Husband just doesn't understand

[lsmith715 55]

I've been married to my husband for almost 19 years. All those years my weight has climbed. He is someone who can eat everything at any time of the day and not have any issues. In the beginning of this process he was adamantly against this. He went so far as to tell me if I went through with this he would divorce me. Since then he kind of came around and was trying to be supportive. I have 2 more months pre-op and he told me today he thinks it's ridiculous and the lazy way out. If I could lost 50 pounds in 4 months why can't I just lose it that way and not risk my life and be lazy and take the easy way out. He doesn't understand what a day in my 400+ lb life.

I'm so tired of the ignorant thinking that I'm lazy. I'm not lazy. I'm a strong woman who has had to deal with a lot of negativity in my life. I don't know why I couldn't lose weight before. All I know is now I feel like there is a light at the end of this dark dark tunnel. I just want his support but I don't think that's ever going to happen. I think in reality my marriage will be another statistic. It makes me sad to think that he would be so hurtful.

[jms7e3 38]

I'm so sorry to hear that and I understand me and my boyfriend ended things after 5 years due to this but I realized for me it was for the best because like you my starting weight was 405 started process since 11/14 currently at 363 and starting my preop diet on 8/4 my surgery is 8/19 and its not cause I'm lazy it's because I need help and with surgery that's what I'm getting a lot of people don't understand that and think we're lazy but they will or never understand what it's like living in our shoes. Keep moving forward hopefully he can come around if not his loss! You got this keep going forward and things will be just fine!

Edited July 31, 2015 by jms7e3

[Alissak77 48]

Drives me crazy when people think it's "the easy way out". It is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life, changing everything about the way you eat, what you eat, what you do everyday is hard!! Hopefully he comes around!!

[lsmith715 55]

I forgot to mention that he does not know what my weight is. I think if he knew that number he would totally flip out. I let him think it's a lot less. I'm very tall so thankfully you can't tell that it's as high as it is. But trust me. It's all there. My counselor said I shouldn't have secrets and I should tell him my number but why. I'll tell when I'm far away from it but for now in taking that number to the grave with me.

[jms7e3 38]

Your decision you can share that number when your ready I wasn't for a very long time but I'm more ok with saying it. Honestly right now my biggest supporter is my best friend she's been there thru everything she's great maybe if you could rely more on friends or family for support you won't be upset about his not understanding. Maybe with the surgery and you changing cause your so much happier and have tons of energy he'll understand more and come around and be there for u

Good luck my dear you'll do great just keep pushing forward

[catwoman7 11,210]

my husband has no clue what my weight is, and we've always had a very strong relationship. I think mine would flip out, too!

[TXMissy 211]

Mine knows now because I'm no longer ashamed to say I have lost or gained weight. I just knew that gaining 10 lbs was so tortuous to me and so shameful because 220 became 230 and then 239 and 245 and eventually 324. A lot of times it was trying to lose weight. The defeat in that alone was painful. I don't think there is one day post op that he has said anything to me. He too has gained a lot of weight since we married 14 years ago. I feel like a bit of them is insecure with the idea. He gets mad when another man flirts with me. I know one day I went to grab a basket and this guy (I can tell you nothing about him) according to my husband purposely bumped me from behind with a basket. I was stopped putting my purse in the basket. I quickly popped my head up and turned around. I apologized because I thought I was in his way. The guy laughed and said it was his fault. I walked away. My husband claimed he was checking me out but I was oblivious to it. I'm not looking for anyone else and it is just mr finding a healthier me. It irks me to no end. I would definitely sit him down and talk. It takes guts to open yourself up like that, but at the end of the day if you can get the support of the family you live with your journey may be hard. He may flip out, but he needs to know your struggle is real!

[beachgal2935 596]

My husband of 23 years is also clueless but I'll give him credit as far as being supportive. He'd pass out if he knew I started this process at 257 lbs. or was 285 lbs at my highest. Of course he and my 19 year old son continue to eat unhealthy in front of me, which actually grosses me out now! Let me share with everyone something my psychologist shared with me at mayo clinic, where I had my surgery. When you yo-yo diet, which we're all experts at and have been for years, and lose weight your body goes into fight or flight mode. Take your highest weight and no matter how much you lose your body will fight it's way to get back to it's highest. That's why so many people lose large amounts of weight (I lost 85 lbs in 2008) and gain it back. Weight loss surgery is the ONLY answer for us (certainly not because it's easy either) because it gives us a "Do-over"! The psychologist told me to think of my new stomach as that of a new baby's. When a baby is hungry it cries, is fed and is satiated. That's how we are now that we've had WLS. Pretty simple. Once I heard this explanation, I felt like I finally stood a chance at being a healthy weight. In the back of my mind I thought, "It probably won't work on me" but I'm proud to say it most definitely is working. When I stepped on the scale this morning, I was down 65 lbs. since my surgery 4/21/15

[msalas1986 0]

Great example ????

[Dub 9,922]

I forgot to mention that he does not know what my weight is. I think if he knew that number he would totally flip out. I let him think it's a lot less. I'm very tall so thankfully you can't tell that it's as high as it is. But trust me. It's all there. My counselor said I shouldn't have secrets and I should tell him my number but why. I'll tell when I'm far away from it but for now in taking that number to the grave with me.

I understand that bigtime. Believe me.

That was the same plan I had until fairly recently.

There was no way in hell that I'd talk actual weight numbers with my wife. She knows I'm a big guy......why shock her with a number. I did the same thing with my blood pressure numbers, too.

I figured that one day down the road.....once I'd cleared out all my too-big clothes from the closet.....we'd kick back and I'd come clean with my stats at their worst point.

Plan didn't work out so well, though. She drove me to an unscheduled visit to the spine doc.....hoping for some relief. She wasn't content to sit in the lobby....but came back through me every ugly step of the way.....saw the weight when I stepped on the scale.......saw the blood pressure......etc. Recent weight loss had both numbers improved.....so it wasn't bad. Her reaction was a non-event, too.

Your husband may or may not have a clue what the actual number is. I fully understand your reasoning for hanging on to it. It's not a number that you're at now......or a number that you'll be at for more than a day or so. Sounds like you are humping it hard to lose what you can lose. That's the ticket.

50 pounds off is a super jumpstart. No matter what.....no matter the obstacles and distractions......keep after it. You'll gain momentum leading into the surgery that will propel you to success.

What you've done has taken powerful drive. The ambition that you've demonstrated hasn't been lost on him. He's just in need of some insight and education. You are the best teacher for this. 19 years is a long, long time......yet it seems to go by swiftly, no? You've been through a lot together, no doubt. I'll bet you'll get through this, too. He's in need of some schooling. He's possibly thinking the best way to support you is to encourage what he sees....you working hard to lose the weight and he'll keep encouraging that. Maybe there's a way you can coach him up on how best to help you.

It's a tough road and nobody gets there alone.

Edited August 5, 2015 by Dub

[lsmith715 55]

Thank you. I really appreciated do the different point of views. Especially from a guy. I know he loves me but he can be very close minded. I hear what he says about people if we watch some of the weight loss shows and I think that if that's what he thinks about them and they are half my size sometimes how disgusted would he be with me? Im trying to be more open but it's hard when I've been so guarded for so many years.

[bornthisway622 51]

I've been married to my husband for almost 19 years. All those years my weight has climbed. He is someone who can eat everything at any time of the day and not have any issues. In the beginning of this process he was adamantly against this. He went so far as to tell me if I went through with this he would divorce me. Since then he kind of came around and was trying to be supportive. I have 2 more months pre-op and he told me today he thinks it's ridiculous and the lazy way out. If I could lost 50 pounds in 4 months why can't I just lose it that way and not risk my life and be lazy and take the easy way out. He doesn't understand what a day in my 400+ lb life.

I'm so tired of the ignorant thinking that I'm lazy. I'm not lazy. I'm a strong woman who has had to deal with a lot of negativity in my life. I don't know why I couldn't lose weight before. All I know is now I feel like there is a light at the end of this dark dark tunnel. I just want his support but I don't think that's ever going to happen. I think in reality my marriage will be another statistic. It makes me sad to think that he would be so hurtful.

hey just want to say i feel like this my husband acts supportive but anytime i try n talk to him he pays me no mind or brushes what i say off anytime i say i cant wait to do something he is so discouraging im at the point where i just dont want to say anything to him and just continue my journey to hopefully get my surgery in october he will never understand what i feel like or to her oh but your not THAT FAT gets annoying and i just want my health back do not let no one rain on your parade good luck on all you do . ????????