Wanting to love myself.

[_Kate_ 2,224]

I was about to answer someone’s post when I thought I'd rather not derail it and instead start my own. This is hard for me as I am not usually a person to open up to strangers so please bear with me.

For a long time, even in my teenage years I would be a bit ‘chubby’, not fat but a little over weight. When I look back I can laugh, as my idea about dieting and losing weight, was to drop the 4 or 5 lbs I put on over Christmas or family holidays. I was about a UK 10 which is a USA 8. I heard from my Mum all the time, “If you could only lose a few pounds you’d be happy”. That confused me as I always thought I was happy!! My Mum had a 24 inch waist when she married and had a 24 inch waist after having me 7 years later. She came from the generation where you dressed to clean the house or do the gardening, so I don’t blame her mind set but it hurt me, a lot.

When I married my first husband I was already a slim 8 stone 4lbs (116lbs) and only put weight on during my pregnancies and lost it afterwards and was around 10 stone (140lbs). Then my thyroid stopped working, my body ate it up and to cut short a 22 year story of hell and despair I put a lot of weight on. I tried so hard to lose weight but between my thyroid, depression, moving every 2 years (my ex-husband is military) AND my own inability to stop putting food into my mouth, I failed time and time again. Seventeen years ago my Mum told me that she was very disappointed in me. She had no complaints about me as a Mother, she felt I was an outstanding Mum however everything else disappointed her. I disappointed her. She told me, her only child, not to visit anymore as I was FAT and embarrassed her. I haven’t seen her since.

I was unhappy in my first marriage and ate as a comfort. I also thought the fat would stop him wanting to touch me. It was a shield and if it was there nothing could hurt me. He wasn’t abusive, we had a good lifestyle and at times a good marriage but there was no real emotion there for me or the kids. I am not blaming him either, he just couldn’t do the connection thing on any levels. After 25 years of being together we divorced. food was now my partner and I stayed fat.

I met my second husband online 7 years ago. Online is easier isn’t it, you type and people don’t ‘see’. People can get to know you before they see the blubber. I was safe and felt secure. Even when we skyped about 4 months after sending emails and chatting on messenger, he only saw my face and you can always angle the webcam to make yourself look 40lbs lighter, only use it at night when the house lights are dimmed and wear black! We finally met and as the saying goes, ‘that was that!’ He saw past the fat. For 3 years he drove down from his home in the north of England to see me (I live in the south) every weekend. The drive was about 5/6 hours and he never ever missed a single weekend. We married 4 years ago this October. Not wanting to sound big headed but he worships me, loves and adores me. He accepts me for who and what I am and I am so blessed.

I always kept it in mind in the past that I had to diet for ME. Now I have had the surgery for US. I want to be around for a long time so we can enjoy life together. Doing it for US doesn’t mean I don’t want to be able to buy ‘skinny women’s’ clothes and get into a swimming pool without feeling I was going to pass out with shame. I want to peel back the layers and open myself up to life, grab it with both hands and shake it till it bleeds. I don’t want to waste any more time.

So yes ~ I keep to all the rules, yes ~ I’m not rushing to the next stage because I am tired of one week of soft foods, yes ~ I will wait to listen to my body and not my head or my fears, yes ~ I may make mistakes, learn from it and move on rather than sabotage it.

Yes. I can begin to love me.

[lachellove 486]

I love your story and admire your courage to open up ..????????????

[jane13 2,256]

thanks for sharing

[tjstark 74]

Oh Kate, you have come a long way! Big applause for sharing such personal moments with us. I really hope you get to have the life you want for you and your husband.

[Soozern 75]

Woo Hoo - Go girl! I think you are great! Total inspiration and SO glad I met you when I did xxx

[TealSister 296]

Thank you for sharing your story. Unfortunately, I'm sure many of us can relate to all or part of it. Best wishes in your continued success with life and your new WLS journey!

[_Kate_ 2,224]

Thank you so much to those who have replied. Not sure why I posted this today but I spent the afternoon crying. Feels like a release of the past.

Once again ty for your comments xxx

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know first hand how devastating disappointment and disapproval from those we love can be.

Congratulations for embracing this change and opening up to us about your story. Both are very loving things to do for yourself.