ok, first date story/question

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I reluctantly agreed to meet a man for a beverage (feeling jaded lately not too into dating at the moment) and we hit it off pretty well so we went to a daytime music festival that was happening right in that small town he lives in/I go to alot. We had a good time, did a little swing dancing etc. He tried to talk me into going back to his apartment, an invitation i declined but hey, can't fault a guy for trying right? He was being very flirty which culiminated in pulling my hair... lets just say in a way that seemed very intimate.

Reminder - middle of the day, out in public at a music festival in a small town where i am well known/see people i know all the time.

I felt embarrassed and actually a bit appalled. I am a physical person interested in an intimate relationship eventually, so I don't want to rule out someone just because he is interested in sex, but I felt anxiety when he texted me asking for a second date and I haven't decided what to do.

So,I am asking for opinion of other singles... am I being a weird prude?

[laguerr13 993]

I m happily married now, but in still a guy so I hope you'll accept this, we have many facets as men that make us charming to the opposite sex, but if you feel a connection or are inclined to think this might work, then it is your job to set the ground rules and boundaries by using straight talk, you will not only eliminate any problems with the other person, but since we are not teenagers you will also know right away if he thinks or feels the same as you do, or if his trophy case is bare and wants another set of antlers so to speak, relationships work because of attraction, like interests, and COMMUNICATION!, so if you think you are really interested don't lead him on, be specific and call the shots, he may surprise you, or you move on, my wife told me on the second date that I was gonna marry her.........and I did!!?lol

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Tough one, he might have learned that move on one of these sites: http://thedudesociety.com/2011/03/shut-up-and-pull-my-hair/

It sounds like your female intuition is kicking in and you know date two will be intimacy or bust. So the question is how frisky are you feeling? I think this one sounds like romp in hay only, if he was pushing that hard for sex. Not that I think there is anything wrong with it.

Completely your call. If you want sex, call him, if not, just let him know, "just not that interested in jumping in the sack this soon, sorry, no date."

Edited August 18, 2015 by OKCPirate

[CloserToFine 172]

@@CowgirlJane, I agree with the posters above that the guy in question wants sex and soon. Pulling your hair is an intimate act, regardless of which men's magazine he learned the technique from.

Practically the first thing you said is that you "reluctantly" agreed to meet the guy. Feeling embarrassed and appalled by his actions is a very clear sign that something's amiss. If I were you, I'd back away.

Remember Maya Angelou's quote:

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I actually don't know what to think.

I am 51, and have twice entered into a dating/let's see if we might grow a relationship with men no longer interested in sex. It was disappointing to say the least. As a self reflective person I have asked the question "what am I doing to contribute to attract this situation?" Like do I select for men who have many good attributes but not necessarily seeking this in a relationship? I am trying to not repeat that experience but at the same time I am not a hookup kinda person.

This sounds really snotty but it is the truth..if I wanted just a hookup, I have plenty of options in the much younger, fit and hot crowd (the whole MILF thing) and I wouldn't need to deal with the online dumbness. I actually want to date one person with the hopes that it turns into a relationship with all benefits so that is why I seek my own age, compatible interests, reasonable location etc.

Anyway, I think I will accept, give it another chance....and if it comes up find a way to address where my mind and feelings are on the topic and let the chips fall where they may.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@CowgirlJane - I am surprised, you don't even look close to 51. But I'm with you, I don't want to date anyone who's not close to my age. At least you get called a MILF, I'd be called a perv.

[ezbeinggreen 50]

Hey CowGirlJane - I have been in a similar dating place as you, still pretty much am. I am 44 and single, never married. Close a few times but no cigar. Around 2009 when I hit the peak of my weight loss with the Band (now gone), I was suddenly attracting a lot more male attention, some of it way too aggressive like you mention above and most of it was unwanted. I think it was timing - i was meeting a lot of men going through their midlife crisis and worse, was hit on by a lot of married men - even the husbands of friends! It sucked, to say the least and really turned me off from marriage and dating all together. I think for a lot of us women after significant weight loss, we are experiencing this kind of attention for the first time and it is uncomfortable. Women who never struggled with their weight and who are reasonably attractive have had to deal with this stuff their entire lives, so I think they have just gotten used to it. Years ago, I had this one friend who was the cutest thing you'd ever seen - petite, great figure (dressed conservatively), pretty and smart, funny - men would trip over themselves around her all the time. She never seemed to notice, she was numb to it. i think it is because she has to deal with it her entire life, she just had blinders on and never even reacted to any of it. The difference between us and her is that she has had her entire life to develop her coping mechanism for this type of attention.

I know the psychologist in my Band program warned us about this, so I wouldn't beat yourself up about it or get too discouraged. All you can do is remain strong, stick to your convictions (what ever they are), and keep your safety in mind. if you want to hook up with this guy, go for it - that's your business. If you aren't ready but like spending time with him, tell him that. If he is a jerk about it, he wasn't worth your time in the first place. Or don't say anything and just make sure you stay in public places and don't put yourself in a compromising position. The point is you don't owe this guy anything. I know it is hard to get out of what I like to call the "fat girl" mindset - being insecure because of your body so you worry too much about what everyone else thinks, wanting people to like you, focusing on pleasing them vs yourself because you want them to accept you, yada yada - but you aren't her anymore. You are a hot piece of a-- he needs to work for now. LOL. I am just kidding but you get my drift. It's all about you now, who cares what he wants or thinks. :-)

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

@@ezbeinggreen your comments are very valid, but I am a little further down the road. I went through the "everybody is looking at me and it's weird" phase. I went through the whole mysterious world of understanding how I am seen by others. I have no problem saying "no" and setting boundaries, I was just very puzzled by this interaction. The only reason i even gave it all a second thought was because I have had the unfortunate experience of entering into a "relationship' with someone who is no longer interested in physical intimacy (likely for emotional reasons I guess) and don't really want to repeat that so I want to be sure I don't rule someone out just because they are still interested in it. Does not mean I intend to "hook up" as seems to be implied on this thread - that just is not my style.

On another note, I went to a dance lesson at a different place last night. It is kind of awesome that my friend and I got swooped up by experienced partners right away so we had a fun and great lesson! My "partner" knows lots of dances and after our 2 step class he showed me waltz and chacha basics too. He is at that place 3 nights a week and likes dancing with lots of ladies so I now have a connection there.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@ezbeinggreen - Very good and insightful post. It reminds me of the experience of American nurses in Viet Nam. Since they were the only American women there, they had their choice of good looking fit young men and were constantly being hit on. When they come back to the states and they felt invisible. In short it was too much for a year and then suddenly the attention was gone. Drove many to absolute despair.

@@CowgirlJane - I am enjoying getting a women's perspective on this. Thanks for starting the topic.

While the new attention I am getting isn't over the top, I'm really enjoying it, but I think if women pursued like too many men do, I think it would freak me out.

[ezbeinggreen 50]

@@CowgirlJane i am sorry if you thought I implied you were intending to keep things casual. I thought it was clear from your post that you want the exact opposite. I just meant that as a generalization for anyone who may be reading this thread and struggling with the new attention. If the question as to whether or not the pulling your hair thing was weird - YES. That is way to intimate for a first date, and kind of strange in general.

It sounds like this guy could be just a "dog" as they say. In my 30s I met a guy on match.com, we had a great first date and he too was forward and asked if I wanted to come back to his place that same night. I said no, and he was like OK no worries, I still want to see you again anyway. We ended up dating for 3 months before he finally got around to telling me he had no interest in being in a serious/exclusive relationship. Of course that was after our relationship had become sexual, which I think was a really crappy thing for him to do. Lesson learned on my part.