Love, sex, and cocktails.

[bellabloom 2,467]

Hmm

Edited June 13, 2015 by bellabloom

[Recycled 2,182]

One little food for thought item.......(don't shoot the messenger)

You might want to rethink or even edit some of the online details about your recent lifestyle experiences.....

While your private life choices are entirely you own business and should not be subject to anyone's judgement......once on the internet.....it becomes public access and knowledge.......including the possibility of being viewed by the one you may just want to be serious with...........which might not go over too well.....

Just putting it out there......

and I gotta say......your concerns are easily understandable.....the changes can be quite surreal... good luck, hope everything works out for you.

[bellabloom 2,467]

One little food for thought item.......(don't shoot the messenger)

You might want to rethink or even edit some of the online details about your recent lifestyle experiences.....

While your private life choices are entirely you own business and should not be subject to anyone's judgement......once on the internet.....it becomes public access and knowledge.......including the possibility of being viewed by the one you may just want to be serious with...........which might not go over too well.....

Just putting it out there......

and I gotta say......your concerns are easily understandable.....the changes can be quite surreal... good luck, hope everything works out for you.

Thanks for the advice but this is the only place I feel I can be totally honest and get advice from other people going through the same changes. Anyway my profile is under a fake name. And if my current boyfriend ends up on bariatric pal I would be quite surprised!!

Plus it's not like I'm being unfaithful. I care about him deeply and I'm invested in the relationship fully. It's just making me nervous to have feelings and move into something so soon and chance being hurt. Especially when he doesn't know about my surgery- I worry when he finds out he will end things.

Dating without feelings is a safe zone for me but also not satisfying in many ways. Hence my post- I'm not sure what I want right now. I just don't want to be scared or make poor choices for myself.

Edited June 11, 2015 by bellabloom

[luv2plumb 315]

I to I'm having similar issues and don't know how to proceed, so if you don't mind too much I will be watching this feed to see what other people think and thank you for being raw and to the point I've couldn't have worded it any better

[OKCPirate 5,323]

bellabloom, one of the reasons they think there is a risk of compulsive drinking following surgery is many compulsive eaters change one habit for another without getting to the root issues. What pain were you soothing with food? What were you soothing with sex and attention? I worked through this book before surgery: The Emotional First + Aid Kit: A Practical Guide to Life After Bariatric Surgery, Second Edition

Hope that will give you a starting point.

Edited June 11, 2015 by OKCPirate

[bellabloom 2,467]

bellabloom, one of the reasons they think there is a risk of compulsive drinking following surgery is many compulsive eaters change one habit for another without getting to the root issues. What pain were you soothing with food? What were you soothing with sex and attention? I worked through this book before surgery: The Emotional First + Aid Kit: A Practical Guide to Life After Bariatric Surgery, Second Edition

Hope that will give you a starting point.

I agree with you and I do think I am at risk of this on some level. It's not something I'm super worried about however, as I'm not really much of a drinker. I'm more concerned with compulsive behavior.

Although on the flip side I've always been a person who likes to live to the extreme. I enjoy a party and feeling alive and in the past I've always known when to check myself. I've never had problems with drugs or alcohol or making terrible decisions.

Sometimes I think it's important to just trust oneself. I see a therapist every week and we discuss my life and she helps me gain perspective. Like I said I went through 7 years of basically being dead and having no life at all and being abused daily, and now I'm ready to live and live and live!!!

I trust myself enough to give myself the freedom. food was a way I dealt with stress and emotions for certain, but I also over ate simply because my body was just out of Wack. I find that exercise is a good release for me now, and I do.

But having fun with limits is a good release too !

Edited June 11, 2015 by bellabloom

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

This is complicated.

I went through a period of time of feeling like I wanted to go out alot. Here is what is funny, I DIDN'T engage in these behaviors you are talking about - probably because advances triggered the "flight" response in me. I guess I also view casual encounters as too high risk from a safety point of view (I am talking about this on many levels not just the obvious STDs). I did enjoy dressing to go out, going with a safe group of people and spending the whole evening on the dance floor though. I would go out socializing with groups of people (from meetups) but never hooked up or dated any of them. I arrived alone, went home alone - no exceptions.

I have had a couple of relationships over the last few years and much to my chagrin, they have generally NOT been wild passionate affairs. Instead I was looking for what was familiar to me - committed long term relationships - and yet I had that same "fear" of settling down that you are talking about so no big surprise I wasn't too successful at finding a match for that LTR. Maybe it is an age thing too - world is full of us committment phobics.

So, I am much calmer now, I seldom go out anymore and I have even less desire than before to "hook up" with a stranger (or someone not in a committed type relationship)/. At the same time, I find my "suspicion" about a long term relationship to be persistent. It is not that I think men are bad in any way, it is more that fear of being trapped, not sure I can go through it all again (risking heartbreak etc)

I have been seeing someone for about 3 months now and we are good companions, we consider each other boyfriend/girlfriend but we do not have a physically intimate relationship. I find that completely unsatisfactory but it is the pattern I have done a couple of times since becoming single. Go figure. (before you ask, it takes two to tango and I can't make it happen on my own, just trust me on that one)

I am told i am attractive, fit, sexy, vibrant blah blah blah... but I have done something to attract a particular energy into my world.

I have no answers, and the counselor I was seeing wasn't much help on this topic either.

[JamieLogical 8,708]

I think it's pretty normal for someone coming out of a long term relationship to want to go a little wild and explore their new-found freedom. Especially if you got into the relationship pretty young and never really had a chance to explore dating and night-life and whatnot when you were younger. It sounds like this guy you are seeing is a good guy. Maybe have a serious conversation with him about what you need right now. If you aren't ready to completely commit because of your past experiences or lack thereof, maybe he will be understanding and open about it and be willing to take things slowly on the commitment front.

[Heatherrc1 37]

What is wrong with me?

Last August I split from my partner of 7 years and the father of my kids. It was a terrible abusive relationship. The worst time in my life.

Since then I have had wls and lost 110 pounds and I look amazing, no doubt about it. I started online dating with a frenzy and kind of went wild and slept around some and basically just had the time of my life.

Then I met a man and he got serious about me sooooo quickly and I also have very strong feelings for him. We've been together a couple months and it's romantic and fun and scary and intense. Just like the beginning should be.

But there is a part of me that is largely unsatisfied. I admit I miss the crazy wild flings and late nights out dancing and drinking from before. A part of me can't settle in, is restless and just wants to f**k and have the attention of men like a total tramp and go wild and live on the edge.

Love? Feelings? Commitment? Not only do they scare me because I am afraid of vulnerability and rejection but I also wrestle with giving up my freedom. It feels like a small death before I'm ready to give up the life I just got!!

I love this man but is there such thing as just not being ready?

So, could you have possibly exchanged your relationship with food for the "time of your life"? When we take away a habit or addiction without really knowing the why of it or understanding ourself on a deeper level we usually replace that "high" we get from that for something else.

I don't know if that's true for you or your situation, but it's just something to think about it.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

I am a domestic violence survivor and twice divorced. First marriage we were too young. He became a prolific cheater and treated me very poorly, but never hit me. He would rather have choked to death than to say he was sorry for hurting my feelings. I was in a church where wives were submissive little robots and was told to stay and pray. But I had finally had it with him bringing other people's germs home to me, so I left him and that church.

I did not take enough time to find myself. I dated a couple of frogs and then married the first man who threw a compliment my way. Later I found out that he and his family hid a history of violence-fueled mental illness. We were married ten years, but as his condition deteriorated, he began to mistake me for a punching bag. He had five loaded guns in the house and had threatened to kill me. I escaped in the middle of the night to a womens shelter, and they helped me get my head on straight.

What happened to me may be what has happened to you. Although one husband took me down physically, they both took me down mentally by telling me that I was no good, too ugly to live, and that I would be easier to get along with if I drank more. The angels at the womens shelter advised me to stay out of a relationship for at least two years, to find out who I am without a man telling me how to live my life.

I did not know who I was because I went from being Daddy's fearfully obedient little girl to XXX's good little Stepford wife to YYYYYYY's doormat. By the time I left him, I had never known what kind of music I liked, what style of clothes to wear, what I like to eat when I did not have to serve what someone else wanted. I did not know what to watch with the Tv remote in my own hand. I truely did not know who I was. I had lost the essence of me. I was a ghost in a human container.

So, I filed a restraining order and left the state. And I did what the shelter people told me, and stayed away from relationships for two years. I went back to school and finished my bachelor's degree that I started in 1970, and got my diploma at age 58. I got my own apartment and put furnishings in there that expressed who I wanted to be, not who I was.

Exactly at two years out, I met a man who turned out to be the man I wish I had met when I was young. We got to know each other well before becoming intimate. We dated for five years before I moved in with him. He treats me like the Queen of the Universe, and we have been together nine years now.

My suggestion to you is to step back for a while and discover the real you outside of anyone's influence. Being a mother, I doubt that you should be a wild party girl. You are not 17 trying to hide a liquor bottle from your parents. You have kids who will not be around forever and need a solid positive influence from their mother. Each night you are out partying, you are not nourishing your kids.

One thing I have learned about being abused is that we get so used to it that we start to abuse and either isolate ourselves or run around confused looking for validation. I am not a professional cousellor, but I have seen the dark side of domestic violence. I think that lost is where you are now.

You already know that liquor, partying, and indiscriminate intimacy is not good for you and not a good example for your kids. These activities are self-destructive at a time when you need to be building a new foundation for your life. I would contact a womens sheter just to see which counselor they might recommend. You do not need a parade of men to validate your worth. You do not need liqour fueled parties to be happy. Maybe you need new friends and a new support group.

I hope you can find the new you apart from all these influences. Calm down for a minute and do what you have to do find peace of mind. It will make all the difference. Hugs from Miss Mac in Chicago.

[bellabloom 2,467]

These responses are exactly why I post on here. It's amazing how understanding this community is.

On the other hand we are all different and have different outlooks on things. I've gone through periods in my life before when I was single and enjoyed exploring my sexuality and a good party and I look back on those times as some of the best of my life. I'm Brazilian and I was raised in a culture where there is nothing wrong with a good time alcohol and sex. I'm very comfortable with my sexual self and selective about my partners. I'm not the one night stand type but I may not want to be in a serious relationship each time I chose to have a partner. I don't feel badly about this. Call me liberal .

I especially appreciate the comments on what effect domestic abuse can have on people however. It did affect me in terms of being able to commit to someone new. I'm wary of putting my eggs in one basket right away and giving away a sort of freedom for the sake of committing to another. I'm afraid of another relationship turning out the way the last one did. I don't want to end up with someone who is the wrong person!!! I want to be with someone because of the way I feel about him and not just because of the way he feels about me.

I know what I'm looking for and it would be terrible if I settled for anything less. Can I trust myself to look out for red flags and walk away if there are too many? I tend to get attached and start making excuses for people if they aren't quite right for me. But then again no one is perfect. How does one know when a relationship is really right? Because I think this one is but can I trust myself.

However I have years of my 20s where I dated wonderful men and enjoyed my life to draw from. That gives me some perspective on what's going on now. I do think it's healthy to want to date casually at times in ones life. Not every person is ready for a relationship at any given time. But I've chosen wonderful men in the past, so why shouldn't I trust myself to chose well now?

So much of this just comes down to fear inside of me.

I have my children half the week so I'm left with a lot of time to be alone. I don't feel like having a life outside of them is neglecting them. They are my priority and when I'm with them, im with them. When I'm on my own it's up to me. Im not taking risks or drunk driving or doing stupid things- I've never been one to do stuff like that.

It comes down to - am I ready to be serious with one person or do I still need time to see what's out there and be independent, and also free of the heavy emotions and vulnerability that comes with a serious relationship. Am I just hesitating because I am afraid of making a poor choice in a partner because I did pick a bad apple once??

It's really a moot point anyway. I've already fallen for the man I'm currently dating. I'm not going to break it off and I don't want to. I just needed to vocalize some of the fears in my head.

You can't always have the perfect timing and this man has entered my life and he is incredible. I have to see it through in spite of my fears.

Edited June 11, 2015 by bellabloom

[bellabloom 2,467]

This is complicated.

I went through a period of time of feeling like I wanted to go out alot. Here is what is funny, I DIDN'T engage in these behaviors you are talking about - probably because advances triggered the "flight" response in me. I guess I also view casual encounters as too high risk from a safety point of view (I am talking about this on many levels not just the obvious STDs). I did enjoy dressing to go out, going with a safe group of people and spending the whole evening on the dance floor though. I would go out socializing with groups of people (from meetups) but never hooked up or dated any of them. I arrived alone, went home alone - no exceptions.

I have had a couple of relationships over the last few years and much to my chagrin, they have generally NOT been wild passionate affairs. Instead I was looking for what was familiar to me - committed long term relationships - and yet I had that same "fear" of settling down that you are talking about so no big surprise I wasn't too successful at finding a match for that LTR. Maybe it is an age thing too - world is full of us committment phobics.

So, I am much calmer now, I seldom go out anymore and I have even less desire than before to "hook up" with a stranger (or someone not in a committed type relationship)/. At the same time, I find my "suspicion" about a long term relationship to be persistent. It is not that I think men are bad in any way, it is more that fear of being trapped, not sure I can go through it all again (risking heartbreak etc)

I have been seeing someone for about 3 months now and we are good companions, we consider each other boyfriend/girlfriend but we do not have a physically intimate relationship. I find that completely unsatisfactory but it is the pattern I have done a couple of times since becoming single. Go figure. (before you ask, it takes two to tango and I can't make it happen on my own, just trust me on that one)

I am told i am attractive, fit, sexy, vibrant blah blah blah... but I have done something to attract a particular energy into my world.

I have no answers, and the counselor I was seeing wasn't much help on this topic either.

My therapist said many women struggle with their sexual identity and intimacy issues. I think that is very relevant to those of us who have been overweight in the past and perhaps our bodies are what we think they should be.

I've always been a sexual person and comfortable with my body thankfully. But I know it's a real struggle for many and your not the first person on this forum who I have heard mention it. My best friend had rny and full body plastics and she still can be intimate with a man. The image in her head still tells her she is unacceptable.

I guess I just tell myself that most men doesn't really care and that confidence is more attractive that shying away. I try to just own my flaws.

I hope you try another therapist who can perhaps work with you on this because sex and intimacy are such beautiful things and something special for you to share with your partner that I'm sure would bring you closer. I hate to think your missing out on it.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

You misunderstand me. I want that intimacy but repeatedly select men for relationships who either can't physically or don't want to (emotional/intimacy reasons). I feel very confident in myself in that setting but since I don't want casual sex encounters I never discover this "issue" until we are months into a relationship. First time I thought..bad luck. Second time I thought....what are the odds? Third time I ask myself what am I doing to attract this to me??? Omg...who knew it could be such a challenge to find this?

Since becoming single I did see someone for a long term, not a permanent relationship where we had a terrific time. I wish I could find something even close to that good (and he is way older than me even!) who also wants a serious relationship.

[bellabloom 2,467]

Wow!!! I did misunderstand oh my goodness. I've never really had anything like that experience. How old are you? Are these older men?

Maybe talking about sex sooner would help? I'm sure there must be red flags like if they have been single a long time or perhaps they are very overweight themselves? Would that affect their sex drives?

This would be a huge deal breaker for me. I want to know if I am sexually compatible with someone sooner than later for this exact reason. The worst is to have an unsatisfying sexual relationship and have feelings caught up!!

I'm not sure what advice I can offer except to be more upfront about wether they enjoy sex. ☺️☺️

Of course I'm so upfront I be like "man I need a little sugar in my bowl and some hot dog in my roll!!" Hahahaha. Now!!

Omg I sound like a slut. I'm really not people promise.

Edited June 11, 2015 by bellabloom