Pressure, Stress, Am I doing the right thing? My Spouse...

[magicalwoman 190]

Hi everyone, I have been on my journey for over a year, digging for information, with my PCP, the insurance and me in general. I am so ready to have surgery, mine is now scheduled for September. My husband really likes big women, he always tells me how attractive I am, he buys me beautiful clothes, lotions, etc. But I try to tell him since gaining over 100 pounds after an auto accident, I don't feel attractive. I don't like what I see in the mirror, I hate walking from the car to the house and becoming a ball of sweat. I feel my hygiene has suffered because face it with little dinosaur arms you can't always reach the important places. I dislike paisley clothes. Last evening as he was reading in the forums he said OMG, Deflated boobs, I'm done, that's it I'm going to bed. I do not know where he was reading but I guess someone mentioned it. My daughter (whom is looking at surgery too) called last night and said well you know Mom, I've had three or four friends who have had this done and one thing I've noticed is they look like they have aged 10 years, they look old. My husband said yeah that is true. Then when I explain what I look at in the mirror, he said How will you feel when you look in the mirror and see all that skin hanging. So then I second guess my decision to have surgery. But it is fleeting. He said But I support you in this 100%.

My journey has been well over a year. Monthly doctor visits, I swim every morning, I really try to eat slower and watch my consumption. I want this so bad, I want to be healthy. I quite smoking a year and a half ago too. From my accident (I was rear-ended at 60mph) I have a bad back, I have 3 cervical disc that are bulged, I have two bad knees and the osteoarthritis is eating my joints away.

I want this, I NEED this, but most of all I am going to accomplish this. I wish I could feel different about my husband's reactions.

[FrankyG 1,450]

You are wanting this surgery to improve your health, and that's a wonderful reason. You say you have some serious issues already due to the car accident, and losing weight will definitely minimize those issues, and long term, your overall health and how you feel about yourself will improve as well.

If your husband loves you, then he should be supportive of this. Even if he loves you as a big woman, he has to know that your physical appearance/attractiveness is not more important than your health.

And if you do experience any "deflation" in the boob area or sagging skin, those things can be fixed once you've stabilized your weight loss.

Your health should be your - and his - first priority. Your appearance is a distant second, especially since you don't know for sure that you'll even experience a significant issue with your boobs or really bad skin sagging. Appearance is temporary anyway!

You should sit down and have a serious talk with him about the difference in him loving you for you, and loving you for what you look like, and that you feel like he isn't being very supportive of your efforts to feel better and be healthy. And that it seems like all he cares about is big boobs and fat rolls, and doesn't care if you are in pain, sick, or die at an early age. It is something that you both need to work through (and maybe look into marriage counseling for some help).

My husband finds curvy/fat girls attractive as well. He was worried for a bit at the beginning, but he wanted me to be happy and healthy. He has been supportive, because he realized that I was getting sick and hurting from all the excess weight. He has been exercising and eating similar to my routine, and he's lost weight with me so it's been really great.

I don't want to be tiny, so my goal weight is still going to have me a bit of a chubby gal, but I'll be healthy and in shape. I'm just over halfway on my weight loss and no signs of my boobs deflating at all (cup size exactly the same, but my band size has gone down from a 44 to a 38 so far) and minimal skin issues. It may take a year after I stabilize to see how my skin looks, but in the event that I have any significant sagging, I'll take care of it then.

Edited August 2, 2015 by FrankiesGirl

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Your post really gets my blood pressure up.

Your husband is a jackass.

You have to get healthier. You really have to get healthier. If WLS is how you can best do that, then have WLS.

BTW, I am 69 years old, and I look soooo much more attractive since I lost 92 pounds. Truly, I look 15 years younger than I did a year ago.

I bet you will, too.

Ignore him.

[MichiganChic 3,262]

I'm not going to repeat what the others said, but just thought I'd address the getting old part. I am 53 and lost 145 pounds, and I think I look much younger. I don't think I ever looked sick or old, but I will admit that during rapid weight loss, there were a few rough months. My skin was looser, my hair was thin, and my clothes didn't fit. Now at 2.5 years out, a few body contouring procedures, skin tightening on it's own some, and my hair growing back, I'm looking way, way better than I have in 25 years. I look like me, only hotter . Version 1.2!

[magicalwoman 190]

Thank you all so much. I am so determined..................I will do this!

[shellyd88 463]

You have worked so hard for a long time to get to this point and adjust to after surgery I have to say your health and mobility must come before whatever he feels if you become so big that u need assistance bathing or dressing is he willing to do that if u become ill or bedridden or can't work is he going to do everything? I hope he really is being supportive for your sake will there be changes in how you look yes there will I won't sugar coat it a lot will change and it will all be for the better u can't be very heavy and loose weight and expect not to have extra skin re ppl looking old guess what we are all getting old it's happening accept it there's is no choice eventually this will include drooping skin wrinkles etc no one escapes u can delay... Plastic surgery etc the highest form of selfishness is worrying about if someone gets healthier how it will affect him words like that are about control good luck to you

[ssflbelle 829]

OMG For a minute I thought I wrote this post as I too was injuried, gained all the way up to 497 pounds and was married to a man who loved fat girls and called himself a fat admirer. When i finally wanted to take back my life and lose weight he said those some words to me. When I asked for his help and support he flatly refused and provided none. When I tried to do it alone he sabotaged me every step of the way. Even went so far as to stay away from the house for days at a time stressing me out and this caused me to eat even more. There were lots of other problems in our marriage and finally when I couldn't take it anymore I divorced him. He refused to go to a marriage counselor.

Since he has been out of my life I have lost over 150 pounds and am waiting for sleeve surgery so I can lose an additional 183 pounds.

I beg you please do not listen to your husband. Do what you have to do to get your weight under control. I wish I would have had the strength years ago to do it when I was younger. Your husband seems more willing to support you then mine was and that is a great thing but if you two can go to counseling that will help tremendously. I will be following your thread and hope you don't mind if I add you as a friend. I am here if you wish to email. HUGS

[The Candidate 3,215]

You made this decision to save your life. Don't let anyone else's opinion deter you from your original course. Think of it this way, where will you be if you listen to outsiders, one month, one year from now? Right where you are now that's where, hating your life, your body, and forget any prospects of a healthy future.

The only thing you will accomplish by backtracking is silencing the naysayers. That's a high price to pay in my opinion, but ultimately it's up to you, and only you. Weigh the pros and cons, go in fully prepared and 100% sure, and on your terms and no others.

Best of luck!

[calmclear 4]

Is your husband overweight as well? I'm guessing he's just feeling insecure and doesn't realize how he is hurting your feelings. Let him know and ask for his support!

[The Candidate 3,215]

You are an inspiration @@ssflbelle!

Edited August 3, 2015 by The Candidate

[magicalwoman 190]

I just love all the support and encouragement I have gotten. No my husband is not overweight. As a matter of fact we use to go on short hikes all the time. I can no longer do this, I am hoping to be able to next year. NO, I WILL be able to next year.

[Jessica Ellison-Correa 66]

ive been blessed with an amazing support system in my husband and in-laws both my in-laws are drs and know how important a healthy weight is and my hubby is a big guy him self so were doing this together and man does it feel good to know my best friend is on board