To do surgery or not to do?

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

There is a lot going on with your post so I am only going to try to touch on a few points. First, I am only an expert in ME and I realize that my comments do not apply to everyone so take it with a grain of salt.

My background:

Second, I was overweight (but not obese) as a teen, got to about 220 by my late 20s (I remember because I was pregnant and strictly ordered to gain NO weight during pregnancy. Back in those days 220 was considered HUGE for a 5'5" woman, times have changed a bit on that). My weight stayed in the mid 200s for most of the decade of my 30s.

I had a lapband when I was 37 - I weighed 272 - my lifetime high at that point. I lost some weight, but didn't do well overall. I got to my lifetime high weight of about 350 with a lapband and no fill

Band was removed in 2011; revised to sleeve in December of 2011 at 308 pounds

I got to my goal of 158 by Feb 2013 and maintaining...

During my overweight, obese and morbidly obese years I tried every diet under the sun, went to YEARS of counseling as the thinking at that time that overweight was essentially a mental or character flaw. Counseling helped with some stuff, but I clearly just got heavier and heavier...I was diagnosed with a zillion medical conditions: fibermyalgia, depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, fatty liver and according to my family, a less happy personality. Oh, PCOS was thrown out there too, but i was never formerly diagnosed.

Fears:

I was terrified of gastric bypass in 2001 which is why i picked the band. I can admit now, but didn't then that I had huge denial. Somehow in my mind, the band wasn't really bariatric surgery.. it was just this little thing I did to try to lose weight. I was deeply committed, but did not have the support and frankly picked the wrong procedure for me based on that fear and denial. I really didn't understand the SHIFT required from me for long term success.

I was a basket case over my decision to revise to the sleeve. I think my list looked alot like yours... but I think i can summarize the fear like this: "what if i go through hell and I fail AGAIN and am still obese? i don't know if I can go through that again..."

by the time I was sleeved, i was so "over" food as entertainment because my over indulgence was literally KILLING me. When I was banded, i was in complete denial on that point. I highly recommend that you face your worries over not enjoying food in your presurgery timeframe as this is a very tough topic - even for those of us that were relatively speaking "over it"

Truth of the matter is that years out, you can eat pretty normally... but the first year or so, you really do eat tiny portions and a sensitive person won't like that in social settings. And in the years out, just because you "can" eat normally doesn't mean you "should" in order to maintain your losses.

Education on obesity:

This is a huge topic but obesity is a disease state and i think it is really important to understand the grip it has on you physically. There is a good reason that for people who have gotten quite heavy, the chances of maintaining a significant weight loss without surgery is about 2%. That isn't because we are all neurotic messes - it is because your body changes!

I saw a "weight loss" expert counselor who was convinced I had deep dark secrets I was repressing - I had a crappy childhood and there were no secrets there! After years and years of counseling there were no secrets left but she thought I was lying. It was this forum here that made me realize there was something else - like I was FREAKING HUNGRY 24/7 - this is related to understanding the disease process of obesity.

Other health stuff:

At some point presleeve i decided that alot of my diagnosis were irrelevant (especially the ones that couldn't be treated like fibermyalgia). I decided to focus on the primary problem which was my weight. It was a good call because most (not all) my health problems disappeared when i lost weight and became very active.

sometimes i think all those medical diagnosis can be ... paralyzing. It is almost like focusing on the leaf on a tree instead of the bigger forest fire heading my way...

Age:

On the one hand, your youth is a real advantage in the weight loss world. I could lose weight pretty easily in my 20s/30s, just could keep it off. By my late 40s, I couldn't even lose weight anymore on all sorts of crazy diets and programs.... in the end, that is what forced my hand to getting the sleeve actually.

On the downside, one advantage i had in my late 40s was to be more selfish/focused on myself. My kids were older, they could buy their own Snacks and keep them hidden from me etc. When kids were little and wanted to do normal things like go to restaurants, have treats and stuff - it was killer for me as that junk food stuff is like a sirens call...

BTW, I never put my one "heavier" (not obese) kid on a diet. He did slim down over the last several years. i feel a great deal of shame realizing that it was ME providing the diet and lifestyle that was making him chunky. I thank the stars everyday that i was able to model these changes for him while it was still time for him to learn from it. I should also share that he confided that he never "feels full" which is exactly how I was pre sleeve so I do wonder if there is some sort of imbalance genetically in some of us!

I think you should go for it, but i highly recommend a strong support system (both professional help like nutritionalist and in your personal life), get really educated on life post surgery, seek counseling and support for your fears. You can do this and I hope you get a chance to enjoy your 30s, 40s and many decades to follow without carrying around essentially the weight of a grown man around on your body! It is hard for me to imagine how I even functioned at 300-350# when I look back. It takes a lot of strength both physically and emotionally to do that.

i should also share that i am 51 and looking at hip replacement probably 20-30 years before is typical. Cause? Most likely the DECADES of being morbidly obese. I want you to avoid those kind of problems that can show up even after you lose the weight.

[gpmed 623]

Other commenters are definitely right that this is a decision you have to make for yourself. Only you can know what's really right for you! I have a few ideas that I hope might help you. But if they don't, just ignore them!

It sounds like your weight is affecting your quality of life in a serious way (something I absolutely understand!). Be kind to yourself and remember you're a worthy individual with or without excess weight! Also remember, that if this is a tool you think can help you, you should allow yourself to pursue it. You deserve it! As you decide, information will definitely be your friend. Talk to your doctor about your health concerns and how losing weight will affect your individual health (considering your personal medical conditions and such). Also talk to a bariatric surgeon about how surgery works, the risks, the benefits, etc.

I remember something my surgeon said that really helped me. He said research shows that people who quality for surgery (based on BMI) have a 2 percent chance of losing the weight and keeping it off long-term without surgery. With surgery, those same people have a 50 percent chance or higher. That really opened my eyes. It helped quiet my inner critic (This "I'm a failure because I can't do it without surgery" thinking is total crap.) and also really showed me the benefit of surgery for someone in my situation. The surgeon also said being young (32) and relatively healthy otherwise is in my favor. Maybe you can talk to your doctor and potential surgeon about whether that's the case for you too.

Additionally, I feel really good at the clinic and surgeon doing my surgery. I'm going to an academic medical center whose program and surgeon have outcomes above the national average and are well-respected. I say that to say that researching the clinic/surgeon where you're thinking of having your surgery might help.

Also, I have a friend who had a gastric bypass about 10 years ago. She helped me realize I'm not never going to be able to enjoy food again. Things will be different 2 years out than they are a month out and so forth.

Re: your daughter, I was overweight as a child just like her. I was picked on and it was hard. However, I can tell you from personal experience that the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do for her is make sure she doesn't get the message that she's only a worthy individual if she's not overweight. Do whatever you can to help her build a healthy self-esteem. That will do a lot to set her up for a healthy life. Pair that with the basics, like we eat these kinds of foods because they provide really good nourishment for our bodies and look, they taste so good! And we enjoy physical activity because it's good for our hearts and lungs, it helps us build strong muscles and bones, and it relieves stress and releases good hormones. NOT because we have to look a certain way or we're not worthy.

Good luck!

[beccaconaty87 52]

Letitbeales9- thank u so much for your post and advice. I will take everything into consideration.

[beccaconaty87 52]

I didn't know that thanks for the info James

[beccaconaty87 52]

Thank u jane. This is process is definitely going to be a change for the whole family. Everyones going to have to start eating healthy and exercising more.

[catwoman7 11,212]

I was really worried about safety, too, but these surgeries have become so routine and the techniques have advanced so much that, according to my surgeon, they're really no more dangerous than having your gall bladder out. As I recall, the RNY has a 0.3% fatality rate, the sleeve even lower. That's safer than a hip replacement. Plus they're going to put you through a whole bunch of tests beforehand to make sure you're a good surgery risk. That's not to say it's impossible for something bad to happen, but the risk is really, really low. As some of the others have said, I felt like I was at higher risk by weighing over 300 pounds than I would be by having the surgery.

[gpmed 623]

Catwoman7 just helped me remember something! My surgeon also said that bariatric surgery is about as safe as many other types of surgeries that are comparable in scope. That actually says a lot because the patient population having other surgeries is on average much healthier than the patient populations for bariatric surgery. We're the high risk "outliers" among patients having other surgeries. Still, talk with your surgeon about his or her program's outcomes if that will help you feel more at ease!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

My meaning wasn't that the whole family needs to change. In fact,i think you need to be prepared that you are kinda on your own on this. Family can sometimes resent being "put on a diet" with you. What my meaning was that your changing now, will help them learn better habits.

For overweight kids, i am a big advocate of building them up (ie no berating for weight etc) and also to encourage healthy habits not dieting.

I can assure you one of the ways I got so heavy was my yo-yo dieting. if kids can sorta "grow into their weight" it is really a better solution than dieting to try to lose weight, in my opinion.

[beccaconaty87 52]

Cowgirljane I slightly disagree I think that the family all does need to change. I don't think I need to be making 3 meals just to meet everybody's needs. I'm not going to make my wife one meal my kids chicken nuggets and french fries and then me a healthy dinner. Everybody's going to eat the same things. I had talked to doctor korn about this, about how it's going to be a struggle to make food for everybody else and then make something separate for me. It's expensive and it takes a lot more time. The doctor said that's not how it should work. He said that everybody needs to get on board and everybody needs to eat healthy. Its not a diet its life changing, its deciding to make healthier choices. I don't in anyway look at this as a diet. I will never let my daughter feel insecure, overweight, or like she needs to go on a diet. However I will encourage her to eat healthy to be more active, because I don't ever want to see her in the position I'm in. I don't want her to go through school being bullied. Now on the other hand if my wife or my kids want to have a special treat here or there or go out to dinner or fast food or what not then that's okay that's their choice. I'm not going to make them have to follow the same rules that I'm following. I'm just saying that when I'm cooking I'm going to be cooking healthy and we are going to try to get active together as a family.

[beccaconaty87 52]

Angela Williams it's nice to be able to relate to somebody. I wondered if there was anybody that was young they did surgery. Part of me felt like maybe I was too young to be doing it. But my doctor said that it's better than I'm doing it young. He says I'll have a greater success rate and recovery will be easier for me. Plus I see everybody saying that they wish they would have done it sooner. So I guess thats my sign right now is a good time to do it. Plus I know in my heart it's a good time to do it.

[Sajijoma 1,324]

I can relate to a lot of the things you said. I have 7 kids ranging from 13 to just turned 1. I had them all back to back to back with 3 miscarriages thrown in there as well. I never got any of my baby weight off before I was pregnant again. I'm one of those incredibly fertile fat women that most doctors say don't exist. I'm one of those who doesn't lose while nursing either even on a strict supervised diet. I started out my first pregnancy overweight at 200lbs which for me and my height and build doesn't look terribly bad, but it still wasn't healthy. I've been overweight my whole life and putting on 10-15lbs with each one added an extra 70-105lbs and then I was on antidepressants after my late term miscarriage, because I felt so guilty for being so fat and unhealthy that I wanted to punish myself with more fat and misery for my baby dying. I added another almost 100lbs on top of my other baby weight between the antidepressants and sleep eating from the sleep aids to help me sleep. Add on some rebound pounds from my failed diets and I'm sitting at HOLY HELL! 410lbs after I already lost 20! It's hard to realize you've got more than an entire healthy weight person to lose. In my case, I've got 2 people who need to lose weight to lose from my body. The reason I chose to go with a bypass is because I know I can't do this with diet alone. I have been trying that my whole life and it hasn't worked. I just keep getting fatter. I want to live to be able to see my kids grow up. I don't want them to say that their childhood was ruined because we never went anywhere or did anything because I was too fat to do anything. That's my motivation for surgery. It's because my love for them is greater than my fear of dying. I'm pretty certain I won't die. My surgeon is skilled and has a great track record, I don't have any co morbidities so far, and he says my risk is very similar to my gallbladder surgery so given that, I'm taking an educated risk. I'm more likely to die from my weight in the next 5yrs if I do nothing than I am to die from the surgery at this point. At the very least, I'm going to lose this weight and give my kids back the mom they deserve and avoid a future filled with diabetes, heart disease, stroke risk, and premature death that my super obese siblings and parents are dealing with. My father just had a massive stroke at 72 and will never be the same. I don't want that for my family or myself. One of my biggest fears is dying in front of my kids or them finding my dead body. If I can stop this right now, before it gets worse, I can prevent that and prevent them from heading down the same path by keeping them more active with their new active mom. It's worth the shot to me.

[The Candidate 3,215]

@@Sajijoma Your kids are lucky to have you as a mom. You will get healthy and go on to see them grow up and be surrounded by grandkids and great grandkids.

You're an inspiration!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Okay, I think we all start from different points of reference so that leads to unclear communication! Thank you for pointing this out to me.. one more time i learn the meaning of assume!

My family have always had fairly healthy meals. We were never the deep fried, all take, drive through many nights a week kind of people. our typical dinner was pretty much:

- main course, Protein. We sometimes "stir fried" but not deep fried

- side dish of Pasta, potato or rice

- salad or veggie

We also ate alot of casserole type dished that combined that all into one dish. I think in all fairness, we ate a diet that needed improvement, but wasn't horrible either.

I had two major issues (well 3):

1. Too much quantity! - even "healthy" foods make you fat when you over eat compared to what your body needs

2. Snacks - omg - chips, crackers, popcorn - carby junky food that i could and DID eat enormous quantities outside of mealtimes

The well 3, My body responds to my favorite foods (all carby junky food) with hunger. so, eating that crap made me overeat in general.

So, I completely agree that cooking "separate meals" is unacceptable!

My strategy is as follows"

- Protein in a unbreaded, unfried manner - we all eat that

-veggies plus salad - we all eat that

-side of carbs - the males/non obese peeps eat that ( I generally do not)

My kids (adult age) kinda miss their casseroles, (the loved that one covered in tater tots!) but that does not fly in my house anymore.

So, I think we are in violent AGREEMENT!

Cowgirljane I slightly disagree I think that the family all does need to change. I don't think I need to be making 3 meals just to meet everybody's needs. I'm not going to make my wife one meal my kids chicken nuggets and french fries and then me a healthy dinner. Everybody's going to eat the same things. I had talked to doctor korn about this, about how it's going to be a struggle to make food for everybody else and then make something separate for me. It's expensive and it takes a lot more time. The doctor said that's not how it should work. He said that everybody needs to get on board and everybody needs to eat healthy. Its not a diet its life changing, its deciding to make healthier choices. I don't in anyway look at this as a diet. I will never let my daughter feel insecure, overweight, or like she needs to go on a diet. However I will encourage her to eat healthy to be more active, because I don't ever want to see her in the position I'm in. I don't want her to go through school being bullied. Now on the other hand if my wife or my kids want to have a special treat here or there or go out to dinner or fast food or what not then that's okay that's their choice. I'm not going to make them have to follow the same rules that I'm following. I'm just saying that when I'm cooking I'm going to be cooking healthy and we are going to try to get active together as a family.

[Sajijoma 1,324]

@@Sajijoma Your kids are lucky to have you as a mom. You will get healthy and go on to see them grow up and be surrounded by grandkids and great grandkids.

You're an inspiration!

Thanks! I need all the cheerleading I can get!