Fat Related Routines You Won't Miss

[The Candidate 3,215]

@@Califlower83 Okay, this one really got to me.

"Sweating- I currently sweat profusely like all the time! A co worker of mine thinks it's cute to come over and wipe my sweaty face all the time, I feel so embarrassed every time!"

I think this one deserves a little retaliation. I'm a big time office practical joker. And because I have a serious poker face, and am outwardly perceived by most as sweet and innocent, nobody ever suspects it's me. Here are a few of my past covert missions that went off without a hitch, if you're so inclined.

1) Once I super glued a quarter to someone's desk. I thought watching her try to pick it up was amusing enough, but when she had to resort to a letter opener to pry it off, it really got fun.

2) Did you know that you can remove the little individual keys from a keyboard? One day I removed all the keys from a co workers board and rearranged them in a random order.

3) This one requires a little heavy lifting on your part, but it's worth it in the end. I think all office workers are familiar with that big drawer on the desk that usually sits about stomach level. One time I filled someone's to the brim with rocks.

4) This one you can plan out over a week or so. The trick is that you have to skip a day here and there to throw them off guard. Go around and remove the staples from everyone's stapler. And after they fill it up, take them out again and again, over the next week or so.

5) Do you have any small items around your house that you want to get rid of? Like a string of beads or a used lightbulb? Bring them in and randomly leave them on people's desks. They go crazy trying to figure out where they're coming from.

6) There are these neat little portable sound effect devices that you can activate with a remote control. I'll hide it in the oddest places like a ceiling tile, or a filing cabinet. Some of the sounds it makes are a Water faucet drip, or a cat meowing, or an old fashioned phone ringing. Carry the remote in your pocket and you're in for hours of fun as people try to figure out where it's coming from. They sell them on eBay.

Just a few to start you off with. It may not stop her from thinking it's cute to wipe your face, but it does wonders for your inner demon. ????

[drmeow 323]

6) There are these neat little portable sound effect devices that you can activate with a remote control. I'll hide it in the oddest places like a ceiling tile, or a filing cabinet. Some of the sounds it makes are a Water faucet drip, or a cat meowing, or an old fashioned phone ringing. Carry the remote in your pocket and you're in for hours of fun as people try to figure out where it's coming from. They sell them on eBay.

Just a few to start you off with. It may not stop her from thinking it's cute to wipe your face, but it does wonders for your inner demon.

I think a nice fart sound with remote control would be perfect for the face-wiper!

[The Candidate 3,215]

@@drmeow Yep the fart sound is on it too. But we already have a few drive by farters in my office, so I don't think they'd even notice that one. ????

[MOMMY2MGM 49]

Having to lift up my belly to wash my vagina! Having to tie my laces... (I would just take my shoe off put it on the counter tie my laces and put it on)

Not huffing and puffing after walking the dog!

[The Candidate 3,215]

@@MOMMY2MGM Hear you on the vagina issue. Me and my vagina haven't shared a monologue in eons. ????

Edited July 9, 2015 by The Candidate

[lauraellen80 855]

Me and my vagina haven't shared a monologue in eons.

Oh, my god... I'm blaming you if I pop a stitch!

[The Candidate 3,215]

@@lauraellen80 Please no popping! I don't think my insurance will cover that. ????

[shemica 19]

@ Padre

[MrsSugarbabe 727]

What a great post!!! Love all the responses!! There are still 3 pages for me to read, but at this point I can't think of anything to add to all the lists; I agree with all that's been said. Some of ya'll are making me laugh!! Because I see myself in what you've shared.

@@MIMISAN - The weight loss definitely helps with the stress incontinence

Edited July 9, 2015 by MrsSugarbabe

[Califlower83 33]

@@The Candidate omg I laughed so much reading your pranks! You're like a real Jim Halpert (the office) but sadly I don't work in an office so I'd have to think of some other way of revenge lol

[Sarsa333 14]

I just decided two weeks ago to research wls. I've been fighting this for 25 years and I can't do it anymore. It is my plan to do the surgery at the end of November or early December. This post came to me at the perfect time!

Top 10 Things I won't miss:

10. Having to shop in the basement of department stores. It's like Macy's is ashamed of me! Let's put the fatties down there.

9. Lord, the sweating! Especially after I shower because what is the point?

8. Showing up to social events with my make-up sliding off my face from sweating and/or social anxiety. I look cute when I leave the house, but look like a sloppy hot mess when I arrive somewhere.

7. Sweat dripping off me after I vacuum my studio apartment.

6. Dating without explaining my weight!

5. Another sweating one...going for a long walk in the winter and sweating because my jacket is too warm. I live in Minnesota.

4. Weighing more than my male friends, some twice as much.

3. Being the only overweight person in my family.

2. Not blowing out the crotch in my favorite pair of pants. Seriously not cool to have this happen at work!

1. My cats will hopefully stop kneeding my front butt, aka my gut!

Thank you all for making me laugh and for the amazing encouragement!

[The Candidate 3,215]

@@Sarsa333 Welcome! You've found a lovely place to roost. Congrats on making the decision to charge your life! Love your post! ????

Speaking of the sweating (cuz when isn't that foremost on our minds) it reminded me of The Karate Kid (the original with Ralph Macchio, not the remake, who was a major hunk in my day).

Anyway... back to sweating... Do you remember the scene where he came dressed as a shower for Halloween? Complete with a shower curtain and an overhead faucet? Of course, he didn't use real Water. But, if we were to tinker with that idea (or outright steal it), and rig up a way to use some real Water, we'd be raking in the dough! (Sorry most of my words just somehow come out food related).

Start by selling a few portable showers in Lane Bryant, and like dollar days at McDonalds, all of our fellow fatties will come running (but don't stare directly at them running, as all that fat in motion and friction burns will be forever imprinted on your retinas). We might even have to add a warning label that spells that out too. Like those "don't jump in the pool with your hair dryer on" labels. Or "this coffee is actually hot!" Don't want any law suits.

Anybody with me?

[blashlee 509]

Sweating to death while I dry/straighten my hair.

Having to stuff my body into Shapewear and then have said shapewear clipped to my bra to stop it from rolling.

Needing help with buckling my shoes because they're too tight.

Bra extender.

Needing to basically marinate my body in Icy/Hot or Tiger Balm after a workout because my joints hurt so bad.

Untagging myself in unflattering photos after an event LOL

Dont miss these things.

[TeeNahh 40]

I have hips and a huge butt - I'm also 9 days post op.

I can not wait to not have to worry if

my butt will fit in a regular chair with handles or at least hurt after a few mins of being squeezed in it.

Anywhere. (Theme parks included)

Same Goes for airplanes seats ! I went to Greece last year and my first flight was spent in a tiny seat ( for me ) for 9 hours in horrible pain that turned into bruises, paid extra for 1st class on the way back.

Also can't wait to stop rummaging through my drawers for the perfect outfit that fits good vs just grabbing what I want to wear.

I have really adventurous friends who like to do crazy things, and id love to join in instead of being scared I'll break something or won't be able to do it.

Also being hit on by normal dudes when I go out with my friends lol.

Amen. ????

[shemica 19]

I'm so embarrassed about this don't know if anyone has touched upon this but. Having to tuck a towel under your stomach to make sure it's dry.