least you have the caring and support of all of us here.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Choosehope, not only are you trying to get mentally healthy with therapy, you are choosing to get physically healthy with WLS too ! Good for you for putting yourself 1st ! We are about the same age ( im 57) , and it was always me in last place, very typical of being a Mom, everybody and everything else came 1st. Well, not anymore ! Tell Dads wife that youre finally putting yourself 1st, and that your health is more important than her negative, uninformed comments. Just because she' s your Dads wife "who makes him happy " doesn't give her the right to be a "know it all and judgemental" on your journey to be healthy. Stay strong ! You can do this ! Good luck !!!

[Djmohr 6,965]

@@choosehope

It sounds like you and your Dad are close so I understand why this is so tough.no one can tell you what to do here but the important thing is to guage whether or not he will support your decision prior to telling him.

And trust that he will likely tell his spouse. Just prepare yourself to defend your decision. This is all about getting healthy and WLS is the number 1 cure for obesity. Simply explain that this is something you need to do to get healthy.

"Yes, I could diet and exercise but the weight will still be there or will come back, I have proven it over and over again in my life. This is my best chance to get healthy and keep my weight off for good."

explain what you need from them and if you have to what you don't need from them. Many times when you tell your parents they are mostly scared for you.

[Mountaingal 322]

Choosehope you are far from alone with this one. I am in the same position with my son and his wife. I know she would not approve and for years anything even a sneeze would be the result of my poor choice! I mentioned to her about medical quality

Protein shakes with one regular meal as a way to lose some weight and got a huffy "whatever you want" answer. No chance of a conversation about it. I'd like to tell my son as you would your dad but hate the idea of him keeping a secret from his wife! Now I don't see my son often and eat with him less frequently and am wondering if questions will come up at Thanksgiving.Time will tell. Are you near your father and will eating with them be an issue? Oh these judgemental people........I wish you good luck with this tough decision.

[tls1210 25]

Oh do I understand where you are coming from. My surgery is tomorrow and I haven't told my Dad. I even went to Florida, for 10 days, to visit him, with intentions of telling him (I just got home a few days ago). I never told him. My Dads wife is a very know it all person, if you'd listen to her talk, you would think there isn't anything she doesn't know - much sarcasm here, lol. Anyway, when I was visiting, it was weird, like she knew what I was having done. She kept saying things like why would people change their anatomy for any reason. You're just asking for problems - your body is the way it is for a reason." Then she told me about someone she knows that had some kind of wls and "he looks great,but I hope he doesn't have any complications." So, I never mentioned my Gastric Bypass surgery. I am very torn. I feel I should tell my Dad in case something would happen tomorrow, but yet, I don't think I want to tell them. I don't have any advice, for you. I can only offer support because I'm in the same boat.

[FocusOnMeNow 599]

Or how bout tell your Dad one on one and if she brings it up simply change the subject. If she brings it up again, then just ask her point blank why she thinks it concerns her and/or where she got her medical degree?

[FocusOnMeNow 599]

And or that you appreciate her concern but that you were not seeking her advice or opinion on the topic rather are relying on your doctor and supportive friends and family for the support that you need. I'm five days out and having some anger management issues myself. Can you tell?

[jfc193 718]

As a dad I would want to know, but understand this is a very difficult situation. You have already made the hardest decision to have the surgery.

Whether the wife accepts your decision or not is not going to change the fact that you are having a life changing event in your life, and more than likely this decision will not be the last decision you and the wife will disagree on.

I would also agree with you I miss my mommy as well.

[More than this 116]

Lol...I have my mommy living with me...I cry "I miss my freedom" sometimes....just goes to prove we are never happy...

I think about your dilemma & it reminds me of the question people ask themselves if they have cheated....should I tell my wife or husband....

So they tell their spouse & they don't have to worry about should or shouldn't...the spouse then has to deal with it....but although u feel better for having fessed up, you have put it on your spouses shoulders what the fallout will be, if any...& that's not fair either

So what I am trying to say is perhaps putting this on your dad's shoulders isn't right because it leaves him caught in the middle...wanting to keep your secret but also needing to not hide things from his southern "bell"...la ding-a-ling....just kidding...

Is it worth it? I would say don't do it to your dad...do what u need to do for u because sometimes we have to swallow what we want to make things easier on someone else.

I pray things will work out for u both. I am 54 & my surgery is coming up in mid October...my munis worried about how it's going to affect her cooking, since she won't be able to cook just for herself...& why can't I eat just a little bit of the white Pasta....lol...Italians.....

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

You're 56 years old.

Don't tell him.

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

You're 56 years old. Don't tell him.

@@choosehope

i agree with @@VSGAnn2014

my dad passed when mom was 65 - she remarried 5 years later

i didn't care for her new husband, but he loved and cared for her

but he also had his "situations" opinions, unwanted advice to me (and other family members)

chose not to talk to mom about it

her husband died a few years ago

she is now 85, and alone

good luck

kathy

[Sajijoma 1,324]

I understand how you feel. I'm kind of the same way but opposite with my sister-in-law. I WANT to tell her, because we are close and I love her to death, but I don't because I don't want my brother to know. All my brothers have been overweight all their lives. Super morbidly obese to be more realistic. They always laugh and scoff and ridicule any effort I make to get healthy even going as far as to dance food in front of me and laugh saying "I bet you wish you could have some, but noooo you can't so go eat your lettuce and cry yourself to sleep!" And think it's hilarious! For this reason none of my family knows, but God I want to tell my SIL so badly. She is like a real honest to God sister to me and it is hard not to tell her, but I can't risk THEM finding out. So I struggle.

[Cheri_j 117]

Something I learned from therapy - you have to live with your decisions, not these other people. You are not seeking their approval. If they don't like it, tough titty. I know I did this to save my life. And more than likely, you are doing it for the same reason.

You can tell them that you are informing them of your decision, that you are having a life-saving surgery, their approval is not needed, and this is what you've chosen to do with YOUR life. End of discussion. I know, easier said than done for most.

Confidence is not "they will like me" "I want their approval"

Confidence is "I'll be fine if they don't"