"BFF" Went MIA...Jealousy?

[KittyChick 140]

Has anyone experienced a good friend distancing themselves from you after your weight loss?

A little background- I consider myself a feminist and most definitely a "girl's girl". My relationships with women have enriched my life more than anything else and I deeply value my friendships. I don't want this thread polluted with "women are catty b****es" messages please, because I do NOT believe that stereotype to be true and I think it's simplistic and degrading. The vast majority of my lady friends have been supportive of my 107lb weight loss. And ALL of them (except one) are thin/normal weight.

​HOWEVER, the person I considered my "best" friend seems to be shutting me out of her life and it is incredibly painful and not at all something I anticipated. This is a normal size friend. She's not plus sized and never has been. She's probably a size 8 or 10.

At the beginning of my WLS journey, she was uber supportive. However these last 6 months, as I've gotten under 200lbs finally, she's majorly distanced herself from me and begun to exclude me almost entirely from social events.

I've been hitting the gym very, very hard (3 cardio days and 3 weight training days a week) lately and although the scale hasn't moved a lot since the beginning of the year, I've lost a lot of inches and my face has shrunk a lot. Well consequently, when we go out now, I get a lot of attention from the opposite sex. Men buy me drinks, aggressively flirt with me, etc. None of it solicited, mind you...and nothing I think I'll ever get used to either.

One night about 5 months ago, we were leaving happy hour (after I exchanged numbers with a guy who was chatting me up) and she said to me "Why don't men ever talk to me?" in a super hostile, accusatory tone of voice. I didn't know what to say... so I kinda brushed it off and changed the subject.

Well ever since then, I barely see her. We used to spend every weekend doing something social and now, via Facebook, I see that she is having the adventures WE used to share with others- without so much as an invite to me. It hurts a lot. I've racked my brain trying to think of what else could be driving this but I can't think of anything. I've asked my other friends (casually) if they think I've "changed" and they're effusive with praise about my progress and the state of our friendships. They insist I'm still the same, just happier and more fit. They're proud of me and say it all the time- which makes her shunning of me that much more profound & conspicuous.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you handle it? I've only been best friends with this woman since she moved here two years ago so it's not like I've known her since childhood or anything but we were really, really close when I was fat. This hurts my heart, but it has seriously pissed me the hell off too. Sometimes I want to confront her angrily and other times I just want to say "eff it" and focus on all my supportive friends....I don't know what to do. Advice?

Edited July 4, 2015 by KittyChick

[shellyd88 463]

I wouldn't bother confronting her save your energy for getting fit and healthy seems like she is viewing you as competition perhaps she hadn't before your weight loss from her rather sharp comments about why guys aren't talking to her it's clear there's some resentment or jealousy there it's not your job to take abuse and nasty attitude from her if social outings don't go her way perhaps it's more than just your weight loss that is attracting men to you maybe it's a new confidence or openness that she isn't giving off this is not a true friend cutting u out speaks volumes clearly she doesn't want to compete with you

[ThreeFifty 166]

Ive seen this happen with a few ladies I knew in the past, but it wasn't weight related. one of the ladies started a business and it was really successful right out of the gate and continued to grow over the years. They were best friends for years, and did a lot together. The one girl was really supportive at first almost bragging about her friends business, she seemed to be so proud. after about a year the friend started being distant, she only included the business owner in activities if it was a reason to invite her....like maybe they need someone to pitch in to help pay for this or that.

the business owner was patient and brushed it off and after about a year or so of being left out. the friend started being a friend again.

Maybe this will happen with your situation. she just has to get use to the new dynamics that a slimmer you bring to your friendship.

Unfortunately, the reunion my friends had didn't last long. The friend that didn't have the business just went back and forth with their friendship, disappearing at times and showing up if something happens in her life where she needs a friend.

[Ktprimo 63]

I didn't lose my friend due to weight loss, I lost her because she doesn't want me to lose the weight. Her self-image and ego have always been fed by the fact that she has always been considered the "pretty one" and has even self-proclaimed this on one occasion where I now regret not ending the friendship and saving myself from her huge ego then. Recently, upon learning of my plans for surgery, she actually stated very clearly that she "doesn't think we can be friends if I am thinner and prettier than her." A 30 year friendship down the drain because I've just realized I've ignored for a very long time that she is extremely shallow. Not all women are this way. Only shallow, inconsiderate, narcissistic people (both men & women) are like this. This is occasionally the same reaction you would get from jealous, self-loathing, needy people. Both types are not good friends.

I have come to terms with the loss of the old me. The old me is not this brave and strong. I have just begun my journey but I am determined to lose the weight that has dragged me down for years and I intend to lose all of the bad friends who dragged me down too.

I keep reminding myself that "Surrounding yourself with positive, supportive and kind people is also a healthy habit." And this whole journey to finding the new me is all about creating and maintaining healthy habits for the rest of my life.

Oh...and one last thing...take her comment and cold shoulder as a compliment. You are now the "pretty one" and that's not such a bad thing either.

[KittyChick 140]

I wouldn't bother confronting her save your energy for getting fit and healthy seems like she is viewing you as competition perhaps she hadn't before your weight loss from her rather sharp comments about why guys aren't talking to her it's clear there's some resentment or jealousy there it's not your job to take abuse and nasty attitude from her if social outings don't go her way perhaps it's more than just your weight loss that is attracting men to you maybe it's a new confidence or openness that she isn't giving off this is not a true friend cutting u out speaks volumes clearly she doesn't want to compete with you

This is what I'm leaning toward- not confronting her or saying anything at all. I'm an emotional person who can cry at the drop of a hat and I kinda don't trust myself to keep my cool. I am *so* uncompetitive with other women that it's hard for me to believe that she possibly sees me as some kind of threat. When she asked "why aren't men talking to ME?" I was flabbergasted and immediately felt guilty for getting attention.

When I was big, we would go out and both be pretty much ignored by men TOGETHER. Maybe that helped endear me to her at the beginning? I think that since this isn't the case anymore she feels isolated or invisible. I feel tremendous compassion for her over that. But I haven't become any less of a good friend to her. And I can't go back to being 285lbs so she feels better about herself.

[KittyChick 140]

I didn't lose my friend due to weight loss, I lost her because she doesn't want me to lose the weight. Her self-image and ego have always been fed by the fact that she has always been considered the "pretty one" and has even self-proclaimed this on one occasion where I now regret not ending the friendship and saving myself from her huge ego then. Recently, upon learning of my plans for surgery, she actually stated very clearly that she "doesn't think we can be friends if I am thinner and prettier than her." A 30 year friendship down the drain because I've just realized I've ignored for a very long time that she is extremely shallow. Not all women are this way. Only shallow, inconsiderate, narcissistic people (both men & women) are like this. This is occasionally the same reaction you would get from jealous, self-loathing, needy people. Both types are not good friends.

I have come to terms with the loss of the old me. The old me is not this brave and strong. I have just begun my journey but I am determined to lose the weight that has dragged me down for years and I intend to lose all of the bad friends who dragged me down too.

I keep reminding myself that "Surrounding yourself with positive, supportive and kind people is also a healthy habit." And this whole journey to finding the new me is all about creating and maintaining healthy habits for the rest of my life.

Oh...and one last thing...take her comment and cold shoulder as a compliment. You are now the "pretty one" and that's not such a bad thing either.

Wow, how terrible that your "friend" is so invested in getting her ego boosts from being "prettier" than you. What a sad, shallow existence. I hate stories like this. You don't deserve that. You're absolutely right that surrounding yourself with positive people is a healthy habit...the same way eating well and exercising is.

I honestly don't take any comfort in being "the pretty one" now. I just want my friend back. I now have to come to terms with the fact that this relationship will likely always be fractured as long as I'm fit. It's a horrible feeling because I am so much happier with myself and so much more satisfied with life. I want to share that joy. I have worked SO hard for this and made so many sacrifices to lose this weight. I want the people I care about to be just as thrilled as I am.

[shellyd88 463]

Exactly ... friends should support and encourage each other not compete or feel threatened by the other that's just pure unadulterated selfishness it's all about them when that dynamic changes as u said u were both ignored and now that has changed and she now must face her own self and the possible reasons men aren't speaking to her it certainly isn't your fault and u deserve to be as happy as anyone else and find a guy if that is what you want someone who tries to make u feel guilty or somehow at fault is not worth your time or energy if u are emotional they likely will use that against u and u will end up feeling sorry for them and apologizing when you've done nothing wrong and the cycle will just continue been there done that if someone can't be supportive and happy for you that u have gotten to a better place in life gotten healthier etc well they will likely just drag u down u don't need that

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Although I know you're hurting from your friends attitude towards you and your weight loss ( Congratulations by the way !) , from your story Im sensing this is not so much about what YOU'VE accomplished, but more of what she HASN'T !!!! Her statement about men not paying as much attention to her as they do you speaks volumes about her own insecurities. She wants what you have, and isn't getting it, so instead of having you around as that constant reminder she's pushing you away so that she can breathe and not have to deal with it. Sad but true. You both may be average sized , but she has no light shining from within, you however, do. Sorry for your lost friendship, but not sorry for the new person you've become . You worked hard to become her , you should be very proud of you !!!

[KittyChick 140]

Exactly ... friends should support and encourage each other not compete or feel threatened by the other that's just pure unadulterated selfishness it's all about them when that dynamic changes as u said u were both ignored and now that has changed and she now must face her own self and the possible reasons men aren't speaking to her it certainly isn't your fault and u deserve to be as happy as anyone else and find a guy if that is what you want someone who tries to make u feel guilty or somehow at fault is not worth your time or energy if u are emotional they likely will use that against u and u will end up feeling sorry for them and apologizing when you've done nothing wrong and the cycle will just continue been there done that if someone can't be supportive and happy for you that u have gotten to a better place in life gotten healthier etc well they will likely just drag u down u don't need that

Very true and I appreciate your feedback. I shouldn't be the one feeling "bad" or guilty.

I think what adds insult to injury is the fact that she has been actively looking for a boyfriend for as long as I've known her. She hasn't had a relationship in a long time and is a serial online dater. When we first met, I was in a 2yr relationship with a guy but broke it off. Since my surgery a year and a half ago I have not dated. The gym is my boyfriend.

And despite all the attention from men, I'm not looking to date. I'm ferociously, shamelessly working on ME. So, I'm not doing any online dating or actively trying to meet ANY men. And while I will chat with guys when we're out, I usually reject any advances to date or get serious. It's very possible that men throwing themselves at me and me rejecting them is an annoyance to her. Here she is actively looking but can't find a guy while I'm actively NOT looking and they're giving me all the (unwanted) attention.

Although I know you're hurting from your friends attitude towards you and your weight loss ( Congratulations by the way !) , from your story Im sensing this is not so much about what YOU'VE accomplished, but more of what she HASN'T !!!! Her statement about men not paying as much attention to her as they do you speaks volumes about her own insecurities. She wants what you have, and isn't getting it, so instead of having you around as that constant reminder she's pushing you away so that she can breathe and not have to deal with it. Sad but true. You both may be average sized , but she has no light shining from within, you however, do. Sorry for your lost friendship, but not sorry for the new person you've become . You worked hard to become her , you should be very proud of you !!!

What a nice thing to say. Thank you for the kind words. I really AM proud of me. That's what makes this so hard. I want her to be proud too. I don't want to compete with her....or ANY women. That's not who I am fundamentally. I didn't *think* that's who she was either but I guess we don't always know people the way we think we do.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Yeah, I forget where I read this, but here's what you should do:

"... say "eff it" and focus on all my supportive friends."

Stop trying to "figure it out." You'll make yourself nuts. It's not YOUR problem. It's interesting, but it's not your problem. Really.

Move on.

And congrats on all your great progress thus far. I love your attitude of working on yourself. Keep working on you.

[FocusOnMeNow 599]

Kitty Chick,

Might it be worth getting together for some "girl time" one on one with her where competition for men is not an issue? Maybe just go out to lunch or go get your nails done? Maybe you can tell her that you miss her friendship and see where that goes? Perhaps, without meaning to you said or did something insensitive or perhaps she was having a particularly bad day that day and so was just extra sensitive.

Then take it from there. If she doesn't respond to your invite or doesn't tell you how she also misses your friendship then maybe just move on. But if she does maybe you can then INVITE HER to some social group outings, and then see if she responds in turn. If she does then great, if not then just know that you did what you could and move on.

I wouldn't suggest this for every friend or acquaintance, but if she was truly your best friend then perhaps its worth pursuing.

Good luck!

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Why not just pick up the phone, give her a call and ask what's up?

Sounds to me like you have nothing to lose.

[woo woo 872]

Agree with LL just call her.

It sounds like you are still a young woman. Something I learned is that people will come and go from your life on a fairly regular basis.

Usually these relationships last as long as the thing you had on common, give or take a few months (school, job, whatever).

If the main thing that you two had in common was lack of interest from men in bars, well then I suppose that's something you no longer share.

It is what it is. I think it's worth calling to find out for sure though. Especially since it's definitely bothering you.

[maggie409 765]

My best advise is send her a message that says I love you and I miss you and I am here for you whenever you need me. Then drop it and live your life fully. Whatever she is going through is all about her and she will either figure it out and call or she won't. Being hurtful in return does you know good and letting someone bring you down does you know good. Love her, be there for her if she needs you, move on. True friends always come back.

[DreamWeaver44 30]

I loved that you said you were "Shamelessly working on you". I think that is probably part of it though. You have found your inner peace and are happy with yourself; while she is not. She is looking, rather than figuring out what she needs to do to be happy even without a man. (I've been guilty of that) And another thing that I've thought about lately... people get used to us in certain "roles" and then they don't know what to do with a new you! I've always been the overweight, single friend who cracks jokes at herself and is non-threatening. (ie: not competition) So if this changes, (and I hope it does) it changes things and people don't like change, even if it's positive.