FUNNY thoughts!!!

[Penni60 45]

These were just too funny not to pass along. ENJOY THEM!!!

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer?

2. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you

[New Hope 37]

What's really scary is I can relate to most of them! Too funny, Penni!

[Vera 7]

Thanks for the laugh.

Billy will cram anything into a toaster...Have you ever had shopping cart races in the store?

[Iluvharleys 15]

Really cute! I too can relate to most of them!

[Penni60 45]

Here are some more funnies.

TEN TOP INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HMO:

10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

9) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6) The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is, "An apple a day."

5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges," is not a typographical error.

3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HMO:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape .

Vera, Yes I have had shopping cart races in Walmart and the Grocery store. LOADS OF FUN!!!!

[Zoe 6]

Here's something sent by a friend in Belfast:

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If you own a piece of land do you own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. Why does mineral Water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

5. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

6. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll

squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

7. What do people in China call their good plates?

8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

9. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

10. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe him, but if he tells you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

11. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

[Penni60 45]

# 8 and # 9 had me rolling. I love these things.

[Penni60 45]

This was sent to me by a good friend of mine. I laughed so hard. Great Answers to some good questions.

Health & Fitness - The Facts:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the Water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain ... Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa Beans .... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' *is* a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets -- and remember,

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

[Iluvharleys 15]

Very cute Penni! That quote at the bottom of the page is the one I use to have on my WW thread.

[Zoe 6]

Love the health & fitness facts! I've gotta pass them along to some friends who have been arguing that sugar, caffeine, alcohol, and grease are the four basic food groups.

[samy_love 0]

lol thats was nice they are funy sweety

[Penni60 45]

I just love this one. A friend sent it to me.

Subject: Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving

each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next

day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning

business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a

rough draft before the masterpiece

[leatha_g 4]

hahaha. i love that one.. lol

[Iluvharleys 15]

Now that is a neat one!

[Iluvharleys 15]

Hello Everyone!

Want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me

your damn chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me

Feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern....

I no longer can drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these

products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the

rat feces and urine...

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be

pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a

Water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping ! malls because someone will drug me with a

perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually

Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our

Americans troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a

stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls

to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan....

I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because estrogen's they contain will

turn me gay....

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant

freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and

leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer have any sneakers--but that will change once I receive my

free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive Cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have

their re! cipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking

out for me, and St. Theresa's novena had granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I

forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five

minutes. (Geese, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I Gave it to a sick girl who is

about to die in a hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive

the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in

their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you Soooooooo much for looking out for me! I

will now return the favor. If you don't send this e-mail to at least

1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap

on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels

will infest your armp! its. I know this will occur because it actually

happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend, of my next

door neighbor's ex-mother-in -law 's 8th husband's 2 cousin's 5th

husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!!

Confidentiality Notice: The information in this message is confidential

and may be legally privileged. It is intended solely for the addressee.

If you are not the intended recipient, any disclosure, copying, or

distribution of the message, or any action or omission taken by you in

reliance on it, is prohibited and may be unlawful. Please immediately

contact the sender if you have received this message in error. Thank

you.