To tell or not to tell...

[Sajijoma 1,324]

I've been trying to decide who, if any, I will be telling about my bypass surgery before it happens. So far, my list is pretty small. I've told my best friend since I was kid, my college room mate who is 1yr out after bypass, my husband and our kids, I plan on telling my brother's wife because we are super close, but not the rest of that side of the family, and really not much beyond that. I don't want to tell the whole world, and I've decided on my "cover story" as "I'm having a small hernia repair", because it's not a lie, I will be having a small hernia repair at the same time. My Problem is my inlaws. I wasn't going to tell them at all, and I'm still not sure I fully want to, BUT I do know that if I don't mention it to them, and they find out later, they will be angry and stew over it. Like I didn't trust them enough to include them type thing and how dare I do something potentially life threatening and not tell them. I'm just not sure what to do. Do I tell them and have to spend the next 3 months being bombarded with "diets to try instead of surgery" emails and pamphlets over "what to do when surgery fails" and anecedotes about a friend of theirs who had the surgery and it didn't work or it worked too well and she starved to death and other unlikely stories while also being told that my weight could all be solved if only I knew the proper way to pray(because I'm Catholic and we don't know how to pray the proper way like they do) and prayed to God to remove it from me and then pretend he did and walk around like it happened until I see the change. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I don't want to hurt their feelings or have them feeling excluded, but this is a HUGE super personal thing for me and it's right up there with talking about sex lives in my opinion. It's great to have one, but everyone doesn't have to know the details especially inlaws. So, what should I do? What would you do if it were your inlaws? Would you tell them and let the chips fall where they may or would you NOT tell them and let them get upset and feel not included? I wish there was a third option that didn't involve having to do either!

[The Candidate 3,215]

That's a tricky one, only in that I can't tell"you" whether to tell or not. Even with the extensive background you've given, because I don't know what all your life situation involves.

I will say however that if you're having doubts, even a little, explore them inside and out, because once you tell someone, you can never un-tell them.

For me, I made a decision early on that I would only tell a select group, and I haven't regretted it one bit. My family knows, some close friends, and a few coworkers. All of whom I trust implicitly to honor my wish for confidentiality.

I'm taking six weeks off work and I didn't even have to tell them the nature of the surgery I'm having. No problem. I've worked there 27 years. They've seen me fat the majority of the time, and thin, the few times I was successful at dieting, and they've also witnessed me gain it all back, plus more. I was in my 20's when I started there, and now I'm in my 50's. They have eyes. They know my medical struggles, and how they've worsened as I've aged.

If asked, I will just affirm I've had elevated medical issues, needed surgery, and now I'm working on leading a healthier life, so I won't die prematurely. That's it. That's all they need to know. I'll be vague on how much weight I'm losing as I go too, and will refuse to get into numbers or give diet advice. This is my journey. I got here by myself, and I want to get out of here by myself.

It's definitely a question that only the individual can decide in the end. Hopefully with as little regrets as possible.

Good luck!

[Sajijoma 1,324]

Good advice. I just really don't know if I should tell them or not. I mean, on one hand they will find out or figure it out one day when I go from this huge down to a relatively normal size and am eating like 2oz of food and all, and I'm sure they'll be happy for me(more for my hubby and kids than me myself) but they will get their feelings hurt that I didn't include them in my decision or tell them anything. It's the lead up to surgery that I'm anticipating will be very frustrating and hard, because I remember how incredibly "well meaning" yet insensitive they were when our oldest son had a brain tumor and needed surgery to save his life. They did everything I mentioned above and stopped just short of saying that we earned it by not believing exactly the way they do and that they could heal him without surgery. Just kinda stressful.

[The Candidate 3,215]

Yes, definitely a head scratcher on which way to go. ????. But either way it will be right fit for you, and that's what really matters.

I'm really sorry to hear how you were treated during your son's illness. Nobody, but nobody "deserves" that kind of misfortune, especially on the basis of differing belief systems.

After hearing that, I'd definitely be tempted to keep it from her. Let her make all the assumptions she wants after the fact, just neither confirm or deny. Stay upbeat but firmly stoic. It'll drive her nuts! She has all the makings of a control freak from what you say.

[WoodenHearts 29]

It's a tough decision to make but in the end it's your decision, I had a tough time deciding wether to tell certain people and I decided that it's my private business and if I want to include them I will, you've taken the step to consider WLS after I can only assume like most of us lots of tried and failed diets.

I had lots of lectures from the people I told about certain diets I could try and the eat less and move more approach, which I'm sure you've heard a million times, yes we all know what a diet is and how to do one, It it's the sticking to it which is the problem, and I've repeated to my friends a million times...you're not fat you don't understand lol.

ANYWAY!

Getting back on track....if you feel like it's going to cause some drama by you not telling them, then maybe tell them but make it clear that you've decided to go down this path and are just informing them of your decision....or just don't tell them it's your life hunny! You're a woman who can make her own decisions and it sounds like your already on your way to making a big one, you decide who knows and you decide what you want to tell them when the weight starts coming off, don't worry about them worry about you!!

Hope everything works out for you ????

Keep us posted XXX

[The Candidate 3,215]

Amen on the you're not fat you don't understand! @@WoodenHearts ????

[India928 81]

BUMP them!

This is YOUR personal journey and the only one you should (for support, assistance and encouragement) tell already knows - your husband! There comes a time when you have to put other people's expectations and feelings to the curb and put you and YOUR family first. This decision to have a weight loss intervention just that.

Remember, you didn't consult anyone when you were eating or working on creating a family - why start now. You are grown, you are mature, you are doing this for your health and you are doing this for your family.

Shut the peanut gallery down or better yet tell your husband, when the time is ready, to counsel his parents in being respectful in your decision for your body.

I type this with support to you.

Edited July 22, 2015 by India928

[India928 81]

One more thing.......NOT doing something is also life threatening. They sound a bit like controlling bullies

[Sajijoma 1,324]

One more thing.......NOT doing something is also life threatening. They sound a bit like controlling bullies

They have always been very controlling and shall I say "strong personalities" I guess if I'm not telling my own side of the family, I could use that as my reason for not telling them too(when it comes up in the future). Definitely feeling they are going down in the hernia repair column.

[Sajijoma 1,324]

@@India928 thank you. You make a very valid point and actually reminded of how they have butted into our lives telling my husband who later told me, that they declared we shouldn't have more children because they declared it and because it's unfair to them to have to buy birthday/Christmas presents for all our kids. Yeah, that's definitely the kind of crap I can do without...I think I'm back solidly behind the "none of their damn business" thought again. Thanks for reminding me of what I blissfully knocked out of my mind! That would have been a disaster!

[skyjones 40]

Hello I'm not telling any of my judgemental family either only my supportive husband everyone else will not know and when I start to loose the weight I'm gonna tell them I'm on the low carb life change lol well its not a lie lol

[caligul 102]

I've been trying to decide who, if any, I will be telling about my bypass surgery before it happens. So far, my list is pretty small. I've told my best friend since I was kid, my college room mate who is 1yr out after bypass, my husband and our kids, I plan on telling my brother's wife because we are super close, but not the rest of that side of the family, and really not much beyond that. I don't want to tell the whole world, and I've decided on my "cover story" as "I'm having a small hernia repair", because it's not a lie, I will be having a small hernia repair at the same time. My Problem is my inlaws. I wasn't going to tell them at all, and I'm still not sure I fully want to, BUT I do know that if I don't mention it to them, and they find out later, they will be angry and stew over it. Like I didn't trust them enough to include them type thing and how dare I do something potentially life threatening and not tell them. I'm just not sure what to do. Do I tell them and have to spend the next 3 months being bombarded with "diets to try instead of surgery" emails and pamphlets over "what to do when surgery fails" and anecedotes about a friend of theirs who had the surgery and it didn't work or it worked too well and she starved to death and other unlikely stories while also being told that my weight could all be solved if only I knew the proper way to pray(because I'm Catholic and we don't know how to pray the proper way like they do) and prayed to God to remove it from me and then pretend he did and walk around like it happened until I see the change. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I don't want to hurt their feelings or have them feeling excluded, but this is a HUGE super personal thing for me and it's right up there with talking about sex lives in my opinion. It's great to have one, but everyone doesn't have to know the details especially inlaws. So, what should I do? What would you do if it were your inlaws? Would you tell them and let the chips fall where they may or would you NOT tell them and let them get upset and feel not included? I wish there was a third option that didn't involve having to do either!

We must have the same family. ..I didn't say anything to my parents. .. just my husband and sister. ..for the very reasons you are speaking about. ..and they are still talking/assuming. ...don't tell them unless you are ready for the stress they will bring.

[Sajijoma 1,324]

@@caligul So you didn't tell them afterwards either? Hmmmm, just let them try to decide on their own what you did or didn't do? I kind of like that. Just keep them guessing. LOL

[caligul 102]

@@caligul So you didn't tell them afterwards either? Hmmmm, just let them try to decide on their own what you did or didn't do? I kind of like that. Just keep them guessing. LOL

Nope.....didnt say anything. ... I don't think I ever will

[Sajijoma 1,324]

@@caligul I like how you think!