When your spouse/significant other is still obese...

[betrthnever 107]

My friend's husband decided to have lap band surgery after she had RNY. She lost weight, he gained so much, even with the band, and ended up having to have it taken out two years later. He is bigger then ever and she has gained some of her weight back, too. We talk about this, her and I. She says that eating together is like "foreplay". She loves him and wouldn't fat shame, although she is very worried about his health.

[CowgirlJane 14,260]

I want to suggest that you consider counseling.

Now, I hate counseling...haha... so i make this recommendation because what i hear is genuine love and concern for your husband. What I fear is that over time... say, the next 2 years, this turns into a whole lot of other emotions.

[dhrguru 1,238]

Though not weight related-- hubby and I have had counseling out to wazoo. Not something I'm willing to pursue at the moment - I'm a bit drained of it.

He went to the gym last night-- I was so happy he chose to. I hope he keeps it up.

I want to suggest that you consider counseling.

Now, I hate counseling...haha... so i make this recommendation because what i hear is genuine love and concern for your husband. What I fear is that over time... say, the next 2 years, this turns into a whole lot of other emotions.

[gowalking 10,790]

For me...it's an obese sibling. I'm very close to my sister and we were the fat girls for a long time. Now I'm not fat and she still is. I don't care what she looks like but I worry about her health as does my brother. He got into running a few years ago and is in the best shape of his life. I am much healthier now...even my children no longer worry about me as they once did.

But my sister is not on the same page as me...and I don't know if she will ever be. We always planned to retire and live near each other in Florida and now I'm not so sure she will grow old with me. I love her dearly but know that I cannot come on strong about this. She will succeed only if she makes the decision herself to lose the weight...but I hope she does.

When we walked the Brooklyn Bridge a couple of weeks ago, we had to stop about 1/3 of the way because sis and I were walking and talking and I forgot how hard it is to do that when you can't catch your breath. I had to wait for her to rest. The fact that I didn't need to, and she did, did not make me feel good at all. It only served to make me more concerned about her health.

I don't know what, if anything, I can do...so I love her and hope that she takes control of her situation and we become two skinny minnies together.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

My boyfriend and I are in our mid-sixties. We had both been thrown away twice by the time we met nine years ago. I was short and round, he is tall and thin, but smokes. The one thing we appreciate most about each other is that neither one of us has asked the other to change. We realize that health and habit changes are very personal decisions.

To comment on food as foreplay: It is at our house, too, but in a healthy way. He is from Malta and has crazy Mediterranean cooking skills. It did not take him long to figure out that my favorite aphrodesiac is the smell of onions and garlic cooking. A man who cooks is very sexy.

We make adjustments now to compensate for the change in my nutrition requirements. If he makes spagetti and meatballs, I pass on the Pasta and have meatballs with extra cheese. He makes homemade breads and eats some every day. I might have one thin slice when it first come out of the oven, but bread has a tendancy to sit in my new stomach like playdough. So, if he has a Peanut Butter sandwich, I might have Peanut Butter on a spoon.

pizza was one of my favorite foods before. Now he just takes one of those big giant mushrooms and bakes my favorite sauce and toppings on that. It is sexy to me that he is considerate of my dietary needs and goes out of his way to make what I can eat as delicious as possible. My dear beloved ice cream has been replaced with ricotta and Greek yogurt blended with vanilla and some sweetener. It has way fewer carbs and helps meet my Protein requirements.

Our day still revolves around the kitchen and we still enjoy eating together very much. I eat anything I want, but what I want has changed. You don't have to match your mate bite for bite to enjoy a meal together. We accept each other "as is" and don't apply any pressure to change anything.

[sweettea 300]

@@Miss Mac

You made me smile. Congratulations!

[sweettea 300]

I'm really worried about my husband. I want to talk to him, but I don't want it to sound like fat shaming. He had the surgery six months before me. He lost 75 pounds. His BMI is still in the obese range. He's eating to much, and eating the wrong things. His back hurts him all the time. Now his knees are hurting him. Can you stretch your stomach back out?

[dhrguru 1,238]

For me...it's an obese sibling. I'm very close to my sister and we were the fat girls for a long time. Now I'm not fat and she still is. I don't care what she looks like but I worry about her health as does my brother. He got into running a few years ago and is in the best shape of his life. I am much healthier now...even my children no longer worry about me as they once did.

But my sister is not on the same page as me...and I don't know if she will ever be. We always planned to retire and live near each other in Florida and now I'm not so sure she will grow old with me. I love her dearly but know that I cannot come on strong about this. She will succeed only if she makes the decision herself to lose the weight...but I hope she does.

When we walked the Brooklyn Bridge a couple of weeks ago, we had to stop about 1/3 of the way because sis and I were walking and talking and I forgot how hard it is to do that when you can't catch your breath. I had to wait for her to rest. The fact that I didn't need to, and she did, did not make me feel good at all. It only served to make me more concerned about her health.

I don't know what, if anything, I can do...so I love her and hope that she takes control of her situation and we become two skinny minnies together.

My sister had VSG about 2 years before my RNY. My niece, her daughter, had lap bad, and my cousin also had lap band & a TT. We were the the four 'fatties in the family. It absolutely crossed my mind (a lot) that I was the lone fatty left. They never once prodded, shamed or otherwise coaxed me into dieting, exercise. I did feel a 'distance' since our common 'thing' was no longer food, and that hurt a bit. My sister seemingly got closer with the "skinny" sister in the family. It all good now-- though I don't think the nature of our relationship will ever be what it used be-- and that may not be a totally bad thing.

Now all of us have inspired my brother to work at losing weight.

[Pinkgirl1234 761]

If your spouse needs WLS get him on board.Obesity is no joke!!!!

[VDB 800]

My son-in-law's dad is a bariatric surgeon. He says absolutely, all types of surgery can be defeated, but you have to work at it. In the honeymoon year after surgery, most people lose large amounts but he says by two years, significant gain could happen, and after three to four years, the patient can be back to pre-surgery weight. RNY is most subject to pouch stretching, but pouch stretching is only one way to defeat the surgery. Carbs, empty carbs, is the dominant way patients defeat this, lack of Protein and taking supplements is another big one,

[Pinkgirl1234 761]

Dhrguru...How are your sisters doing with the VSG,lap band etc.?Why did you opt for the Bypass.I am torn between revision to The sleeve or Bypass.

[dhrguru 1,238]

Dhrguru...How are your sisters doing with the VSG,lap band etc.?Why did you opt for the Bypass.I am torn between revision to The sleeve or Bypass.

My sister who had VSG has never made it to goal. her starting weight was over 300#, lowest she made it to was about 250ish. She works out hard core, but IMO wasn't eating well and drinks too much alcohol. She is now @ 260 and doesn't like the fact I'm approaching where she is. She is working at eating better.

My neice who had lap band lost almost all her excess weight, from over 300 down to 178ish. She has gained back to about 230. She's young and in love for the first time in her life-- love will make you gain every time :-) Though-- her BF just had VSG-- so i think she's determined to not let him get lower than her.

My cousin has a band complication now and had to be unfilled-- and she has started to gain. Her insurance won't cover revisions- so she's stuck.

I chose RNY because I saw my sister with VSG was still able to eat a lot of crap after her surgery. I knew the malabsorption feature would help *if* I chose to eat crap. And we both loved sweets...I also wanted the 'safeguard' of dumping to keep me away-- but it looks like I tolerate sugars so far. My sister gets heartburn and throws up more than I care for-- I didn't want to live like that. (and for the record-- I thrown up a handful of times in my life-- mostly pregnancy related-- anything beyond that is abnormal in my head.)

I never wanted band-- too many complications and too much risk of not maximizing my weight loss considering my high starting BMI.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

If your spouse needs WLS get him on board.Obesity is no joke!!!!

Oh, yeah.

That's easily done. Not.

Who got me on board? Me.

Did anyone here actually ever have someone "talk them into" dealing successfully with their obesity?

[gbveteran4d 9]

Your status shouldn't really change your approach to this. Whether you're fat, skinnny, post-op, pre-op, it's your job to support your partner if he or she is struggling. You can use this opportunity to make changes around the house, and certainly where you go to eat and he'll likely lose weight. Use your condition as an excuse to help curb his unhealthy behavior.

I was so scared of blod clots early on that I would walk religiously and bring my g/f with me. Now that I'm passed that window, our walks have continued. We don't eat out often because I can't eat out most places etc etc. I don't keep many carbs in the house because I can't eat them. She doesn't eat junk food in front of me because she doesn't want me to feel bad or left out. So now she's losing weight just by me being around.

Good luck.

[Veronica Page 488]

I personally said to my spouse hey I got this surgery to be a better wife and mom to our family. I need you to do the same, I told him the benefits or eating right and instead of making him feel bad I told him how great he looked just after 5lbs, He has lost 20 so far. I just don't enable bad eating habits but cooking most of the time and trying not to bring it in the house so no one gets tempted by it. I hope you figure it out and have a healthy journey together.