I'll be never happy/normal even after WLS/Anyone else feel like this?

[SoulGlo 75]

Does anyone else feel like this? I am particularly interested in hearing the thoughts of people with 200+ pounds lost or to lose.

Over the past few days, I was been feeling extremely down, scared and tearful.I'll be 3 months out on the 21st and I have lost about 26% of my excess weight and I'm slowly started to realise that even if I do make it to the predicted goal, I'll still be fat and miserable.

I just feel that I have messed up my life to point where even a successful wls outcome won't help me. And I know it's all my fault and I should be happy with whatever I get but more than anything I just wanna be normal and have a normal body and I know I'll never have that.

I have had major issues with suicide ideation but those thoughts kinda subsided as I began the Wls process. I naively thought

that I could just be normal after Wls and potentially have a content filled future. I'm just scared that if I'm not happy

or content, I won't be able to survive that.

I wonder whether anyone else has similar concerns or feelings?

[PdxMan 4,292]

Hello,

Next month I will be 4 years post from VSG. I lost around 150 lbs, and am maintaining a net loss of about 125, so I know I do not meet your request of 200+ lbs loss, but I have experienced a lot of what you refer to.

Since you used the term, "suicide ideation", I can only assume you are also seeing a therapist/counselor. If not, I would highly recommend this and be totally open and honest about what you are feeling.

I know, for myself, it has been life changing to seek mental help. I realized that I used food to fill the gaping hole in my self esteem. But it wasn't just food as I also abused many other substances as I sought to find a way to make myself whole again ... to be that person I wanted to be, but could never attain. I, too, thought WLS would be the answer, but it was merely one piece to a much larger puzzle. My puzzle was a complex rendering of a person who has been shamed most of his life. My self esteem became so low, I began to accept this shame as truth. I would get the "F**K IT" attitude where self destruction was the result.

Do you know the song "Hurt", by Nine Inch Nails? I could relate to the opening lyrics too well:

I hurt myself today,
To see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain.
The only thing that's real.

But WLS and losing 150 lbs did not solve my problem. Sure, I did feel better about myself for awhile, but the underlying issues as to why I abused food still were present. That is what I had to work on. I have been seeing a therapist for awhile now and it has been an amazing experience as I discover and vocalize my feelings and attach words to them. When I am able to be open and honest with my therapist, I am able to be open and honest with myself. I treat my therapist (a woman) like they are one of the committee members inside my head. Whatever I am thinking or feeling, I say it out loud. Things I have never and would never say to another human.

Right now, we are working on shame, as I mentioned above. I have been reading a lot of material from Brene Brown. Here are some links to her TED talks:

http://on.ted.com/Brown2012

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

Go to your local library and grab one of her many books on disk, if you are not a reader.

If you are truly looking to heal, you have to start from the inside, otherwise, we just use our intended solutions to sabotage us further.

Good luck and I will keep you in my thoughts.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

As I have heard many times on this site, the surgeon only performs surgery on our stomach, not our head.

You sound like you are expecting the surgery to magically transform your mental state.

I recommend that you seriously consider seeing a therapist and attending a support group like Overeaters Anonymous.

For many of us, we used food to self-medicate and cope with life's ups and downs. Once the option to use food to mask uncomfortable feelings and emotions is no longer available, we have to find healthy ways to manage those feelings and emotions. In addition, as we lose weight the loss of fat and changes in our body can increase the fluctuation in our hormones which influences our emotions.

You may find that some adjustment on your perspective, and some positive tools and skills may be fairly easy for you to adopt with the help of a good professional and a caring support group.

Keep sharing your feelings on this site but the best thing you can do for yourself today is to make an appointment with a therapist,

In addition, if possible, go outside and get some sunlight. Take a walk. Exercise, sunlight, and good nutrition will all help you cope with those uncomfortable feelings today.

No matter what your current or future body weight will be, you can and will be happy with yourself, it will just take a willingness to try some new things that may be a little bit uncomfortable at first.

Edited to add: I have considerably more than 200 pounds to lose so I understand how unattainable a significant amount can seem. For the first time in decades, I truly believe it is possible for me to have a normal body size. You can, too.

[ShrinkingPeach 1,291]

You have gotten some excellent advice above...also for me I am aware of what my goal is to lose. The total is really 196 pounds but that is an overwhelming number. I am taking it in bite size (pun intended) pieces. I am 4 weeks post op and taking it 10 pounds at a time. I know the stats on how much excess weight you can lose by the year mark and I am trying hard to take advantage of this "honeymoon" period. I know the loss will continue after if a bit slower. I have been this way my whole life so I don't expect it to go away overnight. Every day and every pound I lose is exciting and I feel better than I have in years!

You can do this, ask for help if you need to. You will be amazed what you can accomplish! Good luck and keep us posted!! We are here for you!

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I lost 160+ post sleeve and about 185 from my lifetime high.

WEight loss didn't make me happy. In fact, losing the fatsuit, losing eating as a soothing and emotional numbing tool has caused some angst. What weight loss did was quite literally take a huge weight off my daily existance. I can move better, I have less pain, I feel more socially comfortable, i feel more normal.

Weight loss doesn't solve a darn thing in life, but it removes one of the obstacles to enjoying life to the max.

I don't think I was a food addict (whatever that even means) but I surely used obesity and overeating as a way to regulate moods and numb myself. It has been shocking to live in a world where i experience and feel so much more... almost like bright lights shining in my eyes or something - kind of overwhelming at first. I am 3.5 years post op and it is getting better. I didn't realize it before - but this emotional state is EXACTLY what triggered regains in the past. Like I just couldn't tolerate the intensity.

I had a helpful counselor who taught me some things but one of the most valuable was to learn that it is "okay" to feel... sometimes that means feeling bad. That sounds completely nuts, but one of my issues was I always felt the need to fill the hole in my heart. I am really learning that sometimes your wounds need to be felt, sadness and worries do need to be experienced and that is when healing begins. It is working, but it is a slower process than I expected.

Another thing I have learned is there are lots of people who are WAY more unhappy then me... I don't mean to make it seem like a race to the bottom or anything, but truth is I am MOSTLY very happy. I am grateful for it. I am grateful for another chance at life. When I get anxious or defensive or any of those "bad" feelings I remind myself that this is the human condition and it is normal to feel that way sometimes but the main thing is to not let it hurt relationships or interfere with my enjoyment of life.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Oh, and here is the other thing. I had NO expectations of what I would look like when i got to goal. I was very very focused on health, physical ability and life enjoyment. I strongly encourage you to put your focus the same way becasue life is too damn short to worry about every lilttle nitpicky flaw.

I did have skin removeal/reconstructive plastics and am THRILLED with my results. I have observed that people who make peace with their bodies are always much happier (without plastics or post plastics even) because the mind is actually harder to change than the body quite frankly...

[gowalking 10,790]

Good for you for addressing this now. Take yourself to therapy as soon as you can. I lost about 100 lbs. and had major surgery to replace both my hips about a year and a half ago and went to a therapist because I had no idea who the old lady in the mirror was. At that time, my skin was sagging badly, my hair was falling out at an alarming rate, my lower body was swollen beyond belief and I was despondant and lost.

I've been in therapy for more than a year and we are working on root causes of the obesity, body image, and all that entails along with self esteem, family dynamics, and all the other parts of what makes us who we are. You're starting to understand that weight loss is not a panacea for your issues. Better you start to work on it now than wait till you are in crisis. Good luck my dear and please keep posting and update us as you continue your journey.

[SkinnyDown 409]

When all is said and done....if I reach my weight loss goal, because honestly....I don't fool myself one bit, that's a long shot in my opinion. I'll be just a few lbs shy of a 200lb weight loss.

I am faced with this daunting task, even with this amazing tool. I've lost 100 lbs a few times in my life. Gained it all back, I know my track record. I was (not typical for me) pretty suicidal when I first got home from the hospital. I had so many complications and felt horrible, I thought...this is my new life? Those feelings have passed, thank goodness!

I have spent almost the last year in therapy, twice a month, working on my food addiction issues, the reasons I got fat, and believe me, this has been me since age 5. I had some traumatic events take place when I was very young, and the pounds just started packing on and on and on and I just never seemed to be able to stop it. I also had some other things that were working against me, PCOD and Hashimoto's. But for the most part, my eating has been predominantly emotional. The need to feel comforted was key. The fat, a suit of armour to protect me.

To let that go at this point is probably the scariest thing in the world to me. The least of my worries is failure, my biggest worry is success. That's about as honest as it gets.

You are not alone @@SoulGlo There is help to be had, therapy works. It's been a lifesaver to me throughout my life, but mostly now. I wish you strength, and resolve, and peace. This is a good place to come for support, and information, and help.

[shellyd88 463]

@@SoulGlo I also started out at a high number and have lost nearly 150 but have that much more to go to be in a so called normal weight why do u say say even if u reach your goal u will still be fat and miserable? I started on south beach in sept 2014 lost 60 lbs in five months had the sleeve in February 2015 I'm down 144 as of yesterday yes we all contributed to being overweight but we are trying and working toward changing that so don't beat yourself up u must move forward not look backward in order to succeed feel free to chat if u like ok

[terrydumont46 1,954]

When I get down on myself and verbalize it with my husband he always says the same thing to me. You aren't gaining wt are you? The wt. will come off. I look at shorter goals instead of goals a long way away. I second that if you are not seeing a therapist than you really need to. when I feel the way you do right now I feel the need tohurt myself and struggle not to. that includes feeding those thoughts away. So I ask you are you gaining wt. because remaining the same is a plus for us. I used to gain 10lbs a month before surgery. Keep to your plan one time you are going to feel joy about how your clothes feel, how you are able to bend over without being out of breath. wanting to take the stairs instead elevator. not sweat when you move. all these things will go away in time. I wish you lots of Luck please take care and do what you must to be successful.

[CloserToFine 172]

@@SoulGlo, there is so much wisdom and compassion in the posts above. I am grateful to be amongst this community of powerful people. That includes you! xo

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

@@SoulGlo, how are you doing today?

[SoulGlo 75]

@@SoulGlo, there is so much wisdom and compassion in the posts above. I am grateful to be amongst this community of powerful people. That includes you! xo

Aww, thank you!!

@@SoulGlo, how are you doing today?

I'm relatively ok today, i'm much better than i was when i posted the original post but i would be lying if i didn't say i was still worried about my outcome or future. I know i have to take each day as they come and I'm hoping as time goes on I might be content even if i don't reach society's ideal or a normal weight.

Thank you all for your advice, encouragement and care, I'm really touched by it and it really did lighten my dark thoughts xoxoxoxo

Edited June 17, 2015 by SoulGlo

[SoulGlo 75]

When all is said and done....if I reach my weight loss goal, because honestly....I don't fool myself one bit, that's a long shot in my opinion. I'll be just a few lbs shy of a 200lb weight loss.

I am faced with this daunting task, even with this amazing tool. I've lost 100 lbs a few times in my life. Gained it all back, I know my track record. I was (not typical for me) pretty suicidal when I first got home from the hospital. I had so many complications and felt horrible, I thought...this is my new life? Those feelings have passed, thank goodness!

I have spent almost the last year in therapy, twice a month, working on my food addiction issues, the reasons I got fat, and believe me, this has been me since age 5. I had some traumatic events take place when I was very young, and the pounds just started packing on and on and on and I just never seemed to be able to stop it. I also had some other things that were working against me, PCOD and Hashimoto's. But for the most part, my eating has been predominantly emotional. The need to feel comforted was key. The fat, a suit of armour to protect me.

To let that go at this point is probably the scariest thing in the world to me. The least of my worries is failure, my biggest worry is success. That's about as honest as it gets.

You are not alone @@SoulGlo There is help to be had, therapy works. It's been a lifesaver to me throughout my life, but mostly now. I wish you strength, and resolve, and peace. This is a good place to come for support, and information, and help.

Hello,

Next month I will be 4 years post from VSG. I lost around 150 lbs, and am maintaining a net loss of about 125, so I know I do not meet your request of 200+ lbs loss, but I have experienced a lot of what you refer to.

Since you used the term, "suicide ideation", I can only assume you are also seeing a therapist/counselor. If not, I would highly recommend this and be totally open and honest about what you are feeling.

I know, for myself, it has been life changing to seek mental help. I realized that I used food to fill the gaping hole in my self esteem. But it wasn't just food as I also abused many other substances as I sought to find a way to make myself whole again ... to be that person I wanted to be, but could never attain. I, too, thought WLS would be the answer, but it was merely one piece to a much larger puzzle. My puzzle was a complex rendering of a person who has been shamed most of his life. My self esteem became so low, I began to accept this shame as truth. I would get the "F**K IT" attitude where self destruction was the result.

Do you know the song "Hurt", by Nine Inch Nails? I could relate to the opening lyrics too well:

I hurt myself today,

To see if I still feel.

I focus on the pain.

The only thing that's real.

But WLS and losing 150 lbs did not solve my problem. Sure, I did feel better about myself for awhile, but the underlying issues as to why I abused food still were present. That is what I had to work on. I have been seeing a therapist for awhile now and it has been an amazing experience as I discover and vocalize my feelings and attach words to them. When I am able to be open and honest with my therapist, I am able to be open and honest with myself. I treat my therapist (a woman) like they are one of the committee members inside my head. Whatever I am thinking or feeling, I say it out loud. Things I have never and would never say to another human.

Right now, we are working on shame, as I mentioned above. I have been reading a lot of material from Brene Brown. Here are some links to her TED talks:

http://on.ted.com/Brown2012

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

Go to your local library and grab one of her many books on disk, if you are not a reader.

If you are truly looking to heal, you have to start from the inside, otherwise, we just use our intended solutions to sabotage us further.

Good luck and I will keep you in my thoughts.

Good for you for addressing this now. Take yourself to therapy as soon as you can. I lost about 100 lbs. and had major surgery to replace both my hips about a year and a half ago and went to a therapist because I had no idea who the old lady in the mirror was. At that time, my skin was sagging badly, my hair was falling out at an alarming rate, my lower body was swollen beyond belief and I was despondant and lost.

I've been in therapy for more than a year and we are working on root causes of the obesity, body image, and all that entails along with self esteem, family dynamics, and all the other parts of what makes us who we are. You're starting to understand that weight loss is not a panacea for your issues. Better you start to work on it now than wait till you are in crisis. Good luck my dear and please keep posting and update us as you continue your journey.

I'm not currently seeing a therapist or having any counselling. I have been in counselling a couple of times before.

I would go to my GP and ask for a referral for counselling but for some strange reason most of the interventions they offer are CBT based where they focus on solving one major issue . I have had CBT before and don't feel it makes a difference. I would like a psychological based intervention where i could talk in depth about my feelings, past and concerns but therapies like that are normally private therapies and i simply don't have the money to afford it.

[SoulGlo 75]

When I get down on myself and verbalize it with my husband he always says the same thing to me. You aren't gaining wt are you? The wt. will come off. I look at shorter goals instead of goals a long way away. I second that if you are not seeing a therapist than you really need to. when I feel the way you do right now I feel the need tohurt myself and struggle not to. that includes feeding those thoughts away. So I ask you are you gaining wt. because remaining the same is a plus for us. I used to gain 10lbs a month before surgery. Keep to your plan one time you are going to feel joy about how your clothes feel, how you are able to bend over without being out of breath. wanting to take the stairs instead elevator. not sweat when you move. all these things will go away in time. I wish you lots of Luck please take care and do what you must to be successful.

No. Strangely i'm doing really well (imo). I'm sticking to the plan and even exercising daily but even that won't entirely shake off my negative thoughts

Oh, and here is the other thing. I had NO expectations of what I would look like when i got to goal. I was very very focused on health, physical ability and life enjoyment. I strongly encourage you to put your focus the same way becasue life is too damn short to worry about every lilttle nitpicky flaw.

I did have skin removeal/reconstructive plastics and am THRILLED with my results. I have observed that people who make peace with their bodies are always much happier (without plastics or post plastics even) because the mind is actually harder to change than the body quite frankly...

Initially when i started the WLS process, i had no expectations, I just wanted to be a little bit smaller and healthier. As time go goes on, I feel myself wanting more than what is likely to be given or realistically will happen. I have never had a normal sized body, even when i was in primary school, i was bigger than everyone else. I just wanna to look normal for once.

I agree with you. I'm hoping i can develop the same approach and have a similar outlook.