Is this ever going to stop?

[gowalking 10,790]

As time goes on, I get more and more used to the new smaller me. I think I'm starting to match what I see with how I feel but then something brings me right back to the old me again. I stopped at Dunkin Donuts just now to get a Coolatta Lite. I saw it advertised the other day when I was getting an iced coffee so I figured I'd try one. I didn't see the ad in the store for it so I asked the woman behind the counter for the lite version...but I called it 'low-cal' version and suddenly, I felt like the fat girl again...all embarrased about asking for something that was lower in calories and knowing the person was thinking, 'why bother? You need alot more help than ordering a low-cal coffee drink'

Now, I know this was in my head, and not in the counterperson's head. But all the old feelings came rushing back...embarrasement and guilt...and I can't help but wonder if that will ever stop. Will I always feel like a fat girl even when I know I'm not? Will those old feelings stop or am I doomed to have these feelings for ever? I even felt embarrased when I was walking with the drink in my hand. Again...felt like all eyes were on me...look at that fat chick drinking like a thousand calories.

I'm sitting here back in my house and feeling horrible...and I didn't even do anything. What's wrong with me??

[Bandora 136]

I think that is completely normal. In some clothing stores I feel like I am an imposter. I am not at my goal but I am close. I definitely fit in regular sizes. Sometimes I feel the salesclerk will " catch" me and advise me " we do not carry your size". I do not know where this paranoia comes from.

[lmm300missouri 95]

Omg you are 118 who gives a crap what they may or may not think, Celebrate girl you are a winner. Post that on your mirror. My shrink said I need to live in the moment, which to me sounded like a Hollywood line but when I can't sleep I just tell myself my job for this moment is to fall asleep not conjure world peace. Yours is to LOVE yourself each time you feel someone might be thinking otherwise. You go girl.

[McButterpants 2,846]

Yeah...the fat girl syndrome, right?

For me, I catch myself having those old thoughts - like when I walk into a room, looking at the path I can take so I don't hit anyone with my arse as I walk by...That doesn't happen any more, why do I think that it will? Still feeling weird eating in front of people - not all the time, but some of that "old me" comes creeping back in.

Goes to show this is a lifelong journey and we are all works in progress.

Keep your chin up!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

@@gowalking ... seriously, I really don't think that's "normal." I don't feel that way when I order a "skinny latte." Not at all.

Are you really "... sitting here back in my house and feeling horrible...."?

If so, what do YOU think is going on?

[devillynn 193]

i have some of those same feelings to a certain degree - it is hard to go from being overweight and just a short time later not - i dont think my mind has had time to get caught up with my body changes yet - but i am starting to feel more comfy in my skin and i am not so worried about what others are thinking about me anymore. i'm starting to feel more at home in this new body.

[stacyg1 136]

This happens to me everyday. I had a work meeting out at Disneyland and a few staff members asked me to pick up some candy for them. I agreed and took six prepackaged bags to the register. The girl ringing me up looked at me and said "I sure hope you're not eating all this by yourself." I immediately went back to fat girl thoughts and felt mortified! At the time I was 125lbs and there's no way she would have guessed my former status, but that's exactly where my mind went. I couldn't wait to walk out of the store. The rest if my time there I was trying to figure out a place to hide the bag so no one could see that I went to the candy store. I'm waiting for the day that my brain catches up to my body, but I fear that I will always have the fat girl lurking just below the surface

[glitter eyes 1,398]

I think having feelings like that are completely normal. It's like having some type of post traumatic stress syndrome. When I was heavy I used to get treated so awful by the Victoria secret workers when I went in there to buy things for my skinny minny daughter. They would ignore me and when they did look my way I swear they were going to start throwing rocks.

After I lost my weight and decided to shop there for myself my anxiety was through the roof. I felt like they were going to scream "imposter" and throw me out. LOL

I took me a few trips in there to get over it.

I think we all have those rare moments when we have those feelings of being overweight come back to haunt us.

That being said- gowalking you are amazing and should be so proud. You look fab and are living a great fun filled life!! Hang in there.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

I dont know if or when things will change for you, but as you said once " thats why Im in therapy !" I'm still so stinkin' thrilled with the weight loss, that some of the time I dont even think about what I used to weigh. But when I do, I consider it part of the journey to live my life. We've all had non weight related accidents or traumas in our past, and yes, im still affected by them daily, but I try to not dwell on them and move forward, heathy and happy. Being overweight may be one of your "traumas " that will always affect you. Consider loosing the weight as your badge of honor, and be proud of yourself and your journey !!!

[lmm300missouri 95]

Since I am "post surgery" now (how fun is that to say) and it's only been a couple of days. I'm not even back to surgery morning weight I feel like it maybe strange for me to say but I do understand! I've been thin before, I've even had people give me the EYE in the grocery store on both occasions when I've had a cart of healthy food and when I've had a cart of pure taste. All and I mean all, people have their own issues with food, I have met a few rare people that do not and they are weird. I'm sure I will again have more of those feelings of I'll eat it so fast no one will know, or I'll hide it for later. ( I know eating fast won't be an issue) it hurts like hell on wheels! Getting the weigh off quickly probably is hard on the brain

[Bandista 7,466]

Dunkin Donuts seems like the perfect storm of a setting for triggering situational shame. For those of us who became obese because we were feeding some need within ourselves, a hole inside that needed filling, the embarrassment of having that appetite on display is a deep vein inside. It was not eating due to normal hunger, it was the hunger for something else (in my case, "I am not enough," etc.). Those triggers can really catch us off-guard. It's one thing to be excavating and examining our feelings in a safe environment (like here -- thank you all), but when something bubbles up unexpectedly out in the world it can be alarming. Being in an "outlaw" kind of place for an obese person -- a donut shop, pizza parlor or ice cream parlor, etc. -- must have pushed an old button inside. You are a deeply feeling and empathetic person. We are all the same people we were before, just differently-sized and heads screwed on better, but those feelings of being judged and how hurt we often were may need to be processed over time. After all, in my case I was not confronting that shame at the time -- like so much else (guilt, anxiety, fear, even joy), I was tamping it all down with food instead of experiencing it. Pat yourself on the back for letting yourself really experience what you were feeling, even if it didn't feel good, and realize what tremendous strides you have made in such a short period of time. You are amazing, Liz, and I love your thoughtful posts and how much I am able to process when I get to engage with others who have been in the same boat. Now I feel like I'm in a lifeboat, that I saved myself by choosing to get healthy. That is something to Celebrate.

[ralambert511 4]

I've been listening to the Life Coach School podcast on recommendation from my therapist and she teaches that our thoughts create our feelings and our feelings dictate our actions. I bring this up because you don't have to "feel" like the "fat girl" if you stop thinking like the fat girl. Be proud of your accomplishments! You've worked hard and deserve your new body and life! Instead of feeling embarrassment for ordering the lite version, think, "I deserve this and I'm making a good choice for my health and weight goals." Thinking different thoughts will help you to feel proud and empowered instead of embarrassment and shame. Definitely check out the podcast because Brooke Costillo explains it way better than me lol I think episode 1 introduces the idea.

[gowalking 10,790]

As always I so appreciate everyone's input. I like that reference to PTSD...I think that fits. It was like a flashback...

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

When I read this I thought it was a stress reaction. Bandista made good points too. Was DD a binge shop for you before?

Today I saw another college mom I haven't seen in two years. Our daughters roomed together as freshmen and sophomores and are rooming together again as seniors. She has not seen me (except for a Christmas card photo) since my surgery. I am 100 pounds lighter than the last time she saw me.

She told me I looked great and I thanked her, but inside I was thinking I looked pudgy, dumpy and a hot mess because I wasn't wearing my body shaper under my t-shirt, my hair was pulled up in a ponytail, and I had minimal makeup on. Nuts, right? This negative self talk is so hard to battle!!!