Marriage and relationships after Weight Loss Surgery

[NikkiDoc 312]

My friend had the band 6 years ago. She got divorced 9 months ago. He cheated on her most of their marriage. He behaved like an overgrown child, refused to do therapy or couples therapy.

They had been married 25 years and had 2 adult children. The weight loss increased her self esteem enough to finally kick his butt to the curb. I think she was always afraid that nobody would want her when she was fat and she would rather be unhappy than alone.

I think that weight loss can change the dynamics of a marriage. In her case he should have been dumped a long time ago. The weight loss gave her the self confidence to do it.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I know someone who had WLS a few months ago who's found the courage to move out on her own.

In their situation, they had long-standing issues, including his verbal abuse, his substance abuse, and his insane jealousy. She begged him to go to therapy -- couples and individual. He refused. So she has gotten her own place. Thank God, she was able to move out without him going to the next level - of physical abuse.

Whew!

[Seabreeze06 7]

When I met my husband of 8 years ago I already had RnY surgery...and was at my lowest adult weight at that time and looking and feeling fabulous! But about 4-5 years ago I started gaining weight and I can tell although he does not say anything he does not like the weight gain. I decided finally to seek a revision of my previous procedure and I am currently in the preop surgery process with all the tests and appts., we have talked about it and he is happy either way with my decision to do the revision surgery or to continue trying to lose it without surgery. People's inner self can manifest at any time,so for some the weightloss was their catalyst sadly!!

[betrthnever 107]

My now ex-husband and I didn't stay together after the surgery, but we weren't doing well before the surgery, either, so I won't blame it on the surgery. What the surgery (the weight loss) did do for me was to give me the strength I needed to get out of my marriage. I think I would have been in it a lot longer had I not lost the weight and gained the confidence.

That being said, once i DID move out and bought a house, i STOPPED my weight loss journey and started to gain my weight back. I had surgery in February of 2008, lost 80 pounds by July of 2010, filed for divorce in January of 2011, and within a year gained 60 pounds back. I went through deaths, the divorce, buying house, trouble with the kids, etc. I fell back into the old "food for comfort" ways, which is easier to do with the band. i also didn't date. I am now engaged to a man who loves all of my curves and who only wants me to be healthy, which you know that sooner or later I won't be if i stay obese.

I DO have a friend who did go crazy after gastric bypass (I was banded so I don't feel like I had the same kind of meltdown). She began drinking more and having affairs (she is still married however and years later still having affairs). So there is much truth to that. I also read somewhere of someone being arrested for shop lifting after gastric bypass. Even becoming a fitness nut (which I kind of did) is a form of replacement, which can be or (not) healthy, depending on the degree to wish you take it. I do remember going through a sadness about giving up my bad way of eating - one thing that is probably very true for most of us is that eating is a form of comfort, a stimulant, a relief from boredom, etc. It can no longer be used in the same way anymore if you wish to be successful with your surgery. There has to be a healthy outlet, a way to deal with repressed emotions or they will just manifest themselves in other ways. SURGERY ITSELF WILL NOT FIX YOUR LIFE. It will not help you deal with things better.

Good luck! This is such a great place for support.

[linzlou2000 193]

I was worried about my husband and I after I had weight loss surgery more because he met me as a big woman and loves them that way. I feared he would no longer be attracted to me getting smaller. I had surgery two years ago and have gone to counseling both individual and couples just to make sure I kept my head on straight and my husband was able to deal with the changes as well. We have been together for 10 years! I would say the key is really talking to one another.

I've always been an 18-24 and that's the way my hubby likes it. I'm very worried about how me losing weight will affect him. Thanks for sharing also, I feel very similar to what you posted.

[linzlou2000 193]

I hope my story provides you with some reassurance:

I met my husband in 2000, when I was 16 years old and around 250 pounds, and he was 18 and probably 170ish. We worked together, talked and flirted for a couple of weeks, he asked me out on August 16th, 2000, and that was the official beginning of our relationship. He proposed a year later, we married in 2004, and when I gave birth to our first child that same month, a girl, I weighed 300 pounds. Two years later, in 2006, I gave birth to our second child, a boy, and left the hospital weighing 320 pounds.

In 2009 I was at my heaviest -- 335 pounds. I had roux en y (gastric bypass) that November, and hit my goal weight of 165ish pounds two years after that. I'm now 5.5 years out and am steady in the 165-175 pound range (changing around antidepressants has been messing with my weight).

My husband fell in love with me at 250, continued to love and lust after me at my heaviest of 335 pounds, and has continued to love me and be attracted to me as I lost weight and gained loose skin, and underwent several more surgeries (five) to fix RNY-related problems with my intestines, as well as a hysterectomy, and most recently a strangulated intestinal hernia.

My opinion on relationships "surviving" after one person has drastic weight loss is simple: is the relationship strong to begin with? It takes a strong, healthy, happy relationship to be able to survive any type of dramatic or traumatic change. If your relationship falls apart after you or your partner undergoes weight loss surgery and continues on to lose a significant amount of weight, then the relationship wasn't strong and healthy to begin with.

Thank you for sharing!

[linzlou2000 193]

@@TiredOfMyself My husband and I met in grad school (I was actually engaged to someone else) and have been together almost 28 years, married for 25, have gone thru thick and thin (well, thin and thick). I think you are asking a very important question, and I think the folks who've weighed in have it right. If you have a solid foundation to work with, it can get better and better. If things were rocky already, this might cause a rupture.

In my case, he's very self confident (and trim and handsome) and doesn't worry about other guys so no jealousy issues. But, I think there are considerations other than weight loss, and you have to work on how you'll approach them. For example, I didn't expect my family to have to eat what I am eating. However, my husband agreed that he'd cook (he's a terrible cook, but can make tacos) for the fam while I was in the liquids stage. At the same time (around Christmas) I sucked it up and went to family events where I was the only one drinking premier Protein - even in restaurants, but for the most part, when we can make the choices, we pick a restaurant where I'll have options. We play poker with M&M chips and I had to be prepared to participate because its a big deal in our family. He didn't attend any info or support stuff with me and though it would have been nice, I know him and this was not something he'd be comfortable with. But he made sure I could attend whatever I needed to - worked out his schedule for me - and did/does laundry and shopping and dishes etc as much as I do, particularly when I was less able (surgery and recovery).

He never said word one about the weight; just that he wanted me to be happy and healthy. He's so happy I can do more stuff with the family again and so am I!

I always tell our kids, pick someone you find funny, who finds you funny - who GETS you - and build on that (and make sure they can laugh at themselves). God Bless the man, on the few occasions when we've seen a couple with an older guy and a hot young lady he has wondered aloud what they talk about. (Even if he doesn't mean it, having said it wins him husband points).

My hubby tells me the same, "happy and health!" I just need to remember that when thoughts of worry creep in.

[limichelle34 60]

I just got out of an eleven year relationship with a guy who knew me nothing but big the whole time! Now I'm on my own and feeling scared about this whole transition. I honestly don't know how it will affect me dating later on probably in a more positive light.

When I first met my EX I really didn't have my act together I ate way too much and didn't care! I didn't have the internal demons and struggles figured out. Now that I'm on my own I can work on all of it, repair my life and come out healthier which should attract a really good mate.

Lisa