"BFF" Went MIA...Jealousy?

[Nurse 52 94]

Congrats on your weight lose continue to do you it's your time shine. I love your spirit

[CloserToFine 172]

KittyChick --

First of all, congrats on being your best self! You sound like an awesome, authentic person and anyone would be lucky to be your friend! :-)

That said, I recognize with sadness the reaction of your former BFF. It's hard to lose people that you've depended on and cared about.

Since I've just begun my WLS journey, I haven't lost anyone due to weight issues (yet!!) In the past, however, I've made massive changes in my life (including divorce and quitting a very stable job to pursue a career in a new field) and "lost" several friends and acquaintances for those reasons. Almost always, the person's reaction had nothing to do with me; I simply acted as a trigger for some difficult emotions that they didn't want to examine. Instead of wishing me well on my individual journey, they tried to tear me down verbally. Instead of taking it personally, though, I learned to see it as a sign of where THEY were on their individual path.

It's hard having to be the (emotionally) "bigger" person. But once I realized that my life changes were functioning as a mirror for them to look into and assess themselves, I could accept that their unkindness toward me was misdirected. It was their issue, their problem, that only they could resolve.

Billy Joel has a great lyric that I keep coming back to on these sad occasions: "So many faces in and out of my life/ Some will last/ Some will just be now and then/ Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes/ I'm afraid it's time for goodbye again."

Hang in there. xoxo

[SippedChick 9]

Ohhh I'm SO GLAD I found this topic. Something along the same lines happened to me this weekend, actually ON my birthday July 3.

No plans had been made for my bday which, sadly, is pretty normal. My aunt wanted to buy a huge cake and my mom asked me about it. I told my mom that I can eat cake, but I break out in a sweat when I eat it so I really don't want cake. Then too, I wouldn't want any leftovers and then my mom and sister and aunts would have to finish it.

Anyway, I didn't know what time my aunt was going to stop by and I was headed out to the gym (got a week pass) and said hello to my aunt. She said I looked good and silly me, I thought that was an invitation to give all the stats.. how many lbs lost, my clothing size.. etc.

Later on that evening, my sister told me that when my aunt came into the house, she said to them,

Was I THAT annoying when I had MY weight loss surgery? And my sister agreed. She said I should stop talking about what size I am, how much weight I lost, what I eat. And my response was just.. Ok. I won't talk about it anymore.

I read stories before I had the surgery how ANGRY people can get when you lose weight. For me it's been painful because a lot of the people I thought supported me were just sitting back watching and waiting for me to fail so they could Celebrate. But something went terribly wrong.. I'm not failing and I've lost a total of 75 lbs since I met with my surgeon. 25 pre op and 50 post op.. and still losing. I'm only 4 months out and I am ON IT. Only about 50 lbs to go to goal.

So I guess I will just keep showing up for visits with my mom, and if they are around, I'll just hide in the guest room or something.. I dunno. I cried today over it. This is the most weight I have ever lost in my life and the smallest I've been in 20 years and I'm supposed to not talk about it? Pretend it's not important or it's not happening?

Ugh...

[woo woo 872]

@@SippedChick when I was new and losing a lot, I used to regale my husband daily with all the fascinating and useful nutrition info I was learning and using.

After about a month, he finally explained to me in a nice (ish) way that having surgery doesn't make me an expert on everything food-related and that it had gotten annoying.

At the time it hurt my feelings a little since I really thought I was being helpful. But after I got over it, I realized he was right and I cut it out.

The amount that we want to talk about all this stuff is way more than others want to hear us talk about it. So, in the end that is why we are lucky to have these boards.

Try not to be hurt about it (hard I know, especially since things were said behind your back. I really hate that) and just try to save it for those of us that really want to know more about it all. We are out there and we care.

[woo woo 872]

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[SippedChick 9]

Wow.

[woo woo 872]

Wow.

I'm not sure what you mean by wow? I assume that was in response to my post, but maybe I'm wrong about that?

[snowkitten 371]

Personally I don't this this had so much to do with your weight loss as it does your happiness. Know the saying "misery loves company"? Some people just like unhappy people (or even people they think should be unhappy). I had a friend who was great. We worked together, went out together, talked all the time etc... I would honestly call her a best friend. She was always complaining to me about a guy she was obsessed with who wasnt as in to her. Then one day I met this amazing guy who made me happy and who was very obviously in to me (this is actually my husband now). Next thing I know she completely stopped talking to me and is seemed she almost "shunned" me. 6 years later it still hurts to find out our friendship meant so little to her. My advice to you is to sit her down and ask her what is going on. Tell her your feelings (the sooner the better because the longer u wait, the harder it gets). I actually waited several months to ask my "friend" what happened and by then it was just too late to fix things. Good luck, I really hope things work out for u.

[rosepose 105]

Ohhh I'm SO GLAD I found this topic. Something along the same lines happened to me this weekend, actually ON my birthday July 3.

No plans had been made for my bday which, sadly, is pretty normal. My aunt wanted to buy a huge cake and my mom asked me about it. I told my mom that I can eat cake, but I break out in a sweat when I eat it so I really don't want cake. Then too, I wouldn't want any leftovers and then my mom and sister and aunts would have to finish it.

Anyway, I didn't know what time my aunt was going to stop by and I was headed out to the gym (got a week pass) and said hello to my aunt. She said I looked good and silly me, I thought that was an invitation to give all the stats.. how many lbs lost, my clothing size.. etc.

Later on that evening, my sister told me that when my aunt came into the house, she said to them,

Was I THAT annoying when I had MY weight loss surgery? And my sister agreed. She said I should stop talking about what size I am, how much weight I lost, what I eat. And my response was just.. Ok. I won't talk about it anymore.

I read stories before I had the surgery how ANGRY people can get when you lose weight. For me it's been painful because a lot of the people I thought supported me were just sitting back watching and waiting for me to fail so they could Celebrate. But something went terribly wrong.. I'm not failing and I've lost a total of 75 lbs since I met with my surgeon. 25 pre op and 50 post op.. and still losing. I'm only 4 months out and I am ON IT. Only about 50 lbs to go to goal.

So I guess I will just keep showing up for visits with my mom, and if they are around, I'll just hide in the guest room or something.. I dunno. I cried today over it. This is the most weight I have ever lost in my life and the smallest I've been in 20 years and I'm supposed to not talk about it? Pretend it's not important or it's not happening?

Ugh...

Aw!! I'm so sorry! That must have really hurt. You're going through this major change and you want to share it with them. I totally get that!

I think there might be 2 things going on with them - the first being that sometimes when we're really excited about something we talk about it all the time. Like when friends get married and all they ever talk about is their wedding which is actually really fun for a couple of weeks but at month 3 you kind of want to talk about something else already? But it's a really big positive life changing event and your'e still happy for them and love them and support them, you just want to talk about it a little less in balance with other things because it's not YOUR big life changing event and for you there are still other things going on that interest you.

The other - and I think this is the part you're probably responding to more as it's the more painful of the two - is that when we change in a big way, the dynamics of our closest relationships change too. They have to. And that can cause those that we're closest to some discomfort which can lead to resistance and resentment from them. It causes them to have to disrupt their patterns and reassess their own stuff when they might not actually want to and that can cause unpleasantness. I've run into exactly that with stuff that has nothing to do with weight loss over the years. It's really hard! And good for you for not allowing it to change what you're doing. I have totally crumbled in the face of that in the past - I was much younger then but looking back I know I chose their comfort over my own emotional health and happiness more than once. It really hurts, but if that's what's going on then it might help to remember that it's not actually about you or how much they love you so much as the painful issues within themselves that are coming up for them in response to these changes. Possibly they need a little time to process them and you need distance from them while they're doing so in order to protect and nurture these positive changes that you're experiencing.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Sippedchick, first off .......HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU !!!!!!! Yes, we do care ! And its nice to be acknowledged !! Sending lots of good karma your way ! 2nd, as Rosepose said, sometimes even though you have done very well in the weigh loss part, and you should be VERY proud of yourself, its not part of other people's life as much as it is yours. Her "wedding " idea was spot on. We're not ALL on the same page, sometimes not even in the same book ! Here on this forum ? Same book, mostly the same page, hell, sometimes even the same sentence. Sometimes. And 3rd, your Aunt had WLS too. Dont know how long ago or how successful she was, but maybe you're doing better than she did and you hit a nerve ? Then again, based on your description of several family members etc, it could be they're just acting " normal " for them............ unsupportive, cranky, impatient. ............. whatever they are. It has nothing to do with you, so you just keep on getting stronger and healthier every day, come here for the support you need, and know that as you get stronger and fitter you will find that the stuff your family does won't bother you so much. What you lose in weight , you will gain in self esteem. My best to you !

[MissRobin 93]

Same Boat @@KittyChick When I told my best friend of 18 years about my choice for WLS she asked why, I told her and she hasnt talked to me since then .... it has been almost a month.

[Bandora 136]

I have been in the same boat. Sadly, you cant figure out the reason people sometimes change. I am sure your success somehow makes her more aware of her insecurities. Anyway, it is painful to lose a friend and I am sorry you are hurting. Congrats on the weight loss!. I would just focus on other friends and activities and don't try to analyze. Hopefully she will come around. It does make me sad to see women who don't support other women. I get tired of my weight being the sole topic with some friends. I DO like the same hobbies etc...I am just smaller.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I had a friend that had weight loss surgery a few years ago. I am no longer friends with her. I am sure she tells people I am jealous or whatever, but in reality her whole personality changed. She was shy and quiet before and really sweet and she let people walk over her. When she lost weight, she got confidence and over compensated the other way. She turned into a raging bitch about every little thing. Instead of knowing when to compromise or agree to disagree she wanted to argue every point until she "won" every conversation, even simple conversations where there is no clear winner. It got exhausting. I tired to be cool for a year or so but I gave up. I'm an adult and I know myself. She was going on this fantastic journey of self discovery or whatever and I did that with all my college friends in college. I don't dislike her, I just stopped talking to her, she isn't the same person. BTW this was an online friend so there was no physical jealousy, we have never hung out in person even though we had been friends several years. I am sure one day she will find that balance of being assertive without going overboard.

Kitty,

People are sometimes unhappy with their lives and they don't realize it, until they see someone else happy. I think your friend is unhappy and feeling insecure. If she is already insecure on her own, being around someone that makes her more insecure is probably more than she can handle. She probably doesn't know how to verbalize this to you. Reach out to her once, if she doesn't respond, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

[Elode 8,093]

Just ask her. Don't drive yourself crazy over it. I'm One of those people who will straight out ask you if "we" have a problem. I'm blunt but it takes the guess work out of it.

[KittyChick 140]

I appreciate everyone's advice and thoughtful responses. I spent some time with my friend the day AFTER I posted this and we had a great time together. Her birthday was last week, so I brought her a gift and we laughed and talked with comfort and ease. It was really nice. I didn't want to ruin it by bringing up my "suspicions" so I didn't.

However, this little meet up happened at her place and not in public which probably helped the dynamic. Instead of the parties & happy hours we used to frequent (which are full of men), maybe more private environments are best for our relationship right now. All we can do is wait & see I guess. I'm hopeful we can get our friendship back to where it was though.