Self sabotage

[elrios1 47]

Well I was told yesterday I was approved for surgery and now I need to make an appointment to see the surgeon and he will then give me a surgery date. Waiting for them to call me to make that appointment.

Did anyone ever feel like they couldn't see themselves getting the surgery or for whatever reason they were undeserving of this surgery and therefore expected something to go wrong that would cancel the whole process? I thought I would be denied, not because I had a reason to but simply because I can't see myself smaller or healthier. I feel like I self sabotage in a way because for whatever reason I am undeserving of being happy healthy and thinner. Seems like I have dug a self hate hole with my obesity that I am going to have to work on climbing out of. Anyway did anyone ever have feelings like this and if you are post op have you felt more deserving of this blessing of having the surgery?

[KristenVSG2014 1,872]

I don't know if I felt the same way as you but I definitely have always struggled with feelings of never being good enough. It comes from having a perfectionist personality but growing up overweight. All I ever wanted was to make my parents proud, especially my dad, but I knew he was always disappointed with my weight. So I was very well-behaved, made great grades, an all-around overachiever and always on a diet.

In time the self-hatred grew because my weight was the one thing in my life I couldn't control. I had a complete breakdown about this time last year because I had been doing a juice fast and I couldn't take it anymore. I decided I needed weight loss surgery. A surgeon recommended it a few years before and I felt insulted he thought I couldn't lose the weight on my own. I realized he was right and I hated him for being right and I hated myself for letting him be right.

Here I am nine months after surgery, I'm 89 pounds down and 11 pounds from my goal weight. While I'm happy with my progress I'm not as happy as I thought I'd be. I keep thinking, "just get to your goal weight" but I know when I get there it won't be good enough. Now I want a Tummy Tuck but I'll need to wait at least a year before I have that done. Will I ever be happy with myself? I hope so.

One thing you'll read on this forum is that they do surgery on your stomach, not on your brain. If you have issues before surgery those same issues will be there even when you reach your goal weight.

My goal now is to work on accepting my flaws (those new forehead lines, my saggy tummy and thighs, my fine/thin hair) and having a normal relationship with food. I've been reading "It Starts With Food" and it's turned on a light for me that seems like the missing piece of this journey I've been on this year.

You deserve this surgery. Everyone deserves the best shot at getting healthy and you are no exception. Anytime you have a negative thought about yourself tell that voice to shut up and compliment yourself.

[elrios1 47]

Thank you for sharing your story that means a lot. It feels better to know I am not the only one who has had negative feelings about myself on this journey.

[elrios1 47]

I am also afraid of not being happy with the way I look after. I also worry I won't ever be happy with the way I look no matter what.

[jane13 2,256]

@ - excellent response.

@@elrios1 - it is hard not to see yourself any other way but obese when you have been heavy for a long time. we always judge ourselves too hard.

[Scout2014 24]

As mentioned above, I think a lot of us have struggled with similar issues. Not being enough. Not deserving to be thin. I too have struggled with this my whole life. I am currently scheduled for surgery for Sept 10.

About 6 years ago, I started a journey of losing and actually lost over 180 lbs. I used a trainer and worked out for hours on end. At the bottom end of that journey, I was still not enough and now much of that weight is back.

I realized that things had to be a little different this time and began working with a counselor. The answer for me is Jesus. The thing is I am not good enough, I have never been good enough and I never will be good enough. But (and that is a HUGE but) Jesus makes me all of those things. And in return he asks that I take are of this body that he has given to me.

At the same time, we were made to live in community. And I cannot do this without the support of others. So, I am working on surrounding myself with people I trust to help me through. Not just the counselor, but I have found a small accountability group and now this forum full of people. People who are pulling for me and who I can pull for.

You are not alone in your feelings and I will be praying for you.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I would guess that almost all of us have felt the same way, I know I can relate. We are bombarded with the message from society that obesity is a character flaw.

I had an awesome surgeon and one of the best things he did was educate me on the disease of obesity and the physiology of weight gain/loss.

That helped a tremendous amount toward relieving a lot of guilt. With modern world of abundant food and industrial food production there is a reason that obesity is epidemic all over the world.

[elrios1 47]

@ - excellent response.

@@elrios1 - it is hard not to see yourself any other way but obese when you have been heavy for a long time. we always judge ourselves too hard.

Soo true, I honestly cant even picture my body 100lbs lighter

[elrios1 47]

As mentioned above, I think a lot of us have struggled with similar issues. Not being enough. Not deserving to be thin. I too have struggled with this my whole life. I am currently scheduled for surgery for Sept 10.

About 6 years ago, I started a journey of losing and actually lost over 180 lbs. I used a trainer and worked out for hours on end. At the bottom end of that journey, I was still not enough and now much of that weight is back.

I realized that things had to be a little different this time and began working with a counselor. The answer for me is Jesus. The thing is I am not good enough, I have never been good enough and I never will be good enough. But (and that is a HUGE but) Jesus makes me all of those things. And in return he asks that I take are of this body that he has given to me.

At the same time, we were made to live in community. And I cannot do this without the support of others. So, I am working on surrounding myself with people I trust to help me through. Not just the counselor, but I have found a small accountability group and now this forum full of people. People who are pulling for me and who I can pull for.

You are not alone in your feelings and I will be praying for you.

Wow 180lbs is an amazing accomplishment. Ill be honest I cant loose more than 10 to 15lbs without getting discouraged and throwing in the towel. It seems I have never felt I was worth investing the time in.

[elrios1 47]

I would guess that almost all of us have felt the same way, I know I can relate. We are bombarded with the message from society that obesity is a character flaw.

I had an awesome surgeon and one of the best things he did was educate me on the disease of obesity and the physiology of weight gain/loss.

That helped a tremendous amount toward relieving a lot of guilt. With modern world of abundant food and industrial food production there is a reason that obesity is epidemic all over the world.

That is very true, these days it seems like you save a buck but gain a pound with all of the processed foods being cheaper than healthier alternatives