I don't know if this belongs here, or "rants and raves"!

[roundisashape 712]

May I just vent for a second?

This dating thing is SO frustrating. I feel like I should have learned how to do this a LONG time ago, and now I'm floundering to pick up a skill everyone else my age has long since mastered.

In my head I guess I know that it's just a weeding out process, a numbers game - put yourself out there, meet as many guys as you can handle meeting, and weed out the mismatches until one sticks.

Unfortunately, my head isn't always in charge. The rest of me gets quite frustrated with the "fall-off-the-earth-ers", the ones who CLEARLY didn't read your profile, the ones who take FOREVER to call, and maybe worst of all, the ones who seem like a great match...then you meet them and realize if it came down to that person or spending the rest of your life alone, you'd learn to like your own company really quickly. I guess the only consolation is that they didn't like me after we met, either.

I hate that it's almost like a job, and that I need to treat it like one if I'm going to have time to build a family. I just don't understand how other people manage to stumble on the right person like some sort of magic I'm not privy to.

Okay, rant over. I think I'm going to take the night off and start trying again tomorrow, lol!!

[OKCPirate 5,323]

You forgot the most important number...99% of the men in the dating pool give the rest of us a bad name.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@roundisashape - good vent, now you can get serious about it again. It is akin to a job. It's serious at one level, but fun and rewarding at another. I am glad that I am at least Facebook Friends with most of the people I have met or dated. I liked them enough to ask them out but for a myriad of reasons it didn't work out. So that keeps me from getting frustrated. Relationship building is a dance, and some are naturally better at it than others, but don't quit dancing because some people have no rhythm.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Dating is VERY hard work.

It's not just you. A lot of people do not enjoy it at all.

But the magic can sometimes happen. And when it does it's all worth it.

And you sure as heck won't find someone sitting at home all the time.

Don't forget -- you can also find Mr/Ms Right in a grocery line, a shoe store, a restaurant, or standing at a crosswalk. A nice smile and a friendly "Hello!" is all you need to start the conversation.

Good luck!

[jeanniereenie 177]

I dated a lot! but got lucky and fell in love with a friend of mine, that one day we just looked at each other and said why aren't we dating?? and he literally never left lol

just be you! the right one will come along

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I went through that too.

First, I don't think that most guys are awful or give men a bad name. Seriously, I think most are sort of navigating their way poorly through this crappy setup just like us ladies are! I have met the awful so I know they are out there (i got much much much better at screening so lately I have not met any awfuls).

I posted on one of the many forums (here is my rant, there are so many forums now I can't remember where I posted it!) about how this round I am much more .. confident. My new energy is attracting a whole different situation. I don't give a rats ass if they don't call. I am fine by myself .. and there are others who would like to meet me so just move along. For exampe, in the past, I didn't really expect the guy to always pay - I make a decent income and I am all about equality but I realized I was sabatoging myself. For reasons I will NEVER understand, men value you more if they have to work for it. So, I have found success by going from being the accomodating sweet woman that I believe is my nature to being a little ..less of those things and more of something else (b*tch comes to mind).

Right now, I met someone that i really enjoy, he is fit and I like many things about him - we have been on two dates and he has asked me to shut down my dating profile and become "exclusive". i am thinking about it, but not sure I am quite ready to be so accomodating yet. A year or two ago I would have been all over that... now, not so sure, still thinking.

I am not THAT picky regarding looks, but many of the guys in my realistic datable age range are terribly terribly out of shape. I mean they get out of breath walking on the flat at a normal pace kinda out of shape (as a human, I am very empathetic, doesn't mean I want them as a romantic partner/lover to be completely honest) Or, they are triathletes and want a woman to do the next Seattle to Portland bike race/ride after we jogged up Mount Rainier ... WTF??? i keep wondering, where are the regular people who work to stay somewhat fit, but are not obsessed with it? I was obessesed for awhile myself, but I am over it and want just a nice balance.

I feel your pain. I benefited from STOPPING dating and just working on myself alot. Not sure that applies to you at all, but just wanted to share my own experience. I am 15-20# heavier, a year or two older, and yet I am getting better results... so apparently men DO notice your state of mind and attitude too!

[gowalking 10,790]

It's all about your attitude. I'm seeing someone now who is very proud of the challenges I've faced and all I've done to improve myself and my situation. He calls me spunky because I want to try just about everything. He doesn't care about the loose skin or the chronic back issues. He cares that I try and every day is a gift in my new appreciation for a normal life.

And he is more than patient in terms of an intimate and exclusive relationship. I'm driving this thing for sure and he knows that's the way it is. He doesn't get into my bed till I'm ready..and only when/if I'm ready. As CowGirlJane says, if he wants me, he's got to work for it. And so far, he is.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@CowgirlJane - "apparently men DO notice your state of mind and attitude too!" DAMN STRAIGHT. Two way street, both sexes find confidence attractive, needy and clingy icky. When your purpose is clear, you tend to focus on the right things. That was a great post.

[roundisashape 712]

Thank you all for your replies! I was just so frustrated with the whole thing yesterday and I'd gotten several nutty contacts right in a row, but I feel like I woke up with much more perspective on it. I DO think taking some occasional breaks is good, though, at least for me - sometimes it gets overwhelming.

The truth is, I've had ONE face to face date and even though we weren't a match, I really did have a good time. Probably more so after I realized I wasn't planning to date him and I could relax, lol.

@@CowgirlJane and @@gowalking, I agree with you about the attitude. I've noticed a big difference in the interest I get now and what I got a couple of years ago when I tried this. Maybe the trick is to just fake whatever confidence I don't feel now?

I love reading about all of your insights and experiences. It gives me something to mirror when you guys figure out what works first!

[lauraellen80 855]

I've done online dating a few times, starting in 2006. The first time I used eHarmony, and ended up dating a guy I was matched with on there for almost a year. To be honest, I never really felt like he was "the one," and a lot of the time, I felt like he didn't get me at all... but, it was science! It was scientifically proven that we were good together! I was also one of those people terrified that I was going to be an old maid at 26. After that ended, I decided that I wanted more out of a relationship, and I'd rather pick my dates myself, thankyouverymuch.

The next round I used Match, and while I ended up going out on several dates, and a few with the same guy, nothing really great came along. I would immediately weed out anyone with egregious spelling errors and typos in their profile, or any guy whose initial message to me just said, "Hey, I like your profile." Um, maybe something a little more specific, dude? But in general, I think I was too desperate and not confident enough with myself.

But I actually met my husband on Match. I had just come off of a really bad relationship (not a Match guy! someone I met at a conference. part of the reason that he ended it--after I'd moved halfway across the country to be with him--was that I had gained about 15-20 pounds and he found me "repulsive").

So when I signed up for Match again, I didn't have a lot of expectations (though I did still use my patented weeding-out process). I was still new to the area, and I felt like it would be worth it just to get out and meet some people, check out some local restaurants, etc. I think that's partly why I had success. I certainly did not expect to meet my future spouse at that point!

So, I say--keep weeding them out, fake the confidence until you feel it, and don't let the weirdos and flaky guys get you down!

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

ooooops, sorry all, i just realized i was in singles forum

i know/think i shouldn't be responding here

but is it acceptable to "visit" and make a check that i like a post

or should i just be a "silent" visitor

or i shouldn't come here at all

if its the latter - i'll poof into thin air never to be seen again

kathy

[roundisashape 712]

@@proudgrammy, don't be silly! The best way to learn how to NOT be a single is to hear from people who AREN'T anymore

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Dating, at least online dating, is a bit of a numbers game. I have only met maybe 4 guys face to face since I recently started up but that is just because it is too annoying to me to meet more. (Hey, I have things to do in my life!). I get burned out/feel like it is wasting time if I do too much so I limit it intentionally, but I KNOW you need to meet a few people to really find someone you want to see.

Have you only met one person face to face because you just aren't comfortable meeting or is it that you are not attracting that much interest? or conversely... are you just not that interested in the "pool"?

If it were me (I can only speak for myself not saying you should do this) - I would put the whole thing on hold and start again when you are feeling more self confident. If you feel like you really WANT to do this now, I would do more first dates so you get more practice and comfort at it. I almost always have a pretty good time on the first dates and they generally go well these days (again, I am much better at prescreening). I also have the attitude that i am very open to making new friends/activity partners so I don't feel any pressure at all that it has to be some huge romantic thing.

I generally don't accept coffee dates anymore. 100% of the time, coffee dates don't go anywhere for me. I think it is because I don't feel connected with them enough to want to see them again after a cup of coffee. Very few people are charming enough to pull that off I guess. I often feel like that coffee date is just for them to verify I have boobs - and I don't want to be interviewed for a job and I wind up leaving them feeling like...eh. That is probably a flaw in my way of thinking, but i have recognized my pattern so i just don't do it.

The guys I have met this time around have all invited me to dinner, and my response varied from a "YES" to a ... "lets have a glass of wine first and then we can decide together about dinner." I never want anyone to feel locked into a whole evening with me...haha. Flip side, if they are not interested enough to actually spend some time talking, they probably aren't my type anyway....

Thank you all for your replies! I was just so frustrated with the whole thing yesterday and I'd gotten several nutty contacts right in a row, but I feel like I woke up with much more perspective on it. I DO think taking some occasional breaks is good, though, at least for me - sometimes it gets overwhelming.

The truth is, I've had ONE face to face date and even though we weren't a match, I really did have a good time. Probably more so after I realized I wasn't planning to date him and I could relax, lol.

@@CowgirlJane and @@gowalking, I agree with you about the attitude. I've noticed a big difference in the interest I get now and what I got a couple of years ago when I tried this. Maybe the trick is to just fake whatever confidence I don't feel now?

I love reading about all of your insights and experiences. It gives me something to mirror when you guys figure out what works first!

[roundisashape 712]

Honestly, I think you make a great point about waiting.

One of my friends recently has plastics done and has a bunch more planned. She said as she gets more done, she's getting responses from a different kind of man and is kind of glad she didn't stick with someone she met earlier - whether it's truly a different kind of interest or it's a reflection on what she's willing to accept as she gets more comfortable in her own skin, I can't say.

Truthfully, I haven't been at this long enough to get really frustrated. I think that's why I've only successfully gotten one guy out of the house, though the interest I'm drawing is a mixed bag and I haven't been super interested in most of the people that have responded. I DO have one set up for Sunday and I'm hopeful that we can at least be friends if we're not couple material, because he seems like someone I could enjoy spending time with either way.

One thing I DON'T have patience for is dragging out online communication forever. I'm 37 years old, and looking for guys in my age range - if they're scared to come out, we're not going to work anyway. I wonder if that comes across as desperation? That's not what I'm going for, but after we've chatted for a few days I think it's time to meet and see what happens!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Me too. In a few days I either just drop communication or suggest meeting. I think guys might be scared to ask? If they are not enthusiast about meeting. .I drop em. Some of those laggards will contact me again later and generally I won't meet them. I am a real.woman looking for a real man who genuinely wants to get to know me. ..not interested in the rest of the static.