Completely FED UP! (long whining post!)

[Bright 9]

Hi folks - I guess I'm looking for some cheerleaders today . I feel pretty depressed and completely unmotivated. I had my long awaited (11 months 2 weeks!) fill last week, and it was not a pleasant event - I was so grateful to eventually find an english speaking lap band surgeon to monitor my progress/do fills etc and was so looking forward to getting my weightloss kick-started again by a fill.... The Doc was a bit of a cold fish, - he is belgian, and also does other wls - duodenal switch, gastric bypass etc.... he asked me why I got a lap band when it only works for about 50% of people in his experience... I was a bit taken aback and unhappy to find myself defending my band while lying on my back with a needle in my side! He scoffed at my request for an annual endoscopy, saying it was unnecessary :eek - he also questioned my belief that I have a 9cc Inamed band - he says there's no such thing - only a 9.75cc or a 10cc Inamed band - I didn't have any card or confirmation from my french surgeon that it is definitely an Inamed band but I remember him giving me documentation from Inamed and showing me an actual band at the time of my consultation but suddenly I was filled with doubt and felt so stupid not knowing exactly. Then I told him my band was filled with 4cc during surgery - he thought this was impossible - I wouldn't have been able to swallow Water when I woke up! He removed the liquid from the band and there was only 2cc - I was shocked! He then put in 3cc in total so I bascially don't know where I am!

I haven't really much more restriction - I have never thrown up or had a "pb" - and seem to be able to eat a pretty big portion of whatever I like... I make oatmeal in the mornings using one american 1/2 cup measure of oats and three 1/2 cups of milk/water for example... I guess I just feel exhausted from dieting and restricting myself... I was hoping to get a few more pounds off by Christmas and am back to the high Protein, low fat DIET - I really thought life with my band would mean that I basically ate what I want, sticking to as healthy a diet a possible, and my band would kick in and stop me overeating. That's really not the case for me - I feel like I have to constantly say "no" to myself, no icecream, no Cookies, no popcorn, no chocolate or else I lapse into a sugar/carb binge! I feel so obsessed with food - today I was a "good girl" or today I was "bad". I know this is an emotional issue I need to "get over".... I genuinely feel, here at 245lbs, (ok, actually 247 from this morning!) that I am NEVER going to lose another pound and be stuck here in limbo!!! In europe, most "normal" clothes stores go up to a 20/22 (American 18/20) and the "large" size clothes shops go up to 26/28 (american 24/26) - I am somewhere in between these sizes - just a little too big for the normal sizes and totally sick of the large size clothes, which are unflattering as we all know! So I have nothing to wear which is depressing me even more!

Ok - I'm sorry for going on so long with this - I guess a year into banded life, things get a little stale and it's hard to stay motivated....I wonder how all you guys banded a year or more manage to stay focused? Shellyj? Jennye? Alexandra, Babs? Sniffle...miss u guys Any tips? Anyone????

(ok, whining over....)

[New Hope 37]

Bright, I'm a fairly new bandster, but I've always been encouraged by your posts! 70 pounds! Have you tried to lift that amount? That's a lot! That fill dr. should be shaking your hand and congratulating you for "being in the 50% that have lost w/the band!" (I haven't heard those statistics before.) He sounds like a total jerk! Maybe you'll get lucky and find a different one. My dr. draws out before putting in more saline. He says you always draw off less. I don't know, does your body absorb some or is it absolutely impossible to get it all out? I agree w/ you about the annual scope. Isn't it better to have that peace of mind and hopefully head off any problems? You have the same issues I do about "junk food". There's a thread here about Halloween candy slips. And with the holiday season here through New Years, we're all going to have to "encourage" each other!! Americans have that extra "fat" day, Thanksgiving to dodge. Keep looking and find yourself one pretty thing that you like and can wear for the holidays. You're absolutely gorgeous! Please take care of yourself and "talk" with us often. We're all in the same boat. Sending (((hugs))) and encouragement to you across the pond.

[leatha_g 4]

I've been banded since May 29, 2003 and I feel exactly the same way as you many days. Having said that, even with this roller coaster of emotions, I have lost 67lbs and I feel so much better physically. My health is probably 80% better than it was the day I had surgery, if not more. I can walk without waddling too much, but yes, I wake up everyday wishing I didn't have to be concerned with what I put in my mouth.

Regarding your band. Inamed's 9.75cc band will ONLY hold 4ccs all-together. That is why he scoffed at that. Normally, a physician will not put anything in the band during surgery, although some do, but never would they put in 4ccs that would close you off totally. You probably do have the Inamed band, 9cc - 9.75cc, sheesh.. lol, you were close enough, I believe.

Like you, I'm sick and tired of the larger clothes too. I'm currently swinging between 16's and 18's and I just can't make myself look at the larger clothes anymore. I keep telling myself I won't need them much longer. In the meantime, I'm wearing the same 2 pairs of pants and mixing several blouses etc to work in. It's getting old and I'm lacking motivation to force myself back to the 'bandster' way of eating. Luckily, our band will still be there when we can muster the strength to take another stab at it. Maybe a rest and re-group is not such a bad thing, it forces us to look at our bad habits and weaknesses once again to remind us that without this thing we will just go right back where we came from and I, for one, do NOT want to go back there.

Hugs to you, sister of the Band, just voicing the thoughts is helpful and sometimes awakens that little something that we need to move us in the right direction. Don't beat yourself up too much in the meantime.

Leatha

[Kyleighp 3]

iI have only lost 70 lbs in 1 year also. But I say only 70 lbs and people say WOW thats alot. So it makes me feel better. I am in the same boat you are! But that is 70 lbs that will not come back!

[Bright 9]

Marie: Thanks so much for your comments - I know you're right, it seems very ungrateful to moan about a whole 70lbs - it IS a lot of weight but I have another 100 to go which seems a mammoth task! The stats my doc is refering to is the European standard - 50% of people lose 100% of their excess weight. They are much more easy going here about the band - this new guy was telling me about a GP (family doctor) he knows who has the band - apparently this man removes his own fill before a special night out, enjoys a lucious feast, then fills himself up again next morning! Crazy! The band has been used in europe for over 20 years apparently so they are used to dealing with it I guess.... Thanks again Marie - you really cheered me up!

Leatha - also thanks so much to you! You reminded me of how much better my health is too since losing 70lbs, well 80 down in total. I guess I feel like I have a long way to go getting the rest off... I had "planned" to lose 100lbs in the first year, and feel like I've failed somehow... stupid to set ridiculous goals which are unachievable...I am going to try to take it 10lbs at a time from now on....

I am very interested in what you are saying about the 9.75cc band not being able to take more than 4cc - that is so wierd! I have a friend who was banded by the same surgeon, in fact she acted as liason for me, as she has fluent french, and she had the same band/fill during surgery and is apparently at 7cc now! I am trying to get in contact with her to find out what is going on...

Thanks so much for the encouragement - I'm so with you on the two pairs of pants! I have two "decent" black trousers and two pairs of Jeans that are hanging off me! I got rid of all my other "fat" clothes - and now look like a street urchin!

Kyleigh - you're right - 70lbs is great, we should be proud xx

[shellyj 5]

(((((((((((bright))))))))))

hey girl! maybe your dr didnt fill you enough. can you go back for another fill? it really is ALOT easier with proper restriction. i couldnt eat oatmeal for Breakfast. this morning i had 1 packet of lipton cup of Soup. i am pretty damn tight though. contemplating a tiny unfill

i will say on the chocolates, Cookies, icecream etc that is an everyday battle of saying 'no thanks'. think of it this way...you are a strong woman! you can do ANYTHING short term...so you have to give up sweets for another year...have some endulgences in there (REALLY good ones and savor them!) and once you get to goal or at a comfortable weight for you then you will be able to endulge a little more but it will be like a normal skinny person...you will have to figure out a good balance of endulging and eating healthy!

the sucky part is the things like Cookies, ice cream, chocolate, chips etc are all things that go down EASILY so it does require disipline....with a proper fill though it doesnt require MUCH disipline!!!! this from a MAJOR chocoholic!!!!! i had an endulge weekend this past weekend and 1 of the many treats i had was going to the melting pot a 2 hour eating event...i topped the meal off with a flaming turtle! chocolate fondue with cheesecake, pineapple, strawberries, marshmellows, brownies all to dip in the fondue....i ate all i wanted...i wont be touchin chocolate or sweets again till thanksgiving...but just thinking of all that i had and the fact that i had all i wanted, guilt free will be enough to tie me over.

i do have some all fruit sweetened with splenda popsicles in the freezer...they are 25 calories a piece! not to bad!

if you still need restriction and can get another fill GET ONE!!!!

I LOVE YOU BRIGHT!!!! you can do this!!!!! your just 5-10 pounds from getting the rest of the way into the smaller size where you can go to a regular store!!!

michelle

[Zoe 6]

Hi Bright -- I'm a new bandster so I have no advice. Your message reminded me of an old Monty Python bit where a smarmy game show host offered a prize for the best insult to Belgians, and one of the winners was, "I can't think of anything worse than 'Belgian.'" I intend no offense to the home of Hercule Poirot!

Yes, 70 pounds is a lot -- but I can see why you're discouraged if you've been coasting at the same weight for a while and plagued by those haunting diet-head thoughts, especially if your cold-fish (is that poisson froid? ) of a doctor offers absolutely no help or support.

I love reading your posts and learned a lot from you before I was banded. I hope your new fill is making a difference. Let us know how you're doing.

[Bright 9]

**********Michelle************* Yay! so great to hear from you - and such kind words - I'm filling up here! You're a total pet!

After a couple of days I knew my fill was "no good" if you know what I mean, I was waiting for this restriction that I see you all talking about - I am actually starting to fantasize about having a pb!!!! I'm doubly gutted as it cost us st£120 ($220) to see the doc, not including flights from Dublin to London and Car Hire to drive the two hours down to where the hospital is.... I just don't have the money to do it again before Christmas which is pissing me off even more...

I hear you on the icecream/cookie slip-sliding on down theory! Definitely the easiest thing to eat... Hate having to be strong and have willpower but until I get more money together for another fill trip, I guess I'll have to be!

Dunno what I'd do without all you kind people to encourage me - I feel all loved up and motivated now!

Ps Thanks too Zoe - cannot believe any newbie taking advice from me! wow! thanks for your encouragement xx

[Vera 7]

Hi Bright

Glad your feeling better, Its good to just let it all out...

I just wanted to add that Ann-Marie, an RN, told me she fills and unfills her-self for big meals/parties. I would love to be able to do that.

70 lbs is a lot!! be proud of yourself, This isn't easy and the proper restriction helps. Hope you find out some information. Please let us know what you find out I'm curious. Staying focused is not easy for me...I'm on a 4 month plateau.

Good Luck and (((HUGS)))

[DeLarla 22]

Bright you little doll, go ahead and bitch all you want! We're only human, and we all have the right to cry and kick and scream and whine after everything we've been through. We've all been morbidly obese, so we all know each other's hell. Nothing's personal around here. I'm in the same boat as you, and I've only had a band for 6 months. And I still don't even have a port, so I can't get a fill. Maybe the band isn't 100% effective at getting 100% of all our weight off, but I'm ALIVE today because of the band, and not just physically. I was morally, psychologically, spiritually and physically bankrupt when I was 60 pounds fatter. Last time I was at the doctor, I was thrilled with my weight loss and couldn't wait to get my hands on his BMI chart. He showed it to me, and I was still ALL THE WAY IN THE RED! I'm still morbidly obese according to his chart, even after losing 60 pounds. But I don't give a damn about no stinkin' chart. I hate all the fat clothes, too, but because I'm so tall, I'll never be able to shop in normie stores. Your doctor didn't need to add insult to injury. I'll call the bastard for you and give him a piece of my fat ass mind!

I'm just horrified at professionals who fill and unfill themselves... I could faint thinking about it. Inamed has strong warnings about doing your own fills.

And somebody PLEASE explain why the crap goes right down the hatch? Yesterday I decided to add an afternoon piece of fruit. I forced 1/4 apple past the lump in my throat, but then tossed it in the trash. But I could slide an entire pound of candy down into my bellyhouse with no problem. Ice cream is a breeze, chips are lovely, and Cheetohs are comforting. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I bet everyone in Heaven is fat.

I had a very traumatic childhood - one that will never go away. My mother is mentally ill and should never have had children. I never got to be a little girl - I moved out at 15 and have been supporting myself since. I made horrible choices and worse mistakes, and life didn't get any easier. By the time I was 25 I just wanted to die... but then one day, things really fell to pieces. My friend died in a flood, my apartment roof caved in on me, I had no friends, I was sick with anxiety disorder, I lost my job, blah blah blah. At that very moment I looked up into the sky and wanted to scream at God, but instead I just started laughing. I told him, "go ahead, bring it on!" I think God has a really dry sense of humor, because I've been laughing ever since. I think we're supposed to laugh a lot more than we do, so every time I get mad, I just figure it's God playing another rotten prank on me. But I'll get even when I get to Heaven and throw a Coconut Cream pie in his face. He'll laugh, I just know he will.

Now you guys see why I'm always laughing?

[Bright 9]

Lisa you crazy lady - you are obviously the missing fifth sister from my family - we have had one trauma after another, ditto with the mother thing, 'cept she decided to kill herself last year, leaving a vile letter blaming all of us and leaving all her (horrible anyway!) jewelry to my sister's five year old! My dad gave me one of her rings, wanting me to have something of hers, so when I wear it I say "oh this ring, this is the one my mother expressly wished me NOT to have...". People think we're nuts - we laugh and stick one big finger up to the sky - our motto is "Step In The Ring, MoFo..." But I guess, I put all my stock in losing all my weight and being "clean and good" - my mother used to say to me "you're weak, you can't say no to yourself" so I make sure I DO say "no" all the time...which gets exhausting...But anyway...I feel so much better from just listening to all of you - seriously, thank Buddha or whoever for you all xxx

[Zoe 6]

DeLarla, I don't know whether to laugh or cry or both after reading your post. But you've given me an idea:

I'll call the bastard for you and give him a piece of my fat ass mind!

So many of us get crap from co-workers, family, doctors, and so-called friends that I think we should start a fat-o-gram service. In person or on the phone, seven days a week. Someone messes with a LapBander's mind, he/she gets his/her ass kicked. I have been blessed with support from family and friends, but it pains me to read of the garbage so many banders have thrown at them. Who's up for going to Belgium to storm Bright's doctor's office? Next stop, WhippleDaddy's workplace!

[DeLarla 22]

"DeLarla, I don't know whether to laugh or cry or both after reading your post."

The answer, my dear, is to LAUGH... and dance!

Great, I finally decide to wear some mascara and now it's glueing my eyes shut. I think I just popped my band laughing so hard. Sorry, Bright (and I'm saying this with sickening sarcasm) about your lunatic mother, and only someone like me, who has a lunatic mother, can laugh at what seems tragic for others. My Momster (I've never called her Mother) once took off in the middle of the night and left the same vile note saying we were trying to kill her. The note said she was too tired to drive at night, but because we forced her to leave she was going to be murdered on the highway at my evil hands (uhhh, I was asleep.) Good thing the courts finally adjudicated her insane and took my little brother away - at least he was saved! Now I'm laughing even harder at you shaking a finger in the sky! The latest update on the "Momster" is her insane 154 page letter to President Bush. She's been rambling to the police, the post office, every attorney on the eastern seaboard, and the IRS for the past 3 decades, but they all toss her letters in the "coo-coo bin." Like George Bush is going to read past the subject line. I should post a page for all your entertainment.

Now, where do I apply for the Fat-O-Gram position?

[Zoe 6]

Fat-O-Gram's corporate office sez: You're hired! And I really am laughing this time. Here I thought MY family was wacked out. We're little leaguers.

By the way, Fat-O-Gram, Inc., allows its employees to kick ass in the costumes of their choice.

[La_madam 20]

Bright, you have done great losing 70 lbs in a year. I bet you can honestly say that if you had NOT gotten your band you would of not lost 70 lbs in a year with any other diet right? We all have our bad days. I feel you when you say you struggle. I think we all do. I'm 7 months post op and the last 2 weeks I have been obsessed with food & chocolate which is why I have only lost 1 lb in 2 weeks. I know I need a fill , I can eat more and I tihnk about food more often throughout the day. I was told by my Dr. that I have a 9cc band which only holds 4cc's, your Dr. may be right when he said if you were filled with 4cc's at time of surgery you would of been closed up. It has the capacity to hold 4cc's over a period of time as you get your fills and as you lose. I am at 2cc's and it has worked great for me for the last 3 months I lost 22 lbs with that fill level but it is slowing down again and I eat more so I know it is time for another fill. My fills have lasted 2-3 months with a weight loss of 20 -25 lbs with each fill. Don't beat yourself up over this. You are successful! You will get to goal...it just takes time. My Dr. told me one thing that sticks with me "This is not a race, it will take time" he is so right. We are doing it the healthy way losing slowly. Hang in there Bright, maybe find a new Dr. too, one that will make you feel good about your band and weight loss. You do not need him to make you feel bad. Also , my first fill did not kick in for well over a week, maybe this is the case for you. Give it some time to kick in....Good Luck to you