FUNNY thoughts!!!

[New Hope 37]

Great ones, Betty! and all true!!

[Iluvharleys 15]

FROM THE DESK 0F S. CLAUS

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and Cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Joe Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Joe Claus because he has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson".

2. Instead of milk and Cookies, Bubba Joe Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and Pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba Joe Claus doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba Joe Claus' fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba Joe Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, Andretti, on Elliott and Petty

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" You also are likely to hear Bubba Joe Claus' elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off".

. 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and " Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Joe Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally,

8. Bubba Joe Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure your wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely yours,

Santa Claus

[lauri 0]

Thoughts to Ponder

I had amnesia once -- maybe twice.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible..... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he

grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one .... for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk about other people.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

Is there another word for synonym?

The speed of time is one second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you

a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken ?

[Guest betsy bear]

Thanks for the laugh.

Billy will cram anything into a toaster...Have you ever had shopping cart races in the store?

No, but sometimes when the carry out boy at the store is pushing my groceries out in the cart, i say hang on a minute and i get on the back of the cart and say ok go ahead! and he gives me a ride out to the car--hee hee

[Penni60 45]

Just got this and had to post it.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered quite violently once more. Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped you nose, then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"Sorry if I disturb! rbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I've never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper"

[hrv 0]

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.< /p>

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules, any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

[Penni60 45]

The Seven dwarfs of MENOPAUSE

Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and Psycho

[KarenB 0]

I'm rolling on the floor. When my 2 kids go to drink out of a can, they say "we know mom, wash it first, there were once cockroachs & rats walking on these!"

[Penni60 45]

http://www.goodolddogs2.com/older.html

This cracked me up. Make sure you can hear the song it is a hoot

[coyotegirl 3]

Priceless

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of Water on the side table. next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table. "Honey, Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping, Love you." He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough there is hot Breakfast and the morning paper. His son is also at the table eating.

Jack asks, "Son.. What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "OH THAT! Mom drug you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone lady, I'm Married!"

Broken furniture-$85.26

Hot breakfast-$4.20

Red rose bud-$3.00

Two aspirins-$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time........PRICELESS.

[Penni60 45]

http://members.cox.net/ladysarakat/piggy.swf

Just click on the pig. It is funny. Get stressed just click.

[Mita 2]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

[banded&tattooed 3]

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

These are all funny! My wife and I just bought a new single door GE fridge and it has a light in the freezer...first one I've ever seen It also has a Water dispenser inside the fridge near where the hinges are, really cool!

[Penni60 45]

My mom sent me these. What a laugh!!!

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog

>>> >for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the

>>> >parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya'

>>> >be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

>>> >

>>> >Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services

>>> >for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the

>>> >lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do

>>> >something for the creature."

>>> >

>>> >Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000

>>> >is enough to donate to them for the service?"

>>> >

>>> >Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!

>>> >Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

>>> >

>>> >DONATION

>>> >

>>> >Father O'Malley answers the phone

>>> >"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

>>> >"It is"

>>> >"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

>>> >"I can"

>>> >"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

>>> >"I do"

>>> >"Is he a member of your congregation?"

>>> >"He is"

>>> >"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

>>> >"He will".

>>> >

>>> >

>>> >CONFESSION

>>> >

>>> >An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation

>>> >ensues: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many

>>> >children, grandchildren, and great grandchi! ldren. Y esterday, I

>>> >picked

>>> >up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex

>>> >with each of them three times."

>>> >

>>> >Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

>>> >Man: "What sins?"

>>> >Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

>>> >Man: "I'm Jewish."

>>> >Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

>>> >Man: "I'm telling everybody."

>>> >

>>> >

>>> >BROTHEL TRIP

>>> >

>>> >An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would

>>> >like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient

>>> >man and asks how old he is.

>>> >

>>> >"I'm 90 years old," he says.

>>> >

>>> >"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

>>> >

>>> >"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

>>> >

>>> >SENILITY

>>> >

>>> >An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm

>>> >getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

>>> >

>>> >"That's not senility," replied the doctor.

>>> >"Senility is when you forget to zip down."

>>> >

>>> >PEST CONTROL

>>> >

>>> >A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from

>>> >a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in

>>> >the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

>>> >

>>> >"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she

>>> >pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

>>> >

>>> >The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of

>>> >the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?"

>>> >he asked him.

>>> >

>>> >"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

>>> >

>>> >"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

>>> >

>>> >"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,

>>> >" the man replied.

>>> >

>>> >"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

>>> >

>>> >The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."

>>>

[Penni60 45]

Here is another one my mom sent me. I laughed so hard.

You might enjoy an updated version of "who's on first"

>

>

>

> You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... for those who don't, you are too young anyway.

>

>

>

> If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

>

>

>

> COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

>

>

>

> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

>

>

>

> COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

>

>

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> ABBOTT: Mac?

>

>

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> COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

>

>

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> ABBOTT: Your computer?

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>

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> COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one

>

>

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> ABBOTT: Mac?

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>

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> COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

>

>

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> ABBOTT: What about Windows?

>

>

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> COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

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>

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> ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

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>

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> COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

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>

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> COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

>

>

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> ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

>

>

>

> COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

>

>

>

> ABBOTT: Office.

>

>

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> COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office; can you recommend anything?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: I just did.

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>

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> COSTELLO: You just did what?

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>

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> ABBOTT: Recommend something.

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>

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> COSTELLO: You recommended something?

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>

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> ABBOTT: Yes.

>

>

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> COSTELLO: For my office?

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>

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> ABBOTT: Yes.

>

>

>

> COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: Office.

>

>

>

> COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

>

>

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> ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

>

>

>

> COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: Word.

>

>

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> COSTELLO: What word?

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>

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> ABBOTT: Word in Office.

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>

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> COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

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>

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> ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

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>

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> COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

>

>

>

> COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

>

>

>

> ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

>

>

>

> COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

>

>

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> ABBOTT: Real One.

>

>

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> COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: Of course.

>

>

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> COSTELLO: Great! With what?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: Real One.

>

>

>

> COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

>

>

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> COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: The blue "1".

>

>

>

> COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

>

>

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> COSTELLO: What word?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

>

>

>

> COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

>

>

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> ABBOTT: No, just one but it's the most popular Word in the world.

>

>

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> COSTELLO: It is?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

>

>

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> COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

>

>

>

> COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: Money.

>

>

>

> COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: Money.

>

>

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> COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

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>

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> ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

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>

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> COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

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>

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> ABBOTT: Money

>

>

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> COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

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>

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> ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

>

>

>

> COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: One copy.

>

>

>

> COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

>

>

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> COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

>

>

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> ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

>

>

>

> (A few days later)................................

>

>

>

> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

>

>

>

> COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

>

>

>

> ABBOTT: Click on "START".......