Please I need advice, Hubby disapointed me

[kimmom 5]

Hello, didnt know who else to talk to since I have kept my band a secret from the ones who I knew whould not be supportive which is most of my family . My parents are wonderful and fully support me and my husband has also been good which is why this really hurt my feelings.

I chose not to tell my father in law because he is very suffisticated and higher class remarried to a skinny woman who pokes fun of over weight people. I asked my hubby no to tell his father just say that I had a female surgery ( knowing that stops most from asking more ) Well my father in law has been asking me how I was feeling and I of course told him it was a female surgery on my overies to remove cysts because he did ask. Well it has been three weeks since my surgery and my father in law calls today and says how are you feeling ? I said better and he totally blew me away by saying " so are you eating less now " and dont you have to get that thing tightened ? my heart sunk I was shocked for two reasons I was very embarassed that obviously I was caught lieing to him and another I asked my husband not to say anything I said Please. I even asked him the other day " Ok what did you tell your dad so I dont look like I am lieing to him" and he said female surgery. Anyway long story short I nicely confornted my hubby asking him why he told him , I said that I understood that he may of needed someone to talke to but it was my privacy( my best friend doesnt even know ) I was floored at his response he said sarcastically ( we'll call him John ) " Bad John , Bad John, dont worry I will eat my supper and get out of your hair I said I wanted to trust him with my private business so bad but now I felt hurt and he said " well dont tell me anything else then " I was speechless I expecxted he might say he was sorry and have an explination, he also said in not a nice way " Well its hard when I am asked questions what am I suppose to say ?" Now he acts mad a me, What is he thinking/ He has always become very defensive and twists things when he is caught with any kind of lie. To me my band is very private because i know the knives are being thrown behind my back with his family knowing, they are not nice caring people. I have been married for 14 yrs and my husband has been so wonderful about my band until I caught him with explaining my private business. I just had tears in my eyes , I am not a person who likes confrentation I was so nice when confronting him. How would you feel ? Thanks so much for listinng I appreciate it so much.

PS I asked my father in law not to tell anyone , I said I would like it to be kept private I even falttered him saying that I trusted him and didnt mind that he knew ( Ya right ! But what else could I say ?) Now I have to face them all and I know their attitude I dred it !

Kim

[Chickie 15]

Your FIL sounds less than classy, as does your step MIL.

As to your question, I would feel like crap. I am sorry you are feeling so badly.

[TexasBecky 1]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad about all of this. I understand how you feel. Unfortunately, many people don't understand how sensitive the whole weight issue is for us. I also know from experience that it is difficult to ask someone to lie for you. It is one thing to tell a lie yourself but another thing to expect someone else to lie for you. My husband just will not do it. He is willing not to volunteer information but if he has to lie he just can't do it. Try not to let this get you off of the focus on you and your weight loss journey. The only person you can control is you. Your husband and inlaws may not support you the way you would like, but the most important thing right now is for you to focus on you and taking care of yourself. When you have lost all the weight this will seem like a minor bump in the road. Good luck.

[SimplyMe 0]

I'm so sorry you were disappointed. That would be awkward...and I understand you feeling betrayed.....but maybe he just doesn't see this surgery like you do. Maybe he's not in the least embarassed that you have had it done and can't understand why you are.

I have been totally upfront about mine. If anyone asks I tell. I see it as my middle-life "plastic surgery" of sorts. It is certainly no secret I'm overweight!!!! I'm extremely lucky as my husband, parents, children and friends are all supportive!

Communicate to him when its less hurtful exactly how that felt! Again I'm sorry for your pain......but soon you're confidence is going to be soaring as you use your new tool to become healthier, active and self-assured!

[Chris_NJ 9]

I think it was almost wrong what you did to your husband also. You asked him to lie. This is his father you asked him to lie to. Sorry you feel bad but put yourself in his shoes also. I never understand why people are afraid to tell people. I could care less. The truth is I am fat and need to lose it. I saw this as a safe option to help me. If someone doesn't care for my decision I tell them to go pound salt lol. Simple enough I think. Maybe you should give your FIL the benefit of the doubt. He obviously is concerned or he would not be asking about your health. I think people forget that not everyone is as educated on WLS as people who need it and they just assume they know. You should open up and educate him.

[mylapspirit 2]

I am so sorry for you and know how betrayed you must feel right now. Keep the communication channels open with your husband and whatever you do don't let these feelings get in the way of your new goals and successes.

Take care!

[kimmom 5]

Thank you both for your kind thoughts, I thought about what you said and you are right about asking someone else to lie. I guess the thing that hurt me is that he will lie about things he doesnt want his father to know , doesnt have a guilty bone in his body. You said it in so many words, I shouldnt worry about them, they may think they are superior to me being in their upper class group but to be critical and to judge people like they do they have a bigger problem than I do with my weight. They should be so lucky to have a band invented to change their attitude Haha I just cant stand when people dont understand and think it is the easy way out . Just as an example of how ignorant my step mother in law is --When we adopted our first child as an infant we took him to their house to meet them and my step MIL says " How could this babys birthmother give him up ? Why didnt she just have an abortion, would of been eaiser " Can you imagine that here I am with my prayers being answered by a very unselfish woman who knew she could not afford this baby but chose life for him and he was blessed with wonderful parents who's dreams had come true and the igonrant MIL says something like that. I have never liked that woman no even one tiny bit. But I try to put on a happy face so that my husband can have a small realtionship with his father. Luckily she has nothing to do with our three adopted children. I would not want her being Grammy to them for their sake. She is 30 yrs younger that my FIL prances around all 110 lbs of her in her mini skirt all painted up Give me a brake. Sorry to ramble just couldnt resist telling you this story.Gives you an idea of how non supportive that group of people is. thanks for listening feel better already just getting it off my chest:)

[Chris_NJ 9]

OK I take back some of what I said LOL Sounds like they are arrogant ******(insert a few 4 letter words there lol) Either way you need to stand up and be proud of your decision ! :clap2:

[kimmom 5]

Forgot to mention that the father in law went yrs without speaking to us because he was predjudice against the nationality of my adopted son. There is alot of history behind him on why I would not want him knowing. After my MIL died we drove out of state to be with him and he left us at their home to go be with his surprise girlfriend, said he didnt need the comfort he was feeling bad for the woman he had an affair with because she wanted him and he was finally free of the 45yr marriage so had to go be with her. Anyway I am happy with my journey even if some of those who surround me are ignorant the important thing is that I will be healthier and happier and be her hopefully many yrs longer with my children and wont die of being so overweight with health problems. All I needed was a band they need a shrink LOL

[virginiann 0]

Kim, I totally feel your pain! My husband did the exact same thing! Boy did we have a war. But in the end, I couldn't undo what had been done so I had to either kill him (which of course would defeat the whole purpose of getting the band in the first place) or get over it. So... I sucked it up and got over it (of course this wasn't an over night process). But I held my head up high and I just talked about it. Even to people who didn't approve. I thought the heck with them all, it's my body, it's my health and if they didn't approve I didn't care!

Now everyone has seen that I have lost 30 pounds since I started my Journey (March 29th I began May 21st I had my surgery). Now everyone is happy for me.

But don't get me wrong. Your husband violated a trust (as did mine) and I'm not quite sure if I will confide in him again when it comes to something I DO NOT want his parents to know.

Good luck and keep your chin up! You did good with your decision and you will do good with your band!

[kimmom 5]

In a way I really care less what they have to say I guess what hurt me is the way my husband sarcastically spoke to me when told him nicely what his father had said to me, I told him I really didnt care if he told him. When ever he does anything wrong instead of saying sorry he turns it around so I am the one in trouble. Not to blame anyone but I remember alot of emotional eating because If I ever catch him in a lie , He has a way of twisting instead of sticking up for myself McDonalds always made it better. Well not anymore. I figure its now or never to break the old habbits. Sounds crazy but some men feel safe being with a big woman I think. My husband has said a couple times " I can see what will happen you will lose weight and men will look at you and ask you out and I hope I dont have to worry about that" Haha I love it. His saftey net will disappear and I'll have him eating out of the palm of my hand . When I am strong and dont cry and stick up for myself he is so attentive to me but when I let my guard down and become so sad and discusted with myself he knows I am weak and he holds the upper hand. He is actually very nice but kind of like a kid at times I suppose.

[Chris_NJ 9]

Its not just the men who use weight as a safety net. My GF is only a 110 lbs and she is very insecure about me loosing the weight for the same reasons. We are definitely a funny looking couple size wise. I keep telling her not to worry we have been together over 3 years and she has been with me through THICK and soon THIN ! :biggrin1:

[MBG39 0]

This is off the subject!! How do you add the ticker? I am not very computer literate!! I just joined today!

MBG39

[kimmom 5]

You made me laugh, Yah I think you did the right thing on not killing him haha Wouldnt be fun having the band in prison I hear the food behind bars can be pretty clumpy and might clog your band Haha Especially in a womens prison you wouldn't want to be looking so pretty and thin you could get admired by the wrong chick. So all in all let him live and move on. Thats what I will do. Hospital food is bad enough prison food must be worse. LOL

Thanks for understanding so sorry you had to go through it to:)

[kimmom 5]

Good for you, its a nice feeling to have alittel bit of innocent jealousy. It makes you feel good. Like when you where just dating. Congradulations on your progress ! I like what you said about thick and thin thats a good one